Tuesday, January 13, 2009

When was the last time you shared the adventures of your lack of bowel movements with the world?

Okay, you guys know how shy I am right?? I mean, how I don't like sharing my personal life with the world? ::snicker::

Something odd happened to me yesterday. Well, not odd uh I would say more along the lines of "...the fuck??"

Now, I must warn you, if you are faint of heart and have crazy gag reflexes, this post is not for you.

You see, for the past few days, I have been having stomach issues. Hold on there sparky, don't jump ship just yet because I am not going to go into any gory details.

The past few WEEKS days I’ve been in somewhat of a bluesy mood. You know, singing sad songs about my life and those around me? I’d sing a little bit for you now but I really don’t want you to become obsessed with my voice. Anyway, a couple of things have suffered because of the moody feelings I’ve been having. I haven’t been sleeping as I should, eating as I should DRINKING AS I SHOULD because I can’t seem to turn off the worry button in my brain. I mean, I think “Yay! My mom comes home January 23!!” but then I feel so upset with the fact that she will come home to her house still looking like total shit.

When she left I promised her she’d be come back to brand spanking new digs but then the buttholes at my insurance company took forever, the banks gave us the run around and then we had the reflood the Saturday after Christmas (which was like having a picnic on the back of smelly gorilla).

Andy and I have been working on it but it seems like a never ending undertaking. The majority of the walls are gone and he and his brother removed every door and door jam (I would have helped but I'm deathly afraid of splinters). We’ve been treating the walls and then sealing them with, uh, super duper sealing stuff but this past Saturday it hit me, we are so fucked.

Her kitchen walls and cabinets still have to be removed, the whole tiled bathroom has to be gutted, we have to rent a dumpster and she will be home in 9 days. NINE DAYS! The part that has me so unfuckenbelievably upset is that she’ll be disappointed at the lack of progress. It makes me feel this small.

Added to that, when the flood happened, I told her not to worry, she’d have new things and her home would be better than it was before. I said those things to keep her spirits up and not sinking into a depression but the amount we received won’t cover the replacement of all her things.

I know how that sounds, it’s just material things and at least we’re all healthy, things could have been worse etc. Yes, I know all that but I can’t help the way I feel. We are talking about the one person in the world who would do and has done anything for me and we can't get our shit together.

... sorry...

That was a special little cleanse. Speaking of cleanses, back to the purpose of this post!

Due to all the stress, my body has reacted in a way I never expected and gone down an uncomfortable road... one I’ve never been on before. I haven’t been able to… you know… go poopsie. ::blushes::

At first I blamed Nooter because I thought it too much of a coincidence that this ailment is now making it’s home in my bowels after reading about his issues but I was told it’s not contagious. Especially via the webisphere.

After a week of suffering, I decided to ask Glynda (she’s back to just plain Glynda) who is a nurse so she knows about such things. Little did I know the next few minutes would be like a scene out a demented sitcom.


I was wondering if you knew of a natural way that would help with constipation.


Prune juice does wonders and I also heard Activa helps but that takes about 14 days to regulate you so I’d recommend the prune juice.

[in walks semi-retired doctor Mr. Rogers]

Mr. Rogers:

Everything okay?


Oh, Bee was just asking me what would relieve constipation.

Mr. Rogers:

I eat 2 prunes with breakfast myself. Keeps me on track!

[walks out]


If you don’t like prune juice you can always go with prunes, they're more tastey. Maybe you should start having Activa on a daily basis even if it does take 14 days…

[in walks Milton]


I have Activa everyday and the first time I had it, it worked immediately for me. Who wants to try it?


Oh, Bee was just saying how she’s constipated.

Milton then goes on with nonsense talk for a few minutes so Glynda leaves and in walks Toto in time to hear:


… but prunes definitely work.


Who needs to explode?


Bee is having issues with her digestive system.


I gave my husband prunes after his surgery worked like a charm!

[in walks PD]

Toto: [to PD]

Didn’t your husband have problems with his bowel movements after his surgery?

Yes, it was because of the Vicodin but I gave him prunes—


There you go! Eat some prunes and you’ll be hitting the toilet soon there after!

As you may notice, I only have one sentence in this bizarre play because I was freakin speechless!!!!!!

Every time I went to use the ladies’ room they would ask “Well? Did you do it??”

Does anybody like talking about their lack of pooping adventures?? I don’t think so! Oh wait…

So I called Andy and asked him to stop at the store and buy me some prunes. Why did I ask Andy? Because me and grocery stores do not get along.

