Monday, September 29, 2008

Bee's Musings, it's not just for slow people anymore.

Here is something sad I hadn't thought about until yesterday. I am going to have to dye my hair all one color again! :o(

(okay, it doesn't look as red as it used to but it's still sad)

I don't want to go on an interview and have them wonder if a skunk on its period died on my head.

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I met with a flood specialist today to help us with our claim because it seems the word flood can be misinterpreted in many ways. For example, when I say "flood", I might mean "please give me a cup of tea" or "please come whack me with a 2x4 while stepping on my tongue".
My mistake in thinking it meant "a large amount of water that ruins pretty shoes"!

But I'm not bitter.

Anyway, this guy was very nice (I'd say he was cute too but with my luck, this will be the one post Andy reads and he'll chase me around the house with a wire cutter)(because he's violent like that) and gave me some great advice on home repair. He seemed sympathetic to our plight and I'm sure it helped that my mom was following us around, doing her best impersonation of the The Suffering Madonna! Just kidding. She's been great and has only complained about my disorganization and bad housekeeping about 1,471,945 times. I expected more so that's been a nice surprise.

I'm hoping things will workout otherwise I am going to do some serious insurance ass kicking via every medium available! TV, Radio, Billboards, Internet pop up ads that feature me jumping up and down screeching like a velociraraptor... you name it!

In other news, I put up my resume at a very prestigious medical billing group on Sunday and got a call today. Yeah, that's how kick ass my res is*. And every word is true. I did not embellish a single thing about me and my experience. I just rock that hard.

The lady seemed very interested until she asked if I was firm on what I wanted to get paid. I said 'yup definitely' cuz I need to be rewarded for being me, you know? That's when she told me that the yearly cap for that position is approximately what I make in 7 months but the benefits were fabulous! I had to say 'no' to her generous offer to slam me down a few rungs on the ladder.

Still, it gave me a nice little ego boost to know someone called me the day after I sent my resume.

Things at the Asylum are business as usual. Glynda squints at me and fake-smiles while I bare my teeth and give her a half grimace. That is my version of the Mexican Stand-Off(ice)-bitch.

Which reminds me, Glynda needs a new name. She can no longer be called the good witch. As always any suggestions you bring forth will be appreciated.

Speaking of rewarding me. I've received 2 cool awards and one cool song.
First, The FLy from After Dinner Mint said this song is all about yours truly. I have to say that I am easy on the ears and have a groovy beat! And the lyrics: "Making people scared will get you very far"... Thanks FLy!



Here's me dancing to my song.



Jenboglass from Steenky Bee (I LOVE THE NAME OF HER BLOG!) says she's hooked on the Musings. Thank you Jenboglass!


And last but not least! My favorite West Virgini-a-nite would like me to let the world know that my blog rocks! Thank you Tracy! And keep an extra bed of hay for me in your barn. :o)




Here I am all humble like and getting all these awards. It's a good thing they don't go to my head!


*Believe it or not, my resume was polished up by the one and only Brother Dan from Dan, The People's Blogger infamy.

Humor-Blogs

Sunday, September 28, 2008

I admit I like to watch some weird reality shows at the wee hours of the night while drooling on my shoulder.

So...
Some of you may know I have a bed time. It's 10:30 pm on a school night. I've bitched and moaned about it for years but it never changes and it just causes a ton of gentle, softly whispered disagreements.

Anyway, on Fridays and Saturdays, I can go to bed as late as I want (or until Andy gets tired of troll killing and gets sleepy)! Between you and me, I'm tired by 11:30 but I stay up because I'm a psychotic weirdo who refuses to admit she's tired. Between the hours of 12:00 and 2:00 am, I sit on the sofa with my head drooping to my shoulder and catch the best TV ever! THE BEST JERRY!


For some reason, I tune in to MTV and watch shows like MADE or TRUE LIFE or my new fave BUSTED! It's usually about underage drinking and driving or underage booze parties. The chick on this video was so upset that she was "pulled over" and given a citation since she wasn't DRIVING! She was walking! On the feet!


The quality of the video is bad since I don't have a new fangled gadget that transfers my recordings to my laptop. I don't think one has been invented so get on that will ya'? --I'm talking to the smart guy in the audience.--


video

I do feel bad for her since she was just walking and hungry so she wanted to go get food at the hungry store! Damn! Give the girl a break copper! She was trying to kill her buzz!


As for the next two videos, they were commercials on MTV while I was watching BUSTED! and they were announcing Hispanic Heritage month.

Here's the thing. I am not easily offended. It takes a hellavu lot for me to get really angry at something people say. Their actions are another matter but for the most part, I can laugh at almost anything.

What I'm trying to say is, I can't decided whether I'm offended or not. I definitely think these videos are funny but at the same time, I hope people that have not met a real life Hispanic person don't think these is how we are. I'm somewhat edumacated and can pronounce my 'Ys' with no problems.

Please click to see the videos (BRIAN!) because they are comical (I know this because I have been watching them over and over and laughing). You can see the rest of them at MTV Tr3s





On a job related note, I've sent my resume to a few places so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I'd like some advice from you.

When I get called for interviews, what should I say my reason for leaving is? I don't want to say "I work with a bunch of dumb fucks and need to escape before I become a space cadet that farts every time the lights flicker." I don't think that would make them want to hire me on the spot.

I would hire someone that gave me that as their reason but a serious company? Not so much.

I think that's it for tonight. Hasta la pasta chicos and may the wind blow the scent of old ladies away from you.

