Ladies, if your husband ever calls you and is FRANTIC, because he thinks your car is going to die while he's driving home after having taken it to get an oil change, where he found out the thingy that blah blah the battery was corroded, let him know that as long as the car is on and your alternator is working fine, you can actually remove the battery and go on your merry way while singing show tunes.* It won't start again once you turn it off but I'm sure the fairies will fix it.
When he got home (after he give me hugs and kisses for not picking up my phone until the seventh time he called) (HEY MAN! I WAS READING!), he showed me how they had jimmy-rigged the thingy so that the car would start..
That there is tape. Regular scotch tape. You know, the one you would use to wrap gifts for your loved ones? The one that only sticks to paper or skin (making scary faces by putting tape on your eyelids and then sticking them to your forehead=AWESOME Saturday nights!)?
This is the best the guys at The Boob Lube could come up with? Have they not heard about duct tape??? It holds the world together!
How about learning a little bit more about cars? Now I have to smell the burning plastic every time I turn on my car! This doesn't let me appreciate the smell of burning tires when I merge into traffic!
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He was having some difficulty removing the nut because the corrosion was so bad, it had a welding effect on the washer so I decided to help him with my own tools. His are the big ones with the DIRTY blue handles, mine are the cute ones that say IKEA.
Then I got bored, because there are only so many new swear words your brain can learn in one day, so I sat in the garden to read my book while he went on grunting a few feet away. At this point I was only 100 pages away from the end of the rambling 750 page book I was reading and I could taste the finish line! (It tasted of human ribs and pasta) 
Andy told me I could go inside since he no longer needed my assistance but it was a beautiful weekend here in Chi-townland so I decided to take advantage of the cool breeze (not to mention I wanted to be within hearing distance in case he caused any MORE damage to my Mini Tank or you know, he exploded)!
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He was finally able to remove all offending metal particles (by sawing them off) that didn't belong in my car and replace the bastard piece that was preventing the juice from making my car hummmmmmmmm (all this is technical stuff so if you don't understand, it's okay).
There are a couple of things I wish I would have known before this little adventure.
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I wish I'd known how toxic the white powder on the battery was. You see, after I helped with the untightification of the nut, Andy dared me to stick my whole hand in my mouth before washing it! Yeah, he is soo trying to kill me!
His warning to me this morning was "Let me know if you see sparks" I swear I heard him mumble "If it's not too late..."
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Other thing is, just because your car is running smoothly (until your husband has it for one hour then everything goes to shit!!!!), it doesn't mean you shouldn't pop the hood and check it out to see if it needs anything like say, a cleaning from the acid overflowing from the battery.
All in all, we both learned something new.
Me: Battery liquids/powders = BAD
Andy: My wife knows more about cars than I do.
*I'm not a mechanic (as you can tell by all my non-technical terms) but I've had a shit-ton of crappy cars which made me learn things the hard way. If you ask my family, they'll tell you I blame any car malfunctions on the alternator.
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P.S.
Yes, yes. I know we need to replace the battery but I'm gonna wear out that four dollar piece he had to buy first.
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P.P.S.
I finished the book and will have a review (nothing too detailed) on it another day. Stephenie Meyer fans will hate me but they can take a number and wait at the back of the line along with the weird tourist who was asking for directions to the Sear's Tower and I mistakenly directed him to the Hancock building. I might have been a little tipsy that day.
I hear that battery powder whitens teeth really quickly...
ReplyDeleteIt's probably going round corners on two wheels that made the battery acid spill out in the first place...
ReplyDeleteMaybe you should get one of those cars with a starter handle on the front.
I too have a long history of crappy cars so I tend to know a little more than the hubby about it too. Although, I wouldn't trust him to even put windshield washer fluid in mine.
ReplyDeleteAnd do you want to know what's scarier than the battery powder and acid, my brother is a hillbilly mechanic and he says that to clean that stuff off of your battery to pour Coke on it. As in Cocacola. It cleans it right up. It will also clean the bug guts off of your windeshield.
Aren't we glad we drink it?
scotch tape?!
ReplyDeleteholy shit that's funny as hell.
What the hell kind of garage/lube place doesn't have, like, a kabillion rolls of duct tape laying around?! I haven't taken either car in for service in a long time. I like to pretend nothing is wrong when things beep and flash at me. When I cave, I'll keep it quiet, 'cause I don't want you saying 'I told you so!' with all your car smarts.
ReplyDeleteAlso, it's cute how you let Andy care for the cars, what with his vehicle issues and all.
(glad you survived the teenage vampire lameness!)
omg, a guy who admits you know more about cars than he does.
ReplyDeleteyou should marry him.
