Wednesday, May 28, 2008


Do you ever have times in your life where you just keep getting shit on? And not just ordinary shit like bird shit or dog shit. No, no no! You are lucky enough to have an Elephant shit on you. After it had been constipated for a week. That's how our life has been lately.

On Tuesday Andy and I went to the Laundromat again.
We learned a few things from our first time at the Mat. One of ‘em being leave right after work so that we don’t get home at 9:30.

Andy being Andy, as soon as I walked into the house that fateful Tuesday, I was scolded because he couldn’t get into the garage (I had locked it so no one would steal the picture of the naked chick hanging on the wall and I have the only key)(since I'm the only one taht puts her car in there), I was scolded because I didn’t park in the garage, I was scolded because rainbows and butterflies follow my every move. When I decided to throw one of my rainbows in his direction, like a KILLER boomerang, he didn’t like it so much so was all "let’s go NOW!" uh, I had to pee but okay.

Now, the reason I didn’t park in the garage was because neighbor Boomhauer’s friend’s car and Andy’s were blocking my way. I left my car on the down part of our driveway and figured I’d put it in the garage when we got home from the Laundromat. The other car had been moved since then but I thought I’d leave mine out anyway to scare potential burglars into thinking there was a really cool dangerous chick at home watching reruns of Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

We get into Andy’s car to make our trek to the Mat but something got in our way. Something big and blue. Something I like to refer to as my Mini Tank. Something BIGGER THAN A BREAD BOX!

Guess who he blamed?

If you said "He blamed you” DING DING DING!! You are now the proud owner of a pat on the back.

Here is my alibi:

Andy was in the driver’s seat of his car.

I was in the PASSENGER seat of his car.

Therefore… ergo… nuh-uh!! No way was it my fault!

Unless of course I have a remote control device and made my car MOVE FORWARD.

While sitting on the PASSENGER’S side.
Of Andy’s car.

Fuckin' Toyota piece of shit car! It's only 2 years old and has needed car surgery 3 times before this for the bumper! If this stinkin' piece of crap were a horse, it'd be glue by now!!! (The other 3 times weren't Andy's fault. People hit him. Bad Karma man!)

Let me lay out my case for you.

This is our driveway:

That's Andy's car and mine is behind it on the down part of the driveway. Do you see all the space he had to maneuver around me??

For evidence in my defense, I’d like to admit the following.

The perp has a prior conviction for driving while under the assumption that all big stationary objects will magically disappear/move/lift-themselves-on-their-tippy-toes to get out of his way. 4 years ago, he backed into our house.

Our house is as big as a… well, HOUSE!

I rest my case honorable readers. I know there is no way you will take his side. Well, you CAN but then I'd have to hunt you down and let Mocha kill you with her bad doggy breath.

My Mini Tank? NO DENTS NO SCRATCHES NO SHIT!! Screw the Hummers man! Get yourselves a Hyundai Sonata!

If you click on Humor-Blogs you'll meet more people who like to move out of the way on their tippy toes. You'll also make the elephant shit less smelly.

If you're ever in the car with Andy, WEAR YOUR SEAT BELT! And maybe a crash helmet. You should bring some pillows too. Or bubble wrap. Also, don't buy a Toyota. Their bumpers OBVIOUSLY collapse if you look at them funny!


If you're wondering about the Lime Green Bra. I just thought it was funny how all my clothes were drying. You could see dark brown, dark blue, dark red, black and then one Lime Green Bra shoving itself towards the glass door of the dryer. I was going to take a picture but Andy kabashed the idea.

And I quote "The fuck? Are you nuts?? That is TMI even for you!" I agreed only because he had just had a traumatic experience, you know, my car rearing up on its hind tires then attacking him and all.


  1. I personally think that stationary objects SHOULD get out of my way if I'm about to hit them. It's only right.

  2. 1. It's unfair - people always blame the driver, even when it's the passenger's fault for distracting them with lime green bras.

    2. The car crumples so the occupants don't have to.

    3. Pilots have a saying that any landing you walk away from is a good one (or something), maybe Andy could have a similar motto as a bumper sticker. Though he'd better stick it somewhere else, like a window.


  4. This is your blogaversary?

    Happy Anniversary BEE!

    We kind of have an unspoken rule in our house. If something doesn't go Chris' way, it's automatically my fault. That's the way it's been our entire marriage. And him hitting my car, somehow totally would have been my fault.
    I feel for ya!

  5. That was a super story - but I felt you left out too much of the story of how he hit your house. THAT'S what I really want to hear about!

