While I was sitting at work, trying to find the answer to “why the fuck do I get to be the one who works with all these morons??” and at the same time harass Brian (that is a full work day), I was laughing at the comments you guys and gals left regarding the toilet situation.
There were some that suggested jet packs, some that suggested my boss might have rubbed his ass on my chopping board, some who couldn’t remember the penis, others who wanted to invent the Cone, some who had the anti-cootie vaccine, a few that peed in the sink or suggested I pee in the sink (note to you guys, I’m short, I can barely reach the sink to wash my hands), others who used disinfectant wiped and then lined (I’d have a river at my feet if I did all that which would be okay but I really REALLY like all my shoes), some who seem to be obsessed with their hineys, others grossed me out even MORE, others are shawtys like me, some of you felt my pain, others bragged about their penis(es, peni?), one of you suggested toilet seat covers which I do have but they're expensiv-o, Suzy calls the pigs out (my kinda girl) but the majority of you were hoverers.
Larissa, Jenboglass, Leigh, Maureen, Sarah, Meg (or squatter in her case), Kirsten, Lainey-Paney, Deb, Tracy, NCS and FADKOG who can compete in the Olympics!
Holy crap! I can’t hover without toppling!
I usually am wearing something like this:
My ankles would probably buckle underneath me and my ass would be in the pit of cooties! In. THE. PIT!Anyway, as always, you guys crack me up!
And Larissa? Been there done that in skeevy bars/clubs. We used to go to this place called Bedrock (no longer open), you'd figure with a cheery Flintstones town name it would be cool right? Nope! It had THE most disgusting bathrooms WITH NO DOORS!
Unfortunately, with the amount of beverages I used to consume... let's just say I used to forget all the cooties and hug it like it was my long lost sister. ::shiver!::
But! The drinks were cheap-cheap-cheap!
Ah! My life before marriage!
Humor-Blogs
Humor Bloggers dot com
FIRST
ReplyDeleteYour pre-married days of drunken abandon have enabled you to build up all the immunities you need to cope with workplace (lack of) hygiene.
You've nothing to worry about.
You'd be amazed at the bars I have found with the nicest bathrooms EVAH... you would never know it until walking through that SPECIFIC door, though.
ReplyDeleteAnd, heels? Pssssh. Honey, I'm 5'11" BAREFOOT, and trot around in 4" STILETTOS and still manage to hover - and not splash!! hehe...
Hope you took notes from all those pee comments, Bee. Might want to carry a can of Lysol in a holster when you go out so you can shoot those cooties!
ReplyDeleteI LOVE those shoes! You and I have very similar taste in shoes...I can't wear anything smaller than a 4" heel.
ReplyDeleteBut yeah, wearing 4" stilettos does make it hard to hover over a toilet. Especially when you are trying to hold your pant legs up at the same time so they don't touch the floor.
Sigh....using public restrooms is so difficult.
bathroom humor tends to be rather repulsive...
ReplyDeletebut just remember to thank your lucky stars every day you don't find that wiry hair staring back at you... or up at you.. .however you may be positioned.
Heck, sometimes you need that nasty toilet more than it needs you when you finally finish that drinking binge..
ReplyDeleteBut I tend to agree with Brian..
Once you've gotten over the pre-marriage boozing, you've developed so much "cootie resistance" that you shouldn't have any fear of the workplace bathroom.. (unless you work in some medical field.. then run for your life!!)
I have an SAS approach to certain skeevy public toilets. I take a deep breath, rush in, let rip, & I'm out in the bat of an eye.
ReplyDeleteGah...I forgot the conditions of the bathrooms I'd use back in my drinking and party days. It's a wonder I'm still alive today!
ReplyDeleteNOTE TO SELF: do not sit on ANY toilet following Bee.
ReplyDeleteThose shoes are to die for. Also, maybe you could invent in a "She-pee"? It would be sort of like a portable bag with tubing that allows for peeing. No, wait. That sounds gross.
