Thursday, May 22, 2008

The mystery of the missing BIG sausage. + Milton the tyrannical staple dictator. (Like Tales from the Crypt... only scarier!)

Time: 8:45

Bee walks into the kitchen for some coffee and almost collides with a very upset Cowardly Lion.

CL:
I had a big sausage in the fridge, do you know who took it?


Queen of Sausages

Bee:
Nope. My alibi is that I don’t like big sausage. Or even little sausage.

CL:
I was going to cut it up and put it out today as a treat! Now it’s gone! How can a big sausage disappear???

[I snort but decide to mind my own. Getting involved always backfires]

CL:
I left it right here! [points somewhere towards space] Behind the cheese!

Bee: [serious face]
So, to recap, you brought a big sausage so you could cut it up. You placed the big sausage behind the cheese and now that big sausage has disappeared?

CL:
Do you think this is funny? I have no sausage now!

Bee:
Yes, I think it’s funny. I also thank the lord the cheese is still there!
.
Don’t worry you guys, the sausage was later found. It turns out somebody moved it to fit some sort of mushroom salad. To recap again, at one time, in the mini fridge, there was a big sausage, cheese and fungus. I lost my appetite.
.
I did have some crackers, those were safe from all controversy.
.
Scene Two:



I spoke to a patient yesterday (because he was stupid and selected the wrong extension) who wanted to confirm his appointment. When he came in today, he mentioned it to CL (receptionist) and had a couple of questions so he wanted to speak to me again but he couldn't remember my name.

Patient:
I spoke to someone yesterday with an unusual name but I don’t remember it.

CL: [I’m using fake names but they are comparable to the real names]
Was it Mary?

Patient:
No, more exotic. [? exotic??]

CL:
Was it Mandy?

Patient:
No, more unusual.

CL:
Jan?
.
I got tired of this game of ‘name 20 knuckleheads’ so I went up there.
.
Patient:
Oh right! BIANCA!

I wouldn't say my name is as unusual as it was some time ago but it is more uncommon than all the peeps that work at the Asylum. Goes to show CL's uh... intelligence?
.
And the curtain closer:

I have a mini tiny teeny little stapler. This means that the regular sized strip of staples won’t fit in it so I have to break a piece and put that in my stapler. But! Sometimes I misjudge the piece and have to remove a staple or two in order for it to fit.

Guess who caught me throwing out an unstapled staple?

I had no idea Milton was watching me as I loaded my stapler but when she saw me fling the lone staple into the garbage can…

Milton:
How many of those do you throw out?

Bee:
::sigh:: Not allot. Sometimes I judge it right and don’t throw any out.

Milton:
Have you thought about saving them and maybe using them once you’ve used up a few staples?

Bee:
Honestly, I don’t care enough.

Milton:
Would you mind saving them for me and I’ll use them?

Bee:
I do mind because I already have too many things on my mind.

Milton:
This is a perfect example of our wasteful society—

Bee:
Tell you what. Every time I’m out of staples, I’ll ring a bell for you to come running and reload it for me. While you’re doing that, I’ll take a walk around the block and pick up all the litter. Then I’ll separate it and recycle it on the roof while I’m planting trees in the abandoned lot. Does this sound reasonable to you? This way, I can do my part in helping society change it's wasteful ways!

Milton:
...

I win.
.

Have a great weekend people! Andy and I are taking the niece to the Chicago Botanic Gardens and I'll be so overwhelmed with the need to replicate their gardens, I'll probably have my nose stuck in plants and flowers the whole holiday weekend! How's about you click on Humor-Blogs for me? I'll make ya' famous!

20 comments:

  1. I'm so glad to know that the old ladies in your office still get around enough to play 'Hide The Sausage' every once in awhile.

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  2. I'm not into sausage either. Or seafood for that matter.

    When you put the leftover staples in, they clog the stapler. Don't do it!

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  3. I can't decide if the sausage or staple story was f***in funnier! Good grief - a freakin' staple people! Who are you working with?

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  4. I agree with Marie, they do clog up the stapler. Don't kill your cute teeny tiny stapler just to make one of the bats happy Bee! Don't do it!

    Have fun at the gardens! Are you allowed to take pictures there? I've never been to one, just wondered what it looked like. Take pictures if you can!

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  5. If I were you, I'd get my own fridge...

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  6. Since these unused staples are liable to clog the stapler, and since Milton wants them, I think you should definitely save them for her.

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  7. It's not so much the size of the sausage as what you can do with it, and if you can lose it in a mini fridge, then the ego on that hunk o' meat must be gigantic!

    Enjoy your weekend!

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  8. Love the sausage story!

    Email me your address. I'm sending you some mini staples.

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  9. lol...lol

    It's a mini fridge right? How can she not find it in a mini fridge??? Wait.. Stupid question...

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  10. I felt a shiver of pleasure thinking how you will save a staple to save the planet

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  11. Why are you so mean? Milton wasn't asking you to do anything unreasonable.
    I would have said sure, no problem.

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  12. I would like to state for the record, that this post left me shocked.

    If someone at my work said they had misplaced their sausage, some sexual innuendo would certainly have followed.

    You could at least put your mind in the gutter. :)

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  13. Have a great weekend and let me know if there's a Cusack siting.

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  14. Aroogoogoola:
    Heck yeah, they hide it, they smoke it, they eat it. ;o)

    Marie:
    You and me? We think the same! I once tried putting 3 staples in one and it took me longer to unclog it than it would have to just get a fresh strip.

    Alice:
    I work with a bunch of old cobwebby bats! :o)
    Think of me when you're having a big sausage. Or not.

    Tracy:
    My motto is "No bats will be happy here as long as I'm still a spring chicken!!"

    Hopefully I'll have good pictures.

    Brian:
    I should ask for donations. :o)
    I'll fling the staples at her.

    FADKOG:
    I don't know.
    I think that's an old wives tale invented by men. :o)

    CT:
    To know a sausage is to love a sausage. ;o)
    Are you for reals on the mini staples?? :o)

    Nancy:
    She didn't bother looking on any shelf other than the one she place the Big Sausage. You know how they role! :o)

    jean knee:
    You and me together? We're gonna single handedly save the planet!!

    Dan:
    Dan, Dan, Dan! What will be next? She'll monitor the amount of toilet paper I use?
    Remember what I said, if you feel sorry for them, it stops being funny! Dumbass! >:o[

    Jinksy:
    My mind was in the gutter. That's why I decided to tell the story of the Big Sausage getting lost in the cheese because of fungus. Also, I don't throw gutter balls at them anymore. They don't get it cuz they're old.

    Meg:
    Will do! :o)

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  15. jinksy makes a fine point. i loved the sausage story but i was waiting for some dirty jokes. the cheese thing was hilarious.

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  16. I skimmed this quickly, I admit, and had to reread the part about the sausage, because I thought it was between you and your husband. It sounds like something my wife and I would argue about...except it's the remote most of the time...usually she says I can't find my a** with two hands, although I usually show her that yes, I can.

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  17. I love the stapler story. You're polluting the planet with your unused staples!

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  18. Missing sausage, leftover staples? Too funny!

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  19. "I was going to cut it up and put it out today as a treat!"
    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! you are killing me Bee.

    Milton: I expected nothing less from her.
    Clap clap clap!

    ReplyDelete

Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.