Interview With A Wicked Witch Part 2

Producer's note: All footage was damaged due to the Flood of 2007 which is why you are having to read this interview instead of watching it on TV. Our fear is that in her anger, The Wicked Witch caused global warming which resulted in our horrible weather. Please do not anger her by mocking her interview in any way. We now know what she's capable of doing.

The following interview was originally to take place in front of a studio audience, unfortunately, some audience members tried to form a lynch mob and were immediately turned into dung beetles! Orpa decided to have a one on one with The Wicked Witch so as not to endanger anyone else.

No further news is available on the dung beetles (Lawsuit is pending)

Where we left off...

Orpa:
Are there any other witches more powerful than you?

WW:
There was one that came close, but when I was informed her weakness was Mickey Dee’s, I sent my monkeys to bring her food every hour. When she was too meat drunk to move, I made her explode. They recently discovered her remains in oil form near Azoobefar.

Orpa:
Where’s Azoobefar?

WW:
I believe I came here for personal questions not to give you a geography lesson.

[Orpa mumbles something under her breath that sounds like 'what a bitch' the WW smiles.]

Orpa:
Where do you take your broom to get serviced if it breaks down?

WW:

My broom is not mechanical. It is an ordinary broom you can find in any store. I’ve gone thru thousands of them.

Orpa:
Well if it’s just an ordinary broom, can I go and get mine and fly?

WW:
First, do you even know where your broom would be? Don’t you have people that wipe your nose for you? Anyway you cannot fly if you are not a witch.

Are you familiar with Santa’s sleigh? Well his sleigh runs on [gag] believing in him, sunshine and good wishes, I fly because of people’s fears.

Guess who flies higher and longer! Thanks to all the wusses out there who are afraid of the dark!

By the way I’ve only met Santa once and he is too saccharine sweet for me but I would keep an eye on him if I were you… Have things gone missing after he visits? That’s all I’m sayin’!

Orpa:
How dare YOU of all people imply Santa’s bad!

WW:
Hey! At least you know what I’m about! I never promised joy and happiness! I’m all about rage. … And money, if you have the bucks you can rent me for an hour. For spells gutter minds!

Orpa:
What happened in your childhood?

WW:
Nothing much happened in my childhood. My adoptive parents bought 2 monkeys to keep me company so that I wouldn’t have to go out in public. Little did they know they got me a male and a female which, after tons of inbreeding, provided me with my Monkey Army.

Orpa:

Do you have many friends?

WW:
Friends no. Frenemies yes.

Orpa:
What do you mean by "frenemies"?

WW:
People who are terrified of me but would rather stay on my good side so they do my bidding.
I guess I should start hanging out with more witches but they all think they’re prettier than me. Which, as you can see, they are mistaken!

Orpa:
If you could be any color besides green what would it be and why?

WW:

Let’s see… probably orange. I would want to be a color as offensive as green. It goes with my antisocial behavior…

Orpa:

Is your Wickedness a result of a broken heart?

WW:

No… I am happy to say, every warlock I’ve encountered has fallen for me as if in a strange spell...

[WW looks "angelicly" at the camera then wiggles her eyebrows]

Orpa:

What do you feed your flying monkeys?

WW:
If I told you what I fed my monkeys you’d form another lynch mob! But ONE of the things they like are toe nail clippings. They’d hang out a Nail Salons all day if I didn’t have a buzzer under their skin.

Orpa:

Are there any reptile ancestors in your family tree?

WW:

Very funny! Because I’m green right? Well I know who asked that question and I’ll be visiting you in your nightmares! Sweet dreams!

Orpa:
You still didn't answer... [cut off]

WW:
No! No reptiles!

Orpa:

At what age are you planning on retiring or do you plan on being on this shoe quest till your dying day?

WW:

I will never retire. Never Ever. I already have a back up plan in case a house falls on me. I’ve stored my DNA so that my Other will clone me… Well, I hope he does anyway, because you can’t always trust a warlock! By the way shoes are my passion!

Orpa:

Speaking of shoes, a walk in your shoes, can you please give us some insight or walk us through a day in the life of the WW?

WW:

A day in my life.
Well it starts with my Other banging the gong, not a euphemism we literally have a gong, to make me wake up.
We argue for about 10 minutes as to who is going to let the monkeys out, feed them etc.
He leaves to his energy thing. I go back to sleep. 2 hours later I wake up. I make sure my hair is flock of seagull-ish and go on to torment the world.

Orpa:

Where do you go to relax? The local mud hole?

WW:
I recently joined Alcholics Anonymous. I enjoy making them break their sobriety. [At Orpa's shocked expression she adds] Don't worry I always put them in a cab! Of course I give the cab driver the wrong directions but that's another story...

Orpa:
Do you live your life without regrets?

WW:
I only have one. And that's agreeing to this interview!

Orpa:
How and when did you find out that you would melt if you where in contact with water? Didn't you find out when you tried to bathe?

WW:

My adoptive parents would gather dead skin cells from the local skin buffing spa and scrub it all over me. I just assumed this is how everyone cleaned themselves.

[Orpa gags and asks for a break.]

Stay tuned for the last installment of The Wicked Witch Interview where she will discuss how she first found out water was her enemy, who wins the battle between her and Jeannie and what's under her dress...