ReplyDeleteThe worst are those industrial flush toilets that automatically swallow your waste down the hatch when you stand up to leave......thus leaving spray droplets all over the seat and the next person in line wondering if you're really a man who took a piz.
ReplyDeletePapi emulates that Karate Kid move when he uses a communal toilet. You know, when Ralph "Not Macho" Macchio is standing on that stump at the beach doing the crane thing? That's what Papi has perfected for his bathroom maneuvers.......anything to avoid toucing the vile seat.
ReplyDeleteGood Gawd I would fall and break my neck in those heels...but they are pretty
ReplyDeletewell, if you happen to be wearing a skirt that day, you can just stand with one foot on either side of the potty, lift the skirt & stand.
ReplyDeleteAnd hey---go ahead & try that. Let me know if it works out for you!
I take no responsibility for this suggestion if the pee runs down your legs & fills your shoes.
That's where you make the mistake.
ReplyDeleteIf a bar is called the Bedrock, its not gonna have a cartoony can, but instead the bathroom will look like it came out of the prehistoric era.
Am I right or am I right?
I used to be beverage consumer as well. I consumed many, many beverages and, like you, it lead to groping the throne.
ReplyDeletelots of cheap drinks can make anything tolerable--including toilets and MEN! :P
ReplyDeleteThanks for the linky loo. HA! Loo! okay, I'm done now. :D
What? You're butt has razor sharp claws and is full of hair? Yikes...
ReplyDeleteVE!!! WTF??? WHO showed you pictures??
ReplyDeleteBWAHAHAHAHA! You win the prize you weirdo!
I left a comment earlier and now it ain't there. a likely story
ReplyDeleteI've been in some airports where they have plastic over the seat, when you get up the part you were on gets pulled into a bag and shredded and new plastic replaces it. no germs on seat whatsoever
I'm all about those heels, too.
ReplyDeleteOh Bee!
ReplyDeletePractice makes perfect.
You wear those heels-- hover a few days-- and in no time.. you will be the most stylish hover this planet has seen.
:)
Hey, atleast in your pre-married drunken days you had bathrooms! We used to go out and drink in fields or by lakes (we were country people, we didn't have things like your fancy Flintstones bar) and we had to hover in the weeds to pee! There was once a poison ivy incident but I haven't had enough therapy yet to discuss that.
ReplyDeleteI love those shoes!
Brian:
ReplyDeleteThe stories I could tell...
Did you know that my blog is rated NC-17?
Larissa:
Ha! Wow! I'd look like a midget standing next to you! I can't balance myself over the bowl.
Deb:
Took notes, I'm prepared! :o)
Jacki:
I love them too! I cannot risk spillage on 'em!
Orion:
I have a pube story. I once walked in on a couple of women talking about how their cooch was going bald due to menopause. We as women suffer forever!
Jormengrund:
I had another bowl that was my best friend, it was at a Denny's. Good times.
Chris:
I don't want to linger, it's just more complicated for us chicks.
FADKOG:
Me too!
Dana:
Ha! I don't have cooties man!
Jenboglass:
The invented this thing called the Cone but um? Gross! ;o)
EWBL:
ICK! I hate those things! I ALWAYS get splashed!
Georgie:
They are my precioussssss...
Lainey:
Ha ha! Yeeeeah, I think I'll skip being your guinea pig!
Jinksy:
Yes, you're right but the drinks were cheap!
Shonda:
But they were goooood times! :o)
Sandy:
i seriously didn't care. I think I may have taken off my shoes a couple of times and walked around a-la Brittney in the bathroom. AARGH!
jean knee:
Hmmm the plastic freaks me out too. I'm just weird.
Grant:
Thanks! They only had a 7. :o)
Sara:
I work for an Ortho so I'm sure he'd fix my ankles right up!
Tracy:
Ummmm, alleys, fields, highways, backyards... nothing was off limits.