Wednesday, September 10, 2008

A very serious post about touching your bare ass to a stranger's.

Winter has descended upon the magical land of Chicago. Okay, it's not freezing yet but the evenings are now 45 degrees. For some reason, during cold weather, my trips to the bathroom are more frequent. Probably because I still drink a lot of water and wear my sassy open toe shoes.

Anyway, I held it too long today (no, I didn't pee on myself!) and commented how I hoped I could line the seat with TP before I had an accident.

I then entered that strange place that makes you forget everything... EVEN THE NEED TO PEE!

The ladies (women I work with) looked at me like I had lost my mind and asked me WHY I would line the seat...

Because I don't want anybody else's cooties?

Is everybody else okay with sharing dead skin cells from someone else's butt?

If you enter the bathroom right after your boss, and he's seen walking out with a magazine under his arm, it would be like touching your bare butt to your boss’ bare ass. Is that okay with you?

How about bumping bare buttocks with some random stranger who only showers on the 29th of February?

What if someone peed all over the seat and then cleaned it, do you think the germys disinfected themselves?

Why? Why wouldn't you take an extra few seconds to treat your butt with the pampering it needs?

I am seriously disturbed people! (I am not saying I'm a disturbed individual, I'm saying the toilet thing disturbs me.)


Humor Bloggers dot com

I realize that I just might have given you too much information about my peeing habits. No need to send me an email to complain about mental pictures.
If you still want to...


  1. Toilets are gross, but then that's why you wash your hands. Remember a study found that some office keyboards were dirtier, though.

    Try to avoid putting your hands anywhere near your face without washing them first.

    You could get one of those portable travel bottles, and use it instead. That would save you having to get up from your desk. In fact, Oz might buy one for you when you point out that it'll make you more productive...

  2. Oh, and try and avoid putting your face anywhere near the toilet, or keyboard.

  3. Off Brian's comment on keyboards, I've heard the average kitchen chopping board has more germs than the average toilet seat. Mind you, it's unlikely your boss has been rubbing his arse on your chopping board (although I'm not saying that's impossible).

  4. Why? Why wouldn't you take an extra few seconds to treat your butt with the pampering it needs?

    You are SOOO damned right, Bee. It's time to pamper the butt. Forget a few extra seconds. This is a call to arms from all the less favoured, overlooked, perhaps borderline obese butts out there that their owners don't tend to... those ignored masses that are not thought about except when it's time to pass crap and gas.

    To ARMS. Pamper it up. It's time to paper the toilet seat. It's time to get a blow-drier lower to the ground in addition to the one available for drying your hands. It's time for ultra thick cushioning undies. It's time to carry talcum powder, moisturizer and musk perfume specifically for that area. It's time to...

    Ok, I guess I got carried away. Time to stop.

  5. These are the times when I am SO UNBELIEVABLY GLAD that I frequented (and still do, on the ocassion I can cage the 2-year-old with another keeper) so many bars... I HAVE MASTERED THE HOVER!!!

    HA! Like I only do that in the skeevy places... ohhh no. Anywhere public, if I've got the time, I've got the stance. My ass does NOT need to get acquainted with ANYTHING that has touched that seat moments or even HOURS before *I* got there. Heh.

  6. I'm a champion squatter, too.

    Speaking of germs and grunge, you don't wear those sassy open-toed shoes on public transportation do you?

  7. I hover. My thighs are so strong now.

  8. I'm going to invent an extention that attaches to a girl so that she can Pee standing up.

  9. personally, i use the hover tactic tactic myself. no touching involved at all!

    plus, i'm sooooo jealous you have cool weather!!! it's still freaking 90+ degrees here. shit.

  10. Ewwwww.... I guess I shall have to start my thigh-strengthening exercises now.

    I definitely need to master the hover.

    Thanks for that early-morning reminder.

  11. it's slightly better for men of course, but I pee into the sink - you know, just to be safe ...

  12. What really cool... is when you walk in, you're about to open the flood gates and you spot a wiry little hair perched on the edge of the toilet.


  13. Dan, they already invented that. What was that thing called Bee?

    We used to have hoverers at work who would pee on the seat and leave it there. or they were really men in diguise.

  14. Jean Knee, that "thing" is it a penis? That's a man baby!

  15. excuse me a sec while I have a germ, cootie, gross out panic attack! Potties and so much more skeeve me out!

    btw, can anyone else relate to the major downside of being short? Namely that hovering is sometimes impossible! Dumbass tall toilets!!

  16. What you need for hovering is a jet pack on your back. Though don't let the jet point at the bowl, otherwise it'll get messy...

    Or maybe Dan could invent some antigravity shoes.

  17. Personally, I don't worry about touching my bare ass to a strangers. Before duty calls, I always give myself a "circle, circle, dot, dot" which I have heard is an effective means in preventing the spread of cooties.