Humor-Blogs

Saturday, September 27, 2008

It's been a long time but FOFOAS are alive and well!

So ummm, would you like to see a little piece of my work hell? Maybe take a little peek? Maybe poke it with a stick? Maybe kick it in the NUTS!!??

Picture the scene.
Me sitting at my desk with my brand new hand brace thing which makes me look like a cool Michael Jackson (don't dispute my claim that I'm cooler than MJ please because I'm not going to let you), typing away, getting ready for my weekly meeting with OZ, whistling show tunes.


So cool!

Having prepared myself with my coffee IV, my newly sharpened pencil (for jabbing at my non IV arm) and my yellow legal pad for doodling little pictures of people before a firing squad.

Yeah, it seems like heaven on Earth, right? Don't be fooled though because the great mood is deceptive!

So there I am. Usual Friday self in nice clothes, face paint, hair all la-dee-da when Glynda walks in.

Glynda:
OZ wants you to go to Subway and gets his sandwich. [walks halfway out of the office]

Bee:
No.

Glynda: [comes back and puts her hands on her hips]
WHAT? DID YOU SAY 'NO'?

Bee: [lower lip jutted out like the naughty child I am]
I said 'no'.

Glynda:
But he wants a sandwich!

Bee:
Ask somebody else. I'm busy.

Glynda:
BUT HE WANTS HIS SANDWICH FROM SUBWAY!

Bee:
I understood the first time but I'm not going to get his sandwich anymore. Ask somebody else.

Glynda walks out. Comes back in. Turns around (dosey does) goes back out. Stalks back in.

Glynda:
I don't know what you're trying to pull but YOU need to go get his sandwich.

Bee:
No. I. Don't. If you'd like, I'll go tell him myself.

[stands there for a minute shocked, my phone rings, I pick it up and continue working so she leaves]

Comes back a few minutes later with a long list of accounts she wants me to bring in to meeting. Now, if you are not familiar with the way my meetings go I can understand you thinking it's no big deal.

BUT!

The fact is, by Thursday, I have my list of suspects and am just tweaking last minute things on Friday. For her to come over and give me a list of an additional 20 people at 12:30 on a Friday? Well, let's just say that a lesser woman would have pooped her pants and the pants of her neighbors. And maybe Indiana's pants.

Not this chick. This chick has looked the devil in the face (not for reals) (and Devil? I'm just kidding so don't make any special trips okay?) and laughed her ass off while trying on new shoes.

I hustled my ass and got all of those accounts ready just in time! Ha! You see, what they don't know is that I'm at my best under pressure. I shine, I sparkle, I smell from the sweat dripping down my back bring my *A* game!

So Glynda, welcome to Fuck Off Friday on a Saturday!

I can't wait for the day I walk over to her and give her my, handwritten in blood (not my blood), 2 weeks notice.

When that day comes, I'm inviting all of y'alls to my house for a party! Okay, maybe not so much inviting you guys but asking you guys to send me flowers or chocolate.

Hey! Guess what we get to do today! If you guessed 'finish removing drywall, nails, glue and staples from my mom's walls then disinfect the bare walls and scrub them with chemicals' you hit the nail on the head! Yay us! How's that for a fun filled weekend??

Hope yours is better! :o)

P.S.
You guys are sick! That was just a tomato!

Humor-Blogs

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

And now... a word from our sponsor.

TOMATOES HAVE NEVER LOOKED HEALTHIER!!
.
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Still working on my resume and looking for jobs. Also, the hackers have now disabled the internet on my work computer so I might be gone from the interweb for a little while.
If you have a question or problem (yo! I'll solve it!), leave your message after the beep.
BEEP!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Read at your own risk because this chick is hot.

Except you guys.

There comes a time in every woman's life when she must decide between her sanity/health or chocolate, bagels, cheese, taco dip and other yummy treats.

If you're thinking I'm talking about dieting again you'd be wrong! See? You don't know me at ALL!

No, it's time for me to leave Arkham Asylum and look for another place for me to spend my daytime hours. There is too much crap going on in my life outside of work that I'd prefer to have a job that doesn't involve me wanting to strangle 6 older women with a lead pipe. (Sure they'd struggle some but I hear adrenaline and rage make a great cocktail that produces super human strength, I think I'll be okay.)(I am kidding of course)(maybe)

This means I have to update my resume which has become surprisingly hard.
How can I make "acted as a referee in multiple fights involving butt cakes, sausages and cheese"? or "found a way to call my coworkers dumb fucks to their faces without them knowing (by adding a new code called DF)" how about "am able to remove the blank stares off of people's faces who should know what the fuck they're doing by now since they've been here years longer than I have!!!!", sound professional?

See? Hard.

I know my blog will go through a weird stage because I won't be talking about their lack of grey (is it grey? or gray?? I obviously don't have much of it either!) matter but I need to regain a tad of the sanity I had when entering that nut house.

I'm tired of trying to find the funny in their idiotic behavior. I'm tired of doing everything for little pay and then still getting shit on. I've never let anybody do that before so I"m not gonna start now at the ripe old age of 35.

I seem to be cranky today. Could be because it's 150 degrees in my house. My AC is broken because of the flood and for some reason the bugs are making my indoors their outdoors!

I've been bitten by a mosquito 5 times! The same mosquito! How much of my blood can it take before it starts looking like Louie Anderson and/or explodes?? Fucker!

And! And! I killed a spider that was this big! No wait. Let me back up a little... IT WAS THIS BIG! The size of a fuckin' pineapple!

Sorry. Like I said. I'm cranky.

