Hop on my time machine and go back with me to my awesome tens!

So...

Remember yesterday? Or early today actually. Is that right? I'm doing 2 posts in one day? I haven't done that since the crazy wedding! Well, that was about 10 or so posts in one day. Okay, lets get back on track here.

Yesterday/Today/Whenever, I said I hadn't gotten many awards and low and behold Chris from Chris Wood's Blog (where else?) had started making an award for me about a year ago. And then I went and spoiled it by jumping the gun and demanding to know where my freakin' awards were. Just like a woman to ruin the surprise!

If you're asking why it took him a year, well, according to him, he is a "computer nana" I don't know what that means in U K-ish so I'm going with person with no index finger and opposable thumbs. Am I right Chris?
The comments on my award winning cheesefest were also pretty entertaining if you'd like to have a gander at 'em here.


WITHOUT FURTHER ADO-DOO

IN YOUR FACE BRIAN!

Thanks Chris for signaling out the best of the best of the best, first!

I know you're all jealous because I'm so awesome and stuff but I wasn't always this awesome. It takes a lot of hard work and people mocking to become and remain this awesome.

Sometimes, ::whimper:: I toss and turn wondering who I should insult next and my worry is that my soul will go to heaven before I'm done.

If you're feeling a little low because you're not as awesome as I am, here's a little tale. Lets take a journey back and peek in on a 10 year old little Bee.

She was running home from school one day, happy as a cat in a milk factory, carrying her brand new crossing guard gear. She had just been accepted into the prestigious Crosswalkers (not crossdressers not streetwalkers PEOPLE! I was ten!) of America Club and was bursting with pride at being able to help the smaller kids as they cross the street. Keeping them safe from any danger. Her little life filled with a purpose-- ha ha! No! The truth was I wanted to be a crossing guard because we were excused early from class and we were given a free pass to come in late. Hello? I was a 10 year old trying to work the system!

What I hadn't counted on was having to get up at the butt-crack of dawn to be at my post before the little midgets made their way past it.

I had to be there half an hour early for nerds who needed to get to school and moisten their lips for their full day of butt kissing. WTF children! You should be at home watching the Thundercats!

So there I stood, in my snazzy crossing guard sash, ready to ferry the teacher's pets across the street. I never had any problems with older kids being snotty with me because I was 5'2 at the age of 8. I was actually taller than some of the older kids. (I stayed 5'2 so I stopped being a giant long ago)

Plus, I had a rep for punching first and investigating who the guilty party was later. No, just kidding! (no I'm not)

Two weeks in, I started getting tired of the all work no glory part of the job. Mornings weren't good for me since this was before I drank coffee so I had nothing to turn my frown upside down. Soooo I started coming in later than usual.

Then, one fateful day, as I was walking by someone's front yard, a big golden retriever started chasing me! I had to jump over fences to get away from this vicious beast but this meant I also had to do some back tracking which was making me even later.

Holy Donkey Kong! ( I didn't swear back then)(my mom was a very strict mom who would spank first and investigate who the guilty party was later)(hmmm I never realized how alike we were until now) where was I? Oh yeah, Donkey Kong--

As I was hustling to get to my post (I was a fast Chickie back then, always came in second to TC who had legs up to her ears), I noticed two tiny specs standing at my corner wearing the official crossing guard sashes. I don't remember what I thought at the time but lets pretend it was "WTF??"

When I finally got to my post, the leader of the Crossing Guards of Anonymous School was standing with another kid. He proceeded to lecture me on punctuality, dangers of unmanned posts, how there was a rumor that smoking caused lung cancer (just a rumor), etc.

I explained to him about the giant Cujo clone, how I had to jump from roof to roof... He had no sympathy because he was the king of the nerds and was power hungry at the age of 12/13 and believed in obeying the rules. He then said the most horrible words my 10 year old ears could hear "Your authority has been revoked, turn in your sash and bright yellow raincoat."

I took off my orange sash and refused their offer to help me cross the street. What an insult! I'm sure if I had been able to swear back then I would have walked away saying "Fuckers!" as it is now my very favorite of swears but back then I probably said "Dweebs!". I went back home with my little lip all frowny.

Don't worry, it all worked out in the end. I was able to wake up late and watch the Thunder THUNDER THUNDERCATS!

So you see, I too had a period of not being as awesome as I am now.

The reality is that I made up the Cujo dog attack so they could fire my ass and I wouldn't have to get up so early in the morning. What? Why didn't I quit? I ain't no quitter! A liar yes but a quitter NEVER!

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