Interview With A Wicked Witch Part 3

Producer's note: All footage was damaged due to the Flood of 2007 which is why you are having to read this interview instead of watching it on TV. Our fear is that in her anger, The Wicked Witch caused global warming which resulted in our horrible weather.

Please do not anger her by mocking her interview in any way. We now know what she's capable of doing.

[When we return we see Orpa visibly shaken and WW is smiling]

Orpa:

Please continue...

WW:

When did I realize I melted...?

That’s a bad memory. Few people know I'm missing a pinky on my left hand and a big toe on my right foot.

Some moron spilled his coffee on my toe and it sizzled! I just thought it was because it was hot but my toe had melted right off! Don’t worry I turned him into recycled toilet paper.

I was still young when this happened, in my early 80’s, and...What?

Yeah, coffee's been around longer than you humans know. It was originally just for immortals but some moron fell in love with a human and the rest is history...

Anyway... I didn’t think anything of it at the time, 10 years later I was going to boil frog legs so I decided to test the water with my pinky to see if it was hot. The good news is that it wasn’t hot. The bad news is that I can’t give somebody a high five with my left hand.

Orpa: [looks for a "safe" question]

What is your favorite non-alcholic drink?

WW:

I am addicted to coffee. How can I drink it you ask? Water/Liquids cannot touch my skin but I can drink them as long as they don't touch my lips...

I have special straws that I insert halfway down my throat. Luckily I don't have human gag reflexes.

Orpa:

What do you wear underneath of your cape...sexy negligees? Plain cotton? Or maybe you go commando?

WW:

I wear underthings made out of hemp! I ride around on a broom in high altitudes I have no use for soft delicate fabrics!

Orpa:

Isn't hemp uncomfortable to wear directly on the skin?

WW:

::sigh:: We are talking about my skin. So you realize I fly in all kinds of weather? Freezing rain, snow, heat etc. Do you think delicate skin could take that? No? Right! My skin isn't delicate it's made better than human skin! Plastic Surgeons would give an eyeball for a literal piece of me, some have!

Orpa:

Favorites: book, color, musical artist, smell, movie, alcholic drink, TV show, cell phone provider?

WW:

Wow!

Give me a minute...

My favorite book is a cook book, “For witches that love their warlocks” {snicker}

Color: Blood Red

Musical Artist: I find myself playing Bob Marley for some odd reason. Mostly when I smok-... what the f[bleep] didn't you f[bleep]n' warn me about answering all your f[bleep]n' questions truthfully?! You are so full of s[bleep]! Fine! Where the f[bleep] were we?

[WW continues but her skin starts glowing a deep emerald green]
Smells...

There’s nothing better than the smell of monkey feces in the morning.

Movie: Grease. The part you first see John Travolta as he's leaning against the school and he turns around and smiles...! What? I have a soft spot for JT before he went all weird with the Scientology crap! Aliens! Everybody knows they don’t exist!

Drink: Vodka & Cactus juice!

TV show: Friends that Chandler cracks me up!

Don’t need a cell phone, I communicate with my Other by a high pitch scream. I don’t need to call anybody else.

Orpa:

Is there a rule that witches must wear black?

WW:

Well after a few years I’ve put on a couple of pounds, black is slimming, I thought everyone knew that! Besides, not too many colors go with green.

Orpa:

How do you make your living? Or is money not something that dictates your life? Maybe you can make your own?

WW:

I get e-mails requesting things, I cannot say what since I've signed confidentiality agreements, then I get paid for my services. It’s against the law to manufacturing money yourself… I can’t make make my own, but I can turn it into anything I wish if somebody displeases me. Do I like money? Yes. Does it rule my life? No.

Orpa:

Do you have any tattoos or piercings?

WW:

I have one tattoo. My Other has one similar to mine, it’s two entangled hooked noses. Piercings, just my ears and the dimples of my cheeks.

Orpa:

Since you can fly around on your broom, I'll assume you've traveled the world, what's your favorite place to visit?

WW:

I have lots of, for lack of a better word, “THINGS” I know in Transylvania. I recommend people go there. Especially with children. Yeah... take your kids with you. [she winks at the camera]

Orpa:

Who would you choose to portray you, in the movie of your life?

WW:

Well the person I resemble the most is Angelina Jolie so maybe her…? I don’t know they might have to make her look a little younger...

Orpa:

Do you like children? And I don’t mean in a 5 Gallon pot with carrots and peas. If not, why not?

WW:

No, children and I do not get along. I don't understand their language.

Orpa:

Witches normally have black cats as pets, what is the name of your black cat?

WW:

I’m allergic to cats so I don't have one.

[When the producers fact checked this information, they found out she was not allergic to cats. Her Other stated she just didn't like them but that it's always unpopular to make that statement.]

Orpa:

In a battle between you and Jeannie, who would have won Major Nelson’s sweet love? What would you have done to catch his eye and conquer his affectionate kisses?

WW:

I was the one that banished Jeannie, to that bottle. I win all the way but you can keep your Major Nelson, he’s too much of a weenie for me! I like men you will stand up to me, he couldn't even control an insipid genie!

Orpa:

We only see witches wearing these fabulous or not so fabulous gowns/dresses…. what about when you go to bed…. the gym…. the movies… the beach??

WW:

200 years ago I kidna-… uh hired a dressmaker. She keeps me in all the latest fashions in exchange for her immortality. Just like nuns and priests, I do wear regular clothes every once in a while.

Orpa:

Are you able to wiggle your nose and make people go away? If so why haven’t you used your powers to get rid of people who make you unhappy?

WW:

Go away? Do you mean like kill them? I'm evolving with the times and trying not to extinguish lives anymore. I only turn them into things like crickets and cicadas. Only I have the power to let people make me unhappy. I choose to mock them instead.

Orpa:

Which has been the worst spell you have ever cast and to whom was it directed?

WW:

Worst spell? I think all of my spells are amusing, to me anyway but let me think.Well I made Britney Spears fall in love with K-Fed... I did that one for Hilary Duff, it turns out she wanted Britney to spiral. I'm telling you because the Duff still owes me...

Orpa:

Are you green ALL OVER ?

WW:

What!? What the hell kinda questions is that?

Orpa:

Uh... don't get angry... i-i-i-f you l-l-ike we can c-c-c-ome b-b-back to that one...

WW:

F[bleep] YOU! WE WILL NOT COME BACK TO THAT ONE! WHAT THE F[bleep]!!!

[The studio is suddenly dark. The only light is the one spot light shining directly at WW. Orpa is now on her knees in fright but she is determined to finish this interview.]

Orpa:

H-H-Have you e-e-ever had f-f-f-fantasies about the Incredible H-H-Hulk ?

WW:

Oh I see, because he’s green and I’m green right? Well I’m tired of the world judging us by our skin color! That’s it! I’m done with these ridiculous questions! GET THIS F[bleep]N' MIC OFF ME!

Orpa:

N-N-No, w-w-wait you s-s-said...

J-J-Just one more questions...

W-W-What's a n-n-nice girl like you d-d-doing in a b-b-blog like this?

[In an instant she's gone! All that was left was the sound of her cackle!]

Orpa collapses.

Question Credits:

Crazy people that know who they are.

*If you're wondering about the Dung Beetle Lawsuit, they were eaten by snakes and everyone is denying this ever happened. This is why you'll never hear about it on the news.