I counted the movies I've seen that have tortured my eyesight by showing me his ugly mug and I came up with 13.
THIRTEEN!
Two were shockers, My Best Friend's Wedding, he was a bellhop (I think that's what you call those guys with the funny hats) and only came out in one scene but when I saw his chinless-face I yelled out (to Andy)(because he was in his dungeon) "Oh WTF! The Giamatti dude is ruining my movie!".
Tonight, when Andy was watching Saving Private Ryan, there he was. His weaselly voice scrapping my eardrums with rusty hangers.
Do you remember how everybody was talking about how great Sideways was? do you want to know What Andy and I did? I'm telling you anyway.
We went to Best Buy, putzed around, looked to see what movies we could add to our collection, it was Andy's turn to choose:
Andy:
I heard Sideways was pretty good.
Bee:
Meh. One of the stars is that hobbit dude.
Andy:
I think it won something at the Oscars, best picture or actor or something.
Bee:
Listen, I'd rather buy 3 copies of A Clockwork Orange and play them on my teeth while juggling samurai swords with my toes.
Andy:
As much as I would like to see the toe juggling, I think we should get Sideways anyway. We might learn something about wine.
Bee:
I already know everything I need to know about wine. Grab glass, drink, say 'yuck', order a beer/piña colada/blood. But! Whatever makes you happy babe. You know I'm put on this Earth to please you. (not exact words but I'm sure it's close enough)
On one cold Sunday morning, we popped it into the DVD player and then wasted ninety minutes of our lives on a whiny dingus and his horny friend.
I couldn't wait to get that crappy movie outta my house so when Crazy Ez (sister in law) came over and said "Ooh! I heard this was a great mov--" I interrupted her and told her to take it and godspeed.
Sucka!
What the hell was I talking about? Oh yeah. I dislike Paul Giamatti with an intensity I only reserve for tiny red ants that bite my ankles and cause me pain!*
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
On a sad note.
I was visiting some blogs tonight and noticed they have tons of awards. How many do I have?
5 and one I made myself to give to myself! Some call that pathetic I call it, uh.. ANTI-pathetic.
Do I have a "World's Greatest Daddy Blogger" award?? No.How about a "Fastest Typer in the Northwest" award?? No.
A "Your skin smells like lavender" award? No! I really want that one!
What am I doing wrong? I shower everyday. I pay my taxes. I'm nice to ugly people (except Paul Giamatti but he's a millionaire so I'm sure he doesn't give a shit).
Oh well, something else that will keep me up at night!
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
On a Lastly note.
Chelle B and I tag teamed another blogger over at Humor Bloggers. The subject matter is not for the faint of heart, people with asthma or my family members. Especially family members. ***Please do not go over there if you are in any way shape or form a part of Mi Familia. No. Don't!***
*I realize that it's ironic I did a whole post on a person I think looks like the wrong side of a jock strap but I needed to get it out of my system.
Humor-Blogs
Humor Bloggers dot com
P.S.
I used my spell check so any misspelled words are Godzilla's fault.
I didn't think Sideways was that bad, though I'll probably not watch it a second time.
ReplyDeleteThe only way to learn about wine is to drink it.
Watching Sideways was like getting an anal probe without the romance.
ReplyDeletePaulie boy was in the Howard Stern movie, too? Remember? He played "pig vomit."
sideways was overrated. and he is ick.
ReplyDeletewine - ehh. margaritas - yay!!!!!
He's not handsome by any stretch but I think he's a decent actor and I must say that I actually enjoyed Sideways but maybe that's because I like the Napa region and have been there a number of times.
ReplyDeleteI'm looking forward to the John Adams series - he was a most interesting character.
I don't even know who that dude is, but yeah, just that picture makes me hate him
ReplyDeleteI've never watched sideways... but there's always gotta be "that guy". It's almost like Hollywood feels the movie is more believable if they have that one obscenely ugly fucker in it.
ReplyDeleteHe's also in the Illusionist, with an extremely fucked up wanna be accent.
Do not ever watch "The Ant Bully," then, because it's bad enough that we have to listen to Nicholas Cage as an animated ant, but then there's Giamatti as the voice of the exterminator. It's annoying!
ReplyDelete...the wrong side of a jock strap...
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Is it wrong of me to still be coveting your assistant? WANT!! And don't worry about not having an award. I don't even pick mine up anymore. Ah, the problems of us award winners.
ReplyDeleteI remember all the buzz about Sideways. So, of course, I decided to rent it. I will never, ever get those minutes back... ever.
ReplyDeleteI am going to have to clarify your description of him... He looks like how the wrong side of a jockstrap smells. I'm Canadian, and am knowledgeable about Hockey... trust me on this one.
No fair! Since when was being ugly something that couldn't make someone a good actor?
ReplyDeleteChris:
ReplyDeleteSince the decree of 1983 established all unattractive actors be hired only in the theater.
