Interview with a Wicked Witch Part 1

Producer's note: All footage was damaged due to the Flood of 2007 which is why you are having to read this interview instead of watching it on TV. Our fear is that in her anger, The Wicked Witch caused global warming which resulted in our horrible weather. Please do not anger her by mocking her interview in any way. We now know what she's capable of doing.


The following interview was originally to take place in front of a studio audience, unfortunately, some audience members tried to form a lynch mob and were immediately turned into dung beetles!


Orpa decided to have a one on one with The Wicked Witch so as not to endanger anyone else.
No further news is available on the dung beetles (Lawsuit is pending)



Orpa:
Our next guest is someone we've feared since we were itty bitty school children. Y'all remember going to school and hearing stories about how you're neighbor who lived in the corner house was a witch? Well this one is the most powerful one and she has agreed to answer all questions no matter how intimate!


Please welcome... The Wicked Witch!


[fake clapping]


[Out walks WW wearing a long black flowing gown. Her skin the color of the inside of an avocado]


Orpa:
Thank you for joining us! I have to say I wasn't expecting you to look so...


WW:
You were expecting a hag weren't you? Those are old wives tales, you see what you want to see!


Orpa:
After years of tales it's hard not to believe them. Are you ready to begin? Remember you've promised to speak without inhibitions...


WW:
Just start already! [Her impatience visible in her constant shifting]


Orpa:
So you're aware, all of our questions were submitted by audience members. If there's one you don't like, you must answer it but you shouldn't take your anger out on me.


WW:
I'm immortal, time normally doesn't mean anything to me but if the next thing out of your mouth isn't a question , you'll be talking to my smoke!

[Orpa sighs]

Orpa:
Are you married or do you have a significant other?

WW:
I am the equivalent of what you humans would call married.

Orpa:
Okay… [motioning for her to continue] Listen you said you’d answer all our questions!


WW:
Considering this is my first interview ever, how about you relax...?

Yes, I’m married. I’ve been married for 650 years! He is a Warlock that siphons energy and power from people during the day, both from their homes and bodies, and is one of the creatures people keep trying to kill in that “warcrafty” world at night.


Orpa:
You said he is a Warlock, as in male witch?


WW:
::sigh:: Yes, male witch. Nobody else can semi control me.


Orpa:
Since your behavior is so… let’s say odd, what attracted you to him?


WW:
Well a girls gotta laugh so I would have to say his sense of humor. He makes me laugh so hard sometimes, I can barely hobble in time to get to the bathroom.


[Opra gasps]


WW:
Oh… too much information? Make up your mind first you want to know everything then you don’t! Anyway he’s extremely funny, there are those few days when he’s MMVSing but…


Orpa:
What is MMVSing?


WW:
Masculine Mentally Vacated Syndrome, You know, when they can’t seem to be able to find the rats milk when it’s sitting right under their hook nose?


Orpa:
I don't believe we've heard from him, is he a private person?


WW:
Well, like I said, at night he is trying to keep from being killed so he’s really busy. Humans to him are just work, he has no interest in their world outside of that.


Orpa:
In fiction, wicked witches usually are unconditionally evil, and get punished accordingly. I'm guessing you don't agree with this, so how do you think humanity gains from having you around?


WW:
Well, I don’t want to say I’m unconditionally evil… I don't walk around casting spells willy nilly, I have to be provoked! I've found this helps my chances in not being persecuted to be burned, hung or melted, contrary to popular belief, that little girl did not get the best of me. I just chose to go underground so I faked my death.

I’ve been known to forgive an offender now and then by sparing there lives and just turning them into something useful like…fertilizer.

The world needs me! Without me how would you warn your kids about evil? I am the one you come to when you say to your children “If you don’t eat your vegetables the Wicked Witch will come eat your spleen”… what? What do you mean you don’t threaten your kids? Well that’s why they become crack heads then!


Orpa:
Do you ever want to have children?


WW:
No.


Orpa:
Can you elaborate?


WW:
No, thank you…?


Orpa:
I am not going to warn you again…


WW:
Fine, but just for the record, you don’t scare me! I can turn your money into monkey shit.
I and my Other are too self involved. We are the picture of selfish. If we had children, how would we be able to pick up and go to the movies on a whim? I was told you can’t put kids in cages…


Orpa:
Is being a WW a 24x7 occupation, or do you get time off? If the latter, what do you do with your free time?


WW:
Well if you would have asked me that question 500 years ago I would have said it was 24/7 but now that I’ve hired, not really hired because I don’t pay them… with money anyway, minions it’s more of a 7AM-8PM gig.
On my off time I stalk bloggers, write some offending letters, along with curses, make voodoo dolls, tend to my garden of poison herbs and marijuana... Hey! What's that disapproving look for? A girl has got to decompress…


[Orpa pauses her interview to let her editors know she does not want that in her interview. Her editors agreed with her but behind her back the producers make the decision to leave it in. The WW continues.]

My Other and I usually take a vacation around October, before Halloween, we go to this unpopular vacation spot called “Nowheresville”. We like it there because nobody bothers us requesting autographs and spells.

Orpa:
You go on vacation before Halloween? Don’t you need to prepare to frighten people?

WW:
Refreshing my batteries before that night is more important! I know people usually don’t vacation before their big events but I have no need to prepare being scary. You are not a real witch if you can’t naturally get up from your stone slab and be horrific.

Stay tuned on Wednesday 8/29/07 for part 2 of The Wicked Witch where she talks about her childhood and Santa Clause.

*The producers would like to state we do not agree or disagree with any of the opionons given in this interview.