  6. 1. As a typical male, i was hoping there was going to more discussion about the bra, but...what can you do?

    2. The cars you least expect to stand a bump are the ones that see the least damage. I've seen a few little crap cars (as in they were not what I would have chosen as a car) withstand quite a beating and not look any worse for wear.

    3. Happy anniversary. So, what you buy me?

  7. Happy, happy blogversary. Bloggerversary? Writing a blog? I don't know. It could be anything, but yeah! Happy first year!

    And seriously, what's up with hitting a HOUSE?! I thought only fugitives and/or people who left the bar at 2 a.m., blew through the stop sign, and thinking they were in another time zone hit houses with their cars?!

    We have a Hyundia Elantra. Apparently, the manufacturers put all the reinforced steel into the Sonata, because I swear to you, I think I can bend the frames on that Elantra just thinking about it.

  8. What more can you expect from someone with a Cheeto complex?

  9. yeah I used to like tha Fresh Prince of Belair, only, have you niticed lately how hawwwt Will Smith is looking?

  10. I'm all for a bra pic anyways

    My Mom hit my car once when I parked behind her and yeah, I got the blame for that too....

    We must be twins

  11. Eleventh!

    Well, I was disappointed - I misread the title as "Lime Green Beans"...

  12. Even when my husband misplaces his keys or drops and breaks something - I can HEAR the machinery of his brain searching for a way in which this was my fault. Dillweed.

  13. I do NOT (shall I repeat... DO NOT) allow a man to yell at me. For any reason. My boyfriend did it once. He was working on his car and I was helping him and I was reaching to get a tool he dropped into the planter. He was ascared because there was a black widow down there. I said, "Oh hell." and went to get it. He yelled at me. I think he even called me a dumbshit. Later, when he calmed down (you know men are bears when they work on cars) he said, "Sorry I yelled at you, but you WERE doing something stupid!" I waited till we got home and then when we were settled in to watch a movie, I turned and said, "That was a shitty apology, do you want to try again?" He said, "How was it shitty?" I said, "I'm sorry... but you were being stupid?" He said, "Okay fine.. I'm sorry.. now come here so I can give you a spanking!"

    That was better. ;)

  14. Happy blogversary, wow a whole year.

    mine is coming up soon too. guess I'll celebrate it the same way I did my 100th post

  15. In my defense I'll say I was distracted by a hot jogger down the block.....

    BTW the house was drunk when it hit me.


    Don't drink & sit you stupid house!!!!!

  16. Dorky Dad:
    Well, you can always make a tunnel.

    1-Did you say strangling them with lime green bras?

    2-Well this one is doing a GREAT job!

    3-Ha! His bumper acts like a magnet or a bulls eye!

    THANKS!! :o)

    We're all married to the same man only with different names...

  17. Alice:
    He might have blamed me for that too I think. It went something like 'You didn't go to bed on time so I was half asleep when I was backing out of the driveway.'

    1-It was unwashed then washed then wet then dry. ;op

    2-True that!

    3-Thanks! The same thing I got you last year, oh wait...

    Weird! I hope you and Andy are never involved in a two way crash.

    Ha ha! That's exactly what I thought and wondered if I'd still be with him if not for his cute lil' butt. ;o)

    jean knee:

  18. Slick:
    My momm once bumped into a pole while walking, I got blamed for that too.

    You are so obsessed with green beans!
    I think you should see a doctor.

    Like I said to Tracy same man different name. :o)

    We yell at each other all the time. The making up is fun!

    jean knee:
    THANKS! I'll let you borrow the ape... :o)

    This is why I keep you around, you make me giggly!

  19. I always get the blame around my house too. I'm half working burro and half blame-ity scapegoat.

  20. "Unless of course I have a remote control device and made my car MOVE FORWARD."
    My wife made her car roll out of the garage with nobody in it, out into the street, and block traffic for 20 minutes until the cops came to the house and told her where her car was!

    You need a remote? I'm sorry about that head injury you had as a kid.

    "4 years ago, he backed into our house."
    Let that be a lesson to you! Always put things back where they belong when you're done cleaning! That poor man could have been killed!!

    Face it - you're unique - just like the rest of us!:P

  21. There there Bee.
    I saw this and I knew you'd love it: Behold, Brad's new flick.

  22. EWBL:
    We should all form a club! :o)

    It makes my cold heart less unhappy to know there are other twisted souls out there!
    I'll try to put landing lights on the driveway to guide his path into the unknown. ;o)

    I love it! Although, wuz up with his hair?


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.