Friday, September 14, 2007

I'll Make You Jealous...

So there I am sitting at my desk looking out my window. The same window where people stare at me as if I were a crazy attraction in a bizarre zoo. Usually I give them a good show and I stick my tongue out at them and put my thumbs in my ears while I wiggle my fingers. Today is no different!

How was I to know my life would change so dramatically in a matter of seconds...

Suddenly I see a State Trooper pull up.
He comes into the office and shouts my name.

Did I hide my pot??? Of course!

Terrified, I walk to the waiting room and identify myself.
He's a nice looking guy so I don't mind too much when he frisks me.
He then tells me that he has a package for me which I need to open in his presence.
He hands me a plastic coffee can.


It was wrapped in tape and had been confiscated from a mail truck for being a suspicious package.

He told me to open it carefully and step away slowly once I did.
I do as I'm told since the big man has a big gun.

I gasp as I look inside...
Is that a baby?
Are those shells?
And a button?
And a domino?
In a box of matches?
A book marker?
With a little fan?
With a little clothes pin?
In a Ziploc bag?
In a coffee can?


I got this from my favorite stalker... my only stalker!
Are you jealous?
Would you like to send me something too?

Thank you stalker!
These items will be treasured forever inside my favorite voodoo doll!


  1. This is like Paycheck. Each of them will be necessary to get you out of a situation that is about to happen in the near future.

    Except that in Paycheck he had useful things like a lottery ticket so he could win millions. Perhaps that's what the domino's for.

    And you never know that baby'll be really useful when you come to save the world from the Mad Scientist bent on World Domination - It's not Oz is it? He's not got a cloning tank hidden on the premises somewhere? I'm guessing the baby will happen to have dropped on the floor at just the moment he's coming after you in his 4 inch stillettos, and it'll trip him up...

  2. I got stuff from my stalker too! But not in a coffee can because I'm a Mormon good girl. How would it look to the neighbors if they catch me lovingly fondling and caressing a coffee can?

    So, will your family be upset that they had to find out about you having a baby through your blog?

  3. And you hid your pot??!!!? WTF? A chamber pot is nothing to be ashamed of, Bee. We all have our bodily excretions.

  4. brian:
    Interesting, so I can use the button to say… fling it at someone’s eye so that I can get away? Okay then the clothes pin… to keep somebody’s mouth shut!
    The little fan is for when I get hot due to all the running I’m doing.

    Now I have to go into my meeting today picturing the man in 4 inch stilettos?! Thanks! :op

    ELBW: x2
    She. Sent. You. Something. Too!? :o{

    RE: Me having a baby…
    YIKES! Well at least this one I can put in a drawer when I have to go somewhere.

  5. You got strip searched without me?? The Outrage!!

    I've been on a hot date. 1:30)

    remember stalkees, you won a contest?? bee guessed my job and elastic's name was chosen randomly- it wasn't rigged. she'll probably win next time too, I'm just guessing here.

    that baby is an ancient fertility god from a mysterious tribe of people. Anyone who touches it will soon be knocked up. You didn't touch it bee, did you? elastic got one too and I bet she touched it bwaaaaa

  6. People!
    You might not see me around for a while because I have to go to the High Mountains of Chile to get this horrid fertility thing off of me!!!!!!!!

    Pray for me...

  7. just throw it in a can of hormel chili-that should work, of course if it doesn't...well..

  8. I'm going to be an uncle again !!!

  9. jean knee:
    look what you've started!!! :op

    Uh... only if you mean Nancy or Esmeralda...

  10. What? huh? Esmeralda......and Sergio......... when? WOW!!!!


  11. question please: i'm curious if you happened to mention to the nice big state trooper with a gun that it was only a gift from your stalker.
    and if so, can you please share his response.
    thanx, jai

  12. Sooooo, does Brian have a blog too?

    If not, this is for you, Brian. *blowing fresh mint kisses in the air* Thanks for the comments!

  13. M:

    Yes, I did tell him and he responded by asking if there was a waiting list to be my stalker. I think he wanted to sign up but i let him know the list is about to 2 miles long at the moment.

  14. ELBW:
    Are you trying to enrage jean knee?? :o)

    It seems you now have a fan club, maybe I should give you a section on my blog and we can call it "Brian Man of Mystery." or "Brian, Big Man on Campus" you can be Watson to my Sherlock! :o)

    HA! HA!

  15. quick thinking there on the pot.

  16. berta:
    It was close I was about to roll... uh, yeah thanks!


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.