Monday, July 30, 2007

Marriage Pains Part Deux!

For everybody that is or has been in relationships we all know it's a 50-50 partnership (it should be anyway). You both have to make concessions and compromises on a daily basis. Sometimes it's not easy (especially if you're married to an extremely opinionated, yet always right, person... don't look at me!) because it might be that your personalities are polar opposites or if someone in the relationship likes to over-react to the little things in everyday life.
You can deal with these issues many ways.

a) Burn partners collectible items. (nah, that's to psycho-ish, besides they could be worth something in the future that could buy you more shoes, uhh... if you're into shoes cuz we are not talking about me of course.)

b) Secretly disconnect computer wires so that when they turn it on and something doesn't work, they stand there and scratch their head in confusion. (hmmmm...)

c) Hide one shoe of every pair they own. (even the slippers...?)

d) Write about it in your blog.

I'll take (d) thank you very much! :o)
Yuahahaha! [fan of the cackle!]

Okay, I'm going to make a list of things to do or not do so that you may have harmony in your relationships. These will guarantee to make your partner happy and not go APE SHIT over stupid stuff.

1- Do not, under any circumstances, run out of propane/gas/charcoal for your grill because then you'll be blamed for him/her not being able to eat his/her burger RIGHT NOW!
Never mind that when you were cooking them earlier you let him/her know they were ready but he/she said they would eat later. How could you not have known that once you tried to turn it on again you would make this gruesome discovery! Yes, I know you offered to cook them inside on a skillet and it took you the same amount of time than it would have on the grill but you were just being too damned insensitive to his/her hunger. And that comment you made 'How is it my fault that we ran out, whadda think I sucked the propane outta the hose myself?!' That, little missy, was uncalled for! I mean... if it would have been me cuz it's not!

2-Don't let the cable company screw with the signal transmitting into the cable box and therefore disrupting transmission to the TV. Yes, I know there was a horrible thunder storm but it was the Season Finale of Lost so for Pete's Sake woman (umm... or man) why dontcha use your super abilities to monitor these types of activities? Never mind that you're also a huge fan and it was disappointing you too.

Along the same lines...

3- If the program he/she is watching freezes on the screen, find out how to fix it quick so that he/she doesn't lose a single second of the opening credits to the crappy movie...uh... awesome movie he/she is watching. Your suggestion to turn off the cable box or change the channel and come back to it is unacceptable! It is, after all, your fault that it froze in the first place!

4-Make sure you keep an eye on your pets AT ALL TIMES so that they won't shred his/her comic books that are on the last shelf with easy access to one Tasmanian devil and one walking barking paper shredder. Yes, I know you've told him/her multiple times to move said comic books to at least the second shelf that is 4 feet off the floor so that these fuzzy cuddly creatures cannot reach them. Unless of course they're part kangaroo cuz kangaroos can hop really high (more than 4 feet I'm sure).

5-Make sure you have pens on every possible flat surface of your house in case he/she needs a pen RIGHT NOW. I mean, come on, how could you have moved it? Never mind that he/she is the one who writes the checks/grocery list. It is your wifely...er, or husbandly... duty to know where one is at all times!

6- DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, tell him/her to turn on this or that street. Heaven forbid there happens to be traffic that day! It'll be your fault for calling everybody in Chicago (or umm whatever city/town/municipality/farm you're from) and asking them to drive down this street at this exact time!

7- Make sure you taste his/her food before they do! Then they won't burn themselves in surprise causing them to shoot you an accusatory glare as if to say 'why the hell didn't you tell me it was hot?!'. Yes I know the first clue would have been the steam, a clue which even a toddler could decipher but... like all world leaders he/she deserves to have their own personal taste tester, why else would they have married you?

8- His computer is his computer. If you use it once to look up a movie time then 10 days later it crashes, well then you must have done something! Maybe it was a virus that took TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY HOURS to manifest itself. How would you know this can't happen? Do you work for Geek Squad? No? Well then it must have been you.

I'm sure there tons more but this is all I could come up with for now. Yes, I know HE/SHE have their own issues but until they start a blog... Phuket! (this is not a swear word)
Please let me know if you have any suggestions to add to this list. It's always fun to find people that share the same issues with their spouses/significant others.

12 comments:

  1. How about:

    "Don't laugh to hard if at a movie theater is funny"

    I think my spouse was a bit uncomfortable with me cracking up nice and loud during Chuck and Larry.

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  2. OMGROFLMAO!!!

    I sat here laughing soooo hard! I swear you've been driving by my house and watching the inner going on's!!!

    Especially Number 7. I always just want to scream: HELLO!! You were standing right THERE when I took it out of oven/microwave/stove top/grill! Why wouldn't it be hot?? It's cooked you MORON!

    Thank you for this perfectly wonderful post!

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  3. As a man you must be careful about being too honest:

    AVOID statements such as "But you've already got 4 of those you don't wear, and we're broke" (just be grateful they abolished debtor's prisons).

    If she comes back from the hairdressers with psychadelic hair as the result of a bad reaction between blonde hair-dye and henna DO NOT:

    (a) Laugh hysterically.
    (b) Suggest that THEY should have paid HER that extortionate amount of money to walk round like that.

    I'm still not sure why she divorced me...

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  4. I prefer the passive-aggressive approach:

    1. "Forgetting" to mention the last time I withdrew money from the joint checking account or bought gasoline for the car.

    2. When warned (again) about leaving the seat up, I "accidentally" put the lid down.

    3. Rewinding a VHS tape immediately after watching it. (The tape is warm then and might stretch.)

    4. Not returning VHS tapes/DVDs to their assigned containers and shelves.

    5. Reading a book if the program on TV doesn't interest me.

    6. Leaning too far forward in the front passenger seat while she's drivng. (It blocks her view of the right-side mirror.)

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  5. While playing catch with his dog, make sure the dog doesn't return the frisbee to you instead of him.

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  6. Could you possibly be more right...I loved the "his/her" things all the way through..oh come on you know they were all HIM! Great post!

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  7. Nancy: Yup! How about asking a question at a movie even if it’s in a whisper… :o(

    Chris: I was hoping I wasn’t the only one! :o)

    brian: I’m guilty of the shoe thing… oops! :o) And I’ve been laughed at due too bad hair cuts! :o(
    RE: Divorce. Bet you’re happier! :o) (hope this is taken with humor because otherwise I’ll feel really guilty and will have to send you money form my non-existing shoe fund to wash away my guilt)

    duckman: (1) (4) (5) (7) apply to me…

    Gypsy Queen: How dare you take his dog’s love! :o)

    Mrs. Jo: Of course it’s all them, we’re perfect angels you know! :o)


    By the way ALL, I think Husband Andy is boycotting my blog so I haven’t gotten in trouble… yet. If you don’t hear (or see/read) from me in the near future call the FBI!

    Just kidding… (picture me mouthing the words no I’m not)

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  8. oh goodness.

    i'm worn out just reading all of that!

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  9. RE Humour: I only ever take what you say with deadly seriousness, as befits such a sober-minded blog...

    I accept paypal (add 10% if paying in dollars)...

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  10. lainey-painey:
    I know, weird. It's almost like I don't have a full time job! :o)

    brian:
    I'm a little short this month (wisenhimers: yes, I know I'm short in stature), would you accept payment in shoes??

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  11. I'lla giva Andy a good talking to.
    Dan

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  12. Don Dan:
    Thank you Godfather

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Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.