Betty Crocker recommends battery powder as a substitute for powdered sugar in many recipes in the 40's.
ReplyDeleteOK, i get the feeling everyone is waiting for me to chime in on this: First, a warning. DO NOT USE DUCT TAPE ON ELECTRICAL EQUIPMENT. most duct tape contains metal and in the wrong place, it will short out whatever you attatch it too. What Luny-Lube should have had on hand was electrical tape, if any tape would do. What a real shop would have is called a "temporary end" to splice on the end of the cable. from the pics it looks like a late 90s era Toyota corolla. you can get the real ends from the dealer prety cheap. If the corrosion gets too far, time for a whole new cable. that's expensive. BTW. pulling a battery out of a running car is ok on carbureted cars, but if your car has a computer, i would not recommend this. the electrical noise from an unfettered alternator can damage some electronics that aren't ready for it.
ReplyDeleteI wonder where you learned all that car stuff?
ReplyDeleteI always say I should have married a doctor or an auto mechanic.
ReplyDeleteVE:
ReplyDeleteI just tried and now my lips are gone! Good goin'! :op
Brian:
Ha ha! Good idea! I wouldn't have to worry about my battery dying.
Tracy:
I heard about the coke thing. I also heard about using baking powder.
Orion:
I was laughing sooo hard!
FADKOG:
Yup! I can cry when I get a flat tire better than anybody!
The book. OMG the book!!!!
>:o[
Suzy:
Ha ha! He's lucky to have me too ya' know. Well, maybe not so much lucky as cursed maybe?
RJLight:
That would give a whole knew meaning to stomach acid. :o)
Geekwrench:
Thank you for your information. And holy crap on the corrosion. I actually drive a 2003 Hyundai Sonata.
I exaggerated a tad regarding the tape. It was on the outer plastic casing.
I was trying to calm him down when he called me because he really thought the car would die on him before he could get home.
I would never recommend driving without a battery I just wanted him to understand that once they got the car going, because the alternator is in perfect working condition (hopefully I didn't jinx it!), he would be okay to drive the mile home.
We are also planning on buying a new battery this weekend, I was kidding about wearing out the $4 dollar piece since we'll need it for the new battery.
Dan:
What stuff? ;op
Also, I did not put my hand in my mouth. I was joking but I didn't wash my hands right away. I kept reading outside and I'm sure I must have gotten some of that crap into my system... YUCK!!
Peg:
ReplyDeleteWhatever you do, don't marry an electrician! :o)
you and the hubs are sooooo handy! the tape cracks me up! it looked like something I would do to fix a thingamajiggy.
ReplyDeleteNice work. I need a vacuum hose thingy replaced in my car engine, it cracked on the highway the other day. What are your parts & labor fees?
ReplyDeleteI loved your car story, but am looking forward to you raking Breaking Dawn over the coals. What a monumental piece of crap. I could go on but I already wasted too much time just reading it.
ReplyDeleteThey used Scotch tape?? Are you sure he didn't take it to a taping of the Jerry Springer show?
ReplyDeleteAfter reading that so many people hated the last book of the series, I am going to save my time and not read the first three. But I must say I was skeptical since she seemed to churn out that many books in a short amount of time.
You HAVE to keep duct tape on hand at ALL times. It's like the force.
ReplyDeleteA dark side, a light side, and (if used properly) can bind the universe together.
I love how you're all mechanical and all--we don't even change our own oil or sparkplugs
ReplyDeleteThank you for cracking me the hell up today.
ReplyDeleteYeah, my other half spent a month of fixing my van because the squeal from the belt was driving him insane (didn't bother me at all, but I only drive it so what do I know.) Every time he tried to fix it, he found something else wrong, so I ended up with half my engine re-worked, and the sucker still squeals! HA!
ReplyDeleteI love how the manbrain works with mechanics.
Um, anybody have a link to geekwrench? I think I love him/her.
ReplyDeleteWhat the f*@& did geekwrench say? Was that Greek or geek? It hurt me head!
ReplyDeleteSo, like, if I tell you I laughed so hard I pooted would you hold it against me? Not the poot, and not the cushion I was sitting on, either. I made Spawnette come and look at the pictures – she didn’t get it. What up with THAT?!?!?
(I think JT's crying up there, should we hand up a tissue?)
NOW I know what happened to the guy who 'fixed up' our house before he sold it to us - he emigrated to America and is working in a garage down the road from you! Smack him for me, would ya?
ReplyDeleteThank you so much.
LOL!
There's got to be some one you can send a report to regarding the Boob Lube for not knowing how to use duct tape... Everyone knows how to use duct tape.
ReplyDelete