Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Speed. The dangers of the elderly pushing their geriatric hips to their limit.

You know what cracks me up? (Besides monkeys dressed as people I mean, but I'm sure that makes everybody laugh.

Ha ha Ha!! See? Funny! An-y-way! Back to things that crack me up.)
People who walk AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT in an office environment.

Our office is a decent size with a big reception/waiting room area, 8 exam rooms, then there are the physicians’ offices plus 2 chart rooms, kitchen and a bathroom (I’ve never talked about THAT bathroom because I hardly use it and prefer to go out to the one in the main lobby. Why? you ask, because I went in to use it once and one of the doctors hadn’t flushed which made me gag and… blech!) are towards the back.

You with me? My point here is that no matter how big the office is, you do not need to be rushing about the place like you’re trying to win the 100 yard dash and the prize is a shiny new nickel.

If I have to plaster myself to the wall and then fix my hair after you’ve sped by me, leaving a weird back draft of wind, well, you need to adjust your meds.

AND! If you think I’m going to move my butt faster just because you’re on my heels? The exact OPPOSITE will happen. All of a sudden I’ll be looking for hidden images on the walls or the carpet or the ceiling “ooh! look at that! It looks just like Ghostface from Scream!!”

All in all, this is my way of telling you “Slow the hell down Speedy Gonzalez!”

The 3 feet you walk to the copy machine will not burn 20 pounds of fat off your body. It just won't.

There are no emergencies in our office, except that one time Scarecrow started pushing a wheelchair before the patient had a chance to place his feet on the foot holder things.
No emergencies = no need to power walk with your ass up in the air. Unless that's your signature walk, in that case you have other issues.

Okay, so it doesn’t so much crack me up as make me want to beat somebody with the corner of an iron desk. Just another thing I guess.
Do you remember this post? Where I wanted people to stop calling me the mother of my dogs?

Now we're on the flip side.

Anonymous dummy:
"What are you getting Andy for Father's Day?"

Fed Up Cool Girl:
"If Andy is a dad, I'm getting him a coffin"

Anonymous dummy #2:
"No silly, from the dogs."

Still fed up cool girl:
"Why do you insist on making these bestiality accusations? My Andy would never get it on with a dog!"

Hopefully word will travel and people will stop their fuckin' questions!

You know where there are allot of quick walking motherfathers? Humor-Blogs.

On a completely different subject, this here message is for NCS. Her B-Day is 5/28/08. if you're not NCS, don't read it okay? It's secrety and private.

Feliz Cumpleaños Chica Feliz!!! Mucho gusto en conocerte!

How does one become addicted to Orbit Mojito flavor gum?? I nearly ripped my desk drawer out when I couldn't find the last piece of gum I had left.

I had to stand back, take a few deep breaths and remind myself gum was NOT worth dying for, coffee on the other hand...

Stay tuned for my next post where the curse of the laundromat continues. It's a doozy!


  1. I'm frequently accused of walking quickly, though not in the office. I think it's got something to do with stride - taller people get further with each step. And also impatience with the whole travel thing - people just want to get to their destination, which is why drivers speed.

    Never mind the dogs, what are the fish getting Andy?

  2. HEY!!! I should be first!
    It's MY birthday Brian!


    my birthday.

  3. So anyway, baclk to you dear Bee.

    The "weird back draft of wind".
    ITA! I hate "the wind". I hold my breath during "the wind" event.

    The scarier the people the longer I have to hold my breath.

    The Wind kills!

  4. I like your bookshelf. I'm going to have to copy it.

    What is Wizard World?
    See? This is why I should not go out of town. I'm way behind.

  5. Is that mojito gum thing serious?! Will be investigating.

    And tell Andy that I said, "Happy Father's Day...*ruff*ruff*"

    I figure it's fair and all since I did it to you. ; )

  6. You know if they go under 50 MPH, they'll explode! Plus, if you catch a draft offa them, you could make better time and save on gas.

    Or so I've heard. Yesterday, one of the managers was on my ass, trying to push me out of the fast lane because I was gawking and resigning myself to another day while making my way back to the break room. I swear my hair was flapping because I could feel him breathing down my neck.

  7. I think Brian just called you short.

    I meander around, I'm not fast at anything

    that's the way it should be

    yeah I know meander isn't the right word, so

  8. I think Brian just called you short.

    I meander around, I'm not fast at anything

    that's the way it should be

    yeah I know meander isn't the right word, so

  9. I think usually when people walk like that they're just trying to look busy. The key to looking busy is in balance though. You have to walk tall and keep your eyes ten degrees above the horizon and walk briskly, but not too fast. Fast and brisk are not the same thing. It also helps to carry a file folder or clipboard.

  10. How do you be so funny? Shiny new nickel? Who comes up with that? And "beat somebody with the corner of an iron desk?" And posting a private message, asking everyone not to read it! You are a crazy motherfucker! And I love it! :)

    (Oh wait. Sorry. You're not a motherfucker. You're not even a fatherfucker. My mistake. Tell the dogs that I'm sorry.)

  11. While I don't have geriatric hips, I definitely do walk with purpose in the office. It avoids inter-department muggings because EVERYONE wants my jump drive.

  12. That was funny. Sornie made me laugh.

  13. I had a doctors appointment the other day and when the nurse called me back she speedwalked so fast that I lost her. She finally came back and found me and then speedwalked on up ahead again. Why do they feel they have to do that?

    I love the monkey picture. And you're right, you can't look at a monkey dressed in people clothes and not laugh. It made me giggle.

    Oh and I have to confess, I read your private message. It didn't make any sense to me though.

  14. Put some speed bumps in the office.

  15. When I still bothered to actually go to work we had a guy that wore inline skates all day long and skated around from meeting to meeting, cubicle to cubicle. Now just wait until I show up back in a work environment with my turbo charged segway!!!

  16. Brian:
    I can understand tall people walking fast but the bats are only a few inches taller than I am.
    The fish are mad at Andy since he recently killed Krusty the Clown fish II. They'd sooner poison him than get him a gift.

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY NCS!! Since he didn't claim FIRTS you are First! ;op

    They are always killing me with their wind!

    Wizard World is a comic book convention. I'm making sure Andy goes this year since he missed the last 2.

    And the mojito is GOOOOOOD!

    What is the rush man?? Work will still be there right?

    jean knee:
    Brian doesn't know it but I'm a giant amongst women! ;o)

    I do the mad shuffling of papers and look annoyed. I learned that from Seinfeld. :o)

    Thank you! I'm honored!!

    Hey man! Do whatever you gotta do to keep people from jumping you!

    It was funny!

    Maybe it's their hospital training?? I dunno.

    Great Idea!!!
    Maybe I'll use staples.

    Be careful or they'll jump you too!


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.