Come on!
The one I asked to kill me the day before my 50th birthday? And he promised he would?!?!
On Sundays, we usually give my mom a cooking break and either eat out or pick something up. She wanted Brown's Chicken so she and I drove to the one by my house. The one we've been to about 40 times in 4 years. I had a surprise waiting for me this time.
YUP! THAT'S HIM!!! When I wrote he looked like Milton from Office Space, I didn't realize how accurate I was!
I recognized him immediately. He's gained weight but then who hasn't.
I was hoping he wouldn't remember me but I am one to leave a serious impression on people's brains (sometimes I use a hammer).
Really. It's hard to forget me. Even though I think I've changed a lot in 11 years I guess I've retained some of my cuteness. ;o)
I started ordering all nonchalant like and he asked "Would you happen to be Bianca Lastname" not "hey, are you Bee?" or "Did you used to work at Brown's?" noooo! He not only recognized me he also remembered my FULL NAME.
Crap!
There I was, in my tattered gardening clothes (shorts with dangling threads, old t-shirt with wax stains thanks to Andy making me help him wax his car and then torturing me with hugs!), no make up and hair pulled away from my face. Gah! If I would have known I was going to bump into a former admirer, I'd have spruced myself up a bit and not looked like a homely housewife with a hangover. Well, at least I was clean(ish)!
I swear that when I smiled at him and said it was me, he could not stop grinning! Awwww!
Anyway, he gave me a run down on his life. He works at another Brown's but was filling in at mine because someone was on vacation etc. Then he asked me what I've been up to. I let him know I worked at an orthopedic's office and that I had moved to the burbs.
I NEVER MENTIONED ANDY!! Oops! Maybe I should have started there? I should have said "Yeah, this chick is taken! I married an an ogre killer!"
My food was ready and as I was leaving, he told me to say "Hi" to brother Dan! He even remembered DAN!! We sure do make an impression on people.
And as I was pulling into my driveway, I remembered... I SHOULD HAVE CALLED OFF THE HIT! What's the matter with me people??? If he remembered all the other stuff about me, he for sure remembers the promise he made.
Well, I've lead a good life with lots of chocolate.
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first again!!!!
ReplyDeleteDid you tell him what suburb you live in? Think about it he is closing in on you!!!! Kinda creepy!!!!!
how much ya wanna bet he starts filling in at your Brown's ALL the time now. Ewwwww! I just creeped myself out with that thought. But, I suppose every girl should have at least one stalker, right?
ReplyDeleteHmmm! Maybe I can kidnap him, hold him in my basement and blackmail you with the threat of letting him loose just before you turn...
ReplyDelete...meh, nevermind, he is too damn ugly.
Why couldn't he be hot?!
Ya know, like a Viking who has come to rape and pillage you and you don't mind and leave the door unlocked and remove all the windows hot???
My plan would work out much better if only you knew how to pick em, Bee. :p
and now, you have made him a celebrity !
ReplyDeletePS: I have always wondered that if the stalker types were cute, would they stalk?
I was just wondering how he's planning to carry out the hit? Slow acting poison in your chicken, I bet...
ReplyDeleteStay away from chicken your whole 49th year
ReplyDeleteHis hair looks a bit like Father Al's
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't touch it if I were you, hope you can resist
Well at least you have plenty of witnesses. If anything happens to you, we all know what the guy looks like and where he works. Just don't let your insurance agent see this. :P
ReplyDeleteHaha Poor Bee.. I hope he doesnt stalk you..
ReplyDeleteBtw- you are NUMBER ONE! BOO YA
You know, whenever an ugly person had a crush on me, I'd get skeeved out. But if they were hot, I'd take it as a compliment.
ReplyDeleteIn this case, I'd enter the witness protection program. Totally creepy!!
E L E V E N T H ! ! !
ReplyDeleteBEE! Get back there poste hast and order some chicken! Then, when he's all grinning at you and stuff, be all 'Ixnay on the hitnay, kapeesh?'
ReplyDeleteThen ask for extra biscuits.
Bee! I thought for sure that you were going to say that you called it off and we could all stop worrying about you!
ReplyDeleteWHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?
Am I going to have to get in the super mini van and drive my ass all the way to wherever the hell Chicagoland is (probably up near Canada I bet) and call it off for you? I will have to stalk your stalker until I can get him alone and call if off!
You better fix this missy! You don't want me coming in to clean up the mess.
Shit! Why am I always 13th? I don't want to be 13th!
ReplyDeleteAww, I haven't been to Brown's Chicken in so long. It always reminds me of those murders that happened at that one here in Chicago somewhere...
ReplyDeleteHaha, now that I read that it sounds creepy. You are going to think Milton is visiting your blog. No, seriously though, I always think of those murder because they always called them the Brown's Chicken Murders, which probably didn't make the company very happy.
Some fried mushrooms sound good right now though...
Bee, small tip. IF you think someone is creepy, DO NOT make them promise to kill you.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a cop or psychologist or anything, BUT COME ON, WOMAN!
And wow, your surname is Lastname. What the fuck, are we are all going to find you and hide in the living room?
ReplyDeleteHey ...
you might have to cut off that Chris Wood---seems like a stalker to me
ReplyDeleteJEAN KNEE!!!
ReplyDeleteCUT OFF CHRIS'- WHAT???
I do not condone any Lorena Bobbetting here on this blogus.
Oh hey, I think Jean said cut me off, not begin amputations. Yeesh!
ReplyDeleteAlso I am not a stalker. Nice hair, though, Bee.
All good sociopaths carry a notebook to remind them of important things (days people work, best times to stalk, the lyrics to Ricky Martin songs).
ReplyDeleteJust have someone pop in, grab his book, run off and you'll be safe.
Damn that Jinksy for giving away such hints! Actually, I do have a book. It's the memoirs of Ulysses S Grant, and I'd be lost without it.
ReplyDeleteBee, consider yourself admonished. Regularly.
Apparently Norman Bates there was around before I discovered your blog. But Bee! Holy Crap. I'd go to every Brown's in town WITH MY HUSBAND until I was sure I'd found him and gotten the message across.
ReplyDeletei'm REALLY not trying to be stereotypical here...
ReplyDeletebut why is it those creepy ass mother f*ckers always work in fast food?? Seriously, you should meet the guy that's too busy stairing at my good half, that he doesn't even hear me order. EVERYTIME, she has to order my food because he's playing the mad wink and eyelash game.
Creepy, creepy... CREEEEEEPY.
Did i mention creepy!!
next time you want to give my mom a day off try cooking.
ReplyDeleteThe hit is still on, he's tracked you down!
Yipes. Did he try showing you his nuggets?
ReplyDelete