In other news. My work computer was hacked and spy-ware has been detected. When I went to OZ to ask him to let me buy an updated anti virus thingymabob he said 'nah, it'll be fine!'

THAT CHEAP BASTARD! He doesn't get that now I don't feel comfortable blogging from work because I don't want my passwords syphoned to some 15 year old in Malaysia who will hijack my blog and post nudie pics of transsexuals or pictures of dogs with their butts shaved.

Let's recap shall we? Work sucks. Wheather sucks. ASSHOLES-AT-THE-INSURANCE-COMPANY-WHO-ARE-NOT-CALLING-ME-BACK suck.
Mosquitoes suck.

Oh well, I'm sure tomorrow will be better. ::rolls eyes::

humor-blogs will be expelling me soon because I can't find the funny.

Monday, September 22, 2008

LIVE FROM THE LAUNDROMAT! [Disclaimer, I may or may not be home already since it would have been 540 million giggleybites to send to blogger!]

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you left a plastic bag in a dryer??

Wonder no more! I know what you're thinking! "Wow! A cool new craft for my kiddies!"

All for only $99.99!!



[Plastic Sold Separately!]


BeeCo Patent Pending.


Humor-Blogs

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Today is blame Richard Simmons day! Woohoo!! Um, it's the first annual so I can understand if you didn't know.

You know how you're always wondering what I do in the wee hours of the night? Don't deny it!

Well, today your dreams will come true.

At approximately 9:45 pm (last night)(Sept 20th)(2008), I was chatting with Chelle B and we were in the middle of her telling me how much she admires me and wishes she were me (only taller) etc. Right in the middle of a sentence POOF! she was gone! (I blame Richard Simmons)

So I went to the Humor Bloggers Forum clicked on the chat and sat there like the rock star I am waiting for her to continue her tribute to moi. She never showed up! Instead I got to chat with Ryan from
The Downloadable Ryan Garns and Mike from The Miker Side of Life.

In the chat, I got called a booger muse by Mike. See? Everybody seems to be of the same opinion! You know, that I'm synonymous with a pint of Ben and Jerry's pistachio ice cream?

Then at about 11:30 I excused myself to get a snack and then go to bed. I got distracted by the blender on my kitchen counter that was half full of fresh homemade salsa. That's when I remembered my mom saying "I need you to find a jar for the rest of the salsa" right before she went to bed. I looked thru my fridge saw two half empty jars of pickles and decided to introduce Mr. Vlasic pickles with Ms. Generic Jewel brand pickles.

But! The jar of oval Vlasic pickles decided to laugh in my cool booger muse face and not open. There I stood, in the middle of the kitchen at about 11:45 unable to open a jar of pickles! (I blame Richard Simmons)

How cliche!

So I went to the macho man of the house and waited patiently while he killed a deformed octopus (really? that's the best the World of Wackies could come up with?? I'd have gone with Slimer from Ghostbusters), went back washed it out and put the salsa in there so I could put it in the fridge.

Making room for it was another story.


Normally my refrigerator contains the bare essentials. Beer, Mojitos, Wine (in case somebody comes over and wants something sophisticated and yucky), Water, Soda, Deli Meat, Bread (sometimes a flashlight) and um, that's it!

Now? I can't find a spot for the jar of pickles that had a spot in there before! It's full of mom food. I resolved the situation by opening a can of Grape Shasta (since I mentioned it here, they'll be flying off the shelves now). The time was almost midnight.

So now I had to stay up and drink the Shasta. I turned my laptop back on and handled some "business" while I had MTV on in the background.


Do you know what I find interesting? ALL THE BEST COMMERCIALS ARE ON PAST MIDNIGHT!
I found out how the less fortunate women (or men, I'm not here to judge) can increase their bust size,
Easy Curves, all for only $9.99! Or! If you have The Club, I'm sure it'll work the same.

In closing, Mike told me that I am a Kick Ass Booger! Yeah! Woohoo! So um, he gave me an award for it. I am now passing it on to anybody who leaves me their booger story in comments.


If you don't have one, blame Richard Simmons and his gray tongue.

Humor-Blogs

Friday, September 19, 2008

The exhaler stood a whole foot taller than me. I was at a complete disadvantage.

So the exhaler of the offensive snot was…….. drum roll please……

The semi retired doctor Mr. Rogers! ::shiver::

He is in his 70s and one of the nicest people I have ever met. He was kindly inquiring about the condition of my house. I was standing there (right there) going on and on and must of said something that made him laugh because he kind of snorted and BOOM! or SPLAT it landed on my black sweater.

Do not read on if you’re eating, have asthma or have mushrooms in your fridge.

I stopped talking and asked him politely if he could remove the dry mucus off my sweater so that I may go dunk myself in a gigantic tub of bleach –CLOTHES AND ALL—!

He was very embarrassed but then he did something even grosser, he took out his hankie, looked for a “clean” spot and then picked it off with enough force to make it crumble, and little bits became embedded in the fabric of my former sweater.

Above my left boob.

I didn’t think twice about him feeling me up since I was more preoccupied with getting to the bathroom and taking off what was now a contaminated-never-to-wear-again sweater.

Now, I have been in the exam rooms (for translating purposes) where OZ is suturing open wounds, I've been there when he's inspecting recent amputations, I've been in the hospital where he's told people they will be losing a foot/finger/hand, ME, a person who can't stand the sight of anybody else's blood (weirdly, mine doesn't bother me) and yet this is what made me want to guacjarackagag!

