Monday, September 8, 2008

Hop on my time machine and go back with me to my awesome tens!


Remember yesterday? Or early today actually. Is that right? I'm doing 2 posts in one day? I haven't done that since the crazy wedding! Well, that was about 10 or so posts in one day. Okay, lets get back on track here.

Yesterday/Today/Whenever, I said I hadn't gotten many awards and low and behold Chris from Chris Wood's Blog (where else?) had started making an award for me about a year ago. And then I went and spoiled it by jumping the gun and demanding to know where my freakin' awards were. Just like a woman to ruin the surprise!

If you're asking why it took him a year, well, according to him, he is a "computer nana" I don't know what that means in U K-ish so I'm going with person with no index finger and opposable thumbs. Am I right Chris?
The comments on my award winning cheesefest were also pretty entertaining if you'd like to have a gander at 'em here.



Thanks Chris for signaling out the best of the best of the best, first!

I know you're all jealous because I'm so awesome and stuff but I wasn't always this awesome. It takes a lot of hard work and people mocking to become and remain this awesome.

Sometimes, ::whimper:: I toss and turn wondering who I should insult next and my worry is that my soul will go to heaven before I'm done.

If you're feeling a little low because you're not as awesome as I am, here's a little tale. Lets take a journey back and peek in on a 10 year old little Bee.

She was running home from school one day, happy as a cat in a milk factory, carrying her brand new crossing guard gear. She had just been accepted into the prestigious Crosswalkers (not crossdressers not streetwalkers PEOPLE! I was ten!) of America Club and was bursting with pride at being able to help the smaller kids as they cross the street. Keeping them safe from any danger. Her little life filled with a purpose-- ha ha! No! The truth was I wanted to be a crossing guard because we were excused early from class and we were given a free pass to come in late. Hello? I was a 10 year old trying to work the system!

What I hadn't counted on was having to get up at the butt-crack of dawn to be at my post before the little midgets made their way past it.

I had to be there half an hour early for nerds who needed to get to school and moisten their lips for their full day of butt kissing. WTF children! You should be at home watching the Thundercats!

So there I stood, in my snazzy crossing guard sash, ready to ferry the teacher's pets across the street. I never had any problems with older kids being snotty with me because I was 5'2 at the age of 8. I was actually taller than some of the older kids. (I stayed 5'2 so I stopped being a giant long ago)

Plus, I had a rep for punching first and investigating who the guilty party was later. No, just kidding! (no I'm not)

Two weeks in, I started getting tired of the all work no glory part of the job. Mornings weren't good for me since this was before I drank coffee so I had nothing to turn my frown upside down. Soooo I started coming in later than usual.

Then, one fateful day, as I was walking by someone's front yard, a big golden retriever started chasing me! I had to jump over fences to get away from this vicious beast but this meant I also had to do some back tracking which was making me even later.

Holy Donkey Kong! ( I didn't swear back then)(my mom was a very strict mom who would spank first and investigate who the guilty party was later)(hmmm I never realized how alike we were until now) where was I? Oh yeah, Donkey Kong--

As I was hustling to get to my post (I was a fast Chickie back then, always came in second to TC who had legs up to her ears), I noticed two tiny specs standing at my corner wearing the official crossing guard sashes. I don't remember what I thought at the time but lets pretend it was "WTF??"

When I finally got to my post, the leader of the Crossing Guards of Anonymous School was standing with another kid. He proceeded to lecture me on punctuality, dangers of unmanned posts, how there was a rumor that smoking caused lung cancer (just a rumor), etc.

I explained to him about the giant Cujo clone, how I had to jump from roof to roof... He had no sympathy because he was the king of the nerds and was power hungry at the age of 12/13 and believed in obeying the rules. He then said the most horrible words my 10 year old ears could hear "Your authority has been revoked, turn in your sash and bright yellow raincoat."

I took off my orange sash and refused their offer to help me cross the street. What an insult! I'm sure if I had been able to swear back then I would have walked away saying "Fuckers!" as it is now my very favorite of swears but back then I probably said "Dweebs!". I went back home with my little lip all frowny.

Don't worry, it all worked out in the end. I was able to wake up late and watch the Thunder THUNDER THUNDERCATS!

So you see, I too had a period of not being as awesome as I am now.

The reality is that I made up the Cujo dog attack so they could fire my ass and I wouldn't have to get up so early in the morning. What? Why didn't I quit? I ain't no quitter! A liar yes but a quitter NEVER!


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  1. Congratulations on your noble thing. Which one of the ladies is you?

    Thankyou also for they way that you almost sort of mentioned me in your acceptance post. You've no idea how that make's me feel (sob, sob)...

    "Nana" is short for banana.

    So the dog chased you, made you late, then ate your homework? That's a neat excuse. Is that what you tell them at work in the mornings, too?

  2. Congrats on the award. The post was cute as hell.

  3. Congrats on the award!!

    I'm now in a period of awesomeLESSness. I blame my kids.

  4. but I find awesomeness even in your crossing guard story. I mean, how many kids are smart enough to find such a creative way to be fired as opposed to just quitting? I loves me a devious mind! :)

  5. A much deserved Award, Congratulations Bee! Loved the story - I too was a crossing guard at about the same age, and for the same reasons, plus I wanted to be 'in uniform'. What a thrill that was, for about 5 minutes. Thanks for the memories.

  6. Some of the most prestigious leaders and award winners have learned over the years to work the system and, perhaps, lie. I think they like to call them fibs. I don't know who any of those people are, nor do I know anyone who uses the word 'fib'.