Andy couldn’t find the prunes at the first store he went and was too shy to ask. He was successful at the second store. Yay!

When I got home from work, he stood by the counter and showed me the prune prize, uh, not what you’re thinking m’kay? He then asked “How many do you have to eat?”


I don’t know. They just went on and on about me eating prunes but they never said how many.


Are there instructions on the container?


I don’t think there is. How weird would it be if it said, ‘if you are having trouble going poopy, eat 6 prunes and you’ll be unplugged in a flash!’.


How many are you going to eat then?


Six sounds about right.

Then he stands there while I’m eating them and decides to try one. Then he has another one and then another one… I gave him the hairy eyeball because I don’t need to be fighting for the bathroom! (yes we do have 3 bathrooms but neither he nor I like using the other 2).

I made dinner (if you can call opening a can of soup and then heating it up, making dinner) and sat down to eat. I felt a thunderstorm going on in my tummy so I went to the loo. As soon as I walked out, Andy started with his chant “did you go? did you go? did you go? did you go?” ::sigh::!

To make matters weirder, I got this email.


Soooo does anybody have any suggestions? Go ahead and ask everybody you know and then tell them Bee has pooping issues. Everybody else seems to know about them.



  1. No advice about the bowel issues, I'm afraid, or on how to shift the weight of the world off your shoulders, where it doesn't belong...

  2. I recommend Smooth Move tea. It tastes like any herbal tea. One cup at bedtime, one poop in the morning.

    I read recently that in times of economic crisis the laxative companies do really well.

  3. A good cup or two of coffee does it for me everytime, and I take codeine a lot!

  4. People say fennel tea helps. Enema? Maybe colon blow like the SNL commercial.

    Anyways Bee! I like these bowel posts. I'm making lincoln log cabins in my pants! Good luck!

  5. LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!


    okay, now that i've done the point and laugh, i'm okay.

    as for you, umm... try eating McDonald's that usually works for me within 20 minutes.
    Oh, you said something "natural" didn't you, umm...

    nothin' i got nothing.

  6. Oh, sweetie. I'm still laughing at "go poopsie". You poor thing. Hope everything comes out OK. Go easy on those prunes!

  7. I would eat a bunch of cheese and not drink any water, and then I would order that product you got the email promotion before. However, I don't want to know how they know for sure you (and by 'you,' I don't actually mean 'you') could lose up to 30 pounds by using it. I just hope it doesn't involve weighing the poopsie.

  8. Just be glad you don't have IBS... it's either one extreme or the other. FUN STUFF. And lucky me... it tends to pair up with my Fibro. Gah!

  9. I couldn't keep from laughing even now. Pooping may not be contagious via the web, but laughing about it is. Not that I'm laughing at you, just at your poopy, ok well shit (no pun intended) Didn't mean it like that. lol

    um if you drink Pepsi.. or any soda for that matter. I find that drinking a 54oz fountain drink in under an hour has me screaming for the john only a little while later. That could just be me though.

    If anything else, just keep your feet up and push like a 'mutha.

  10. Yes, I'd recommend a bad takeaway too. Or laxatives. I dunno ...

    But at least you don't find constipation a great thrill, a natural wonder and the subject of many hours' exciting conversation. I've met people who do.

  11. I'm stunned.

    Only one recommendation for an Enema?

    One nice warm Sits Enema, and you'll be gushing, and I _do_ mean GUSHING to go!

    After all, when old folks at the nursing homes can't regulate, that's what the nurses do to help clear everything out!

    Maybe you can get Andy to volunteer to help? It's pretty close to something like cleaning out a gutter, only not quite.....

  12. Brian:
    That’s why God invented Tequila. ;o)

    Smooth move tea!! I’d forgotten about it! I think I still have some from when we did the lemon diet thing.

    See, coffee does not have that effect on me at all. I must be defective. ;o)

    Yuck dude! TMI!! (:op

    Eat Mickey Dee’s?? What, are you trying to kill me??

    I hope everything comes out okay too! :o)

    Mmmm cheese! There was a cheese delivery truck that rolled over yesterday. I told Andy I was heading over there with some bread and a Foremen grill. ;o)

    I hear IBS can be a B I T C H! :o(

    Ha ha! Well, I’m glad it made you laugh. :o) I have never felt the urge to go after drinking soda. Thank God!

