Wednesday, August 20, 2008

I HATE it when my conscious bites me in the ass!

You know how I’m always telling you what a cold Bit- uh… Witch I am? Wellp! Today I felt like pond scum. Why? you ask.

As you may remember (because I expect you to follow my day to day drama), Milton and I had a falling out. Things have been a little tense between us and today was her birthday.

As is customary in all offices here and on the planet Zoobar, there was a card that circulated to be signed and she was bringing a birthday cake. Yup! You, as the one who was shot out of someone’s hoo-haa, are responsible for bringing your own birthday cake.

Anyway, the card came to me and I signed it. Here’s where the part of me feeling like a used Q-Tip comes in.

We were in the
kitchen, we had just sung happy birthday (lame), she blew out her candles, they gave her the card and Scarecrow said “Ooh, I can’t wait to see what Bianca wrote!”

Whaaaaat?? What I wrote?

Then everybody started sharing the things I’ve written on their cards while laughing. I could feel the cold sweat on my back, dreading their next question to Milton: “What did she write on yours?”

In my mind’s eye, I leapt in -s l o w - m o t i o n-, pulled the card out of Milton’s hands and wrote something worthy of all the attention my stupid, mindless, Happy Birthday wishes were getting. All this was imaginary because the reality was a little sad.

Milton scanned the card eagerly, her face crumpled in disappointment when she read “Happy Birthday
! -Bianca

Fuuuuuuuuuuuck! I hate feeling sorry for people! I just want to hate them and poke their voodoo dolls full of holes while cackling madly!

I award myself the prize of douche bag of the year!


On a friendly blogging note.

If you have a blog and LOVE Music. You love it so much you’d like to share it with the people
who click on your blog and think you found a solution by making it blare once we go on it… well my friends. STOP IT!

I know it’s your blog and I have no control over it but I kinda do. You have to understand that I do ALL MOST A LOT? SOME of my blog stalking in between mental relapses while at work.
If I click on your blog and Nelly comes on singing “Its getting hot in here/so take off all your clothes” (youtube link) comes on, I will get a few puzzled glances from the gray hairs that sit across from me.

They don’t listen to young people’s music (if you’re still listening to this song you have issues since it’s at least 6 years old!)(not that I want to insult your taste in music… okay, I do.) but they can make out the lyrics and I don’t need more curious trifocal looks coming my way.

Unless you have Frank Sinatra, then we're golden... just a suggestion!
--I might remove that last part of my post since it sounds bossy but we’ll see how I feel later.

Humor Bloggers dot com


  1. First! Wahey! (shakes ass in triumph)

  2. I think it's a BIIIT much to award yourself 'douche bag of the year' for a non rib-tickling birthday card comment. But, if you really feel bad, get a voodoo doll of yourself and start prodding it with needles etc.

    But that seems a bit excessive.

  3. Chris:
    Ha ha! Congrats on first! I don't think anybody has ever shook their ass before! ;op

    The image of her face will haunt me for a long long time. It was like I kicked her puppy.

    I don't think a voodoo doll of myself would help, I'd wind up poking myself at the most inappropriate times.

  4. Ummm... that wasn't meant to sound dirty!

  5. Good point on the voodoo doll. If I had one of myself, I'd be scared to leave it anywhere in case someone tickled it. I could find myself convulsing in the post office queue or something.

  6. I hadn't even considered that as dirty, but now that you mention it (big fuck off evil laugh) I'm going to make a voodoo doll of myself right now!

    And as an afterthought, if I marinaded that doll in Jack Daniels ... Bee! You're a genius! You've saved me a fortune! Fucking yes!

  7. I DREAD the greeting card moments at work. I often try to avoid them altogether, and I hate it most when I get cornered and am forced to sign them. I've had to come up with charming, witty things to say to people I don't even know before (which, in retrospect, is kind of like leaving a comment on a blog. Not your blog, my lovely Bee, for I totally dig you, but I think you get my point, right?!).

    Also, you have to provide your own birthday cake?! WTH?! Here's a cost saving idea - you all should just have one card and you all sign it and then give it to the birthday gal/guy, let the keep it on their desk for a day or week, then snatch it back for the next person. That way, if you know it's eventually coming to you, you could write something sweet and endearing on it! Bases covered!!

  8. Bee, the Spain accident is a terrible thing.

  9. I never think of anything better to write on cards like that than "all the best".

    I suppose I should remove the new Rolf Harris Greatest Hits widget from my blog then? ;-)

    If I come across a muzak blog I tend to leave very sharpish...