I almost projectile vomited 35 years of stored up bile (I know I'll need it one day)(kinda like those weird fish that spit out poison) right at Mr. Rogers which would have made us even in my opinion.

Gross.

I feel better now that I've shared my gruesome experience.

And yes, I went to the bathroom, removed my sweater and walked around in my hoodie.

In other news, I had to erase all my recorded "So You Think You can Dance" episodes because they were taking up 80% of my memory (on the recorder Brian, not my head) so now I don't know where I'm going to get my pretend exercise. I used to do a little upper body jam while my legs flailed around but now I got nuthin'! Just another thing to be pissed about I guess.

Humor-Blogs

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Tomorrow, I will put up a very important text box on top of the posts.
It's not about me and it will be serious. I ask that those of you living in the states, please read it and take action. I was going to do it today but it deserves more attention and respect than my usual nonsense. Please do not leave a comment regarding the subject because I have some emotional issues about it that I prefer the door remain closed. It will mean a lot to me if you come back to read it tomorrow. I'll put it up at 2:00 pm CST.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

The day a booger was exhaled from someone else’s nose onto my sweater. I don’t think it was on purpose…

I know what you’re asking yourself ‘why are you wearing a sweater?’ it’s cold here in Beeland.

What is the proper etiquette for when a bear is dislodged from its cave and comes flying at ya’ at about 30 miles an hour? You have no time to duck. Besides, if you do duck, it might hit you somewhere more grodie, like your face! Ewww.

Seriously. If you are talking to someone and they unwillingly fling a dinosaur at you, do you keep talking as if nothing happened? Do you jump up and down yelling “Ewww! Ewww! EWWWWWWW!!” What do you do?

Can you guess what I did? Seeing as how you know me so well by now, I’d be interested to hear what you guys can come up with.

P.S.

The first person who says ‘ate it!’ will get their ass kicked over the interwebs!

Humor-Blogs

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

You have lived through a small crisis. What do you do next?

So I’m finally back at work. Yup. I thought I would take a day off and rest amongst the crazy people I work with. It would give me time to catch up on my blog stalking too so it’s win win.

You know, I’ve learned there are things you should have in your house at all times in case of emergencies. Learn from my mistakes and keep these things handy.

Rubber boots-
While surveying our neighborhood, I saw kids frolicking in the flood water while their parents stood by and had a couple of brewskies reminiscing about the 87’ flood (why didn’t someone warn us about this freakin’ 87’ flood?? Maybe the hubs and I would have bought a house somewhere else! Maybe one inside the river to save us some trouble.). People! The water is contaminated! Your kids are probably playing with something the neighbor two blocks over had for dinner! That thing floating is not a cork shaped fish dumbasses.

Sadly, when we went to the store early on Saturday, they had run out of rubber boots. (I don’t know what kind of kinky convention was in town but they emptied the shelves. Bastards.)
When Andy was finally able to find a hole in the cop barricades on Tuesday and venture out to buy some things, he did find one pair of rubber boots. Nice pepto pink two sizes too big.



Don’t analyze this picture because I umm, haven’t shaved my legs.

Since they fit my mom perfectly, I gave them to her and my sister brought a pair she said would fit me like a glove.


As much as I would have loved to keep the Hello Kitty boots, I’ve got a rep to protect. Maybe I can find ones with Mighty Mouse on them?


Rubber gloves-
I know I have some somewhere but I couldn’t find them anywhere!

Booze-
We were down to 1 beer and 2 mojitos. Suuuure we had a bunch of water bottles but lets be realistic here. If you want to drown your sorrows, mixing Kool Aid with water and pretending it’s mojitos with pomegranate juice will just make you more aware of how ridiculous you really are.

Food:
I have said before how my mom is the one who cooks, right? Therefore, her place doing an impersonation of the Titanic, left us with no food and we had to rely on my meager fridge which was even more pathetic because Andy hadn’t gone grocery shopping (hence the lack of booze). We had ordered 2 large pizzas to feed people helping us on Saturday but the pizza guy got there 2 hours later. After everyone had left.

We ate pizza for 3 days. I remember being a kid and saying stupid things like “Boy! I wish I could eat pizza every day!” What the hell was I thinking?? I must have been hopped up on Kool Aid!

Patience-
Take whatever you normally keep and triple it. Everything will start to annoy you. Hugs? I don't want no stinkin' hugs! No, I am not tired so stop asking! Brownies? take those brownies and-- okay, I'll have the brownies.

Example, here are some moments with mom.

As you saw before, her place was underwater so she lost some essentials. One very important one being toilet paper. She asked me for some to take upstairs to her new living space. I gave her a whole package of TP because I’m sweet like that.

The next day…

Mom:
What kind of TP do you buy? That generic cheap stuff?

Bee:
No, it’s actually a little more expensive because it’s recycled.

Mom:
QUE?? MORE EXPENSIVE??

Bee:
Yeah but it’s recycled. I’m doing my part to save polar bears so I don’t mind spending a little more.

Mom:
Bah! A polar bear would eat you and not care that you gave your butt road rash to save it!

Bee:


All this while I was on my hands and knees trying to fish CDs out of my mom’s closet while waving my ass in the air.


---------------------------------------

Since she and I will now be sharing a kitchen (YIKES!!)

Mom:
Ooh! I like these pans! When did you get them?

Bee:
What do you mean 'when did I get them'?

Mom:
Well, they seem new but I don’t remember you telling me you bought new pans.

Bee:
Ma, those were the ones I bought when I got married.

Mom:
You’ve had them for SEVEN YEARS?? Do you know how many pans I've gone through in 7 years? What? You don’t cook to save more polar bears?


