Tuesday, August 12, 2008

As they say in Texas, "Go Fetch the RAMBLER!!"*

Calm down! I know it's a long post but it's in 3 segments. You can read it at your leisure with no pressure from me. Besides, I'm not posting again until Friday. Stay tuned for a special announcement.
In today’s post, we will discuss the following:

-Andy's and my vivid imagination in “Adventures at the Laundromat”

-The Dependency/Addiction to my cell phone in “I forgot my cell phone at work and now you must die!”

-The Book (if you don’t know what book I’m talking about PRETEND you do) in “Dear Lord, it’s the Super Friends vs the Super Villains!”

“Adventures at the Laundromat”

While hanging out at The Mat Monday, we saw a big black SUV pull up and a tiny little woman jump out. She had a black garbage bag in her hands that looked ¼ full (or ¾ empty for you pessimists). She went to one of the big machines, put the clothes into a washer then drove off.

Now, there are 3 different types of people who go to the laundromat:
-Those that come to wash their bedding because they have an average sized washer at home.
-Broke asses who can’t replace their washer at the moment. ::wink::
-Those that don’t have a washer/drier because they live in tiny apartments.

I couldn’t see this lady fitting into either category.

We snuck over to her washer and tried to figure out what she had put in it, you know, in case we were called to testify once she was arrested for some crime.

I THINK it’s just jeans.

No, I see socks too.

Maybe she didn’t want to wash her jeans at home.

I think it’s one pair of jeans, a shirt and some socks but I’m not sure.

We decided not to make any assumptions until we could see the clothes better once they were in the drier.

The mysterious short lady came back, put her clothes in the drier and left again in her environment killing monster machine.


It was one pair of jeans, one t-shirt and socks. We THINK we saw a pair of men’s boxer/briefs but weren’t 100% certain.

This is what we decided her story was:

The rich lady is sleeping with her handyman and she doesn’t want the maid who washes her clothes to find out and tell her husband. What she doesn’t know, is that her husband is sleeping with the maid.

Holes in this theory:
Why wouldn’t she send HIM to wash his own clothes?

Her handyman lover killed her husband after he found out about them and threatened to divorce her and run off with the maid leaving his Ex with NOTHING!
She had to go wash the bloody clothes at The Mat so they wouldn’t find traces of blood in her washer. She will then take the clean clothes and donate them to a homeless shelter.

If her lover is ever arrested, we cannot testify that we saw him and who would think the victim’s grieving widow had anything to do with it?

Holes in this theory:

Andy and I shivered when we realized we had been in the presence of an unfaithful murderous whore!!

What? It was either that or watch the Spanish Telenovelas!

"I forgot my cell phone at work and now you must die!"

Normally, when we go do laundry, Andy reads his book (which he's had for 2 years and can't seem to finish it!) and I blog surf on my cell phone but I’d left it at work.

I can’t believe how dependent I’ve become on Scarlett! When I was digging through my purse looking for it, I had all the twitchiness of an addict looking for the last
oxy pill. Once I realized I’d forgotten it, I almost drove back to work ready to splinter the door so I could get in the locked office. I took a couple of deep breaths and accepted my loss knowing I would reunite with beloved the next day.

Now you know why we had to entertain ourselves with a murderous fantasy.

“Dear Lord, it’s the Super Friends vs the Super Villains!”

Okay. I am not going to give too many details of the book and I’m not going to tell any of its secrets.
I have to start by saying that I love the story. One of the main characters,
Edward, is so sweet and his inner battles had me rooting for him throughout all 4 books. His love interest, Bella, is okay too but my focus is always on him.
When I first started reading the books, I had to accept the fact that she was writing it for tweens and only then could I continue reading. What I mean by that is, books targeted for adults have more complex relationships, the story lines tend to be ore mature in nature and I can identify with some of the characters as an adult.

Before you start criticizing MY writing, I have always said I am not what you would define a writer to be. I’m more of a talk-writer. I write how I talk. I didn’t take any writing workshops/courses/pills, I just sit and spew. I don’t use big complex words, correct grammar/punctuation when I write because I don’t use them when I talk to normal folks. When I talk to attorneys I have to PRETEND I’m a tad smarter than the chicken flipper I really am.

I would honestly feel silly calling myself a writer. If it were up to me, I’d be broadcasting my thoughts directly in your ear without having to type and keep having to go back to correct words like “keep” which I spelled “kepp”

Anyway, I think she could have told the last part of the story in 300 pages. She did not need to drag my ass away from my family and friend (SINGULAR on purpose) for 753 grueling-rambling-stating-the-obvious-bringing-in-more-characters-than-necessary-making-me-want-to-cry-from-sheer-boredom pages!

They ALL love each other! I get it!
They’re ALL in danger! I get it!
They’re rich and have millions to spend on fancy cars, big homes AND ISLANDS! Okay, that’s my fantasy too but going on and on about it is just ridiculous.