  10. Here's the thing, I like Chris Wood and all and am becoming a big fan of his blog, but I was having a hard enough time fighting for first with Brian and now I have to fight with Chris too???


  11. Well, Atleast Now I Am

  12. Ok, now to my regularly scheduled comment:

    I think that you should stop at a gas station on your way to work this morning and grab a birthday card and then write something so witty that it will knock Milton's socks off. And just say "I meant to give this to you yesterday but somehow it ended up going in Andy's lunch instead of in my purse. I'm so sorry. Happy Belated." That way Milton will get her witty Bee quote and as an added bonus she will get to make all of the other office bats jealous that she got her very own card when all they got was a quick scribble in a card that everyone else signed too.
    Problem Solved!

    As for the music, I tried that once. I had put music on my own blog and I swear to you, every time I went to my blog to check for comments or surf my favorite blogs, MY OWN MUSIC would scare the shit out of me!
    So I got rid of my music and now just leave the sound off just incase someone else decides to try and give me a heart attack.

  13. I guess it's considered an honor when Uncle Sam is on it! heheh

    Ps. yeah darnit I wish I would have thought of the dutch oven, the effects would have lasted longer on lobo then the skillet! :)

  14. I am totally with you on the music blaring thing. I leap a million feet in the air when it comes on, and then spend the next five minutes scrambling to figure out how to SHUTITOFF SHUTITOFF SHUTITOFF... :)

    PS- I think you're being too hard on yourself about the card issue. Cut yourself a little slack... I mean, even Tiger Woods doesn't make a hole in one EVERY game. :)

  15. anyone with blaring music on their blog should be beaten about the face.

    Best Wishes,
    Jean Knee

  16. First of all...on Friday, I will be posting VE Hallmark cards. You WILL want to read that one. It won't be pretty... should always sign those kind of cards with something like "I'm glad you convinced me not to tell anyone about that incident you shared all those years ago..."

    Thirdly, I like the award. It warms my heart when I see Uncle Sam laying blame to somebody. That is so American!!!!

  17. LOL at Jean Knee. I hate music too, but that seems extreme. She must be eating too much cock-flavored soup.

    So, the lady at the office...maybe you should do something nice for her...just to relieve your guilty conscience of course. Tell her you weren't feeling very creative yesterday and then give her a silly balloon or something.

    Or, just tell her to stick it in her pie hole and quit being such a baby. :)

  18. Ah well...don't be too hard on yourself. Lesson learned, as I always say when I do something stupid.

    And I do not like music on blogs, either. It can scare the crap out of me sometimes, if it's all quiet.

  19. Sometimes it really is better to be the "ass" at work, not the "asshole", but the "ass"... it's that wishy-washy term that no one really knows what the hell you're doing there or how you'll react kind of term. And if you're the prestigious "ass" nothing is REALLY expected of you.

    ...and squash the cricket. Does a conscious really get you anywhere... ?? Pinocchio's conscious has left him high and dry, why if he didn't have that dammed conscious he'd at least be in B rated porn flicks with all that wood.

    har har... hardy har.
    Great read though...

  20. Yes. Music on your blog is a little too tween Myspace'ish. Blogging is serious business.

  21. No! - Keep the music rant in! Unless there was something else after that that was heinous that you removed. How is not going balls-to-the-wall on someone's card who there's been tension with being a douche bag? Was the tension all in your head, or didn't she know there was something going on too? Actually, why would she even expect anything beyond "Happy Birthday"? Did you guys talk about it afterward? I mean, clearly it hurt her feelings, but what about yours?

  22. Having to exhaust any of your own creativity on a birthday card is not worth the time.

    Unless of course you are doodling pictures of Godzilla stepping on people. Then its fine.

  23. It's apparent you're Da Shit (in a good way) in that office, so really, Milton only wishes she had your kind of wit and power. :) Savor it!

  24. I've been thinking about this. Of course, if you REALLY wanted to be a douche bag of giant proportions, go all out for the next office birthday.

    Bring in a plastercast installation ceiling to the office parking lot, with a satiric interpretation of the Sistine Chapel painstakingly crafted on it.

    Look humbled, broken and just a bit disorientated as you confess of your struggles to do this, of the madness of paint dripping in your eyes, of how hubby left you due to your complete absorption, and you chewed both feet off in fits of artistic malaise, but you just COULDN'T let X's birthday go by without adding your own special touch.

