Friday, January 30, 2009

Ah, you thought cakes were only dangerous because they make your butt bigger...

Have you missed the fact that I haven't posted about Milton? Would you like a little Milton today?

As I've said before, sometimes I wonder if we are secretly being filmed by some far off extraterrestrials that get their giggles from us, the lesser beings (well, you guys maybe lesser but me? I'm a woman and a half which makes for difficulty in buying clothes). To those extraterrestrials I say "SCREW YOU!" and I say it in a shrill, obnoxious voice right into their mics so I may annoy the shit out of them!

Yesterday, day of the lord Thursday, also known as Treat Day or Social Thursday here at the Asylum, I made the innocent mistake of saying the following to Milton: "Yum!! Glynda brought RedVelvet cake!"


I know! How stupid can I be?? Why would that be the first thing I say in the morning? What happened to just plain ole' "good morning" and then a mouthful of shutty??

You see this prompted Milton to debate my saneness.

Milton: "Who brought RedVelvet cake? I thought you said Glynda."

I did say Glynda because she brought the cake.

Milton: "Did you mean Scarecrow? Because it's her week to bring in treats and Glynda isn't on the rotation to bring treats so I think you meant Scarecrow."

No, I meant Glynda—

Milton: "Why would Glynda bring in treats? That just doesn't make sense! Are you sure it wasn't Scarecrow?" [and she stood up as if to emphasis what I dumbass I am for getting two completely different people mixed up]

Glynda brought the cake because—

Milton: "Scarecrow. You mean Scarecrow." [and she gave me that look that shows she is trying her hardest not to lose her patience]

Hey, how about you let me complete sentence? GLYNDA BROUGHT A CAKE FOR HER BIRTHDAY!

Milton: "Glynda's birthday? [she blinked about 20 times] Scarecrow brought a cake for GLYNDAY'S birthday?"

No. Glynda bought herself, Glynda, a birthday cake because tomorrow is her, Glynda's, birthday. No to Scarecrow. NO TO SCARECROW. NO TO SCARECROW!!!

Milton: "Is Scarecrow still bringing cheese and crackers??"

At the end of the fuckin day I was calling Scarecrow Glynda and vice-versa. Maybe I was wrong and don't really know everything? Maybe I'm really Milton?



Thursday, January 29, 2009

Sometimes, my meetings with OZ are all about bloodsucking ethereal creatures.

Last Friday, I had my usual meeting with OZ. Well, it wasn't really *usual* because for some reason, the topic of vampires came up.


He found out I had seen Twilight and he asked me what I thought. I gave him my movie review and then he started asking me all kinds of weird questions about vampires in general.

OZ: "Do they posses super human strength?"

Bee: Yes

OZ: "They can sense things we can't, right?"

Bee: Usually, since they have super heightened senses.

OZ: "Do they read minds?"

Bee: Uhm, depends on what book you're reading.

OZ: "Can they travel through time?"

Bee: Well, not that I know of…

OZ: "Can they fly?"

Then Glynda chimed in: If they turn in to bats and fly off.

OZ: "Don't be ridiculous! That's a myth, Glynda!"

Bee: Uh well back to so-and-so's account—

OZ: "That's a myth about the bats, right?"

Bee: I think so? In the Vampire Chronicles, Lestat didn't fly, he kind of just went really fast so it looked like he was flying.


Then about their weaknesses

OZ: "Does Holy water burn them?"

Bee: Ummm I can't remember.

OZ: "They can't come out in daylight, right?"

Bee: Well, in Blade they did only they wore sunblock SPF 5000

Then he asked me how to kill a vampire

OZ: "Do you burn them?"

Bee: If you get close enough you'll probably be dead in no time.

OZ: "You'd have to chop their heads off right?"

Bee: Not me, I'm all squeamish when it comes to blood.

OZ: "What about their bodies? Wouldn't their bodies come after you?"

Bee: Poke the eyes out of the head that way they can't see wear you ran off to.

OZ: "I heard the stake through the heart was a myth"

Bee: You do know that VAMPIRES aren't real, right?

But now I'm wondering if he knows something I don't know. Is he secretly hiding a vampire in his basement? It would be just like him to have something cool he doesn't want to share with the world!

Anyway, I'm hoping we don't talk about Zombies this coming Friday because not only do I not know anything about them but those bitches scare me!

Also, now you see why I call this place Arkham Asylum, the leader is the head loon.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I need Beyonce to SHUT THE F*CK UP!

Okay, I know everybody has different tastes in music and who am I to criticize since I still listen to PolyMarch. The difference is that I do so in the privacy of my own home, when nobody else is around... and the blinds are drawn. (and if you clicked and listened to it, you're probably thinking I'm less cool than I was yesterday)(but I'm still cooler than you) (well, maybe not)

Anyway, I can explain away Country music but Beyonce is working my last nerve! I'm twitching and shaking from sheer over-Beyonce-ness. She is on my radio station every hour on the hour, she is on my TV with her cheesy cable commercial and now she is in movie previews.

Look, I know she made it big with that Oh-Oh Oh-Oh booty dance thing but does every. single. song. after that have to be the same? Last year it was that song that declared the guy's belongings were "to the left- to the left- to the left" now it's "if you like it better put a ring on it- if you like it better put a ring on it- if you like it better put a ring on it". I'm sorry but that video is horrible! I thought it was a spoof.

Beyonce, do you know how many words are in the English language? There's about uh... 15,000 x 45,124,478 carry the carrot... well a lot. Granted, I don't know many of those words myself but I'm poor so I can't hire somebody to write stuff for me.

If you have nothing to say, stop repeating yourself because it makes you sound like you either have dementia or a speech impediment- you either have dementia or a speech impediment- you either have dementia or a speech impediment.

See how annoying that is?

Beyonce fans, I don't apologize because it needed to be said.

In other news,I see brother Dan finally put up his picture for "Bizarre/Weird WTF-was-I-thinking? Picture day". I wonder if we were better off, as a society, before he did.

Go check out the rest of the pictures if you haven't already.


