When was the last time you shared the adventures of your lack of bowel movements with the world?

Okay, you guys know how shy I am right?? I mean, how I don't like sharing my personal life with the world? ::snicker::

Something odd happened to me yesterday. Well, not odd uh I would say more along the lines of "...the fuck??"

Now, I must warn you, if you are faint of heart and have crazy gag reflexes, this post is not for you.

You see, for the past few days, I have been having stomach issues. Hold on there sparky, don't jump ship just yet because I am not going to go into any gory details.

The past few WEEKS days I’ve been in somewhat of a bluesy mood. You know, singing sad songs about my life and those around me? I’d sing a little bit for you now but I really don’t want you to become obsessed with my voice. Anyway, a couple of things have suffered because of the moody feelings I’ve been having. I haven’t been sleeping as I should, eating as I should DRINKING AS I SHOULD because I can’t seem to turn off the worry button in my brain. I mean, I think “Yay! My mom comes home January 23!!” but then I feel so upset with the fact that she will come home to her house still looking like total shit.

When she left I promised her she’d be come back to brand spanking new digs but then the buttholes at my insurance company took forever, the banks gave us the run around and then we had the reflood the Saturday after Christmas (which was like having a picnic on the back of smelly gorilla).

Andy and I have been working on it but it seems like a never ending undertaking. The majority of the walls are gone and he and his brother removed every door and door jam (I would have helped but I'm deathly afraid of splinters). We’ve been treating the walls and then sealing them with, uh, super duper sealing stuff but this past Saturday it hit me, we are so fucked.

Her kitchen walls and cabinets still have to be removed, the whole tiled bathroom has to be gutted, we have to rent a dumpster and she will be home in 9 days. NINE DAYS! The part that has me so unfuckenbelievably upset is that she’ll be disappointed at the lack of progress. It makes me feel this small.

Added to that, when the flood happened, I told her not to worry, she’d have new things and her home would be better than it was before. I said those things to keep her spirits up and not sinking into a depression but the amount we received won’t cover the replacement of all her things.

I know how that sounds, it’s just material things and at least we’re all healthy, things could have been worse etc. Yes, I know all that but I can’t help the way I feel. We are talking about the one person in the world who would do and has done anything for me and we can't get our shit together.

... sorry...

That was a special little cleanse. Speaking of cleanses, back to the purpose of this post!

Due to all the stress, my body has reacted in a way I never expected and gone down an uncomfortable road... one I’ve never been on before. I haven’t been able to… you know… go poopsie. ::blushes::

At first I blamed Nooter because I thought it too much of a coincidence that this ailment is now making it’s home in my bowels after reading about his issues but I was told it’s not contagious. Especially via the webisphere.

After a week of suffering, I decided to ask Glynda (she’s back to just plain Glynda) who is a nurse so she knows about such things. Little did I know the next few minutes would be like a scene out a demented sitcom.

Bee:

I was wondering if you knew of a natural way that would help with constipation.

Glynda:

Prune juice does wonders and I also heard Activa helps but that takes about 14 days to regulate you so I’d recommend the prune juice.

[in walks semi-retired doctor Mr. Rogers]

Mr. Rogers:

Everything okay?

Glynda:

Oh, Bee was just asking me what would relieve constipation.

Mr. Rogers:

I eat 2 prunes with breakfast myself. Keeps me on track!

[walks out]

Glynda:

If you don’t like prune juice you can always go with prunes, they're more tastey. Maybe you should start having Activa on a daily basis even if it does take 14 days…

[in walks Milton]

Milton:

I have Activa everyday and the first time I had it, it worked immediately for me. Who wants to try it?

Glynda:

Oh, Bee was just saying how she’s constipated.

Milton then goes on with nonsense talk for a few minutes so Glynda leaves and in walks Toto in time to hear:

Milton:

… but prunes definitely work.

Toto:

Who needs to explode?

Milton:

Bee is having issues with her digestive system.

Toto:

I gave my husband prunes after his surgery worked like a charm!

[in walks PD]

Toto: [to PD]

Didn’t your husband have problems with his bowel movements after his surgery?

PD:
Yes, it was because of the Vicodin but I gave him prunes—

Toto:

There you go! Eat some prunes and you’ll be hitting the toilet soon there after!

As you may notice, I only have one sentence in this bizarre play because I was freakin speechless!!!!!!

Every time I went to use the ladies’ room they would ask “Well? Did you do it??”

Does anybody like talking about their lack of pooping adventures?? I don’t think so! Oh wait…

So I called Andy and asked him to stop at the store and buy me some prunes. Why did I ask Andy? Because me and grocery stores do not get along.

Andy couldn’t find the prunes at the first store he went and was too shy to ask. He was successful at the second store. Yay!

When I got home from work, he stood by the counter and showed me the prune prize, uh, not what you’re thinking m’kay? He then asked “How many do you have to eat?”

Bee:

I don’t know. They just went on and on about me eating prunes but they never said how many.

Andy:

Are there instructions on the container?

Bee:

I don’t think there is. How weird would it be if it said, ‘if you are having trouble going poopy, eat 6 prunes and you’ll be unplugged in a flash!’.

Andy:

How many are you going to eat then?

Bee:

Six sounds about right.

Then he stands there while I’m eating them and decides to try one. Then he has another one and then another one… I gave him the hairy eyeball because I don’t need to be fighting for the bathroom! (yes we do have 3 bathrooms but neither he nor I like using the other 2).

I made dinner (if you can call opening a can of soup and then heating it up, making dinner) and sat down to eat. I felt a thunderstorm going on in my tummy so I went to the loo. As soon as I walked out, Andy started with his chant “did you go? did you go? did you go? did you go?” ::sigh::!

To make matters weirder, I got this email.

Soooo does anybody have any suggestions? Go ahead and ask everybody you know and then tell them Bee has pooping issues. Everybody else seems to know about them.

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