I was whining about the fact that I can't seem to lose weight (too much good food out there) when Milton (female) asked, "When do you weigh yourself?" I said first thing in the morning.
Then I was walked down a road I hadn't known existed and frankly would have been happy ending my life without being made aware of it.
Milton:
I weigh myself naked first thing in the morning then again after my bowel movement then again after I take a shower. It usually gives me a varying weight of about 2 pounds.
… … … … …
When I picked myself off the floor, I noticed a bump on my head. Sadly, it didn't make me forget what I had just learned.
♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•♠♠•
You know how I'm always saying rainbows and butterflies follow me around wherever I go? Check this perfect rainbow inside my house.
You will never doubt me again, will you?
I decided not to live blog my birthday. I'm going to have a busy day and not even I can type so many swear words that quickly.
I have one favor to ask. It's little, minuscule, wee!
Click on the box below to vote for your favorite blogger. (ME!) See? I'm cheap! In case you are looking for me, I am in the *Personal Life* category.
Men, I leave you with Heidi Klum. (Just want you to know I felt a little dirty watching that video.)(then I got up and ate some cake)(which explains why I can't lose weight)
humor-blogs
Good Lord, I never want to hear the word 'bowel,' 'bowl' (the dish), or 'bowl' (the game) from anyone I work with! I don't even want to speak of such things with family members! You are a brave woman.
ReplyDeleteWord up!
ReplyDeleteFIRST!!!
and
SECOND!!
Third!!
ReplyDeleteThe Heidi Klum video was very good of you, thanks.
& I'm not sure I'd take weight advice from someone who takes a 2 pound dump every morning.
Just a thought ;-)
(By my reckoning, that's about half a bowelful. But ... I haven't weighed a turd in so long)
Thankyou SO MUCH for sharing that...
ReplyDeleteHAPPY BIRTHDAY BEE!!!!!!
I wear a bra and panties too when I play Guitar Hero...
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday, Bee! And yes, there are some things that I don't want to know about my coworkers.
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday, Bee!
ReplyDeleteWithout having ever laid eyes on Milton, that post still made my skin crawl. I bet he thinks his sh*t doesn't stink.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUUUU
ReplyDeleteHAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUUUU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR BEEEEEEEEEEE
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!!!!
And many more!!!!!
Happy Birthday Bee!
ReplyDeleteseriously, what do you think is wrong with Milton
Dear Bee,
ReplyDeleteWHY HAVEN'T Y0U BEEN OVER TO MY PLACE?
Just curious because there's nothing there or anything about you.....
Also, I must apologize because something totally awesome is on it's way to you and I tried to time it so you would get it on your birthday but then my husband says "You know the mail doesn't run on Veterans Day right?"
So, come over to my place and read this entire story again and
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Shoot!
ReplyDeleteJean Knee! I have more to say but not enough for all of these odd comments!
Oh, I just noticed that I'm
ELEVENTH!!!
Ok, so here's what I was going to say earlier..
ReplyDeleteAll that stuff that Milton does just for two pounds is exactly why I don't weigh myself ever!
Even when I go to the Dr.s office and they say "Ok, get on up on the scale and lets see how much you weigh" I just stand there, feet rooted firmly on the unscaled ground and say "No Thank You."
Then if they ask you how much you weighed the last time you were weighed, I throw out "136" and leave it at that.
We both know it's a lie but we also know that's all we're getting out of me!
Happy Birthday Bee!
ReplyDeleteOne year older, and still as fertile as ever! *evil grin*
There are so many things about co-workers that we don't want to know, and yet are forced to endure.
Mybe next time he offers some kind of tidbit like that, you can come up with something like
"I used to try that, but I've found that it's much better to weigh myself after sex.. The sweat, the gunk, and everything just sluices right out after my shower, and I seem to lose like 5 or so pounds"
See how many more times he'll offer you advice like that again!
Happy Birthday!! Have all the cake you want, you deserve it! :D
ReplyDeleteoh no. milton. please. keep it to yourself. hahahhahahah!!!! happy birthday!!!
ReplyDeleteand i voted :)
ReplyDeletehappy birthday! i voted.
ReplyDeleteyou should tell witchypoo about your rainbows.
Bee, I voted for ya and shit, are you ever out in front!!
ReplyDeleteWill you still visit my humble blog after you're all famous and such? :)
Happy Birthday!!!
ReplyDeleteThat conversation would have sent me screaming like a banshee...
LMAO I'm guessin' Milton has never heard TMI dude, TMI!
ReplyDeleteYou shameless, clever hussy with the whole "Humor Blogger Of The Year" award. Sheesh, before I knew what I was doin' I voted for you -- dammit! :)
Happy Birthday!!!!!
luv ya
How much fiber does that Milton person eat... I hope there's a plunger handy in that bathroom. Be thankful Milton hasn't been to your house.
ReplyDeletefeliz cumpleños pequña bee! ‡oÐ
ReplyDeleteand many more!! what time do i come over for cake?
why is it that i dont have a problem talking about taking a dump with my friends but your milton story makes me want to puke? she has no boundaries none!!
ReplyDeleteHopefully Milton never combines the shower with his bowel movement.
ReplyDeleteOkay, I did laugh but gross!!
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday Bee! Glad your parents had sex so you could be conceived to amuse us!
Happy Birthday Bee!!
ReplyDeleteI have no inhibitions about discussing anything whatsoever with my coworkers. While at work I frequently discuss, in a rather loud voice, everything from the most reverent to the most tactless. Potty humor, sex, politics and religion -- its all fair game for boisterous office banter as far as I'm concerned. My boss frequently feels the need to scold me for my, in his words, "unprofessional, loud workplace behavior".
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately I work for myself, alone, at home.
Yes, I know I need help.
First Happy Birthday, second cool post. Third, I'm not sure I should be here at all (first visit) with people who weigh their dumps, albeit a long time ago.
ReplyDeleteThinks....
AV
http://netherregionoftheearthii.blogspot.com/
http://tomusarcanum.blogspot.com/
I would have had trouble not punching her for the image. If I were another lady, of course...
ReplyDeleteHAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME LAUGH SO MUCH!!
ReplyDeletebee...this is my first visit to your blog (found you from the professor)...Happy Birthday!
ReplyDeleteYou are a riot, I'll be back to read you later!
~AirmanMom returning to her blog...
Goodness...that is definitely TMI from just about anyone, but especially coworkers.
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday! I will eat cake all day in your honor.
good grief 'milton' needs to become a cartoon character because thats how i picture her...
ReplyDeletesorry bout the bump your hayuuud
;-)
I am off to vote for my very favorite BEE!
Happy B day!!!
ReplyDeleteBee,
ReplyDeleteI wanted to pop in and thank you for agreeing to sign my endometriosis awareness petition! I really appreciate your support! Anyone wishing to create awareness about endo can sign.
http://www.gopetition.com/petitions/endometriosis-awareness-understanding/signatures.html
Thank you!!
Jeanne