-------------------------------------------
After a long hard day of throwing stuff out, cleaning, disinfecting and eating brownies:

Bee:
Mom, why don’t you stop and let me make you a sandwich?

Mom:
No. You buy that sweet ham that taste like it was dipped in sugar.

Bee:
Next time Andy ventures out into the abyss, I’ll ask him to see if they have ham roasted in jalapeños but how about I make you a sandwich anyway?

Mom:
::sigh:: Okay.
-
I made her a grilled ham and cheese sandwich, with crunchy bacon (everything is better with bacon) and just a little bit of mustard.
-
Mom: [surprised]
THIS IS REALLY GOOD!

Bee:
Well, I am an expert sandwich maker.

Mom:
No doubt! Maybe I’ll show you how to scramble an egg next.
.


NOW ASKING FOR DONATIONS OF PATIENCE.

Humor-Blogs

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Update Flood 2008 part deux!!!

Because my family can't get through to see mom ME ME ME(!) I have to give them a photo linky but you are welcome to click! :o)

We are currently in a bizarro roach motel, we can't get out but no-one can get in either. Whatever! At least we don't have to go to work tomorrow! Woohoo! (TAKE THAT BRIAN!)

Before you go and analyze each picture to see if you see me, I was the one taking all the pictures so it's a negative for you charlie. Unless you see the reflection of an angel, then it's me.
Click on flood 2008 ->
FLOOD 2008


Hopefully not coming to a theater near you! Which reminds me! I was going to see the new Brad Pitt flick!! OKAY NOW THINGS JUST GOT RIDICULOUS!

Update Flood 2008

Thanks to everybody sending well wishes. To clear it up a bit, our home is 3 floors mom lives on the first, Andy and I live on second, third used to belong to my sister until she married. Mom is staying on the 3rd floor so she's keeping dry (won't even take a shower).

Still raining hard. We still have a ton of water. They're predicting the river will crest at 7pm instead of what they said earlier. All roads are closed to get around my area. I'm still pissed off.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Why the f*ck did I wake up in the morning? Oh yeah...

So... I had a late night last night. It involved Mojitos and pomegranate juice and a naughty chat room. No, just kidding. I ran out of pomegranate juice.

Anyway, I went to bed at almost 3 AM, a lot little tipsy past my bed time. Got up at about 6 to um, make sure my head was still where it should be, went back to sleep and at about 9 AM my momma called me to tell me her place was flooded thanks to the massive downpour of Friday night and Saturday morning.

At first I thought I was having alcohol induced hallucinations:





But then the Easter Bunny came and kicked me in the ass and said "Yo' beeyotch! You ain't trippin' this shit is fo' reals!" Gah! I never knew the Easter Bunny could be such a ghetto asshole but there you have it.

It got worse in an hour's time.





My mommy's beautiful bathroom. What you don't see are 2 steps leading up to her spectacular jacuzzi tub.


So yeah. They are expecting The Des Plaines River to crest (that's when it's at its biggest)(and runs amongst the city folk)(to piss in our eye sockets) at 1:00 AM CST Sunday morning.



Picture taken by Andy at approximately 11:00 AM.

What this means is, no sleepy for me because I and the hubs and the moms live ONE BLOCK AND A HALF AWAY FROM THE RIVER. Normally, I know you'd be jealous because I can launch my canoe (if I had a canoe) into the river and pretend I'm Pocahontas (only cuter) right now I know you feel relief that you are not the ones about to float away into oblivion.

Do me a favor okay? If you see a short woman hanging on to a little brown dog with a bag full of shoes on her back, can you pull her out of the water? It might be me.

Anyway, here are the positives.

We still have Internet and cable. We were lucky to have my brothers, SIL and neighbors who are cooler than iced mojitos. We have each other and our health. Well, I did get a spider bite which I hope doesn't get infected because it's throbbing and looking mighty gooey (pizza anyone?).
.
In the midst of all that bullshit, I was awarded with another award for being the brilliant person I am! It was awarded to me not only once, but TWICE in one day! How rock n' roll am I?

Thanks to John J. Savo The Authoring Auctioneer and Ettarose! John has written a terrific novel and Ettarose is me in another city (lucky other city).

The rules is to pass it on to seven wives for seven brothers but I'm not a rule follower so I'm going to give it to Tracy, Leigh, Brian (who won't take it because he is way too humble and prefers penguins), Humorsmith and Larissa because she is a Musician Mom.

To end this, I just want to let y'all know that if I'm not swinging by your place, like the crazy spider monkey I am, it's cuz I might be glub-glubbing under water. Peace be with you and pray this situation goes away for me soon 'kay?

Also, if you guys see that fucken asshole douche bag of Noah and his lame ass ark, tell him I 'm looking for him so I can kick his ass!

Humor-Blogs
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Bee serious.

My heart and sympathy goes out to the IKE victims. :o(

Things I did on my 30th birthday.

Woke up. Cried.

Took a shower. Raged.


Drank some water so I could shed more tears.


Got ready to go out. Cried again.


Andy took me antiquing.
Scowled.

Made me walk until my toes were welded together.


He took me to Best Buy, bought me The Santa Clause (the fuck?).

Went to my mom's house, walked in.
SURPRISE.

Cried at my surprise party.


Then someone (AN ANGEL!) gave me some tequila, got drunk, I finally laughed.


So, to my dear friend Tracy (this chick is glad she met you!), cut all that other shit out and go straight for the booze!



Happy Birthday!