Brian, Beyonce is a singer. You may click here for more info. I wouldn't though.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

"Bizarre/Weird WTF-was-I-thinking? Picture day"

My sister and I were shopping one evening and she needed to make a quick stop at Walgreen's. Since it was 10,000° below zero (Neptune is getting a tad jealous that we're taking its "Planet Instant Nippie Freeze" title)), I decided to stay in the car and wait. Her comment before going in was "I'm sure you'll be okay because the car parked

next to us seems to be owned by a Christian." her theory was based on the Jesus fish and the bumper sticker reading "I found Jesus, have you?"

My response was "I'm sure I'll be safe IN SPITE of it!"

I kid, I kid.

So she went inside and then I noticed this spectacular sticker on the driver's side door:

carweirdpic carweirdpic2 carweirdpic3

Now, we can all agree that I'm 100% badass, right? What would you say if I told you a cold shiver went up (and down) my spine?

jesus is cool but...

I was all "Nancy, get the hell back over here because I DO NOT want to see what kind of demento is driving that car!"

She came back and then said "Stop exaggerating! It can't be that—OH SHIT!!"

And then she blew 3 red lights just to get far away as fast as possible. (Just kidding coppers. No traffic laws were broken in the real life events that transpired.)

Anyway, that was mine.

Some peeps sent me their pictures so here they are:

Here's Speedcat Hollydale's Golf Boots:

speedy Golf Boots
I laughed until my cheeks hurt!

Then we have NCS' @ Mas Cowbell submission with her Mexican Loteria. We were trying to figure out what kind of message this image was trying to convey because if you look at it, the colors are similar to the virgin of Guadalupe which is kind of disturbing… or is just me that's disturbing?

ncspic vg

Ummmm here is one from Unfortunate Names but I have censored a portion of this because well, you do not need to see where his finger is!

unfortunate names

The rest of the people playing are (some of these might be up later in the day since I do believe peoples have lives):

Suzy @ Hollywood: Where Hot Comes to Die

jean knee @ put some polka dots on it

Magpie @ Mine by Magpie

Tricia @ Papercages

Queen Goob @ This is my life... so be it

Nooter @ Nooter the dog

(Brother) Dan @ Dan, the People's Blogger If he doesn't have one up, please mock him. He deserves it!

Tracy @ Rambling thoughts of the never ending mind

Dizzy Mom @ The Dizzy Life of Me

Chat Blanc @ Wit's Bitch

Unfinished Rambler @ Unfinished Rambler

Jaffer @ Mania Ravings shows us the Marlboro Man

Practically Joe @ Practically Wisdom (go with caution)

And if I missed your name, please please let me know because I'm trying to put this together while Andy, the dogs and the fish are having a sparring match! I think Andy is losing. ;o)

Sunday, January 25, 2009

"Bee n' Andy: Married and sometimes, still in love..."- Avalanche






I am including my "storyboard" so you can see what Andy has to deal with. He asked me if I wanted the comic strip to be based in the future this week and when I innocently asked him why: "I thought that's what the spaceships were for!"


I frankly don't know what he's talking about.


I've gotten emails and comments regarding the picture thing which is cool! Sorry I haven't responded but my mom has been a handful. I thought I had my pantry pretty stocked but then she asked for beans and I haven't bought any since the kitchen fire disaster so... yeah.


Some you may have missed:

"Bee n' Andy: Married and sometimes, still in love..."- Miscommunication.

"Bee n' Andy: Married and sometimes, still in love..."- Save the Electrician first!

"Bee n' Andy: Married and sometimes, still in love..."- Behind the scenes.

"Bee n' Andy: Married and sometimes, still in love..."- Revenge of the nerd.

Friday, January 23, 2009

It started as a happy post but somewhere down the line it turned somber.

My mom arrives today after a long long long long absence.

When I talked to her yesterday, she gave me a list of DEMANDS things she wanted prepared for her when she got home. She said she would be tired so cooking was out of the question and I was all "but maaaaaaaa!!" what could I do? She just had surgery and her traveling started at 5:30 am with transfers and layovers all over the world. I can't believe that in this day and age we can't have a plane fly directly from Chicago to the airport near my grandparents' house!

Anyway, her flight arrives at 6:40 pm and she said she wanted a Portillo's cheeseburger for dinner, the temperature in the upstairs to be at 68°, she didn't want any visitors until Saturday and could I please put a Vanilla Coke in the freezer about 10 minutes before she got home?

Sure sure. All these things and more I would do for her. Andy and I even stayed up late last night to clean my house so we wouldn't get yelled at for the mess we lived in since she left in early November.

It's funny because Andy and I were giddy with delight and practically dancing while we did our chores as if we were auditioning for the next animated Disney movie entitled "Cinderella escaped but cleaning is FUN!". (well, I was grouchy and yelly because I hate cleaning but under the bitchy exterior I was giddy). The goat meat she brings every time she comes home will have to wait until tomorrow but tonight, tonight I shall have nice dreams since my world will be back to normal!

By the way, I now this post is cheesfest galore but I just can never stop talking about how much my mother means to me. She sometimes wants to go back to work but I couldn't even imagine some asshole being mean to my mother. Even if it was her boss.

I remember when she still worked in a factory and they treated her no better than a piece of shit stuck on a shoe. I'm glad we can provide for her and not have her out in the work world where people think less of her. She's had enough of that in her lifetime.

No need to comment, this was just for me.


Wednesday, January 21, 2009

My computer did a flipdeedo and then we Dosey-doed. Also, join my new picture thing.

So… you know how I've been saying that my work computer is all virused up and I blame the terrorists? Well, I was taking a nice long drink of my coffee and listening to one of Milton's endless stories about her socks (AGAIN!) when my screen went black and then came back up… something was different but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.


It looked a little off center I guess but since I always have my head tilted to the right, it didn't really hit me that it had rotated!

I quickly grabbed my cell phone to take a picture of this bizarre phenomenon and then brought everybody in the office to marvel at the cool things my computer can do when nobody is even touching the keyboard. Ooh! Ahh!

