OF BUMPER CARS AND LIME GREEN BRAS

Do you ever have times in your life where you just keep getting shit on? And not just ordinary shit like bird shit or dog shit. No, no no! You are lucky enough to have an Elephant shit on you. After it had been constipated for a week. That's how our life has been lately.

On Tuesday Andy and I went to the Laundromat again.
We learned a few things from our first time at the Mat. One of ‘em being leave right after work so that we don’t get home at 9:30.

Andy being Andy, as soon as I walked into the house that fateful Tuesday, I was scolded because he couldn’t get into the garage (I had locked it so no one would steal the picture of the naked chick hanging on the wall and I have the only key)(since I'm the only one taht puts her car in there), I was scolded because I didn’t park in the garage, I was scolded because rainbows and butterflies follow my every move. When I decided to throw one of my rainbows in his direction, like a KILLER boomerang, he didn’t like it so much so was all "let’s go NOW!" uh, I had to pee but okay.

Now, the reason I didn’t park in the garage was because neighbor Boomhauer’s friend’s car and Andy’s were blocking my way. I left my car on the down part of our driveway and figured I’d put it in the garage when we got home from the Laundromat. The other car had been moved since then but I thought I’d leave mine out anyway to scare potential burglars into thinking there was a really cool dangerous chick at home watching reruns of Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

We get into Andy’s car to make our trek to the Mat but something got in our way. Something big and blue. Something I like to refer to as my Mini Tank. Something BIGGER THAN A BREAD BOX!



Guess who he blamed?

If you said "He blamed you” DING DING DING!! You are now the proud owner of a pat on the back.

Here is my alibi:

Andy was in the driver’s seat of his car.

I was in the PASSENGER seat of his car.

Therefore… ergo… nuh-uh!! No way was it my fault!

Unless of course I have a remote control device and made my car MOVE FORWARD.
WITH NOBODY INSIDE IT!
While sitting on the PASSENGER’S side.
Of Andy’s car.
RIGHT NEXT TO HIM.

Fuckin' Toyota piece of shit car! It's only 2 years old and has needed car surgery 3 times before this for the bumper! If this stinkin' piece of crap were a horse, it'd be glue by now!!! (The other 3 times weren't Andy's fault. People hit him. Bad Karma man!)

Let me lay out my case for you.

This is our driveway:


That's Andy's car and mine is behind it on the down part of the driveway. Do you see all the space he had to maneuver around me??

For evidence in my defense, I’d like to admit the following.

The perp has a prior conviction for driving while under the assumption that all big stationary objects will magically disappear/move/lift-themselves-on-their-tippy-toes to get out of his way. 4 years ago, he backed into our house.

Our house is as big as a… well, HOUSE!



I rest my case honorable readers. I know there is no way you will take his side. Well, you CAN but then I'd have to hunt you down and let Mocha kill you with her bad doggy breath.

My Mini Tank? NO DENTS NO SCRATCHES NO SHIT!! Screw the Hummers man! Get yourselves a Hyundai Sonata!

If you click on Humor-Blogs you'll meet more people who like to move out of the way on their tippy toes. You'll also make the elephant shit less smelly.


P.S.
If you're ever in the car with Andy, WEAR YOUR SEAT BELT! And maybe a crash helmet. You should bring some pillows too. Or bubble wrap. Also, don't buy a Toyota. Their bumpers OBVIOUSLY collapse if you look at them funny!


P.P.S.



If you're wondering about the Lime Green Bra. I just thought it was funny how all my clothes were drying. You could see dark brown, dark blue, dark red, black and then one Lime Green Bra shoving itself towards the glass door of the dryer. I was going to take a picture but Andy kabashed the idea.

And I quote "The fuck? Are you nuts?? That is TMI even for you!" I agreed only because he had just had a traumatic experience, you know, my car rearing up on its hind tires then attacking him and all.