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Forty will be worse!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Awwww, you guys look after my butt as if it was a precious little kitten!

So…

While I was sitting at work, trying to find the answer to “why the fuck do I get to be the one who works with all these morons??” and at the same time harass Brian (that is a full work day), I was laughing at the comments you guys and gals left regarding the toilet situation.

There were some that suggested jet packs, some that suggested my boss might have rubbed his ass on my chopping board, some who couldn’t remember the penis, others who wanted to invent the Cone, some who had the anti-cootie vaccine, a few that peed in the sink or suggested I pee in the sink (note to you guys, I’m short, I can barely reach the sink to wash my hands), others who used disinfectant wiped and then lined (I’d have a river at my feet if I did all that which would be okay but I really REALLY like all my shoes), some who seem to be obsessed with their hineys, others grossed me out even MORE, others are shawtys like me, some of you felt my pain, others bragged about their penis(es, peni?), one of you suggested toilet seat covers which I do have but they're expensiv-o, Suzy calls the pigs out (my kinda girl) but the majority of you were hoverers.
Larissa, Jenboglass, Leigh, Maureen, Sarah, Meg (or squatter in her case), Kirsten, Lainey-Paney, Deb, Tracy, NCS and FADKOG who can compete in the Olympics!

Holy crap! I can’t hover without toppling!

I usually am wearing something like this:

My ankles would probably buckle underneath me and my ass would be in the pit of cooties! In. THE. PIT!

Anyway, as always, you guys crack me up!

And Larissa? Been there done that in skeevy bars/clubs. We used to go to this place called Bedrock (no longer open), you'd figure with a cheery Flintstones town name it would be cool right? Nope! It had THE most disgusting bathrooms WITH NO DOORS!
Unfortunately, with the amount of beverages I used to consume... let's just say I used to forget all the cooties and hug it like it was my long lost sister. ::shiver!::

But! The drinks were cheap-cheap-cheap!

Ah! My life before marriage!
Humor-Blogs

Humor Bloggers dot com

A very serious post about touching your bare ass to a stranger's.


Winter has descended upon the magical land of Chicago. Okay, it's not freezing yet but the evenings are now 45 degrees. For some reason, during cold weather, my trips to the bathroom are more frequent. Probably because I still drink a lot of water and wear my sassy open toe shoes.

Anyway, I held it too long today (no, I didn't pee on myself!) and commented how I hoped I could line the seat with TP before I had an accident.

I then entered that strange place that makes you forget everything... EVEN THE NEED TO PEE!

The ladies (women I work with) looked at me like I had lost my mind and asked me WHY I would line the seat...

Because I don't want anybody else's cooties?

Is everybody else okay with sharing dead skin cells from someone else's butt?

If you enter the bathroom right after your boss, and he's seen walking out with a magazine under his arm, it would be like touching your bare butt to your boss’ bare ass. Is that okay with you?

How about bumping bare buttocks with some random stranger who only showers on the 29th of February?

What if someone peed all over the seat and then cleaned it, do you think the germys disinfected themselves?

Why? Why wouldn't you take an extra few seconds to treat your butt with the pampering it needs?

I am seriously disturbed people! (I am not saying I'm a disturbed individual, I'm saying the toilet thing disturbs me.)

Humor-Blogs

Humor Bloggers dot com


P.S.
I realize that I just might have given you too much information about my peeing habits. No need to send me an email to complain about mental pictures.
If you still want to...

seriouslywhogivesacrap@gmail.com

Monday, September 8, 2008

Hop on my time machine and go back with me to my awesome tens!

So...

Remember yesterday? Or early today actually. Is that right? I'm doing 2 posts in one day? I haven't done that since the crazy wedding! Well, that was about 10 or so posts in one day. Okay, lets get back on track here.

Yesterday/Today/Whenever, I said I hadn't gotten many awards and low and behold Chris from Chris Wood's Blog (where else?) had started making an award for me about a year ago. And then I went and spoiled it by jumping the gun and demanding to know where my freakin' awards were. Just like a woman to ruin the surprise!

If you're asking why it took him a year, well, according to him, he is a "computer nana" I don't know what that means in U K-ish so I'm going with person with no index finger and opposable thumbs. Am I right Chris?
The comments on my award winning cheesefest were also pretty entertaining if you'd like to have a gander at 'em here.


WITHOUT FURTHER ADO-DOO



IN YOUR FACE BRIAN!

Thanks Chris for signaling out the best of the best of the best, first!

I know you're all jealous because I'm so awesome and stuff but I wasn't always this awesome. It takes a lot of hard work and people mocking to become and remain this awesome.

Sometimes, ::whimper:: I toss and turn wondering who I should insult next and my worry is that my soul will go to heaven before I'm done.

If you're feeling a little low because you're not as awesome as I am, here's a little tale. Lets take a journey back and peek in on a 10 year old little Bee.

She was running home from school one day, happy as a cat in a milk factory, carrying her brand new crossing guard gear. She had just been accepted into the prestigious Crosswalkers (not crossdressers not streetwalkers PEOPLE! I was ten!) of America Club and was bursting with pride at being able to help the smaller kids as they cross the street. Keeping them safe from any danger. Her little life filled with a purpose-- ha ha! No! The truth was I wanted to be a crossing guard because we were excused early from class and we were given a free pass to come in late. Hello? I was a 10 year old trying to work the system!

What I hadn't counted on was having to get up at the butt-crack of dawn to be at my post before the little midgets made their way past it.

I had to be there half an hour early for nerds who needed to get to school and moisten their lips for their full day of butt kissing. WTF children! You should be at home watching the Thundercats!