    You mean unlike this post? ;o)

    Yeah, you know those vows people take? We didn’t tke them on purpose because I will not touch his feet and I’m sure he will not help me in the enema adventures.

    The only time I ever want to hear the word enema is when The Joker says it in Batman “This town needs an enema!” are we clear?? Well, I’m sure you guys are clear, me I’m still a little bit ummm not-clear.

  13. I suddenly have this image...

    15 midgets carrying "queen" BEE around on her shiny porcelain toilet, and they're all chanting..



  14. Orion:
    15 midgets?? Fifteen midgets?????? FIFTEEN MIDGETS??? Are you calling me fat? ;o)

  15. My mother always swears by papaya! *shrugs * i just eat it 'cause I like it.

    Also... oatmeal! To make it yummy i add brown sugar and Craisins (or regular raisins). From time to time I'll throw some nuts in there like walnuts or toasted slivered almonds. MMMMMMM!

    Seriously! It's pretty good and usually works for me.

  16. absolutely NOT bee, that was NOT A FAT JOKE... after all.. most of a woman's fat is in her breasticals and according to a recent statement overheard in some work environment or blog atmosphere... you froze those off!!!!

    and besides... you're a Queen Bee right?!?!?!, the more drones beneath you carrying you around, the more powerful you are...

    ..now that was slick... wasn't it.

  17. Ceci:
    I love Oatmeal but my mami isn't here to make it for me ::cries::. I am not a fan of papaya. Jicama I like. mmmm

    Nice moves! :op

  18. I usually don't give such advise in a blog post....but this issue is near to my heart. I'm in the medical field and feel most things that are wrong with people are related to poop!! Here's my 2 cents for what it's worth.

    Why does Activa work? because of the probiotics in it. The probiotics in the yogurt are very mild and low dose, that's why is takes so long to work. You can actually buy probiotic pills and take larger doses, up to 50 billion units!! (safely) and have "results" in a day or two. Good probiotics have both lactobacillus and bifidobacter in them and usually need to be refrigerated, to keep the microbids alive!!

    Probiotics make the GI tract happy and things happen naturally....no cramping, bloating, diarrhea or other such nonsense.

    Seriously, people should "go" at least twice a day to keep a healthy GI tract!!!

    Good luck and happy pooping!!

  19. Beeeee, I have asked more then once if you need help, what can I do? Demo? We can't really fix the downstairs until Spring. So are you saying the pruna didn't work?

  20. CJ:
    Thanks. Seriously! I used to go twice a day now I'm just sad. :o(

    Yes you have. Unfortunately we seem to be unable to coordinate a schedule that satisfies everybody and we can't wait.
    And the spring? Yeah right!

  21. I guess some subjects shouldn't be brought up with co-workers. I wonder if the bats there will offer up some type of gift basket for your troubles tho. I wonder what could be in that?

    Any suggestions?

  22. The way my Mother use to make prunes is to boil then in water to make then soft. She had the same problem. Just cover the prunes with water cook until they are soft. When they are cool eat them and drink the juice (water) they where cooked in.

    Mom R.

  23. babe:
    I don't even want to think about it!

    Mom R:
    Thanks!! I am going to try that right now!

  24. I know the reason you keep turning me down is that I have the girls, but maybe I can get a sitter from church? Maybe if we time the baby's naps or something?

    If not, then I guess I'll just keep bringing you some home cooking :)

    Oh yeah! I also bought you some of those sweet prunes they've been advertising, I'll drop them off in ten min. I'm kid free for an hour or so!!!!!

  25. So one month after I started dating my husband, we went to mexico...I do not poop when on vacation ever...especially with someone I just started dating. However, and this is how I knew he was the man I would marry...I was regular, more regular then ever before. He however got some form of Montezuma's revenge...although it was not grey and foamy, which was good. And that was probably the last time I was *NORMAL*

  26. Go Lean Crunch works wonders for me

    if that doesn't work go straight to Hobby Lobby, it works the poopsie right out every time

  27. Hey, don't you have a third floor? You could have Andy carry your mom up and down the stairs til spring.

    think how ripped he'll be by then.

    oh sorry, I shouldn't have said ripped hee hee

  28. Bee

    Have you ever eaten off an ape that DIDN'T stink?

    Don't think so.

  29. OMG your problem reminds me of the King of the Hill episode when Hank was constipated

    I hope things are running smoothly now (pun intended) if not try Percolace.. its non-prescription.. but Pharmacist keeps it behind the counter.. just make sure you are ALWAYS near a toilet

    Ironic emails are a bitch aren't they?