    Go on, you know you want to ...

  25. Music on sites/blogs/myspace etc is one of pet peeves and I wailed about it last year AND PEOPLE DON'T LISTEN TO ME.

  26. Amen sistah! Don't remove it! The ones that bug me the most are the ones with worship music. Because I grew up on that stuff and it makes me want to commit harikari. But any kind of automatic toons pretty much guarantee I won't be back to that blog.

  27. Oh who gives a shit. We hate Milton anyway. She's lucky you didn't just put a staple in the card and call it your signature.

    So yeah, I dislike it immensely when people make me hear their music when I click on their page. Even though I've done it a couple of times. Okay, once. I think. It was my grandbaby singing ABC's. But I only had it on autoplay for one day. So there.

    ANYHOODLE, the reason I hate it is because often I am LISTENING to my own damn music and that's just dumb to try to override my own DAMN music. And another reason is the same as yours. I'm at work clicking away and then some fucking blaring badass music SHOCKS me awake (which I am sure you know I do NOT want to be while I'm at work.)

    I think that up there ^^^ is really a post, disguised as a comment.

  28. Leave that last part of the post. It's funny.

    Not funny is how awful you were not to write something enlightening and engaging on your friend's card. You suuck.


    Do you feel better?

  29. Chris:
    Well now, the booze just makes the world a little bit better!

    YEAH! Up until a few months ago, people had to pay for it but now we turn in the receipt and get a refund.

    Yes it is. :o(

    You could blare your national anthem and I'd still visit your blog. I'd COMPLAIN about it but... ;op

    She'll know I'm lying cuz I never even see Andy's lunch. ;o)

    Lady Terri:
    Knock away! :o) ha ha!

    Thanks! :o) She just looked so disappointed. Like a little kid who woke up on Christmas and instead of a bike got a tarantula.

    jean knee:
    Your violence makes me smile. :o)

    You know I'll be there VE.
    You WOULD be happy I'm calling myself a douche!

    "stick it in her pie hole" ha ha ha!!

    The music makes me try to shut off the little speaker thing but it always takes for ever to pop up.

    SOLD! ha ha ha! :o)

    CM 3:
    It sure is serious! I sit here with a frown when I'm posting! :o)

    Okay, it stays!
    No, it wasn't just in my head. Everybody felt it. I felt like toe jam.

    Godzilla!! Yeah, what the hell was I thinking?? Maybe next time.

    Not just in the office... ;o)

    Sounds great! Only... I'm too cheap to spend my hard earned money and time on the coworkers I call The Bats. Maybe what I'll do is ask people to give me clever things to write on the next person's birthday card. Be prepared! ;o)

    What the hell?? They don't listen to you?? Who needs 'em??

    Worship?? I must be surfing the wrong blogs mine are all lewd songs! :o)

    BWAHAHAHAHA!! She is insane! :o)

    Johnny's Mommy:
    THANK YOU! Ha! Finally! Somebody who agreed with me! :o)

  30. You are walkin in my shoes where blog music is concerned. I want to listen to MY music, and YOUR music might be starting in the middle of YOUR song and interrupting MY song and so I just stop going to those blogs. In fact, I've already got a post on that very same subject and I think it's scheduled for Monday.

    Great minds and all that.

  31. I think every blogger goes through a Music Imperial You Will Listen To My Crap Music Even If It Makes You Want To Stuff Tampons In Your Ear phase. I outgrew mine. And then I got into the sidebar video phase. I outgrew that too.

  32. All the churchy women from my area have Bubbly blasting on their blogs. So very cliche.

  33. LOL ...LOL

    I don't think you should feel bad, after all the bull shit she has put you through. Maybe now she will stop being so jerky and she will realize that she just can't win against you.

  34. Alas. I shall never be first again :(

    Hey, I never went through that Music Imperial You Will Listen To My Crap Music Even If It Makes You Want To Stuff Tampons In Your Ear phase. We are now BFF, right?

    I love it how you tell it like it is Bee :)

  35. BTW, I don't think you are a douche (which is my super secret fav expression...shhhh)
    Better luck next year Milton!

  36. I am super tired Bee. I really want to read all your fabulously hillarious posts but I am not making sense anymore and I know Im going to go all Paula Abdul on your blog and embarras myself!


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.