So there I stood, in my snazzy crossing guard sash, ready to ferry the teacher's pets across the street. I never had any problems with older kids being snotty with me because I was 5'2 at the age of 8. I was actually taller than some of the older kids. (I stayed 5'2 so I stopped being a giant long ago)

Plus, I had a rep for punching first and investigating who the guilty party was later. No, just kidding! (no I'm not)

Two weeks in, I started getting tired of the all work no glory part of the job. Mornings weren't good for me since this was before I drank coffee so I had nothing to turn my frown upside down. Soooo I started coming in later than usual.

Then, one fateful day, as I was walking by someone's front yard, a big golden retriever started chasing me! I had to jump over fences to get away from this vicious beast but this meant I also had to do some back tracking which was making me even later.

Holy Donkey Kong! ( I didn't swear back then)(my mom was a very strict mom who would spank first and investigate who the guilty party was later)(hmmm I never realized how alike we were until now) where was I? Oh yeah, Donkey Kong--

As I was hustling to get to my post (I was a fast Chickie back then, always came in second to TC who had legs up to her ears), I noticed two tiny specs standing at my corner wearing the official crossing guard sashes. I don't remember what I thought at the time but lets pretend it was "WTF??"

When I finally got to my post, the leader of the Crossing Guards of Anonymous School was standing with another kid. He proceeded to lecture me on punctuality, dangers of unmanned posts, how there was a rumor that smoking caused lung cancer (just a rumor), etc.

I explained to him about the giant Cujo clone, how I had to jump from roof to roof... He had no sympathy because he was the king of the nerds and was power hungry at the age of 12/13 and believed in obeying the rules. He then said the most horrible words my 10 year old ears could hear "Your authority has been revoked, turn in your sash and bright yellow raincoat."

I took off my orange sash and refused their offer to help me cross the street. What an insult! I'm sure if I had been able to swear back then I would have walked away saying "Fuckers!" as it is now my very favorite of swears but back then I probably said "Dweebs!". I went back home with my little lip all frowny.

Don't worry, it all worked out in the end. I was able to wake up late and watch the Thunder THUNDER THUNDERCATS!

So you see, I too had a period of not being as awesome as I am now.

The reality is that I made up the Cujo dog attack so they could fire my ass and I wouldn't have to get up so early in the morning. What? Why didn't I quit? I ain't no quitter! A liar yes but a quitter NEVER!

Humor-Blogs

Humor Bloggers dot com

Why did it take me one and a half days to finish this post? Oh yeah. Life.

On Saturday I saw a commercial for a new HBO series called "John Adams" (about a president or something) starring Paul Giamatti. Am I the only person on this Earth who sees his face and wants to replace her eyeballs with Peanut M&Ms?

I counted the movies I've seen that have tortured my eyesight by showing me his ugly mug and I came up with 13.

THIRTEEN!


Two were shockers, My Best Friend's Wedding, he was a bellhop (I think that's what you call those guys with the funny hats) and only came out in one scene but when I saw his chinless-face I yelled out (to Andy)(because he was in his dungeon) "Oh WTF! The Giamatti dude is ruining my movie!".


Tonight, when Andy was watching Saving Private Ryan,
there he was. His weaselly voice scrapping my eardrums with rusty hangers.

Do you remember how everybody was talking about how great Sideways was? do you want to know What Andy and I did? I'm telling you anyway.

We went to Best Buy, putzed around, looked to see what movies we could add to our collection, it was Andy's turn to choose:

Andy:

I heard
Sideways was pretty good.

Bee:

Meh. One of the stars is that hobbit dude.

Andy:

I think it won something at the Oscars, best picture or actor or something.


Bee:

Listen, I'd rather buy 3 copies of A Clockwork Orange and play them on my teeth while juggling samurai swords with my toes.

Andy:

As much as I would like to see the toe juggling, I think we should get Sideways anyway. We might learn something about wine.


Bee:
I already know everything I need to know about wine. Grab glass, drink, say 'yuck', order a beer/piña colada/blood. But! Whatever makes you happy babe. You know I'm put on this Earth to please
you. (not exact words but I'm sure it's close enough)

On one cold Sunday morning, we popped it into the DVD player and then wasted ninety minutes of our lives on a whiny dingus and his horny friend.

I couldn't wait to get that crappy movie outta my house so when Crazy Ez (sister in law) came over and said "Ooh! I heard this was a great mov--" I interrupted her and told her to take it and godspeed.

Sucka!


What the hell was I talking about? Oh yeah. I dislike Paul Giamatti with an intensity I only reserve for tiny red ants that bite my ankles and cause me pain!*

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On a sad note.
I was visiting some blogs tonight and noticed they have tons of awards. How many do I have?
5 and one I made myself to give to myself! Some call that pathetic I call it, uh.. ANTI-pathetic.
Do I have a "World's Greatest Daddy Blogger" award?? No.
How about a "Fastest Typer in the Northwest" award?? No.
A "Your skin smells like lavender" award? No! I really want that one!

What am I doing wrong? I shower everyday. I pay my taxes. I'm nice to ugly people (except Paul Giamatti but he's a millionaire so I'm sure he doesn't give a shit).

Oh well, something else that will keep me up at night!

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On a Lastly note.

Chelle B and I tag teamed another blogger over at Humor Bloggers. The subject matter is not for the faint of heart, people with asthma or my family members. Especially family members. ***Please do not go over there if you are in any way shape or form a part of Mi Familia. No. Don't!***

*I realize that it's ironic I did a whole post on a person I think looks like the wrong side of a jock strap but I needed to get it out of my system.