Then, after the novelty and the hahas wore off, I was left extremely pissed off because I didn't know how to fix it! I clumsily restarted the damn thing and it came back on still looking ass-sideways. So I called the tech guy aka Tin-Man and he scratched his head and said "what a pickle you've gotten yourself into!" and I had to remind him that I do not get myself into pickles... they kind of just land on me with no warning.

After he hemmed and hawed he left saying he had no clue and had to go help out with a surgery. Chump! I'm more important than some guy whose leg is hanging on only by one nerve!

Nobody knew what to do until I used my picture viewing savy and tried "ctr alt up-arrow". I don't know what the technical term is but I'm calling it the "Alice in Wonderland Special".

Fuckin terrorist and their powers over my computer!

Also, Andy has a man cold (poor little bunny!) which translated means he has been at (--please picture William Shatner saying this) the. brink. of. death. every second of every day since Saturday.

He thinks that his little bitty sniffles excuse him from being quiet while I'm doing silly things like SLEEPING. He must let the world know how much it hurts him to cough because if he suffers we. must. suffer!

In other world news, we should welcome Dizzy Mom from The Dizzy Life of Me to the blogworld. She started her blog just this weekend. In her honor, I would like to host a "Bizarre/Weird WTF-was-I-thinking?  Picture day".

What is that? You may ask. Well, my nosey friend, we bloggers will sometimes come across something we think is the monkey's bananas that might make a great post so we take a picture. Then time passes and you either forget about it or decide it's lame so it remains sitting in the dark recesses of your computer never to see the light of day.

For example, I took this picture and thought I was going to do a WHOLE post about how we're all going to hell but then Christmas passed so now it's too late.


It has to be a picture you or your husband/wife/mom/dad/girlfriend/boyfriend/dog took since we don't want to just regurgitate the same old-same old pictures we all get via chain letter emails.

You know which ones I'm talking about, right?? The ones that have been circulating since 1892?

Anyway, email me if you'd like to participate with a link to your blogs so I may post your links here. The year you took the picture doesn't matter.

The letting me know deadline is Sunday and I'm thinking we can post our pictures on Tuesday January 27th. Remember, blogger gives you an option to POST DATE to whatever date your heart desires. This means you can do the picture post ahead of time and then just put it to post on the 27th.

Come on! Please? Don't leave me hangin'! (Brian) I think it'll be fun and hopefully generate some traffic to your blogs from people wanting to see what sick demented things you guys took a picture of but decided against posting.

Don't give me any excuses as to why you can't play because I will take your excuses, throw them on the floor and then stomp on them with my size sevens! Okay, I won't stomp 'em. I'll just be sitting in a corner feeling sad and singing Air Supply.


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

What's in a name? And other remarkable things that happened today.

So... something big happened today! Did I say "big"? I meant huge, ginormous, momentous, uh hold on while I thesaurus it... grandiose! That's right ladies and gentlemen, today was not an average day for I, your faithful spewer of stuff, has become an aunt for the third time!!

Please welcome Sophia Inez! (Well, that was her name as of 7:00 pm anyway because my brother keeps changing his mind. I hope he doesn't go with his other choice because it was OPHELIA! The hell you say!):

sofia inez

I get the best of both worlds, my sister and brothers keep having babies and I can spoil them and still keep my girlish-stretchmarkless figure!


Okay, I guess something else happened today that I should mention.

Years to come, kids will be reading in their history books about the first Black President and I for one feel a sense of pride that it happened in my lifetime. I've tried to keep my blog free of THE SERIOUS topics. You know, the Jonas Brothers, religion and especially politics but I have to say that I heard his address to the country and it did make me hopeful for our future. Not so much for my sake but for the sake of my nieces and all generations to come.

Our country needs something to aspire to and it's time to kick the old-school assholes out of government and replace them with people who are not living in the last century. I have hit the blogisphere today and have come across sites that are basically saying it will take more than one man to change the world but I think they're missing the point. It's not ONE man that needs to change the world, we need to work to change it together.

I know it may sound naive but I frankly don't give a shit. ... ... And now you know why I don't talk about politics.

Anyway, as I was watching the recording of the Inauguration, I came across a couple of interesting thing. First, what's with the cowboys?


That dude at the bottom right hand corner looks like Aaron Spelling. (He's dead so I'm pretty sure that's not him.)

And then when youngest daughter Obama stood behind the bulletproof glass:

littlegirlobama littlegirlobama2

Okay, I never said I was very mature!

While watching the Inauguration, I was also on the phone with my grandfather (who lives in Mexico) and we were discussing the events of the day (new baby and new president) when he started yelling "Close the door- close the door! It's gonna get out!!"

It seems a goat had gotten loose and decided to make its way to freedom. The freakin thing was terrorizing the store they have in the front part of his house! My grandfather has the greatest laugh I have ever heard and he was doing so when he said "These goats are getting more uppity! It was heading straight for the beer fridge!" then he said "don't worry, that's the one you'll be having for dinner when your mom gets home."

Mmmmm chivita! I know, I know, I'm such a barbarian.

Transcript- Barack Obama’s Inaugural Address

Obama inauguration: Words of history ... crafted by 27-year-old in Starbucks

Monday, January 19, 2009

Has anybody seen Chewbacca?

Do you remember when I did this post saying I had swallowed a spider that I was relocating to my terrarium because I thought I had squished the resident terrarium spider in a statue moving accident?

You don't remember?? That's okay, I think I just filled you in.

Anyway, it turns out that I might not have squished the first spider as suspected because I saw one in there the other day. I'm happy but a little sad that I made a snack out of spider #2 for nothing.

Anyway, as I was putting the last of my Christmas ornaments away, I found I had forgotten to put Han Solo on my tree this year. He was hiding in a box labeled LL Bean shoes for men which we all have to admit was a great hiding place. I was a tad upset because I've put him up every year since we got him. Then I had a brilliant idea! To ensure I don't forget about good old Han again, he will now be guarding the gardens of my terrarium. I'm sure he'll keep the squirrels from getting my nuts. Both literally and figuratively.

han protects my nuts

I want to thank all of you traitors who voted for Gran Torino and took Andy's side. No really, thanks. Can you believe it only won by 2 points?? It was a great movie and I'm glad I went to see it.

