Monday, May 19, 2008

I am so a fuckin trendsetter you ignorant douche that questioned why I wore one black shoe and one brown!!



Okay I um… accidentally wore 2 different colored shoes to work. It was cloudy this morning therefore my house was pitch black (or brown I obviously can’t tell the difference) and my electrician husband doesn’t believe in having working lights in our house. I kid I kid. His logic is that if he can’t afford, AT THIS VERY MOMENT, the expensive 5 million dollar designer lights, then we shall just walk around bumping into furniture and –ahem– wearing the same style shoes in different colors.

Of course, being unable to see is not always my excuse. One time I wore two different styles of shoes to Nancy’s ultrasound both black but one was lace up and the other was a slip on. Another time I wore one red sandal and one brown one but my sister stopped me at the door before I left for work and questioned my sanity.

Now that I think about it, maybe I shouldn’t be sharing these humiliating errors. Or maybe I should stop buying the same style of shoes in different colors?


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My first day back at work after 4 days off was as shitacular as all Mondays are proving to be.

I turned in my Authorization Note which said something like ‘without my driver’s license I cannot buy the liquor I so desperately need to ♫☼♪ forget all my troubles and go DOWNTOWN♫☼♪’ Glynda laughed her head off but Milton made this face:




I then removed 5 million charts from my chair and put up a *do not resuscitate* sign on my desk.
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Speaking of signs, I found this one on NCS’ blog and I had to steal it! I went to her blog, snuck up on it from the side (they never expect you to sneak up on the side, they always expect an attack from the front and the back but never the side) (I’m the exception. I expect attacks from the front, back sides, top, bottom, crisscross… I’m always prepared so don’t even TRY it!) clicked on it, saved it and posted it here.

Danger. Do Not Touch. Not only will this kill you, it will hurt the whole time you're dying.


It’s perfect! Everything I’ve always wanted to say about myself in 3 short sentences. Add to it that I’m also always grimacing and we’re set to move on with our lives.

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Here is a special Happy Birthday wish to my friend the great Elastic Woman.

Some theories on why she was born in a snow storm.

-She was hot even back then so they needed to bring down the temp in the hospital.
-She arrived in a flaming space vessel along with another dude who got all the attention just because he was made of steel or something and could see through clothes and jumped over tall buildings because he was a manic moron. They never told you about her super powers.

She is able to cook in a far away place and leave you wishing you could eat your computer screen. She can single handedly make you laugh at euphemisms you thought only existed in other worlds. She can shake you loose from bad moods and slap them across the face while they’re exiting your body with a warning never to return.

She can give birth at home then cook a mean dewberry cobbler concoction WITH REAL DEWBERRIES!


Most importantly of all, she has great taste in friends...


HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELASTIC... AND MANY MORE!!!

P.S.

Please click on Humor-Blogs. Thank you!

18 comments:

  1. Oh YES!!
    I am also a trendsetter 0:)

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  2. Just last night I watched a video about a guy's wife asking him to bring her other gray shoe to work (YouTube). She wore brown (no heel) with a gray (heeled) shoe.
    And I thought "WOW, she must be really awesome" which is exactly what I thought of you!

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  3. That sign was meant for you.
    They thought it was for some lame machine but nay, it is for you yo!

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  4. First, Happy Birthday Elastic!

    Second, I used to do the same thing. If I found a shoe that I liked I atleast bought two different colors of it. Then I walked around all miss matched.
    Buy different shoes Bee. It will make life much easier!

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  5. Oooo...I like the sign. I may need to borrow it for my own purposes. Wouldn't that look great hanging up in a classroom?

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  6. Love the sign. I might have to steal it from the top and make it into a t-shirt.

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  7. omg. i did the same thing once. i was already at work and walking down the hall. it felt like one shoe had something on the bottom. when i sat down to take a look, i realized not only was one shoe black and one shoe brown, one had a highter heel! bwahaha! of course i had just had a baby and not getting any sleep at all so i blamed it on that.

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  8. I've done the two different shoes thing too. Fun, isn't it?

    And the sign is AWESOME.

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  9. do like I do, own one pair of man shoes. you'll never go wrong.

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  10. Huh. I've never left the house with two different shoes but I get pissed off when my socks are different. And by different I mean black toe stiching and red toe stitching.

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  11. You are crazy...and very funny. I'm checking my shoes...OK. They are the same. Shew!

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  12. Happy Birthday EWBL!

    I think you should own lots of pairs of shoes, but all in the same colour, and ideally the same design. Then it won't matter. That's what I do with socks.

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  13. when I was in middle/high school and it was cool to buy old navy flip flops in a varity of colors and then wear them with odd color combos.. thank goodness i never followed that trend.

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  14. How do you lace up one shoe in what customarily comes in a pair and think "Yep, I'm done."? Hilarious!

    I'm hoping you can actually tell me, because when this inevitably happens to me in the future (I'm usually so pissed and scowly faced in the morning, the squint of my eyes prevents me from seeing moreso than the lack of light), I'll be ready with those who dare to ask!

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  15. Brian
    If she did that BEE would still manage to take two left shoes to work.

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  16. You and Carrot Jello made me all sniffly today.....

    Thanks Bee!!!!

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  17. NCS:
    I knew you and I were in sync!
    The signs is just what my little heart was looking for. ;o)

    Tracy:
    I have tried not to buy the same shoe in black/brown but... I love shoes!

    Alice:
    In a classroom, on my desk...
    :o)

    Meg:
    I'm going to ask someone to cross stitch it and I'll make pillows.

    Leigh:
    ha! See, I have no excuse other than darkness.

    Lainey-Paney:
    I'm glad I'm not alone!

    jean knee:
    I am going to Texas and I'm am going to find the perfect pair of comfortable shoes for you!

    Sornie:
    For some reason I always lose one of my socks so I buy all white ones exactly the same for that reason.

    JM:
    Lucky! ;o)

    Brian:
    HI BRIAN!!!
    No. What fun would it be to own all the same shoe?

    Shawna:
    Never buy the same pair of shoes either. It's proven to be dangerous! :o)

    FADKOG:
    I slipped them both on. I just thought one was a bit tight but just assumed my foot was a tad swollen. ;o)

    Dan:
    I would not! Probably not. Hopefully not?

    Elastic:
    :o) I still resent the fact that you're younger than I am!
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

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  18. I never thought of it before, but with all the different, often shocking, fashion trends over the years, mismatched shoes has never been one of them.

    Victorian women wore occupied bird cages in their hair. Tribal Africans stretch their body parts to disgusting proportions with wooden weights and bands. In jr. high I wore spandex shorts beneath micro-miniskirts. Yet our footwear is always symmetrical.

    Weird.

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Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.