Humor-Blogs
Humor Bloggers dot com

P.S.
I used my spell check so any misspelled words are Godzilla's fault.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

I hired a new assitant.

I like her hair don't you? I'll come back later and do a proper post but The Warden is flickering the lights and locking my cell. Keeps saying it's bedtime! No time to fin--

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Jellyrolls are not just for breakfast anymore.

The following post is RATED R.

No nudity but some flab.

Proceed at your own discretion! Hide the kids. Slap the cat! Smack your boss!
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Ready?


So.. remember I said I was going to try to get in shape? Remember? It was in my insomniac post?? Come on you guys! You have to listen (or read) every once in a while! What if I'm drowning and I need you to fish me out of the bathtub?? Ummm, okay. Call Andy because some of you I don't trust! You KNOW who you are!!

Anyway, I was looking for some pin up girl pictures for umm, research on how long it took Google to produce images (.07 seconds! wow!) yeah, that's it. I came across my perfect pin up picture.
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Don't laugh! That is so disrespectful!
She looks a little taller than me but basically... yeah. I still think my boobs are bigger but you can't have it all.

As I go on my little deflabbing adventure, I will put her in my side bar. Each time I lose a few pounds, I'll narrow her down a bit. Not sure how I'm going to do that but hey! I figure it'll be harder in real life so chopping off a few love handles from Ms. Jellyroll should be a piece of cake! Or, erm, celery! A piece of celery!

Now if I could only find a machine like this one:
I'd wear a little more clothes in case of a friction burn, YIKES!

What I need from you.
Whenever you can, if you remember, I need you to tell me how good I'm looking. Or how you can't even see traces of the chocolate chip cookie I smuggled in my hair.

Encouraging stuff like that.

I will not be starting my workout regimen until Monday because I have some food I need to eat so it doesn't go bad or feel like I'm neglecting it but after that, no sugary, fatty, creamy, delicious, mouth watering... ... ...
What? Did you need something? Can't you see I'm eating a bagel??

Wish me luck! Well, on Sunday I mean. Or now, you can wish me luck now if you want.
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Please stay tuned for the last post I will ever do of my brain dead assistant. I haven't done it because I've been busy at work (don't scoff! I can hear you!) so I haven't been able to type it up while pretending to work. I know, I feel sad for me too.

Later guys! This girl is beat and needs some snuggle time with her Georgie Bear.

Humor-Blogs


Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Bee reviews Tropic Thunder. Bee ATTEMPTS to review Tropic Thunder.


Hey! Guess what??
Today I'm doing a review on Tropic Thunder over at our other blog
Humor Bloggers dot com.

Go over here ->
Humor Bloggers dot com so I can tell you if you should see it or not. If you go, I might buy you nachos.

Are you still here?? Go!


Brian!
You too!
WE BLOG FUNNY

Monday, September 1, 2008

She hit the flo [She hit the flo] Next thing you know Shawty got low low low low low low low low...

Okay umm, where were we?? I don't remember so I'm just gonna talk about something else, okay?
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O--kay!
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Well, it's the end of our 3 day weekend (can I get a boohoo?) but in a way I have one more day off because OZ won't be back until Wednesday which means non-stop blogging! Can I get a Woohoo!!
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I did a lot of gardening this weekend and some de-cluttering but in between I had some awesome TV time. Andy talked me into going to see Tropic Thunder (why do I keep calling it tropical thunder??) which was okay but as I've told mostly everybody, my spiritual leader Tom Cruise Savior of all car accident victims, STOLE THE SHOW! He went low low low low low low.



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I know, I know, we spent a beautiful day in a movie theater? Shame on us! Which brings me to the mini reprimand to those who are forcing me to think about summer being over. How about you shutty?
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The radio is telling me to smell the dry leaves, the scarecrow displays are popping up everywhere... stop it!
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I. Am. Not. Ready!

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We had a long hard winter and I'm enjoying our unseasonably cool summer. Plus, I checked and the first official day of fall isn't until September 22nd. If people continue to try and torment me, I'm just going to have to pretend they don't exist and/or rip their heads off with my pinkie nails*!
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And to those jerky trees that are mercilessly taunting me by showering me with their yellow leaves as I'm gardening... who protects you against spiders, birds and squirrels? Me! I'm just gonna go ahead and let Tazz and Mocha pee on you.

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Okay. Now for business. I entered a contest over at Humor Bloggers dot com. It's a (kherm!) sex scandal writing contest. I'm not going to tell you which number I am THIRTEEN or which one is my story THIRTEEN but you can go here to vote for the best one. AGAIN I don't want to influence you in anyway THIRTEEN so I only ask that you vote for the one that made you smiley THIRTEEN.
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Family, if you go over there (which I know you will because you guys are my support system), please do not believe everything you read. Except this right now. You guys know I'm a demigoddess step above an angel.

I'm not sure if I had bragged about it yet but Chelle made me one of Humor Blogger dot com's administrators. What does that mean? It means that I'm cooler than I was a month ago that's what! The site has been evolving and the public forum is open to everybody, well mostly everybody. If she notices that you didn't clean behind your ears, she might not let you pass.
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Now if only we could get Chris to figure out how to sign up for the Humor Blogger dot com public forum so he could submit future entries, hmmmm...
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* I can't always say "I'm going to rip the eyeballs out of your head and piss in your dead skull!"- My threats, like me, need to change with the times.

Humor-Blogs


WE BLOG FUNNY