Now, I'm not much of a movie reviewer if I like a movie I just do. I don't sit there and analyze why. For that same reason, I never take into consideration what movie critics are saying about a certain movie to make my decision. I give you as an example "Sideways" this is what Ebert had to say "Miles is the hero of Alexander Payne's "Sideways," which is as lovable a movie as "Fargo," although in a completely different way." Ebert is entitled to his very well paid opinion but while I loved Fargo, Sideways was one of the worst movies I have ever seen. And I sat through The Women (another bomb) (if somebody asks you to see that movie with them, ask them why they hate you.).

So yeah, go see Gran Torino.

Well, see ya guys later, I need to go put away my freakin' laundry!


Friday, January 16, 2009

The economy has hit your favorite blog! No, not that one! THIS ONE! We must take action! Or you know, have some hot chocolate.

So... I was chilling at work thinking about my Friday meeting and flipping off my computer for doing a flippydeedoo (I'll tell you guys about that another day) when I noticed somebody had arrived on my blog via The Fantasy Blog Stock Market. Imagine my surprise when I saw my blog was listed on there and the valuation was B$173,405.74 which is Greek to me because I don't know what that means... yet!


Anyway, it was currently "owned" by some dude named Rene Franco and my initial reaction was khhrmmm 'WHAT THE FUCK???" which I am ashamed to admit to now.

Then Charlie from "Where the Hell Was I" talked me down from my homicidal ledge and told me it was a harmless website. So I went back and did some clicking and investigating and I found out my Stock Blog is on a decline!



What does that mean?? I don't know but it did make me frowny in my happy place. (:'o(

I mean, that looks like a Kamikaze Skater's dream!

Don't worry, I'm sure I'll be okay... maybe

In other news. Andy and I are going to a movie on Sunday. We're having a loving disagreement as to which one we should see. Gran Torino (bleh!) with Clint Eastwood or Paul Blart: Mall Cop (yay! yay!) with Kevin James. Since we can't remember who chose the last movie, we can't come to an agreement sooooo I am taking a poll which I have placed up on top there. Up there. See it? Okay good! Now vote for Paul Blart: Mall Cop! Please?

I'm still on THE FACEBOOK Bees Musings and my blog is Bee's Musings so add me and stuff.


Some of you may have seen this post early because my jackass self hit publish too soon. Ha ha!


Thursday, January 15, 2009

Well, I guess that's the end of the line for this blogger.

Scarecrow, the x-ray tech here at the asylum who thinks she knows all, just said “I hear that the bloggers are having a field day with Blagojevich”

I nearly spit my coffee because I didn’t think anybody here knew what the hell a blogger was so I asked “Yeah? Which bloggers specifically?” she rolls her eyes at me and says “It is a group of many people on one website. The website is The Bloggers. There are no names because they choose to stay anonymous.”

I had to stop myself from laughing while I asked “Really? One big group of people on one website? Do they talk about anything else other than politics? Like maybe life? Or ooh! Poop??”

She looks at me like one would look at a person who just did a post about poop “No Bee. They only talk about politics.”

Oh. Okay. Where do I turn in my blogger badge?

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

When was the last time you shared the adventures of your lack of bowel movements with the world?

Okay, you guys know how shy I am right?? I mean, how I don't like sharing my personal life with the world? ::snicker::

Something odd happened to me yesterday. Well, not odd uh I would say more along the lines of "...the fuck??"

Now, I must warn you, if you are faint of heart and have crazy gag reflexes, this post is not for you.

You see, for the past few days, I have been having stomach issues. Hold on there sparky, don't jump ship just yet because I am not going to go into any gory details.

The past few WEEKS days I’ve been in somewhat of a bluesy mood. You know, singing sad songs about my life and those around me? I’d sing a little bit for you now but I really don’t want you to become obsessed with my voice. Anyway, a couple of things have suffered because of the moody feelings I’ve been having. I haven’t been sleeping as I should, eating as I should DRINKING AS I SHOULD because I can’t seem to turn off the worry button in my brain. I mean, I think “Yay! My mom comes home January 23!!” but then I feel so upset with the fact that she will come home to her house still looking like total shit.

When she left I promised her she’d be come back to brand spanking new digs but then the buttholes at my insurance company took forever, the banks gave us the run around and then we had the reflood the Saturday after Christmas (which was like having a picnic on the back of smelly gorilla).

Andy and I have been working on it but it seems like a never ending undertaking. The majority of the walls are gone and he and his brother removed every door and door jam (I would have helped but I'm deathly afraid of splinters). We’ve been treating the walls and then sealing them with, uh, super duper sealing stuff but this past Saturday it hit me, we are so fucked.

Her kitchen walls and cabinets still have to be removed, the whole tiled bathroom has to be gutted, we have to rent a dumpster and she will be home in 9 days. NINE DAYS! The part that has me so unfuckenbelievably upset is that she’ll be disappointed at the lack of progress. It makes me feel this small.

Added to that, when the flood happened, I told her not to worry, she’d have new things and her home would be better than it was before. I said those things to keep her spirits up and not sinking into a depression but the amount we received won’t cover the replacement of all her things.

I know how that sounds, it’s just material things and at least we’re all healthy, things could have been worse etc. Yes, I know all that but I can’t help the way I feel. We are talking about the one person in the world who would do and has done anything for me and we can't get our shit together.

... sorry...

That was a special little cleanse. Speaking of cleanses, back to the purpose of this post!

Due to all the stress, my body has reacted in a way I never expected and gone down an uncomfortable road... one I’ve never been on before. I haven’t been able to… you know… go poopsie. ::blushes::

At first I blamed Nooter because I thought it too much of a coincidence that this ailment is now making it’s home in my bowels after reading about his issues but I was told it’s not contagious. Especially via the webisphere.

After a week of suffering, I decided to ask Glynda (she’s back to just plain Glynda) who is a nurse so she knows about such things. Little did I know the next few minutes would be like a scene out a demented sitcom.


