Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Interview With A Wicked Witch Part 2


Producer's note: All footage was damaged due to the Flood of 2007 which is why you are having to read this interview instead of watching it on TV. Our fear is that in her anger, The Wicked Witch caused global warming which resulted in our horrible weather. Please do not anger her by mocking her interview in any way. We now know what she's capable of doing.

The following interview was originally to take place in front of a studio audience, unfortunately, some audience members tried to form a lynch mob and were immediately turned into dung beetles! Orpa decided to have a one on one with The Wicked Witch so as not to endanger anyone else.

No further news is available on the dung beetles (Lawsuit is pending)

Where we left off...

Orpa:
Are there any other witches more powerful than you?

WW:
There was one that came close, but when I was informed her weakness was Mickey Dee’s, I sent my monkeys to bring her food every hour. When she was too meat drunk to move, I made her explode. They recently discovered her remains in oil form near Azoobefar.

Orpa:
Where’s Azoobefar?

WW:
I believe I came here for personal questions not to give you a geography lesson.

[Orpa mumbles something under her breath that sounds like 'what a bitch' the WW smiles.]

Orpa:
Where do you take your broom to get serviced if it breaks down?

WW:
My broom is not mechanical. It is an ordinary broom you can find in any store. I’ve gone thru thousands of them.

Orpa:
Well if it’s just an ordinary broom, can I go and get mine and fly?

WW:
First, do you even know where your broom would be? Don’t you have people that wipe your nose for you? Anyway you cannot fly if you are not a witch.

Are you familiar with Santa’s sleigh? Well his sleigh runs on [gag] believing in him, sunshine and good wishes, I fly because of people’s fears.

Guess who flies higher and longer! Thanks to all the wusses out there who are afraid of the dark!

By the way I’ve only met Santa once and he is too saccharine sweet for me but I would keep an eye on him if I were you… Have things gone missing after he visits? That’s all I’m sayin’!

Orpa:
How dare YOU of all people imply Santa’s bad!

WW:
Hey! At least you know what I’m about! I never promised joy and happiness! I’m all about rage. … And money, if you have the bucks you can rent me for an hour. For spells gutter minds!

Orpa:
What happened in your childhood?

WW:
Nothing much happened in my childhood. My adoptive parents bought 2 monkeys to keep me company so that I wouldn’t have to go out in public. Little did they know they got me a male and a female which, after tons of inbreeding, provided me with my Monkey Army.

Orpa:
Do you have many friends?

WW:
Friends no. Frenemies yes.

Orpa:
What do you mean by "frenemies"?

WW:
People who are terrified of me but would rather stay on my good side so they do my bidding.
I guess I should start hanging out with more witches but they all think they’re prettier than me. Which, as you can see, they are mistaken!

Orpa:
If you could be any color besides green what would it be and why?

WW:
Let’s see… probably orange. I would want to be a color as offensive as green. It goes with my antisocial behavior…

Orpa:
Is your Wickedness a result of a broken heart?

WW:
No… I am happy to say, every warlock I’ve encountered has fallen for me as if in a strange spell...

[WW looks "angelicly" at the camera then wiggles her eyebrows]

Orpa:
What do you feed your flying monkeys?

WW:
If I told you what I fed my monkeys you’d form another lynch mob! But ONE of the things they like are toe nail clippings. They’d hang out a Nail Salons all day if I didn’t have a buzzer under their skin.

Orpa:
Are there any reptile ancestors in your family tree?

WW:
Very funny! Because I’m green right? Well I know who asked that question and I’ll be visiting you in your nightmares! Sweet dreams!

Orpa:
You still didn't answer... [cut off]

WW:
No! No reptiles!

Orpa:
At what age are you planning on retiring or do you plan on being on this shoe quest till your dying day?

WW:
I will never retire. Never Ever. I already have a back up plan in case a house falls on me. I’ve stored my DNA so that my Other will clone me… Well, I hope he does anyway, because you can’t always trust a warlock! By the way shoes are my passion!

