I don’t want to be rude and say “Fuck you, you piece of shit!” before explaining why I am so unbelievably aggravated with you and hoping you'll change.
You are my favorite brand of water because you taste less like chemicals and more like nothing. That’s right NOTHING. I like that in my water.
I’ve had the pleasure of drinking you for years now and you’ve always quenched my thirst.
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HOWEVER!
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It would be nice to be able to open the damn bottle without having to use my teeth!
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Last year, your dumbass parent company, redesigned your container to make those of us with opposable thumbs, unable to grip you properly and make the twisting motion. It has nothing to do with my new state of disability, you know, my almost amputated shoulder? I was having difficulties before I was diagnosed with rusty-old-shoulder syndrome.
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Last year, your dumbass parent company, redesigned your container to make those of us with opposable thumbs, unable to grip you properly and make the twisting motion. It has nothing to do with my new state of disability, you know, my almost amputated shoulder? I was having difficulties before I was diagnosed with rusty-old-shoulder syndrome.
I beg you now to go to the numb-nuts that designed your bottle and throw yourself at their mercy. Ask them to take pity on the proud women who do not like to ask the men in their lives to open a bottle for them thereby confirming what they believe, that we're poor helpless females.
Let them know my dentist charges too much money for teeth transplants so that would be out of the question.
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Since it hurts to open you, I wait until my tongue is rattling around in my mouth and I'm seeing mirages of camels playing tag on the hot sand. If I keep dehydrating myself, my tongue will soon be turned into wood and fall out of my mouth leaving me unable to speak. My enemies would revel at this fact but my Andy would be very upset.
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I write to you directly instead of filing a formal complaint with the Better Business Bureau because they might just file my complaint under *That nutso is at it again*. Please please please help me out here! I would hate to turn to ::gasp:: Ice Mountain.
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Since it hurts to open you, I wait until my tongue is rattling around in my mouth and I'm seeing mirages of camels playing tag on the hot sand. If I keep dehydrating myself, my tongue will soon be turned into wood and fall out of my mouth leaving me unable to speak. My enemies would revel at this fact but my Andy would be very upset.
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I write to you directly instead of filing a formal complaint with the Better Business Bureau because they might just file my complaint under *That nutso is at it again*. Please please please help me out here! I would hate to turn to ::gasp:: Ice Mountain.
Any assitance you can provide will be appreciated!
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P.S.
If anybody tells me Dasani is tap water. I know it! But it's tap water that doesn't TATSE like tap water! It taste liek NOTHING.
Please save my sanity by clicking on Humor-Blogs, thanks!
Bee,
ReplyDeleteI had the same problem. I now use a Plastic bottle opener like the ones you would use for hard to open pickle bottles.
Mom R.
Deer Park pulled that same crap with the tops and I almost lost my thumbs trying to get that shit opened!
ReplyDeleteI keep a pair of rubber dish gloves nonchalantly draped over the side of my kitchen sink. Not only does this make it look like I actually wash dishes, they are unparalleled bottle openers.
ReplyDeletedon't let the basturds get you down.
ReplyDeletewhat is the point of water if you can taste it?
I absolutely will drink nothing but Dasani. My smart-ass husband keep reminding me how it's so NOT spring water. I say, if the Dasani people are smart enough to create chemicals that trick my taste buds and brain, good for them.
ReplyDeleteThis happened to me yesterday as I was trying to open my delicious nectar of life, Diet Mountain Dew.
ReplyDeleteWell, trying to open. That damn bottle cap was on there with glue. Or so it seemed. I should probably start drinking more water to build my muscles. Except it would have to be tap water. Blech. Thus, I'll keep having to attack my Dew.
Simply use a sharp needle from your handbag to make two holes in the top...
ReplyDeleteI'm gonna flag this one as user error because MY Dasani bottles are always easy cheazy to open.
ReplyDeleteMom R:
ReplyDeleteI'm going to have to get something like that for my office... :o{
Alice:
Maybe we can sue for unnesesary roughness?
Marie:
I had never thought to use rubber gloves! Thanks!
jean knee:
Yup! If I can tatse it, I'm not liking it!
Sue:
Spring shming! Bears pee in springs!