I swear I remember being in 5th grade and writing a short story where I was a 16 year old bad ass princess and my dad (King Phillip) had just bought me a Ferrari! Hello? I must have been 11 at the time!! I cringe thinking about it now but I WAS A CHILD!!

I know her story is fantasy fiction (even though I still hope to find immortality one day so the generations to come will adore me just like you do) but she went off the deep end when she made vampires with powers to control the elements. The freakin’ ELEMENTS!!

You know,
fire, earth, air and water

For a second there, I was wondering if I was reading one of Andy’s graphic novels. You know which ones right? The Fantastic Four?? THE X-MEN???

Or how about The Justice League vs.
The Legion of Doom. Only the Wonder Twins were on the side of the bad guys in her book.


For 740 pages, we read about the ANTICLIMACTIC last stand. I have to say that it made me want the bad guys to win.

Maybe she should write me into her book, I have a lot of pent up aggression and it wouldn’t take me but one page to destroy all living/undead things in my path... with perverse pleasure.
What's that? This post is calling the kettle black?? Yes, but you're getting for free and I am at your beck and call.

Having said ALL that, I will probably buy the next books she's writing entitled Midnight Sun. Ha ha! What can I say? Just don't try to understand me. ;op

*They probably don’t but they do in my head. [regarding title of this post]



  1. I will join you in one page to kill all comers.

  2. I'd better do a long comment then:

    I think that you should write your own 700 million page book called "Laundrymat Woman". This would of course be a blood and guts thriller, but also a love story, since the grieving maid has to hitched up with someone, presumably the washing machine repairman, who helps our amateur sleuthing couple by finding some evidence when he takes the washing machine apart for maintenance. (what's the broken-off tip of a knife doing clogging up the internals, and why are some of the pipes stained red?).

    Of course, when they discover that Laundrymat Woman has not only donated her late husband's clothes to charity, but she's also baked a whole load of meat pies for the local homeless centre, they release what she's done with the body...

    Our couple are hot on the trail, but endure countless setbacks, such as breaking down ("I told you to buy a new battery"), and our kick-ass heroine leaving her mobile phone at work.

    And there's a twist at the end.

    And 40 sequels.

  3. When I used to have to go to the Mat (only we called in The Muck), we'd also make up stories about the oddities. You've got a far better story going then those contained within the pages of The Books. You're secretly taking those writing pills, aren't you? I had to finally get help for that, because I was totally bordering on Corey Haim addictville. That's why my writing now is all a bunch of ellipses and parenthetical remarks.

  4. I would have leapt to exactly the same conclusion about the woman in the laundromat as you did - although there is one other possible solution. Her man got contaminated with something so horrible, nasty, or dangerous, that she didn't want to sully the inside of her own machine with it. Personally I'd have just tossed the clothes, even if they were his favourites. LOL!

    The Stephanie Meyer books - I have a bunch of friends reading the Twilight series right now and they're driving me insane mooning about Edward. Clearly I'm going to have to get one from somewhere and give it a try. Unfortunately, I don't think they're published in the UK!

    I hate Amazon.

  5. Interesting woman! I love people watching and making up stories about them. That is always a good way to pass the time.

  6. You couldn't possibly be a credible witness since you were obviously going through withdrawals. I'll agree that the "MAT" is a scary place...
    I once got the pleasure of watching 2 young, female, college roommates get into a nasty fight in one. It started with the usual name calling "whore, slut, skank." I'm not really sure what happened between them, my roommate and i speculated on whether they cheated on midterms or slept with someone's boyfriend. Anyways... there was some hair pulling, couple of slaps, and then the better looking one threw a wad of paperwork into the washing machine and then took of with "the car".

    Good times...

  7. Your laundromat story cracked me up. I'd totally sit there & make up stories or theories about people too!

  8. Talk-writing is all the rage now and you rule at it.

    I can see this as part of a Laundrymat series: Tales From the Dirty Side.

    But you'd need to wean yourself from the cell addiction first.

  9. The early research done on the effects of cell phones correlating with brain cancer scares the living shit out of me. Maybe you were better off forgetting it at home.

    Were these men's clothes that the woman put in there?

  10. elements huh? oh geez I'm at the part where she's pregnant with the demon child and Jacob's trying to save her.
    Bella's a dumb ass

  11. I feel like bitch-slapping her

  12. All I know is that somewhere there was a naked man waiting for those clothes! (Yes, he may have been dead, but not likely.) My theory is that he is her boyfriend and he worked on her car and got all greasy. After he was done, he stripped and got into the shower, where she joined him and washed him gladly and thoroughly. This would likely have taken awhile. Hee hee. They then went to the bed to finish (or restart) their playtime. He fell asleep and she went off to the laundromat to wash his clothes. (Every woman knows that those greasy clothes have no business in anyone's home machine!) While they were washing, she picked up some food and took it home. They ate, and played some more, and then she went back to get his clothes so he could get in his car and go home where he belongs!