Orpa:
Speaking of shoes, a walk in your shoes, can you please give us some insight or walk us through a day in the life of the WW?

WW:
A day in my life.
Well it starts with my Other banging the gong, not a euphemism we literally have a gong, to make me wake up.
We argue for about 10 minutes as to who is going to let the monkeys out, feed them etc.
He leaves to his energy thing. I go back to sleep. 2 hours later I wake up. I make sure my hair is flock of seagull-ish and go on to torment the world.

Orpa:
Where do you go to relax? The local mud hole?

WW:
I recently joined Alcholics Anonymous. I enjoy making them break their sobriety. [At Orpa's shocked expression she adds] Don't worry I always put them in a cab! Of course I give the cab driver the wrong directions but that's another story...

Orpa:
Do you live your life without regrets?

WW:
I only have one. And that's agreeing to this interview!

Orpa:
How and when did you find out that you would melt if you where in contact with water? Didn't you find out when you tried to bathe?

WW:
My adoptive parents would gather dead skin cells from the local skin buffing spa and scrub it all over me. I just assumed this is how everyone cleaned themselves.

[Orpa gags and asks for a break.]


Stay tuned for the last installment of The Wicked Witch Interview where she will discuss how she first found out water was her enemy, who wins the battle between her and Jeannie and what's under her dress...

30 comments:

  1. Oh, so you're the Wicked Witch of Alcoholics Anonymous?

    I'm the Wicked Witch Of Overeaters Anonymous......well, until I got too fat for my broomstick to carry me and I started missing meetings.

    ReplyDelete
  2. EWBL (EWL?):
    Here is the solution:
    you host them at your house... I'll bring the Nachos!

    BTW, thanks for creating the great "Virgin White Russian" controversy...

    ReplyDelete
  3. What? I get to battle the wicked Witch? she may have a band of monkeys but I have a dandy cock, a cricket breathed dog, and a bunch of fondue skewers to aid me in the battle of polka dots vs wicked witch!!
    not to mention a really long hose

    ReplyDelete
  4. Okay, I'm confused about this water thing, probably because I no nothing about WWs (never read Baum). Presumably the WW's water problem is only with water touching her skin - I mean, she must be able to drink, surely?

    I thought that the WW might have bathed in virgin's blood (the secret of eternal youth), like Elizabeth "Because I'm worth it" Bathory...

    ReplyDelete
  5. Okay you guys... do you realize that pretty soon... when people search google for "cock (rooster) and virign" they'll be directed to my blog??

    I guess that’s okay cuz then I’ll get more traffic…?

    Anyway…

    jean knee:
    My respects to your dressed up cock and your long hose…

    brian:
    I guess you’ll have to read Friday’s last installment when she does address that question…

    RE:Blood
    While I'm part vampire, the white part, WW is squeamish.

    BTW, you said you’d been to the US, I hope you didn’t visit TEXAS!

    [snicker]

    ReplyDelete
  6. brian:
    I just Wiki'd that chick you mentioned "Elizabeth Báthory" (cuz all of y'all know I'm not that smart) and she sounds like another villainess I will be looking up too...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Re: Bathory - One of the later Hammer films tells the story very well ("Countess Dracula"), though with lots of gratuitous nudity ;-)

    Re: Texas - I'm told there's not a lot there. Would they let me in? (I don't own a gun). I only ever go to Maryland/D.C.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Ha Ha Ha!
    Do you hear... err... read that Texans! (EWBL, JK, Big Texan)

    No gun no entry!
    Ha Ha Ha!

    Don't get mad at me that was Brian...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Whoa, now! I don't mean to offend anyone (Texan or not). I appreciate that you guys take yourselves a bit more seriously (in some ways) than we do...

    ReplyDelete
  10. brian:
    Don't say sorry, it was funny!

    It cracks me up cuz texans are always sayin stuff like "everything is bigger in Texas"

    It's my fault anyway cuz I started it...
    :o)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ok... I have to defend the Texan folks.