  18. I like the jet pack idea. Like Connery had in Thunderball. I'm sure a simple, bag sized version of that could be marketed cheaply and easily.

  19. They say toilet water is cleaner than the faucet water from the kitchen sink..

    Just goes to show Bee! lol..

    I happen to agree with you though...I wont ever touch the toilet seat with my ass..

    I hover.


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  21. Guys are so lucky they can pee standing up! Hovering hurts!!

  22. yanno they need to come up with a lil purse sized spray kinda like purel for your hands for toliet seats for us girlies that look at a public restroom as a 1st class ticket to hell...yeah i feel your pain...

  23. Another hoverer here.

    As Brian said, 'wash your hands'...duh. But then think about it. You turn on the faucet, after someone else just came out of the stall and turned on the same faucet, pre-hand washing. So, you wash your hands and now they are squeaky clean. How are you going to turn off the faucet? If there are paper towels, you can just grab a few and use them to turn off the faucet. If all there is that hand blow dry thing (shoot the man that invented that), you're out of luck and you have to use your feet.

    For the rest of the day I will be trying to figure out what the "circle, circle, dot, dot" thing is that Sensei described.

  24. I use that anti-bacterial spray gel on the seat first, wipe thoroughly, then I line it with TP.

    I have such a phobia about public bathrooms, that when we are at a friends house and Emma has to use it, she will ask "Is this a public bathroom?"

  25. Just don't start watching Monk. It will only lead you to an even greater fear of the germies. :)

  26. ha, a penis, right. I always forget about those things.



  27. Here's the poop: pun intended:

    1) I never touch the door handle of the stall. I use toilet paper.
    2) I never touch the faucet handles.(everyone else has) use the paper towel for that, and another one for drying.
    3) never touch the handle of the door on your way out.(everyone else already did)
    4) pull your pants down, forward, hold them firmly then HIKE YOUR BUTT UP ON THE SINK AND PEE THERE. (everyone else will envy you)

  28. I have both seen and heard enough upon entering the crack den that is the women's bathroom at the store to know that I have the bladder control capabilities of an Olympic athlete. Assuming holding one's bladder was an Olympic sport. Let's just say I can drink like a camel and never enter a bathroom until I get home.

    And even that one can be questionable.

  29. I have an easy solution..

    Don't use the seat.

    Just lift it up, and pretend that you're a newlywed again.

    Then, you don't have to sit on the seat, and you can go home and yell at your hubby about forgetting to put the seat down all in one fell swoop!

    Isn't life and marriage grand sometimes?

  30. just do it standing up like how we guys do. sure you'd make a mess, but most guys don't bother putting up the seat or aiming for that matter so whats the difference? ahaha actually sometimes i wish there was a high voltage running thru the seat and the next guy who misses gets to say hello to a flash of lightning.

    anyhow, nice blog!

  31. Sensei's comment is hysterical. I forgot all about cootie shots. Man, I am old.

    So anyway, pee is gross, but also sterile, so it doesn't have any cooties really, and it does come in handy when a jellyfish stings you. However, I carry toilet seat covers (they make travel-size packs) when we travel with the kiddos, so maybe you should get some of those.

  32. Brian said (in the first comment that he didn't declare first in. Have we stopped that?) that, and I quote:
    Toilets are gross, but then that's why you wash your hands

    While that may be true, but I would just like to point out that there's a different part of your body that touches the toilet more than your hands. Like you ASS.
    Have you ever seen anyone as the sink washing their asses?

    I can't even sit on a lined toilet seat, I think it's because I worked in a grocery store as a teen and people do really terrible, unspeakable, truly disgusting things to the public toilets.
    I'm a hoverer.

  33. ***What if someone peed all over the seat and then cleaned it, do you think the germys disinfected themselves?***

    Trust me, women never do this. They are just pigs who leave the pee. I always go in after them and then yell WHO'S THE ASSHOLE WHO PEED ON THE SEAT?

  34. Line up and hover baby.
    That's the only way to go.

  35. As a man, I can pee standing up. (You're jealous, I know.) But as far as doing number two, well, I only shit at home.

  36. I can't imagine NOT lining the seat, especially in a women's bathroom, which is always more germy than the men's bathroom. Thankfully, I don't ever have to sit in a women's bathroom, and I rarely have to sit at all, outside my house. Small favors.

    And for Deb: The "circle, circle, dot, dot" thing is just a children's rhyme used when being given an imaginary cootie shot. Sorry if you are disappointed at finding out that this is the big mystery.

  37. As a side note, one of the reasons I don't have to sit on a toilet outside my house is that when I have to go, I just use a keyboard, like a normal person.

    Where do you all think all those troll comments across the Internet come from?


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