FADKOG:
I don't drink much soda, water is my thing and an occasional beer. I haven't been drinking enough water lately because of the gaddang bottles and now my kidney's are bitchin'!
(Not the good kind of Bitchin'!)
Brian:
Umm... I don't carry needles in my handbag. What kinda girls have you been hanging with??
Sornie:
You're a dude but us ladies have more soft hands with no callouses to force the top open. The other lid used to have grooves and these new ones have no grooves. They're grooveless!
Maybe they should ask Stella how she got her's back.
You know, I don't know how the hell old people open ANYTHING these days! I am just lucky that I have a husband and two teenage sons to open all my stuff, without them I would starve to death or die of thirst. :/
ReplyDeleteWell, sounds to me like you'll need to mix a little milk in with your choice of liquids...
ReplyDeleteAfterall, it promotes healthy teeth, which sounds like you're using!
I have finally become a loser. After watching an episode of The Hills, where they were drinking bottled water that had this huge silver cap on top, fancy water as we hillbillies call them, I saw some at a store and bought a bottle. I think it was like three dollars more than the regular bottled water that I drink. And it tasted exactly the same. Or worse.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand why these people have to make something that's already good and try to make it better but it only makes it worse. We should protest.
My chice of bottled water is "Aquafina" (Pepsi product). After testing several brands of bottled water (with some kind of water testing drops), Aquafina's results were the purest of them all (Dasani included). Sometimes Dasani tastes like plastic to me...
ReplyDeleteOffended:
ReplyDeleteI bought a bottle of arthritis medicine... uh not for me for my uh dogs *ahem* and I had to switch the pills to another container because it was impossible to open!
Slick:
Milk ::blech:: I'm gonna start carrying canteens!
Tracy:
I tried Fiji water and didn't like it also because somebody famous was drinking it. I think we've all been there! ;o)
Crazy Ez:
The purity is not what matters to me, it's the taste. I've tried them all but my fave is Dasani. Evian is a close second.
I did have a few that tasted like plastic, maybe they were out in the sun?
You are so right! It's the best water and IMPOSSIBLE to open! I sometimes buy inferior water for the sole reason that I can open the bottles!
ReplyDeleteI agree, Dasani is my favorite water too. There's a place near my house that bottles Aquafina. There's a hose they string across the road and I swear it's where their water comes from. Bleck! Arrowhead tastes like spit. I don't know what they do to Dasani, but I do think it's the best.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with you. And everyone that I know has the same problem. And I refuse to keep a pair of rubber gloves in my desk at work just to open their bottles!
ReplyDeleteI keep buying Dasani because, I too, think it's the best, but I'm almost to the point of stopping, JUST BECAUSE OF THE STUPID BOTTLE CAP!
And by the way, I emailed the company and the email that I got back said that they appreciated my comment, but that they needed more information. They wanted: which "flavor" I purchsed, the oz. bottle that that bought, the number of bottles in my package, the serial number of the product, the UPC code, the chain where it was purchased, the address and phone number of the store where it was purchased, the state where it was purchased, etc., etc., etc., etc.
Their email went on and on with a list of about 15 specific things I needed to send them.
PLEASE. I trashed the email and forgot about it.
As you said....they are just a bunch of num-nuts. I think they did it to save a few pennies per bottle and could care less who buys it. After all, they are the Coca-Cola Company!
I have to agree with you. And everyone that I know has the same problem. And I refuse to keep a pair of rubber gloves in my desk at work just to open their bottles!
ReplyDeleteI keep buying Dasani because, I too, think it's the best, but I'm almost to the point of stopping, JUST BECAUSE OF THE STUPID BOTTLE CAP!
And by the way, I emailed the company and the email that I got back said that they appreciated my comment, but that they needed more information. They wanted: which "flavor" I purchsed, the oz. bottle that that bought, the number of bottles in my package, the serial number of the product, the UPC code, the chain where it was purchased, the address and phone number of the store where it was purchased, the state where it was purchased, etc., etc., etc., etc.
Their email went on and on with a list of about 15 specific things I needed to send them.
PLEASE. I trashed the email and forgot about it.
As you said....they are just a bunch of num-nuts. I think they did it to save a few pennies per bottle and could care less who buys it. After all, they are the Coca-Cola Company!