I was wondering if you knew of a natural way that would help with constipation.


Prune juice does wonders and I also heard Activa helps but that takes about 14 days to regulate you so I’d recommend the prune juice.

[in walks semi-retired doctor Mr. Rogers]

Mr. Rogers:

Everything okay?


Oh, Bee was just asking me what would relieve constipation.

Mr. Rogers:

I eat 2 prunes with breakfast myself. Keeps me on track!

[walks out]


If you don’t like prune juice you can always go with prunes, they're more tastey. Maybe you should start having Activa on a daily basis even if it does take 14 days…

[in walks Milton]


I have Activa everyday and the first time I had it, it worked immediately for me. Who wants to try it?


Oh, Bee was just saying how she’s constipated.

Milton then goes on with nonsense talk for a few minutes so Glynda leaves and in walks Toto in time to hear:


… but prunes definitely work.


Who needs to explode?


Bee is having issues with her digestive system.


I gave my husband prunes after his surgery worked like a charm!

[in walks PD]

Toto: [to PD]

Didn’t your husband have problems with his bowel movements after his surgery?

Yes, it was because of the Vicodin but I gave him prunes—


There you go! Eat some prunes and you’ll be hitting the toilet soon there after!

As you may notice, I only have one sentence in this bizarre play because I was freakin speechless!!!!!!

Every time I went to use the ladies’ room they would ask “Well? Did you do it??”

Does anybody like talking about their lack of pooping adventures?? I don’t think so! Oh wait…

So I called Andy and asked him to stop at the store and buy me some prunes. Why did I ask Andy? Because me and grocery stores do not get along.

Andy couldn’t find the prunes at the first store he went and was too shy to ask. He was successful at the second store. Yay!

When I got home from work, he stood by the counter and showed me the prune prize, uh, not what you’re thinking m’kay? He then asked “How many do you have to eat?”


I don’t know. They just went on and on about me eating prunes but they never said how many.


Are there instructions on the container?


I don’t think there is. How weird would it be if it said, ‘if you are having trouble going poopy, eat 6 prunes and you’ll be unplugged in a flash!’.


How many are you going to eat then?


Six sounds about right.

Then he stands there while I’m eating them and decides to try one. Then he has another one and then another one… I gave him the hairy eyeball because I don’t need to be fighting for the bathroom! (yes we do have 3 bathrooms but neither he nor I like using the other 2).

I made dinner (if you can call opening a can of soup and then heating it up, making dinner) and sat down to eat. I felt a thunderstorm going on in my tummy so I went to the loo. As soon as I walked out, Andy started with his chant “did you go? did you go? did you go? did you go?” ::sigh::!

To make matters weirder, I got this email.


Soooo does anybody have any suggestions? Go ahead and ask everybody you know and then tell them Bee has pooping issues. Everybody else seems to know about them.


Monday, January 12, 2009

Is it too early for a "behind the scenes" or "the making of…" ??

I wanted to share with you guys what Andy has to put up with when we're thinking about what we'll post on Sunday Comics "Bee n' Andy: Married and sometimes, still in love...".

Usually, he asks "What do you want me to draw?" I respond with something vague like "well you remember that one thing that happened that one day when you pissed me off??" Andy looks at me in confusion "Member? That we laughed about?" still no comprehension on his face "::sigh:: when the beans made fire and I yelled for help and you went to open the backdoor?" then he understands and his next question is "Okay, what do you want on each panel?" then I'll stand up and do charades while I'm talking.

"Okay, in the first one you should show me at the stove [I mimic me at the stove sautéing something] but in the background I'll make a bubble showing I hear you and Tazz arguing [I cup my hand to my ear while I'm still mimicking sautéing] then the second panel shows me saving you from Tazz [I mimic pulling at something which I guess could be Tazz] then the third panel shows the fire and you see me going like this [me making 'Oh Shit' face] and we see you walking into the kitchen and then the last panel shows you leaving with the dogs but I don't know how to imply you are running away to safety. You know?" then I did an interpretive dance to People are Strange from the awesome Doors, sat down and I was all sweaty and my beloved husband asks "can you sketch it out for me?" and then of course I think to myself "if I could sketch it out, I'd be doing the whole thing buddy!" but I do sketch it and this is what I come up with:


So he looks at me and laughs but doesn't say anything else until he is going to actually draw it.


"Bee, what is this squiggly line right here?"


"That's you babe"


"Can you show me what about this squiggle would indicate it's me?"

Gah! I have to do everything around here!

Anyway, as I told Tracy, I didn't want him to draw me as a fantasy Bee, you know, all tall and voluptuous.


censored for your protection.

I wanted him to keep it more real. Besides, if he would have drawn me like that, I'd constantly be asking him if he was fantasizing about Cartoon Bee and I'd be jealous of myself and wanting to kick my own ass. I don't need that type of stress.

I hear where Tracy is coming from though because who wants to see a frumpy housewife in a blog? You'd much rather see a sex kitten all naked with hair all scattered about her.


And if that is how you picture me, I am not one to argue since that's how I feel in my head. But I haven't looked like that in oh I don't know 5 years? If you are now thinking about the fact that that's within the timeframe of mine and Andy's marriage and are now making a connection on who is responsible for the downfall of my figure, you would be correct! The nachos have nothing to do with it! It's all Andy!

I know the hair will change in the cartoon and once I get my new contacts, I'll probably not be wearing my glasses much so that will be different too. The cartoon us will have changes in clothing since he usually draws us with whatever we're wearing at the moment. What I'm trying to say is we will probably evolve more as we continue with the Sunday Comics. Andy has refused the idea of a boobchin so stop asking (you men know who you are!)! I will however try to talk him into a sombrero but I really don't look good in hats. And now you have more information than you ever needed.

In other news, I am now on THE FACEBOOK. Well, I had an account from a long time ago but I didn't do anything with it because it seemed complicated... until today. Brother Sergio talked me into logging on and looking at his pictures.