    Anyway, if I knew who any of those people were, I'd say you were in good company. However, because I don't, I'll say you're in a class by yourself, thus, super awesome. Awesome and noble.

  7. well, you finally begged yourself into an award.

    I'm not bitter

  8. Yay on the award! It's one of the more prestigious ones, no doubt. Well, of those that have the word "awesome" in them. Love your stuff. (I mean your blog...not your STUFF.)

  9. As a matter of fact, I DO have opposable thumbs (rumours to the contrary notwithstanding). However, I have webbed toes so I guess that kind of balances things out.

    I didn't spend the long lonely years it took to design that moniker just for you though, sorry. It will be awarded elsewhere, when the time is right etc. You just got it first.

    Bribes should be in denominations not less than $50. Hendrix memorabilia also acceptable.

  10. Brian:
    Ummm, I think two of them are dudes.
    I know where you’re going with your psychological analysis. You’re saying that I established a pattern of behavior early on in my childhood that determines my lateness for work. Well, you’re wrong Mr. Fraud because now I say I’m chasing my dogs as opposed them chasing me. Take that you nana!

    Thank you! I have a million whacked out stories that when I remember them make me happy I decided not to have kids. I’d probably have a Calvin (from Hobbs fame) terrorizing the whole neighborhood and Andy! :o)

    Thanks! When I see mud in my house, I blame your kids too.

    In junior high, I was talked into joining Chorus by the music teacher, I don’t think it had anything to do with my voice and now I’m wondering if it was because I was pleasing to the eye (REALLY THE SOUND OF MY SINGING IS LIKE TO CATS FIGHTING FOR A MOUSE), and I agreed because we would *perform* for other schools and practice so I got a ton of out-of-class time for that.

    Ah! A fellow CWG (Cross Walker Guard). My respect.

    Thanks! I’d forgotten I don’t lie, I FIB. Sounds better and I am a class onto myself but I think you and I share the same perch. ;o)

    jean knee:
    Darn tootin’!

    My STUFF is pretty nice too. ;op

    Listen Chris, you can tell yourself that the award wasn’t just for me all you want but the fact of the matter is, you have stumbled upon The Bee Show (similar to The Twilight Zone) where everything revolves around… ME. Did you not see my Noble Prize for Awesomeness award? Awards do not lie.

    I think you might be just a little jealous that this Awesome award for awesomeness was not awarded to you. Maybe next time?

    Glad to hear about the thumb thing and Brian cleared it up that it meant banana, I like it!

  11. Because I'm sucha a ninnymuggins I forgot to say that this comment "Ah! A fellow CWG (Cross Walker Guard). My respect." was in response to Bill.

  12. Crossing guards are like Sith Lords.


  13. Bee, I'll be honest I DO have a smidgeon of jealousy. I'm trying to influence the academy (ie me) as we speak.

    Money, Chris?

  14. Chris, I might be able to put in a good word for you...

  15. Sinister Dan:
    Why am I always being compared to a Sith? I'd rock the black and red outfit though.

  16. hey! why don't i have an award? i must suck.

  17. Wow! Fired at the age of 10! You are my hero!
    btw-"...person with no index finger and opposable thumbs." LMAO!

  18. Congrats there is a reason you got the Noble or is Nobel award-I too once knew 'Cujo' he was a scarey beast I tell ya!

  19. You proved your awesomeness then by refusing to be helped across the street. Yeah, screw the Man!

    Speaking of your award, what will it take for me to get that Evil Award of yours? I'm already eyeballing you for my special Magick Sandwich award. How evil do I need to get?

  20. Har! Love it!! Brings back memories of my crossing guard days as well...

    Congrats on an awesome award. And thanks for all the smiley love you handed out the other day. I have smileys!!!!

    Right backatcha.

  21. See, these are the kinds of things I missed because I grew up out in the boonies. We didn't have a need for crossing guards because there wasn't anything to cross. It was one road all the way through town. No stops or crossings.
    Of course, I wouldn't have wanted to get up that early to do that either. I mean, I have no idea who the Thundercats are but He-Man and She-Ra were my morning faves and I couldn't miss them for anything!

  22. Hey, are you ah....Geesh Bee you look so pretty....anyways so are you going to um....your hair looks really good too...pass that rocking award out to anyone?
    Do you have anyone in mind?
    I could help you think of so me one if you need help.
    Just let ME know!

  23. I'm SO jealous of you. First, you were able to jump fences (at least in your imagination) Second: You got a yellow vest at least for a while and Third: You've got 23 comments and here I come along and unselfishly make it 24.

  24. Leigh:
    No, you don't suck. We'll see what we can do. ;o)

    I aimed high!

    It is Nobel but as I always, I spelted it wrong. :o)
    Cujo just needed a hug.

    I know! How dare the mock me by offering to help me across the street?? I was THE CG of the year! Or you know, 2 weeks.

    RE, award. We'll see what we can do.

    I think so too! :o)

    I see all the cool people were CGs. And Thanks!

    He-Man and She-Ra were on after school for me. You were probably wathching re-runs cuz I'm soo old.

    You look good too, thanks! We'll see what we can do.

    Join the club of jealousy. It's also known as the "Bee haters club".

    Ha! For people that don't know about the Thundercats, the probably htink you just called me a HO. :o)

  25. Uhhhh, sorry. I can't help myself. It's "Lo and Behold," not "Low and Behold." I'm sort of an expert on this, unfortunately. See this post for more information, if you really wanna know why.

  26. Hey Tim, no need to apologize. When you’re smart you’re smart.


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.