Friday, May 16, 2008

Welcome FOFOAS

I know you guys have been worried, thinking Andy had finally buried me under my magnolia tree but I'm still alive and kickin' ass!

Anyway, I took Thursday and Friday off of work so I may do last minute preparations for Sister Nancy's baby-shower.
On Thursday we had Niece Natalia's graduation and I discovered I couldn't find my purse and freaked THE HELL OUT! I thought I might have left it at work but then I said to myself, 'wouldn't they have called me?' I decided to call Glynda's cell but she didn't answer so I left her a voicemail. I put the *freak out* on hold so that I could enjoy my niece's celebration.

We arrived at the ceremony early hoping to get good seats and scored 2 in the first row. This was my view at the beginning. Natalia is the perfect little lady in the middle.
Doesn't this tell you what these kids' personalities will be like when they grow up? To her left are the Frat boys but lets zoom in on the kids to her right.

The kid is diggin for gold and the other little girl is asking Natalia if she can believe the kid is in knuckle deep!

After about 5 minutes, this was my view:

Ass here, ass there, asses asses everywhere! What the fuck!! I know people are trying to get pictures of their kids but how about some fuckin' courtesy to the people that got there early? Maybe kneel on the floor??

I got up but then this jag stood in front of me. I continued taking pictures and muttering things like "Oh what a nice view I have! Stupid lady's ass. Idiot giant man's head" over and over until Andy came and took the camera from me. I didn't want to start a brawl at my niece's Pre-K graduation but I was ready to rumble! Asswipes! They can fuck off!

Luckily the ceremony didn't last too much longer and we got to the important business of celebrating by eating cake and ribs IN THAT ORDER CUZ WE'RE REBELS!

When I got home, I continued my insane worrying about my purse. Did I leave it on the roof of my car when I left work Wednesday and just drove off (NOT AN UNCOMMON THING FOR ME TO DO) Did I drop it? My driver's license is in it, my debit card, my cherry lollipop...

I kept waking up during the night with my first thought being what a hassle it would be to replace all that crap! Then, at 7:55 AM on Friday morning, Glynda called to tell me she got my message and yes I had left my purse at work, and I quote, "Milton found it so I don't know if she went thru it"

Now remember peoples. I could not drive to pick it up since I did not have a driver's license. Being the brilliant problem solver that I am, I asked my sister to pick it up on her way home from the doctor since she was coming to my house to pick up a 5 year old who had happened to camp out in my living room. Great idea right? Sounds reasonable doesn't it?


Hi Milton. I was wondering if you could give my sister my purse and my paycheck since she'll be driving by in a few minutes.


Well... uhm... I uhm... she... uhm needs... you need to give her a letter of authorization.

... ... Do you understand what this would mean? If she had to come all the way to my house, what would be the point of the freakin' letter?? I could just go with her!


Transfer me to Glynda.


I... uh... to Glynda?

I talked to Glynda and explained the asinine suggestion of the dumbass! She gave the okay to release my purse from captivity to my capable sister.

I know what you're going to say "Rules are rules. Corporate America yadda yadda" Why do you always take Milton's side? We are a small office and they have all met my sister. Milton has been to her house for a house warming party. Glynda said I should just give them a letter on Monday to appease Milton so here's a little preview:

I herby authorize, by the power vested in me, sister on her way home from Ob/Gyne, need ID for booze, paycheck for crack...

That way Milton will know that what I'm really saying is that she can Fuck Off!

Last but not least, while I was cleaning my back porch, I moved a box and this ginormous woman eating bug jumped out at me and hissed!!

Okay, it didn't jump. Or hiss. But it still scared the shit out of me forcing me to stand up quickly and bang my head on the window's door. (My windows open in, like mini french doors) I swear I saw stars! My ears went numb, I got dizzy, Brad Pitt was standing in front of me.

If I wouldn't have been so determined to stay upright, I might have ended up face down in a pile of old shoes and peanut shells (don't ask). Now I have a goose egg on the top of my head and look like this:

Don't worry. That bug has now left our realm.

