After about half an hour of sitting in the sun they called my name! She was happy. I was sunburned!
After another half hour they called her name! They almost didn’t give her the tickets because we were both wearing red shirts and dark pants/shorts so people thought she and I were the same person! (Crazy people! it’s like confusing Charlize Theron with Scarlett Johansen, only we’re a little bit more beautiful)
Anyway, this made me happy cuz, even though I looked like a cooked lobster, now I get to sell mine on eBay! Moh-ney! Moh-ney Moh-ney! Moh-ney! ShoeMoh-ney!
What…? Why don’t I go? If you’re asking that question let’s just say you don’t know me very well and leave it at that. (psst! I don’t want to offend the Texan cuz he’s like 9 feet tall and can squash my head like a grape!)
More weirdness
I was reading my Jane Magazine and came across a tip on how to cover bald spots on your head. They are suggesting eye shadow that matches your hair color… what happens when you sweat???
Can you imagine having this big brown streak down your cheek???(rhymed)
Stranger on the street: ‘Excuse me Miss but either your hair color is leaking or your face is tarnishing!’
Other thing they suggested for covering up gray hair… MASCARA!
It seems that the man who married my mother and produced us by divine intervention, was ahead of his time! About 5 years ago he asked my sister to buy him some mascara so that he could cover the gray in his moustache! From now on I will take his advice on fashion, money, politics, family, work AND religion! HA!
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Small bathroom encounter (not the George Michael kind gutter minds!).
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Lady in the stall next to mine: 'WTF! Come on!'
Me keeping my mouth shut this time.
LITSNTM: 'GAWDAMNIT! I'm going to have rip the fuckin' zipper!'
Me singing the theme song to Titanic in my head.
LITSNTM: [to person in other stall AKA me]'sorry, my zipper's stuck and I really have to pee. If you hear a ripping sound it's that.'
Me: 'Don't worry, I've heard worse things in this bathroom...'
LITSNTM: [silent for a moment then...] HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Then I heard a ripping noise and on that note I exited the bathroom. (after washing my hands)
I gotta tell you, I no longer dread going to the bathroom.
About the song in Titanic: Why are there no rhymes anywhere in the song? What's up with that? Are they starting to set modern poetry to music? Give me something old-fashioned like "On Top of Spaghetti" or "Camp Grenader" (Hello, Mutter. Hello, Fahtter. Here I am in Camp...).
ReplyDeleteduckman:
ReplyDeleteI really really hate to correct you but… did you forget the part that goes
“near, far, wherever you are…”
Its ok we all make mistakes. (and by all, I don’t mean me)
P.S.
I didn’t know the name of the “Hello, Mutter. Hello, Fahtter.” song so thanks for that. Whenever I sing it people look at me funny.
seems like everytime you go to the bathroom somthing bad happens, kind of like Vincent Vega.
ReplyDeleteDan
I like your original composition in the sidebar. I wrote a song last year while my husband was deathly ill with frequent bouts of gastrointestinal discomfort.
ReplyDeleteIt's called 'Feminism And Diarrhea,' and discusses the fact that a feminist would never clean up explosive poop out of a shower, but a dutiful and subservient wife would.
Bizarro.
ReplyDeleteSo...my next thought: if she rips the zipper to get the pants down & go to the bathroom....is she going to walk around all day like that?
that would suck.
yes bathrooms are fun. you know what I wonder? Why isn't there any bathroom graffiti any more?
ReplyDeletethe only stuff I ever see is written by me, tame ,'kilroy was here' type stuff.
found you while stalking elastic
Bee, you caught me. I don't even know the words to the song. I just thought I remembered hearing around the time the movie came out that the lyrics didn't rhyme. Guess I need to do a better job of covering my tracks next time.
ReplyDeleteDan:
ReplyDeleteYou’re right maybe I shouldn’t use the bathroom anymore cuz Vincent Vega was shot at the end, right?
elasticwaistbandlady:
Thanks! Hope your husbands (not implying you have more than one husband just wasn't sure if I needed to use and apostrophe in between the 'd' and the 's') better and where can I read your song? Sounds funny!
Lainey-Painey:
Unfortunately I never get to find out what happens since it’s a public bathroom in a building with tons of offices. I agree it sucks! Hopefully her boss let her go home. This was a good excuse.
Jean Knee:
I’ll graffiti on this end. My message will be “Piss on me! I’ll piss on you!” You know, for when people don’t wipe the seat.
Thank you for visiting!
duckman:
Yeah! Don’t let it happen again!
Just kidding. :o)
I'm wondering if I should get a bloggy restraining order against jean knee. I don't like her following me because she's funnier than me and tries to steal the show.
ReplyDeleteHmmmm, Bee, have you ever wanted to play the role of Tonya Harding? Do you have a cane available? What if I told you that jean knee looks like Nancy Kerrigan?
I'm from Indiana. Just thought you should know that. I grew up going to Woodfield Mall on the weekends because there's nothing much to do in po-dunk city, Indiana.
ReplyDeleteelasticwaistbandlady:
ReplyDeleteIf the money is there I'll be Tonya anybody... :o)
I love Woodfield Mall! I live like 15-20 minutes from there.