Wednesday, August 8, 2007

God Helps Those Who Help Themselves…

Andy and I went to Borders Bookstore yesterday and once we got there he went one way and I went another. As I’m browsing, I came across a display table with religious “finding your spirituality” books. I stopped to give them a glance cuz you never know what type of book might grab ya!

Regular book… regular book… regular… HOLY MOSES! What the…!

Among the books was one that might have seemed out of place, it had a picture of… khmm… NAH-HKED people on it…?! I don’t remember the title exactly but it said something like “for women who love their men”

Now dear readers I was deeply insulted! I know somebody put this book there as a prank and to them I say “shame on you!” What if a nice grandmotherly older lady was to walk by and stop at this table seeking guidance? Is that the type of thing we want to subject her to???

So in order to help Borders and to not have grandmotherly type of women shocked out of their blue hair, I decided to help them out.

I went to the “porn” section and grabbed a few more of those books and placed them delicately over the religious titles and made it a “self help table” of another kind. :o)

Why did I do that you ask? Well, this way the grandmotherly type of older lady will see NAH-HKED flesh from far away and continue in a different direction.
No need to thank me, I’m just a public servant!

Hey! If you don’t approve I’ll tell you what Borders not to go to! I had a bad day yesterday and this was an easier way to cheer myself up than going to buy liquor!

If it’s bugging you severely, why don’t you suggest productive things I can do to de-stress that do not involve target shooting.

On a somewhat related subject:

I heard on the news today that Playboy is declaring big profits this year. They are saying it’s due to cable "on demand" videos and they also said something about people pausing scenes and rewinding them multiple times…

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go spy on my cable bill!

Bee is not an alcoholic today nor was she one yesterday. As a matter of fact you cannot be an alcoholic when half of a beer makes you loopy. So stop spreading rumors!


  1. You know... It would be funny if they had you on video doing that and when you came in they would tell the employees to keep an eye on you

  2. Did you really do it so that when the porn fan reaches for the "dirty book" he/she uncovers the "religious book", hoping that it will trigger something in this person's dirty mind? Or did you really do it to spare granny? Tell us the truth....are you out there trying to convert people by setting up sneaky traps?

  3. That's genius! It's going to be difficult to top that without ending up in jail.

    You could always take up karate - learn how to break bricks with your bare hands - presumably that would relieve some stress, though your husband might not be too keen ;-)

    Perhaps you should stick to half a beer...

  4. ROFLMAO!!! OMG..that is funny.

    As long as I'm not in there with my 8 year old walking by. Then I'd have to kick your arse ;-)

  5. Nancy:
    Yeah, I’m already banned from a Pizza joint (that shall remain nameless) for doing a dine and dash when I was a wee little one… I don’t want to get banned from Borders too! :o{

    Maybe that’s why I was put on this earth… to make believ-ahs of the non believ-ahs! Can I get an Amen!?

    Due to my violent homicidal tendencies, it might be best if I don’t learn anything that may jeopardize my freedom. (just so you know, my hands are already registered as lethal weapons.)

    yes ma’am-no ma’am
    Don’t go to the Borders at Randhurst Mall or the one in Norridge or the one downtown or… Maybe it’d be best if you go to Barnes and Noble instead…?

  6. Dearest Blogger Bee: Could you give directions to that particular store again? As an old Grannie myself, I could use something a little uplifting to looks at. And I don't know where the dirty book section is, so you will have provided me a service. It just seems wrong for someone my age to have to ask a little teen age girl to point me in the right direction!!

    We Old Ladies solute you!!

  7. anonymous:

  8. Okay. Thankfully I have not been to Randhurst as I ever recall or Norridge. I tell you what...the only Borders I've ever really gone to are Naperville and Dekalb. But I never take Alex to Naperville so have at that one. He does however frequent Dekalb's ;-)

    You're right. I had best just stick to Borders when Children are in tow ;-)


  9. Or make that Barnes and Nobles. OYE. I really need to read before hitting submit ;-)

  10. If it’s bugging you severely, why don’t you suggest productive things I can do to de-stress that do not involve target shooting.

    I believe target shooting is an excellent stress reliever.

    But why does Bill have a cable and why are you spying on him?

  11. I was going to leave a comment but I'm heading to Border's now!
    Lot's of porn you say?

  12. if you're visiting the Norridge Borders, walk straight past the help desk, maps will be on your right, then self help, and WHAM there's the sex section. Just please remember to return the book (all ten books) to the shelves, don't care if they're in order as long as it looks semi-neat. and just in case you want some additional reading, i will suggest the gay and lesbian section (if you're already in the sex section turn left, cross the aisle, it'll be right in the corner before politics and government {hmmm...}), also suggest the romance section, lots of fun erotic reading to be had, maybe you can read out loud to your partner?

    bee-you crack me up! i'm literally in pieces, luckily my finger is still on the keyboard...

    former Border employee

  13. Bee you crack me up!! I want to hire someone to make
    Minnie-Bee's...I would take you everywhere I go and we would laugh all of life's shit away...and point & laugh at stupid people...and put naughty naked picture books on the doorsteps of Grannies the world over.

  14. Wow, what a good samaritan you are!

  15. All I have to say is you are a riot! Flippin hilarious...keep them coming you make my day definitely better after your reads!

  16. Chris:
    I drive by Naperville on my way to St. Charles but don’t worry, I never actually go into the town.

    After reading my blog, do you think it’s safe for someone with my umm… mental instability to own a hand gun?
    RE: Bill. (LOL)
    He seems to be the guy that orders porn from our house and I need to spy on him so that I can ask him why.

    Why do you need porn? According to you, you Rock the Kazba…

    Dear Former Border’s Employee:
    First, I’m impressed with your directions to a self help area no one likes to admit to. Second, I would like to say again that I am not gay (today). Third, partner what partner? Fourth, I hope the finger left on the keyboard is the middle finger cuz it’s the best one (the index finger is highly overrated and I’d rather point with the middle one anyway) Fifth, Maybe it’s time you come back home to keep me out of mischief!

    If you were to speak to my peeps they’d tell you that you can’t get any minnier than me. Why would I want to delegate? I’d rather create havoc with you myself rather than miss out on the fun due to a clone! :o)

    Thanks! I do try really heard to make the world a better place!

    Mrs. Jo:
    I’m honored


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.