Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The day I met a guy with soft Soft SOFT hands.

Okay. I don’t know when this affliction started I really don’t. I don’t remember having issues in my teens but maybe my brain hadn’t completely lost its path to saneness. Naw, who am I kiddin’ I’ve always been this SPECIAL.

Anyway, last week, an attorney decided he wanted to meet the legend that is *I* in person. He asked if we could schedule a lunch —neutral territory I’m assuming— so we may discuss his request on reducing our fees by 20%.

That doesn’t sound like allot right? 20%? Well, that would reduce our fees by $24,000 and we were offering a very generous $12,000. I stuck to my guns for a few weeks so this was his desperate attempt to talk some *sense* into me.

I had to refuse the offer of lunch (we try not to leave work during the day so as not to scare the normal folk) but I spoke to OZ who told me to invite him on over to the asylum.

By some evil prank played by the devil himself! I forgot all about it and wore regular business casual clothes (with a small bleach stain on the butt which I didn’t notice until I took off my pants later that day!) (I took off my pants to put on a pair of shorts WHEN I WAS HOME I don't want you thinking those thoughts in my presence) and not my usual showered, slicked-out, lacquered-up, killer-shoes, very businessy attire I wear when meeting with OZ and/or other dangerous people.

CL called me as soon as the attorney arrived. I went out to greet him and he ::shudder:: extended his hand ::gag:: and I took it ::bugh:: and it was super smooth and SOFT ::blech::!

Listen, I don’t want to come off looking like a Soft-ist in your eyes. I have nothing against men having baby smooth hands, I just don’t want them touching me.

And not the good kind of twitchy.

As soon as I let go, I wanted desperately to scrub my hand on the side of my pants! It was itchy and I could have sworn little bumps were forming on my palm!

When OZ, Glynda and I excused ourselves to discuss our negotiation, OZ asked me what I thought about the attorney, he seemed like a nice guy should we go ahead and accept his offer?

What do I say? I want the guy to leave because he’s giving me the heebie jeebies!

No! I must maintain my objectivity and professionalism but I found myself blurting:

“Give it to him! Sign whatever he wants!”

The moral of the story here is, yelling at me will not convince me you're right. Having soft hands, besides making me want to hurl, will get you further in the negotiations game.

I'm just telling you please don't tell anybody else! Well, you can tell all the people over at Humor-Blogs or maybe you can click on it anyway.

If you are a man with soft hands, I wasn't trying to insult you... maybe just a little bit. You can always use a cheese grater to fix the problem. That's just a suggestion so don't sue me if it hurts or you pass out due to loss of blood.


  1. Once they realise they have you with the hand thing, there'll be no stopping them. Other things they could try include those joke hands that comes off in your, er, hand, and the electric shock handshake thingy.

    I suggest that in future you wear gloves when dealing with lawyers, just as you would with an estate agent or a car salesman.

  2. what i really hate is woman who shake hands like a dead fish. they just lay their limp little hand in your palm. ick.

  3. Men with soft faces creep me out. I don't understand why they're always looking for the next generation razer with 15 blades that gouges the entire hair follicle right out of the dermis. If I wanted to rub a smooth face I'd be a lesbian.

  4. I believe we may have discussed this before, no man's hands should be soft- that's just sick really


  5. I don't like guys with soft hands either. It always makes me wonder how much work he has to pass of to other people to keep them that soft.

    I also don't like guys who wear too much cologne. Or who wear pinkie rings. Or dangle ear rings.

    No offense to Bees readers who have any of those things. I'm sure you're all very nice.

  6. I agree with you. Guys with soft hands creep my out. What do they do? Sit there and slather lotion on all day? Ewww...

  7. you gave up 12k for soft hands?
    you're getting soft Bee, you're getting soft.

  8. Bee! That lawyer dude totally gave you a hand job!

    (the not yucky kind...well, sort of yucky...yucky like the word 'yucky'...what with the soft hands...)

  9. You are a Softiet!
    a Soft-ist!

    Please say it ain't so :(

  10. I wonder what kind of hands Brad Pitt has...
    Do you wonder Bee?

  11. I have a thing about men that store fat in their hips and thighs and look kind of like a woman... it makes me feel squicky, kind of like your softy handed thingie.

  12. Whew...

    Maybe I shouldn't tell you this because you know, I can't dela with a stalker and shit but....

    My hands are so rough I sanded my backdeck with just my hands alone.

  13. obviously he was gay...or one of those metro sexuals....


    That must have been really ICKY!!!

    I don't like soft hands either... It's like if I girl is touching you, (Not that there's anything wrong with that) that's just not my kind of thing.

  15. Dan,

    Don't call Bee soft.

    The ICK factor in having a guy with soft hands touch you to ME is probably as gross as it will be to you to have one of my baby's bottles full of B-Milk spill on you!

    Do you agree Bee? or can you think of something else that will gross Dan out?

  16. Maybe he was some type of yuppie serial killer like the one Christian Bale played in "American Psycho".

    Maybe his whole thing is to kill young pre teen girls & surgically attach their hands to his arms.

    Or maybe he just really, really likes hand lotion.....


  17. Brian:
    Gloves! Yeah, why didn’t I think of that!
    I might go to therapy to over come my FEAR OF MALE SOFT HANDS since I can’t afford any chinks in my armor.

    That is so annoying! It’s almost like they can’t really bring themselves to touch you but are doing you a favor.

    Yeah, I like stubbly men too. ;op

    jean knee:
    I think we did discuss my disgust for softies too.

    I don’t mind them delegating work but men should be rough and dirty. Kinda like Sawyer from Lost.

    I just shivered.

    You like men with soft hands touching you?

    ::shiver shudder blech::
    That’s all I’m not sayin’.

    Am I? Am I a closet soft-ist?

    Brad’s hands are rough. He’s into building and one day he will build us (me and him) and ark with his bare hands and take me away to a deserted island.

    Manager Mom:
    Ewww! That makes me think of Pat from SNL.

    That’s how a man’s hands should be!
    Will you help Brad Pitt build an ark?

    He did smell good which was a point in his favor.

    I think your example of breast milk just made me lose my desire for lunch dinner and breakfast.

    It puts the lotion in the basket type of guy?


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.