So, if any of you who are on THE FACEBOOK too and want to be my friend, go here-> Bees Musings and do the voodoo that you do so well but don't ask me for how tos because I have no clue... yet. Facebook better watch its cookies once I know my way around it!

Anyway for my blog, here is the linkadink... I think? Bee's Musings @ Facebook.

This concludes another uninteresting insight into my psyche.


Sunday, January 11, 2009

"Bee n' Andy: Married and sometimes, still in love..."- Save the Electrician first!






You guys may have recognized this story from when I posted it under the disguise of "How to start a kitchen fire in 5 easy steps.". You know, when Andy tried to let me burn while he headed for safety? I mean, it wasn't enough that I had just saved him from Tazzer the Carnivorous or that I was trying to cook him dinner!


No, that picture on the "5 easy steps" post is not my kitchen. I was more worried about saving my house than taking a picture of the fire that was about to consume my cabinets.


Yes, this cartoon Bee got a haircut.


When I asked him why he drew my boobies!! me so dangerously close to the stove, he said that is how close they are in real life. So, me being me, I went and stood by the stove and yes indeedy, my bazoombas were in fact in mortal danger that day. AND I NEVER EVEN REALIZED IT! You'd figure he would have wanted to save those at least.


Thursday, January 8, 2009

You know that question parents ask their kids "If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?" How many of you said yes? I jumped off a high mountain, does that count?

So the other day I went to say 'hi' to NCS on her blog and she was all bragging about her skiing abilities. I misquote "I'm awesome at skiing because I have awesome balancing skills and great hair, don't even try to be better at skiing than me because you will FAIL."

I told her my goal was to be the worst, laziest skier on the planet so the joke was on her. Then I told her I'd tell my skiing story after I ate my spider pie.

Here it is ladies and gents, the sordid, embarrassingly sad, details:

Back when I was a cool and happenin' disco (as Brian and jean knee say)(that's what they call clubs) chick, my friend Brenda thought it was a good idea to introduce me to the magical wonderland that is Skiing or as I refer to it "why in the hell would you want to freeze your ass off when there is a perfectly good lodge with hot guys and booze right over there?"

Being from California, skiing was just not something I ever thought about doing. She encouraged me by saying "you'll be fine, it's just a matter of balance!" uh I'd like to state for the record that, yes, my balance was good enough to keep me upright and helped in my learning to walk days but I never attempted to walk on slippery surfaces with butter-knives attached to my tootsies.

But hey! I was about 21-22 so I thought I was immortal why not try skiing?? Sonny Bono hadn't died yet so I had no idea how dangerous it could be.

We went to the local sports store and loaded up on cute outfits, warm socks, a ski jacket (just made sense to buy an expensive jacket for a first time adventure) and a polar bear. How did I pay for all that on my Chicken Joint salary? I had just gotten a new credit card in the mail and I had to pay for all that crap in the years to come. Bastards.

My dear friend Brenda and her friend Leslutty decided to teach me on the "bunny slope". Listen, if that fuckin thing was a bunny slope, my butt is really the same size it was in high school. That was an Elephant slope as far as I was concerned.

These were their instructions to me. AND I AM NOT KIDDING.


If you want to go left, you go like this [moves body to the left] if you want to go right you go like this [moves body to the right] and if you want to stop you go like this [extends arms, digs weird pole things into snow and crosses her skis].


Yeah. Totally. [exhales a cloud of toxic smoke in my direction. Bitch.]


Oh, okay. What can go wrong with those easy instructions?

Lets stop right there and examine that statement m'mkay?

Just because instructions are easy, doesn't mean:

A) they are right

B) they should be followed

C) you won't need hip/face/back replacement surgery when you're done

and the hidden

D) you shouldn't have your fuckin head examined for having friends who want to kill you. In public! In front of children!

elephantslope So I peer down the Elephant slope and Brenda says "ready? Go!" and because I always do as I'm told… down I went.

Now you will hear my inner thoughts because I remember exactly what I was thinking as if it were yesterday.

"Cool! Man, I must be doing about 30 miles an hour! Yeah! I am so balanced and look how straight I'm going with the proper knee bendyness! Wow looks like I'm headed for those pine trees! Uh, what did she say if I wanted to stop? Oh yeah. Cross skis. … How do I cross my skis they are just not cooperating. Where's the brake lever?? Ummm danger Will Robinson?? Danger. DANGER!!! OH HOLY FUCKIN SHIT! HOW DO I STOP??"

My friend Brenda, who is an excellent skier and I hate her, appeared alongside of me yelling stuff which I interpreted as "keep going you're doing great!" but in reality was "why the fuck aren't you stopping?".

So, I did the thing that I do best. I took matters into my own hands and threw my body backwards. So that I may fall and therefore stopping me from hurting the beautiful pine trees.

Now, I'm not sure if you are familiar with physics and I have to admit to only learning what I needed to to graduate and then replacing those things with images of Brad Pitt, but when you are going at a high velocity and you decide to throw your body on the slippery ground, this means you will be dragged around like a rag doll until:

A) You hit a big boulder

B) Hit a big tree

C) Hit another skier

D) run out of ground and just plummet off the face of the earth

but really it was

E) My ass was just too heavy to be dragged any further.

When I finally came to a stop, and was able to detach my legs from my ears, I dusted myself off. Stared at the long way I had gone and said to my friend Brenda "yeah, that was fun but you know what's more fun? Shooting rockets out of nose! How about I wait for you guys in the BAR WHILE TAKING SHOTS OF TEQUILA TO MAKE ME FORGET lodge?"

Now, you'd think the story would end there, right?

People, you would be so wrong.


Okay but why don't you go up the ski lift with us and then just come back down the lift?

Well hell! What a great idea!! I can have a nice view of the tops of the pine trees and watch people going down the mountain!!! Brilliant!

So we get on the ski lift, "ooh, pretty" "ahh peaceful" the next thing I know, I feel the chair jerk, see my "friends" on the slopes and then the lift completely stops.