  30. try beer! try at least 3 beers! then give it a day.

  31. "Are there instructions on the container?"

    LMFAO. Instructions? Still LMFAO.

    Drink a whole bottle of Mylanta and you'll shit like a fire hose... for 12 hours.

    Stumbled this.

  32. I guess I need to make it worth your while for reading to the bottom of these comments.

    My recommendation is that you stick the expanding wand of a Dyson DC21 Stowaway™ up your sphincter and hit the on button. Then put the vacuum cleaner out on the curb.

    Think of it as a fun present for an over acquisitive neighbor.

  33. Drink lots and lots of water, get some exercise... (that's the doctor part of me talking)

    ...and if that doesn't work, eat a bran muffin and drink a Dr. Pepper (regular, not diet) (that's the sister-of-the-brother-who-shares-way-too-much-information part of me talking).

    Don't forget to bring your reading material into the bathroom.

  34. I dunno how I found your blog but this post made me chuckle. Though I do feel bad for your issues and wish I could offer you some help. I'm of no use though, I've not had to deal with constipation since I was a little kid. Good luck though!

  35. I'm ashamed to admit that, while I don't like to talk about my.. going make issues, I do have some advice on the subject.
    If the prunes didn't work, you could go to your local pharmacy or grocery and buy a bottle of "Magnesium Citrate ORAL Solution Saline Laxative". It kind of looks like a little bottle of soda and even coins itsself as the "Sparkling Laxative". It comes in two flavors, lemon lime and orange, but you have to drink over half of it and expect to be near the bathroom for the rest of the day.
    See why it helps to have a friend who was once a nurse and who's hubs is a doc?

  36. I have the...go make-ing.. problems because of all of the MS medications I'm on. Just another perk of this wonderful disease.

  37. For some reason, the wee monkey has making problems too and I tried the Activia thing with him. Nothing happened until one day when I was gone and he was with his father and his father let him eat five or six of them at one time.
    It really worked then!
    The Hubs called me while I was still out and yelled "He won't stop double deucing! What do I do?"
    I said to keep changing his diaper and not to feed him his yogurt for the day.
    He said "Um...he's already had like six of them."
    I told him to have a good time and went back to my child-free day.
    Small Blessings!

  38. Drink a large amount of cheap domestic beer. Does the trick for me every time. ;)

  39. Hey!

    dont blame me lady i got enough problems of my own. im ok now thanks for asking. was watching the human clean up my old poop from the backyard and when he finished and put away the shovel i suddenly had the urge to go, funny how that works.

    for you i recommend andy to jump out of the bedroom closet in the middle of the night screaming and waving a hatchet above his head. if that dont scare the shit out of you then maybe you need surgery. you havent swallowed any of your chew toys lately have you?

  40. Try Magnesium citrate. You can buy it in the drugstore for like $2. It comes in a bottle and tastes sort of like sprite. DON'T drink the whole bottle unless you REALLY want to go.

    It works like a charm ... it's the first step doctor's recommend in doing a colon cleanse before a colonoscopy. TMI? ;)

  41. Okay, I'm going to come off like a complete lush here and I'm really not, but vodka and cranberry. Together. For some reason that seems to jump start things.

  42. Well......if you didn't poop your pants after eating six prunes, I don't think even Starbucks coffee will work.

  43. omg thats sooo funny!! Nice to have the opinions of 45 people you didn't ask :)

    Activa actually has a yogurt that has prunes in it. But if I'm blocked up I usually eat a bowl of cornflakes. Works every time, and doesn't taste like old people (which prunes do. And yes, I lick old people).

  44. I would say go with the prune juice. A few years ago, i had problems so I decided to drink prune juice. I drank a glass and felt nothing, so I drank another and nothing, another and nothing until I realized it was all gone. I went to bed upset swearing at the prune juice because it didn't work. Middle of the night, I suddenly open my eyes and find myself staring at the ceiling trying to figure out why I suddenly woke up. Then I feel it and hear it-a really bad case of stomach rumbles! Run to the bathroom quickly, and yes! Walking back to bed, made a quick u-turn and back to the bathroom...

    I guess my point is, drink some (or all) the prune juice!

  45. That is awful! I can't imagine being the subject of such a conversation.

    That being said, I told Nooter to go with coffee. So, like, ditto.


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.