    As a wife of the Big Texan I do have to agree with what they say “EVERYTHING IS BIGGER IN TEXAS” and I will have to also add “EVERYTHING FROM TEXAS IS BIG”.

    ReplyDelete
  12. NANCY:

    GUAJGUWAHA <-- that is the sound of me throwing up!

    Ha Ha Ha!

    You guys know we're kidding right? You're not gonna send the Texas Mafia after us are you???

    ReplyDelete
  13. Now I really am confused:

    "As a wife of the Big Texan..."

    Aren't mormons from Utah???

    I think I'm out of my depth here ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Obviously I don't feel like working today...

    so...

    HA HA HA!

    ReplyDelete
  15. OOPS!!!

    I walked right in to that one!!!! (NOTE TO SELF: PROOF READ)

    That’s what I get for trying to multitask!!! I hate it when work gets in the way of having fun!!!

    Let me rephrase “As THE ONE AND ONLY wife of the Big Texan”...

    P.S. Hey Texan, can you please go pay these people a visit! Let’s see those BIG Texan muscles! :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Ok, so I have a question?

    How did we go from the WW to busting on Texas???

    Just curious... That’s seems like a BIG leap?

    ReplyDelete
  17. oye mijas porque pierden tiempo?

    ReplyDelete
  18. Nancy:
    a "big Texan" leap?
    too funny!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Re work: I should have the advantage here, because I'm 6 hours ahead, so I can sit in the comfort of my flat with 7:40 of uninterrupted work under my belt and get steadily less coherent on Retsina & Scotch, whilst interrupting your work ;-)

    On the other hand, I've done virtually no Greek this evening because of all this...

    I once had dealings with an American via work, and just before I met him in the US had a conversation with one of my (British) colleagues along the lines of:

    Me: He's amazing - he's so incredibly enthusiastic [Every line in the emails I used to get from him ended with several exclamation marks].

    Colleague: Well, the Americans say he's from Texas - apparently that explains it.

    I've never met anyone like him since - he was the same in real life as his emails...

    ReplyDelete
  20. brian:
    Nancy's Big Texan is the complete opposite.
    He's super shy and quiet!
    We (sister Nancy and I) are the loud ones.
    Well more Nancy... ;o)

    Now, get back to your Greek lessons!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Εντάξη, Μπη. Καληνύχτα! (Καλησπέρα στην ΗΠΑ).

    ReplyDelete
  22. brian:
    does that say...

    "yes ma'am" ?

    ReplyDelete
  23. Ha ha!
    It says something like "All right good night"!
    See I'm pretty smart! :op

    ReplyDelete
  24. Or babel fish is pretty smart. It says "OK, Bee. Goodnight! (good evening in the USA)"

    You realise that your blog has various Greek adverts (underneath the bit that says "Bee keeping you informed")?

    ...at least it does if you have your default browser language set to Greek...

    ReplyDelete
  25. The last part was driving me crazy!
    Ladies and Gents,
    let's recap:

    we talked about WW, alcholics, overeaters, cocks (roosters), virgins (drinks), vampire women, texans and greek...

    All in all a pretty good day worth of work!

    Tomorrow no internet for me!!!

    ReplyDelete
  26. YEAH RIGHT!

    I bet you are full of ideas for tomorrow's post.

    Got to go...

    See you in about 30 minutes if I don't toooooo much trafic and 45 if I do.

    ReplyDelete
  27. AGAIN!!! I need to proof read!

    See you in about 30 minutes if I don't GET toooooo much trafic and 45 if I do.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Nancy:
    I left work at 4:53 and got home at 5:01, there was traffic on B/R... :op

    ReplyDelete
  29. Three languajes... I am confused...

    SprmanTattoo

    ReplyDelete
  30. SprmanTattoo:
    Don't be confused... look at this as a way to expand your knowledge. That's what this blog is all about! :o)

    ReplyDelete

Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.