In case you hadn't caught on by now, a person that goes up the ski lift must EXIT the ski lift at the TOP. There are no "ifs ands or buts" about it. Those are the rules. Would you like to know where my skis were? Why sitting right next to me of course! Why would they be on my feet if I'm not going to ski anymore! Silly rabbit!

To my horror, amidst cries of "what the hell are you doing? jump!" from the people in the chairs behind me, out of the little control shed comes this gorgeous, and do I mean drop-dead-knock-out-we-should-give-his-mother-a-standing-ovation-for-producing-such-a-mouth-watering-man, muscular guy in just a sweater and jeans who asks me to throw my skis on the ground and jump into his arms. Because I'm about 7 feet off the ground.

skiinstructorI hesitate since I don't want to be the one responsible for squishing the life out of this magnificent creature. He extends his arms and says "I'll catch you" ::dreamy sigh:: so I jump. Talk about trusting someone with your life. Talk about being a modern day Hercules. Talk about how red my face must have been!

He caught me, gently put me down, grabbed my skis, asked me if I was okay, left me with the mountain police (2 guys about my age) and then went back into his sparkly castle. ::dreamy sigh #2::

The mountain police were okay to look at but they were no match for the guy who held me in his arms. No match.

Anyway, there were only 3 ways off that mountain. You skied down it, out of the fuckin question. You rolled down it, I obviously didn't have a good rolling chance, maybe now but not back then. You WALKED down it. In ginormous ski boots. With drifts up to my waist.

Oh yeah, I forgot to talk about the ski boots. I am 5'2 and at that time was a way smaller size than I am now. Not telling you what size I am now since it's really none of your business and has no relevance to this story. The boots were up to my knees (rented thank god because I would have beat myself if I had bought a pair) and I felt like I was hauling around giant iron beams.

As I was being escorted down the side of the mountain, my two body guards were telling me I should get new friends. That was the best idea I'd heard all day. They also asked me where I lived, did I have a boyfriend and all that other stuff but you don't need to hear about that.

I waited for my "friends" in the lodge and had already made quick friends with the bartender and a few other people by the time they came inside, I also had a lot less brain cells IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. Did I mention it was night skiing?

There you have it NCS. Next time you are swooshing down the mountain, think of me having a Kahlua and cream mmmmm while sitting in front of a nice warm fireplace. Minus the hot guys. Now I only have one hot guy. You know, in my memories. ;o) (kidding babe, you know I meant you)


Don't forget about coming over for our Sunday Comics "Bee n' Andy: Married and sometimes, still in love..." completely illustrated by Andy.


Wednesday, January 7, 2009

But deep down, we're still normal. Deep, deep, down. Deep, deep... bring a flashlight.

So… Magpie became engaged a few days ago. Her story is sweet, emotional, and oh so romantic. I told her I was going to share mine and dedicate it to her. I had originally written my engagement story for Marie @ Memarie Lane but I'm posting it here.

For some of you who have been watching in horror the relationship between Andy and I, it may come as no surprise to you that our engagement was anything but romantic. Our ceremony wasn't presided over by a prestigious priest or rabbit or a suave captain of a ship. Our reception did not consist of fancy shmancy table linens or a suave captain of ship moonlighting as a DJ.

Because of my parents' horrible marriage and my lack of faith in men to keep it in their pants and not go around showing it to anyone with boobies, I never wanted to get married. I would have been happy living with a special someone until he or I headed for the big garden in the sky but Andy had other ideas.

We were planning on moving in together around October of 2001. Our furniture was on layaway and we were paying it off and had a savings account where we were each putting money in for any odds and ends we might need in the future. You know, like hard hats and stuff?


We had discussed marriage –somewhat– but Andy, sensing how skittish I was about the subject, would drop it and we'd talk about sports instead. Yup, I'd rather talk about sports than getting married. Then one day, he stopped by my house and asked if I wanted to go for a walk. Here is the story I wrote for Marie:

The Engagement

It was a brisk sunny day in late March when a young couple (the man was young, the woman had some years on her) were walking hand in hand through a park close to her home in Chicago.
He was nervously staring at the ground as they walked, wondering how he would broach THE subject. She was happily smelling the scents of the changing season, wondering why she didn't have a fireplace in her home. How much would it cost to have one installed? Crap! Bees! Isn't it too early for bees??

real life picture of that fateful day

He told her to sit on a stone bench so they could talk. She sat and squinted at the setting sun.
He cleared his throat, coughed. She kicked the dirt around her. Both lost in their thoughts and unaware of what the other was thinking. The differences in their personalities clear to those who knew them.

So um I was thinking...

A bee! Crap! Is it on me?? Is it?? [standing up twirling this way and that]

No! It flew away. Calm down you big baby!

Dude, if I get stung I'm going to pinch you so hard you'll lose consciousness and wake up being cuddled by homeless Bill.

Shhhhh! Listen!! Anyway, I was thinking we should get married.

... ... um, okay.

The Wedding.

Andy lost no time.

He had us going to get our marriage license that weekend and then scheduled us at the courthouse for their first opening.
Monday April 16, 2001 @ 11:30 AM. M-O-N-D-A-Y.

So we headed downtown and were sitting with other weirdo whack jobs waiting their turn. There was one couple who looked to be in their 40s and he was wearing a tuxedo shirt and she was wearing a little veil and holding a plastic bouquet. Me? I was wearing jeans and a blue sweater. I have no idea what Andy was wearing but I'm sure he was just as casual.

Our name was called and an anonymous person signed as a witness and off we went to see the judge. The judge was a nice man who asked us if we wanted the long or the short version. I don't remember which we picked but he went on and on about circles and eternity and life and love but all Andy and I could do was giggle. Yeah, I was 28 and should have been more mature about the whole thing but here I am 36 and all I can think about is Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire.

We left with our little certificate and got back on the blue line (train) then took a bus to my house where Andy had left his car. We then met his mom and brother at Baker's Square for lunch. My new mother in law paid. Thanks Mom R! ;o)

The Reception.

So that was in April, right?

Since it was too cold to have a friends and family party outside, we decided to wait until July to have our little *reception*.

On July 14, 2001 we were joined by people who cared about us and others that tolerated me for a nice little backyard shindig.