An actor can be great if he’s ugly (Gary Oldman comes to mind) but I don’t think Paul Giamatti is a great actor and the fact that he’s ugly makes it worse. I give as an example “Lady in the Water” I shivered throughout that whole movie. Well, not the whole movie because I fell asleep halfway thru.
I have to admit, if Giamatti changed his voice, got a new face, and didn't star in any movies, I might like him.
ReplyDeleteMost of the films that I've seen PG in, he's been a relatively minor character, e.g. Confidence, Paycheck. And I think he's been okay in them.
ReplyDeleteSideways was kind of a waste, but I find that Giamatti's voice is more tolerable if you first cram your ears with Squeeze Cheez. The oil blocks out the high register and he sounds like the guy who played President Palmer with a sore throat.
ReplyDeleteAnd if it makes you feel better, I have even fewer awards than you, and I'm a frikkin' whatever the hell I claim to be!
Brian, you know how you’re always complaining about Hugh Grant?
ReplyDeleteThat’s how I feel about PG. I think he acts the same in every movie and his whininess really annoys me. I hate it when he’s sprung on me while I’m enjoying my nachos. Andy hates it too because then I talk his ear off. I know you like hearing (reading) me go on and on but for some reason Andy doesn’t enjoy it as much…
SINISTERDAN!:
ReplyDeleteYou're back! Woohoo! (:-D
Thanks for the tip on the cheese...
Uh, why does everyuthing I say sound bad?
I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO HATED PAUL GIAFUCKMATTI. Sideways was tedious.
ReplyDeleteI only have 2 awards and I'd be happy to give them to you but I havent given them 2 anyone(like I'm supossed to) due to hand issues and having to justify my paycheck at Uproarious. But I'm seeing a chiro tomorrow so if u pray hard enough 4 me and it works, dude, the awards are urs.
Also, this was one of youe funniest posts evah. Love you, mean it.
I didn't see the movie, but I did read the book and HATED it. "A whiny dingus and his horny friend" is definitely the book in a nutshell. They should have just put that on a flyer, made a billion copies, sold them at ten bucks a pop, and saved everyone a lot of time.
ReplyDeleteCrap! Posted this to the wrong post which is why it makes no sense under your "I hired a new assistant" post. Sorry, Bee. I am an idiot. Read below:
ReplyDeleteBee: You are well deserving of many awards. If I could create them, I would. But I can barely make a grilled cheese sandwich.
But, if I could make them:
"Coolest shawty east of Crenshaw."
"Best avatar not to receive an NC-17 rating."
"Best legal use of crunchy white stuff."
"Founding member of the 'Paul Giamatti is a Dumbass' Fan Club
So, you won't be watching John Adams anytime soon then?
ReplyDeleteAnd Godzilla is your spell checker manager?
Forget Sideways and and any other ways. But you have to watch BIG FAT LIAR. It's a kids movie but it's freakin' hillarious. It is THE ONLY Giamatti character you may ever like because he's not likeable in the role at all! There are a couple of scenes I just have to watch from that just because they are so stoopid funny I can't help it.
ReplyDeleteFinally, finally, finally! Someone agrees with me about that shitty shitty movie!
ReplyDeleteWe got it from Netflix. At the end I was all WTF? and the hubs was "Oh that was the best movie! I'm buying it!"
And HE DID BUY IT! AND HE WATCHES IT A LOT!
I would rather have every hair plucked from my entire body than to have to sit through that shitty movie again!
And while I enjoyed the first few episodes of John Adams, you know I was getting my learn on and all, I cannot for the life of me figure out how he's looked at as this great actor! He always has the same facial expressions and those sad hound dog eyes. The only thing different about him in John Adams is that he's wearing a wig and funny looking clothes.
I was wondering what happened to the awards too!
ReplyDeleteI haven't gotten one in a bazillion years!
How about you give me one and I'll give you one? Sound good?
There's something odd about they way Paul Giamatti speaks. He enunciates oddly and kind of smacks his lips. You forgot to mention his awful turn in "Duets". Yes, I watched Duets.
ReplyDeleteI kind of like Paul Giamatti. He's an interesting actor to watch. But yeah, what was the deal with Sideways? Was that like the most overrated movie ever or what (besides Babel, I mean)?
ReplyDeleteWoah! You're ruthless! I think PG is cute (in an ugly kind of way).
ReplyDeleteHave you seen American Splendor?--One of my favorite movies and he's amazing in it. But I also liked Sideways, so don't take movie advice from me...
I like your blog even though you're a PG h8er!
I am too late to add anything interesting or even relevant to this discussion.
ReplyDeleteHappy Trails.
The End.
El Fin.
I think he's supposed to be goofy looking, like Steve Buscemi. It's part of his charm-- they can't all by Brad Pitt, you know?
ReplyDeleteStill, I feel like a few people myself go way beyond the pale, so I can't fault you for this. Plus, you wrote about this so amusingly that I couldn't fault you for anything.
Sorry about your perceived lack of awards-- wanna borrow my Best Daddy Blogger award for a weekend, or something? I'll just airbrush out Paul Giamatti's face from the background of it... that guy is everywhere!