  13. Now see, if you hadn't forgotten Scarlet at work, you could have taken a picture of the short SUV lady on your phone. And then you could have sent it in to America's Most Wanted and been a hero. Now we'll never know.
    You wanna know something that makes me nervous? One of the guys that's going to be putting the roof on our house over the next two days got upset today when he saw that I was video taping them putting the shingles up onto the roof of the house (Chris thought it was cool because they had a really big truck with a crane). So, I made sure to take several pictures. When the roof is finished I'm sending those puppies in to AMW myself! But the roof has to be finished first. I'm not stupid!
    About the book, I'm going to have to pass. See, being married with kids and all, I already know that love isn't like that. If I were a 16 year old dreamer, that book would have been right up my ally. But let us know how the next one goes.

  14. Ahh crap.. I don't want to be 13th Well, now atleast I'm 14th too.

  15. Thank you sister!

    That book was without a doubt the biggest suckfest I've ever read.

    Don't effin set up a ton of vamps with awesome powers and then NOT have an effin showdown.

    Who the eff was her editor and let this drivel pass for a grand finale?

    I'm still bitter.

  16. omg! I think I saw suv ladies handyman lover at MY laundromat before the big murder plot! Of course I'm only making this id based on boxers not briefs, but still.

  17. Brian'd long comment is long.

    "...in case we were called to testify once she was arrested for some crime." You think like me Bee! Did you check the time and what she was wearing? I bet that'll come up at the trial.

  18. I took a coullegue writtin clas. That's why my blog is so awesome.

    Perverse Pleasure: That's your vampire skill.

  19. So like where did you go?
    Do I get a espeshual preview of your announcement?
    You know being Mexis and all?

  20. This is my theory about the woman at the laundromat.

    She drove to visit her son who lives away from home while attending college. She wanted to surprise him with some homemade tamales because they are his favorite! She shows up at his apartment and he's not home but his roommate lets her in. His room is a bit messy so she starts picking up... she sees that he needs a trash can for his room and decides to go buy him some things instead of waiting. She grabs his dirty clothes that are laying on his floor which was just one outfit. He probably wore it for a week because it was ripe! She drops the clothes off at the Laundromat... goes shopping and buys a trash can, deodorant, a plant for his room and a few other nicknacks. She returns to put the clothes into the dryer... runs off to get some groceries for her son and returns for the clothes. What a great mom!

    Of course she's most likely just a tamale cooking murdering whore.

  21. Bee,

    Your posts are always enjoyable...

    I love the murderous woman at the laundry matt... hilarious.

    You and Andy have quite the imaginations...

  22. I am a "number 1" at the laundromat that takes pleasure in fanaticizing about all the number 4's (like you guys did.) (Although I could be a 2½ because I have a washer but not a dryer.)

    Glad I didn't get hooked on those books. I made it about ¼ of the way through the first and put it down.

    Thank you baby Jesus, a-men.

  23. Wow Bee, three blog posts in one. You know how I hate overachievers! You've got a verible gold mine of material at a luandry mat. I think I'm going to find one just to have some good blog material! Of course, you're first theory on laundry woman is flawed...real men don't do laundry. Everyone knows that... I'm leaning on the more morbid theory...because somebody will come over here and steal it from you for a mini-series and then we all get to enjoy the wrath of Bee as you go after all of them.

  24. Wow! That is SOME long post. And I stayed with you all the way to the end, too.

    I agree with you COMPLETELY about the laundromat lady. Whenever go to a laundromat, I find myself convinced that everyone in there is a hardened criminal trying to hide the evidence.

  25. I would never call myself a writer. In the first place it sounds stupid. In the second place, when you hear "writer" you think "someone who has published a book." Not "someone who has a blog." People are always telling me that I am a writer, thinking I suppose that they are somehow bucking me up, but the word makes me cringe TBH.

  26. urf. I have had Twilight sitting at my bedside for months and haven't been able to crack it because of the whole tween thing. I love my adult vampire romances with lots of dirty sex, bad guys, etc. etc.
    Love the laundromat story! When we had to go do our laundry there, it was always filled with such a mixed bag of characters, but we never thought of creating stories about it. Hmmm, I think our washer is about ready to break :).

  27. don't know the book but it sounds like it sucks.

  28. Love the post, can't wait for the movie!
    One of my X's and I used to do that all the time at the Mat. Only we'd make up stories about ourselves and tell them to strangers...anybody who seemed to be remotely interested. We told some of the most outrageous stuff... It was fun and it helped pass the time. I prolly wouldn't have done it if I'd had a "scarlett".


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.