My dress was $45 bought on clearance and he wore khakis and crisp white shirt.


The highlight was hanging out with the people I cared about most in the world and not having too much pressure or attention focused on me.

The lowlight was my dad, drunk out of his ever lovin' mind, telling people what a bunch of ingrates for children he had. Good times.

That was in July of 2001.

As husband and Wife.

Andy and I did not live together until October of 2001. You read that right. Plans could not be changed. We couldn't pay off our furniture before then and the people living in the upstairs apartment were not leaving until then. There was no way I would move in with his parents, seriously my father in law would drive me apeshit my first week there, right Mom R? And Andy could not move in with me because I shared a room with my sister Nancy and that would just be weird.

When we finally moved in together, six months after we got married, we had no bed for a week because the mattress people had messed up and had the delivery date for a week after we moved in. Soooo he slept on the couch and I slept on the love-seat for the first week of us living together. For reals, yo.

The Saturday they delivered our mattress, we had our good friends, we will call them Lark and LarryAnn, come over for a fun game of asshole. This game is not about trying to figure out who the biggest jerk is. It's a card game about strategy and skill. Oh, also the object is to get the lowest person on the wrung drunuuunk! Ahhh we used to love that game! What a great excuse to get completely hammered and then keep crashing into doors.

The first night we were able to sleep in our very first bed as a married couple, we were so wasted we passed out. The killer was waking up at 6 in the morning and trying to slide off the insanely tall bed. I thought I was having my dream where I'm falling but at the same time floating in space. Having slept in a twin bed my whole life, that gimondo bed took months to get used to.

So that is our story and we're stickin' to it till one of us gets eaten by Tazz. Congrats, Magpie!


Tuesday, January 6, 2009

How does that song start? A lady swallowed a spider then a bird...??

So, I have an awesome terrarium where a spider used to live and eat the little gnats. I think I accidentally killed it by moving a statue because its webs are still full of those petrified little gnat bodies.

I found another one in one of my plants so I went to make a transfer. I had it on a stick and went to blow but I inhaled first. I think I swallowed it!
What do I have to swallow next?

I also wanted to clear up a couple of misunderstandings. No, I am not really mad at Diesel. And! I set up accounts under my friends and family with their permission. jean knee feeling violated was a total coincidence.

Seriously though my throat feels scratchy!
Nancy stop laughing!

Monday, January 5, 2009

Ramblings Pros and Cons on voting for Diesel from Mattress Police who is currently in the running for Humor Blog of the year.

***Hmmm I think I have a point in there somewhere, can you guys tell me what it is?

So... it has come to my attention that Diesel from Mattress Police is in the running for Humor Blog of the year. While I would really like to vote for him, and I do want him to win, this poses a huge moral dilemma for me.

You see, he, Diesel from Mattress Police who is currently in the running for Humor Blog of the year, and I are mad at each other at the moment. He's a little wee bit annoyed at me for screwing with his voting system and I'm a lot annoyed with him for banning my laptop from voting at Humor-Blogs.

I mean sure, I opened multiple accounts for my friends and family* so that I may take the responsibility and hassle of them voting for me on a daily basis off their hands and carried the burden on my own weary shoulders but that's only because I am a selfless humanitarian. Why he, Diesel from Mattress Police who is currently in the running for Humor Blog of the year, would get so mad and reset my blog to zero is beyond me.

To be honest with you, I lost a little respect for Diesel, from Mattress Police who is currently in the running for Humor Blog of the year, because it took him so long to find out.

It's not like we're living in Xanadu or Holland where people are always all lovey dovey and blond. I seem to remember a scheme to boost our standing on Blogcatalouge (misspelled on purpose) but the ADD most of us suffer had that plan going to pot. I really shouldn't say most of us since I do have the ability to focus on a goal and make it mine. That's how I landed my Andy. I sabotaged and annihilated my competition for his affection.

While I feel horrible for all the work Diesel had to go through to try and stop people like me, I am not one to repent. When I play any games with my family, I always warn them up front. If there is any chance I can cheat/bend the rules I will do it. Nothing personal but that's just how I roll. Of course, this means nobody ever wants to play any type of games with me since I even cheat at Pictionary for shitsake. Whatever man, I can always play with myself.

As I was having my internal debate, I went to LOBO's site and noticed he is demanding I vote or die. I normally listen and do everything LOBO tell us to do but here I'm at a crossroads. I really do like to live but Diesel doesn't even swear. I'm not sure if I want my votes (because you know there would be more than one) to go to a guy that fakes the word FUCK by doing this "f*ck". What the hell is that? PG is what that is! P-fuckin-G!!

Then, I remembered Diesel's posts from 2008 that had made me laugh. There was his Something Fishy This Way Comes, Terminator vs Highlander post, Ask Diesel About Language Stuff post, This is not a compendia of erratum post, where he tells people how dumb they are...

Not to mention the fact that, hello!, the name of his directory IS Humor-Blogs so it would stand to reason his blog would win Humor Blog of the year. Plus he is very funny. And he has been coming over and leaving me comments and he does sound like Hugh Laurie in my head…

Okay Diesel, I forgive you! I am casting my votes for you.


Now, some of you will be pissed at me and say "What the hell Bee?? I thought he was your mortal enemy!" and such. No, no. I have no mortal enemies.

I just have two columns when dealing with people. People I tolerate and people I don't. Except for my BIL's ex-girlfriend, Mulee. She is in the "If I ever see her and she says anything to me I will vaporize her with my evil stare" category only reserved bugs.

Others will ask if I'm kissing ass and while that's okay for you to think that while your kissing mine, I'd have to disagree with you though because this here is my blog.

But most of you will sit there on your comfy chairs and ask "So?"

And also? I really don't have morals but I'm sure you already knew that.

*I think y'all have to re-sign up for Humor-Blogs so you can vote for me if you want. No pressure.


If you didn't already, check out Andy's awesome drawings in our first ever Sunday Comic Strip.


Brian, you don't have to vote if you don't want to. (reverse psychology at its finest!)