I'm tired now so how's about clicking on Humor-Blogs for me? I'm not trying to force you or anything but if you click on Humor-Blogs, my headache might go away.


Nothing scares an insomniac more than a TV that's set up to go on at 1:30 in the morning!! Who does that??


  1. I read it!

    Ok, I'm so glad you did not start a brawl at the pre-K graduation! That's a sure way to end up on the 11 o'clock news and then YouTube.

  2. I'm NOT taking Milton's side


    There are a lot of impostors going around nowadays. You really can't trust no one Bee.

  3. The next time someone gets in front of you when you're taking a picture, you ought to do what I do: just goose 'em. It gets their attention really quick. And when they turn around to protect their hindquarters--point to the person next to them before they hit you.

    And if they don't move, goose 'em again. Eventually they'll go away, or you get in a fight. Either one is better than looking at their BUMS.

  4. Then again...what's so wrong with bums? Hmm...

  5. On second thought, just take many, many pictures of the bums, and say things, loudly, like: "oooh, that's it, baby! Show me those cheeks! Work it, work it!" And if they turn around, just ask them to please turn around again because you are photographing their posterior. Either they do, and you can continue, and you will amass a great deal of bum pictures you can post on the web, OR they get nervous and leave. Either way, you are the clear winner.

  6. You need to hold the camera above your head like the press photographers do, and snap randomly. Or were you already doing that?

    Maybe you should keep an authorisation note in your purse.

  7. Isn't it crows that crow, not cockerels?


    I've had that exact same thing happen at both of my girls graduations and it made me so mad! When it comes to their kids, people have not respect for anyone else. It's really a horrible thing.

    In case you were wondering, I stayed in my seat because MY mom taught me that there was nothing in this world more important than manners.

  9. You should have kept saying snap "And now your butt will be on my blog" snap "Oh and now yours will be too congrats." I think they would have moved quickly. Nobody wants their butts on someones blog.

  10. First of all, Natalia is gorgeous and I love, love, love her little pink toile print dress!

    Felicidades Natalia!

  11. Second of all, leave Milton alone.

    You leaving your bag there was probably the hottest pursey action she's had in a realllly long time.

  12. Third of all, Houston has delightful roaches that can grow to be the length of my hand....and they freakin fly....often they fly kamikaze style at you while you run screaming.

    Stop whining about your itty bitty Illinois bugs. They can't/don't/won't compare to jungle bugs that we have.

  13. Fourth of all, I demand to see a whole bunch of pictures from the shower today because I'm real nosy like that.

  14. Sixth of all, I want to be a Cock Fan too. Are you the President? Do I have to send cock fees to you? Do you worship at the altar of the cock? Do you have a special cock ceremony?

  15. Seventh of all, I pick my nose too.

    Your picture made me say a silent prayer that nobody ever catches me in the act and posts it on teh internets. :0

  16. Did the girl with the light brown pants and black shirt ever stand in front of you?
    If so please post pictures so I have a better idea of the horrible view you had.

  17. I'm all over the bozos at the graduation. These people are FREAKIN' INSANE with the need to document every second of their kid's lives. Can't you just sit back and enjoy for once?! Grrrr... and then they try to film me and I want my middle finger preserved for posterity.

  18. Are you sure the big ass bug and th terrifying effects of having the television suddenly come on at 1:30 a.m., aren't Andy's subtle ways of testing your fortitude? Like he's thinking, "Well, crap! Tampering the brakes is out..."

    Probably not. But watch your back.

    Or have someone at a kid's school event watch your back, because cripes, those people are hardcore! I enjoyed my son's kindergarten concert last week by wondering when all the giant adult heads in front of me would start singing. I assume my kid was up there. I remember dropping him off.

    Still. Watch your back.

  19. aww, Natalia looks like a porcelain doll.

  20. the cock crows at midnight...

  21. The cock, the crock and the frog crow at noo day.

  22. FYI for you all non-savvy peeps:

    noo comes right before noon.


    you should have come all the way to the front on the floor like me... Even though I was not able to get back up without your assistance, I got the money shot! :)


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.