I know you guys have been worried, thinking Andy had finally buried me under my magnolia tree but I'm still alive and kickin' ass!
Anyway, I took Thursday and Friday off of work so I may do last minute preparations for Sister Nancy's baby-shower.
On Thursday we had Niece Natalia's graduation and I discovered I couldn't find my purse and freaked THE HELL OUT! I thought I might have left it at work but then I said to myself, 'wouldn't they have called me?' I decided to call Glynda's cell but she didn't answer so I left her a voicemail. I put the *freak out* on hold so that I could enjoy my niece's celebration.
We arrived at the ceremony early hoping to get good seats and scored 2 in the first row. This was my view at the beginning. Natalia is the perfect little lady in the middle.
Doesn't this tell you what these kids' personalities will be like when they grow up? To her left are the Frat boys but lets zoom in on the kids to her right.
The kid is diggin for gold and the other little girl is asking Natalia if she can believe the kid is in knuckle deep!
After about 5 minutes, this was my view:
Ass here, ass there, asses asses everywhere! What the fuck!! I know people are trying to get pictures of their kids but how about some fuckin' courtesy to the people that got there early? Maybe kneel on the floor??
I got up but then this jag stood in front of me. I continued taking pictures and muttering things like "Oh what a nice view I have! Stupid lady's ass. Idiot giant man's head" over and over until Andy came and took the camera from me. I didn't want to start a brawl at my niece's Pre-K graduation but I was ready to rumble! Asswipes! They can fuck off!
When I got home, I continued my insane worrying about my purse. Did I leave it on the roof of my car when I left work Wednesday and just drove off (NOT AN UNCOMMON THING FOR ME TO DO) Did I drop it? My driver's license is in it, my debit card, my cherry lollipop...
I kept waking up during the night with my first thought being what a hassle it would be to replace all that crap! Then, at 7:55 AM on Friday morning, Glynda called to tell me she got my message and yes I had left my purse at work, and I quote, "Milton found it so I don't know if she went thru it"
Now remember peoples. I could not drive to pick it up since I did not have a driver's license. Being the brilliant problem solver that I am, I asked my sister to pick it up on her way home from the doctor since she was coming to my house to pick up a 5 year old who had happened to camp out in my living room. Great idea right? Sounds reasonable doesn't it?
Hi Milton. I was wondering if you could give my sister my purse and my paycheck since she'll be driving by in a few minutes.
Well... uhm... I uhm... she... uhm needs... you need to give her a letter of authorization.
... ... Do you understand what this would mean? If she had to come all the way to my house, what would be the point of the freakin' letter?? I could just go with her!
Transfer me to Glynda.
I... uh... to Glynda?
I talked to Glynda and explained the asinine suggestion of the dumbass! She gave the okay to release my purse from captivity to my capable sister.
I know what you're going to say "Rules are rules. Corporate America yadda yadda" Why do you always take Milton's side? We are a small office and they have all met my sister. Milton has been to her house for a house warming party. Glynda said I should just give them a letter on Monday to appease Milton so here's a little preview:
I herby authorize, by the power vested in me, sister on her way home from Ob/Gyne, need ID for booze, paycheck for crack...
That way Milton will know that what I'm really saying is that she can Fuck Off!
Last but not least, while I was cleaning my back porch, I moved a box and this ginormous woman eating bug jumped out at me and hissed!!
Okay, it didn't jump. Or hiss. But it still scared the shit out of me forcing me to stand up quickly and bang my head on the window's door. (My windows open in, like mini french doors) I swear I saw stars! My ears went numb, I got dizzy, Brad Pitt was standing in front of me.
If I wouldn't have been so determined to stay upright, I might have ended up face down in a pile of old shoes and peanut shells (don't ask). Now I have a goose egg on the top of my head and look like this:
Don't worry. That bug has now left our realm.
Nothing scares an insomniac more than a TV that's set up to go on at 1:30 in the morning!! Who does that??