I am so a fuckin trendsetter you ignorant douche that questioned why I wore one black shoe and one brown!!

Okay I um… accidentally wore 2 different colored shoes to work. It was cloudy this morning therefore my house was pitch black (or brown I obviously can’t tell the difference) and my electrician husband doesn’t believe in having working lights in our house. I kid I kid. His logic is that if he can’t afford, AT THIS VERY MOMENT, the expensive 5 million dollar designer lights, then we shall just walk around bumping into furniture and –ahem– wearing the same style shoes in different colors.

Of course, being unable to see is not always my excuse. One time I wore two different styles of shoes to Nancy’s ultrasound both black but one was lace up and the other was a slip on. Another time I wore one red sandal and one brown one but my sister stopped me at the door before I left for work and questioned my sanity.

Now that I think about it, maybe I shouldn’t be sharing these humiliating errors. Or maybe I should stop buying the same style of shoes in different colors?

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My first day back at work after 4 days off was as shitacular as all Mondays are proving to be.

I turned in my Authorization Note which said something like ‘without my driver’s license I cannot buy the liquor I so desperately need to ♫☼♪ forget all my troubles and go DOWNTOWN♫☼♪’ Glynda laughed her head off but Milton made this face:



I then removed 5 million charts from my chair and put up a *do not resuscitate* sign on my desk.
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Speaking of signs, I found this one on NCS’ blog and I had to steal it! I went to her blog, snuck up on it from the side (they never expect you to sneak up on the side, they always expect an attack from the front and the back but never the side) (I’m the exception. I expect attacks from the front, back sides, top, bottom, crisscross… I’m always prepared so don’t even TRY it!) clicked on it, saved it and posted it here.

Danger. Do Not Touch. Not only will this kill you, it will hurt the whole time you're dying.

It’s perfect! Everything I’ve always wanted to say about myself in 3 short sentences. Add to it that I’m also always grimacing and we’re set to move on with our lives.

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Here is a special Happy Birthday wish to my friend the great Elastic Woman.

Some theories on why she was born in a snow storm.

-She was hot even back then so they needed to bring down the temp in the hospital.
-She arrived in a flaming space vessel along with another dude who got all the attention just because he was made of steel or something and could see through clothes and jumped over tall buildings because he was a manic moron. They never told you about her super powers.

She is able to cook in a far away place and leave you wishing you could eat your computer screen. She can single handedly make you laugh at euphemisms you thought only existed in other worlds. She can shake you loose from bad moods and slap them across the face while they’re exiting your body with a warning never to return.

She can give birth at home then cook a mean dewberry cobbler concoction WITH REAL DEWBERRIES!

Most importantly of all, she has great taste in friends...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELASTIC... AND MANY MORE!!!

P.S.

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