Sunday, September 21, 2008

Today is blame Richard Simmons day! Woohoo!! Um, it's the first annual so I can understand if you didn't know.

You know how you're always wondering what I do in the wee hours of the night? Don't deny it!

Well, today your dreams will come true.

At approximately 9:45 pm (last night)(Sept 20th)(2008), I was chatting with Chelle B and we were in the middle of her telling me how much she admires me and wishes she were me (only taller) etc. Right in the middle of a sentence POOF! she was gone! (I blame Richard Simmons)

So I went to the Humor Bloggers Forum clicked on the chat and sat there like the rock star I am waiting for her to continue her tribute to moi. She never showed up! Instead I got to chat with Ryan from
The Downloadable Ryan Garns and Mike from The Miker Side of Life.

In the chat, I got called a booger muse by Mike. See? Everybody seems to be of the same opinion! You know, that I'm synonymous with a pint of Ben and Jerry's pistachio ice cream?

Then at about 11:30 I excused myself to get a snack and then go to bed. I got distracted by the blender on my kitchen counter that was half full of fresh homemade salsa. That's when I remembered my mom saying "I need you to find a jar for the rest of the salsa" right before she went to bed. I looked thru my fridge saw two half empty jars of pickles and decided to introduce Mr. Vlasic pickles with Ms. Generic Jewel brand pickles.

But! The jar of oval Vlasic pickles decided to laugh in my cool booger muse face and not open. There I stood, in the middle of the kitchen at about 11:45 unable to open a jar of pickles! (I blame Richard Simmons)

How cliche!

So I went to the macho man of the house and waited patiently while he killed a deformed octopus (really? that's the best the World of Wackies could come up with?? I'd have gone with Slimer from Ghostbusters), went back washed it out and put the salsa in there so I could put it in the fridge.

Making room for it was another story.

Normally my refrigerator contains the bare essentials. Beer, Mojitos, Wine (in case somebody comes over and wants something sophisticated and yucky), Water, Soda, Deli Meat, Bread (sometimes a flashlight) and um, that's it!

Now? I can't find a spot for the jar of pickles that had a spot in there before! It's full of mom food. I resolved the situation by opening a can of Grape Shasta (since I mentioned it here, they'll be flying off the shelves now). The time was almost midnight.

So now I had to stay up and drink the Shasta. I turned my laptop back on and handled some "business" while I had MTV on in the background.

Do you know what I find interesting? ALL THE BEST COMMERCIALS ARE ON PAST MIDNIGHT!
I found out how the less fortunate women (or men, I'm not here to judge) can increase their bust size,
Easy Curves, all for only $9.99! Or! If you have The Club, I'm sure it'll work the same.

In closing, Mike told me that I am a Kick Ass Booger! Yeah! Woohoo! So um, he gave me an award for it. I am now passing it on to anybody who leaves me their booger story in comments.

If you don't have one, blame Richard Simmons and his gray tongue.



  1. I think Richard Simmons is immortal.

  2. If you are ever able to get a hold of The Pact that Dick Clark signed with the Devil for eternal life? Yeah, you'll find Richard Simmons's name down along with his - right between Dick Clark and Charo.

    Ehm the only booger stories I have are all about my son thinking it's HILARIOUS to have now graduated from merely smearing his boogers on someone ELSE to now putting them in his mouth with a resounding "Delicious!"

    I know. He needs therapy.

  3. Richard Simmons IS immortal! I believe that, in the event of some world destroying apocolpyse (or perhaps in one of Andy's games), Richards Simmons will remain standing, and those who survive with him may ACTUALLY stand up and blame him for the entire thing!

    So yes, yes, I think you're right. Today IS blame Richard Simmons Day. However, let's see about making every day his fault!

  4. I don't have a booger story, just a question: Would that breast product (lifts, firms and enlarges) work on a penis? Please advise asap.

    Richard Simmons wants to know; I blame him for the question!

  5. Oh, I have a booger and it is waiting on my blog for ya.

    Booger story I mean.

    No seriously, that was a Freudian slip, I promise!! :)

  6. I have very vivid dreams about Richar's legs. Did I say dream? I meant nightmare.

    I have several booger stories. First, I was once out at lunch with my boss. I noticed he had a "bat in his cave". As he continued eating, the dry bat kept creeping out more. Finally it dropped on his plate. I had my eyes fixed on that point during the rest of the meal. He had no idea it had fallen out. Eventually, he scooped it up and ate it with a portion of his meal. It was disgusting. I can't eat at that restaurant ever again.

    My second booger story (sorry for the guest post here) is that when my son first discovered his nose and how to pick it, he would hand me his boogers. Gross, I know, but he's my son. One time while I was driving he handed it to me. A few miles down the road I heard his tiny voice from the back seat say, "Mom, can I have my booger back?" I still had it so I handed it over. He looked at it for a few minutes then returned it to me for keeps.

  7. booger muse! ahahaha! I'm pissed I missed that chat. Dabnammit! now I KNOW I'm gonna have to camp out there more often! :D

  8. hmmm, booger story? Lets see. This one time, I guess I said something to one of my buddies that was apparently funny and he did that air laugh people do with their nose and sure enough, a booger was launched toward my direction from his nose. It happened in slow-mo. All I can think was "noooooo!" but couldnt do anything about it. It was traveling at incredible booger speed and direct hit! It literally killed the conversation we were having which was coincidentally enough about farts, no joke. I guess the boogers werent feeling the love.

    I just look down at the scene of the crime and tell my buddy "are you gonna do something about this?" To which he replied, "fair is fair, blow one on me." I knew he was joking but I closed one of my nostrils and launched a counter-attack. After that I had to take a long shower, haha.

    buzz buzz

  9. I'm very confused. I think I'm just half asleep. Why do you keep pickles in the fridge? Where did the space go? Maybe there's something alive in there...

  10. I did not know they still made grape shasta. thanks for the info

  11. I have a booger story but it's so gross I'll have to put it down another day, when I'm feeling stronger.

  12. Use my pickle opening method. Smash the jar on the neighbors driveway (cause that's what neighbors are for and it's provides entertainment later on) and then put the pickles in a zip lock baggie because everything should go in zip lock baggies. My new wallet is a zip lock baggie!

  13. Richard Simmons scares me 'almost' as much as the burger king king... no booger story from me...just sayin congrats

  14. OK, this was sooo yesterday, what the hell? We all know you have nothing better to do than entertain us with a new post!

    I expect it to be ready by the time I get back from the taco truck.

    Well, and the liquor store, I have to drop by there and grab some MOJITOS woot!

  15. "Booger muse"? I guess nobody nose like you bee. Salsa in a jar that formerly contained octopus? Sometimes reading your blog is like watching a Bergman movie. Pretty pictures, but as for the story, WTF?

    Thanks for blogging and boogerin'! EWW!

  16. Mr.Smith? I'll have you know I have been compared to Bergman before.

    I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told him:

    "Maybe come back when your sober?"


  17. During the first few months of both of my daughter's lives, I bought a ton of stuff off of middle-of-the-night infomercials...including the Shark, the Bullet, Green Bags, the PediEgg, Kinoki Food Pads, the 6-week body makeover (still in box!), the Core workouts, Hercules Hooks....

    I think I might have a problem.

  18. A Humor Blogger's chat? Is this phenomenon open to the general public or is one of those invite-only, your-not-funny-enough-to-hang-with-us deals? Cuz, really, I'm not funny enough....

  19. The Easy Curves is Universitie tested!

    Eww, Simmons does have a gray tongue. Grosssss.


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