The tragic day Milton lost her trusty, thick, finger cushion-y, red pen. [TAN TAN TAN!]

Yes, the situation was as dire as the TAN TAN TAN implies.

The morning started like every other morning, you know, with me leaving a trail of tears to my desk? There were no ominous signs of things to come. There hadn't been a blood moon the night before. No dead crows on my desk. Nothing to tell me that I was in for a day in hell.

At about 10:30, I noticed Milton acting *unusually* erratic and chicken-y (that's when you move your head from side to side in a robotic fashion) so I innocently asked "everything okay?"

And I wished I hadn't.

Milton: I can't find my red pen. I had it here just a minute ago. [stops to stare out her window, I'm assuming she was calculating something really complicated that no ordinary short person could ever understand] I had it when I went to talk to Glynda but it never left my hand.

Still Milton: Then I went to the bathroom but I didn't take it in there with me. I left it in the kitchen. When I came out of the bathroom, I know I grabbed it because I also had some crackers and I was balancing those along with the pen, my water and a chart.

And she continues: Then I stopped to talk to Toto because I liked her cardigan. She told me she got it last season for- [at this point, I blanked out so I'm not sure what else Toto and she discussed regarding last season's fashions].

On and on she goes: Then Glynda came and gave me the mail while I was still talking to Toto. I put down all my stuff so that I may reorganize everything and carry it all more efficiently.

At this point I can see stars spinning around my head.

Rambling Milton: I put the mail on top of the chart and stuffed it under my left arm. I held my water in my left hand and the crackers and pen in my right. I went to the front desk to relieve CL for a potty break. I put my stuff down again, drank some water, ate a couple of crackers and made notes in the chart with my red pen. [shows me chart with red penned notes]

The adventure? It continues: When CL came back, I came back to my desk where I arranged my water and crackers to my right and the chart, mail, pen to my left. 

Milton [looks at me suspiciously]: I went to grab a notepad and when I got back to my desk, my pen was missing.I've spent an hour looking for it and retraced my steps multiple times with no luck. [sighs and shrugs] I can't figure it out!

Me [after clearing my throat to remove the dust and cobwebs]: Can you just get another pen?

Milton [obviously insulted]: This was a special pen! It was thick and had a special finger cushion! I NEED THAT ONE!

Me: Eh, okay? Did you alert everyone so they could be on the look out?

Milton: No! It has to be right here! I just haven’t looked under the right pile of papers! Or maybe it rolled under my desk!

Me: Listen, we can help you look for it. Just stop freaking out.

Milton [looks around wildly]: It can’t have disappeared! I need it to make my notes!

Me: Let me just--

Just then, I was interrupted by Glynda walking into the office.

Glynda: Here you go, Milton, you left your pen at my table. [walks back out of the room]

Milton: But. . . What? How? [moves around the office all herky jerky]

Me: ::sigh:: Don't try to figure it out. Just be happy you have your pen back. [but I knew deep deep down she would not stop talking until she made sense of it in her head]

Milton: This can't be my pen! I had my pen everywhere I went! No! This isn't right! [starts mumbling] I made all these notes with a red pen! Was it my red pen? Did I steal someone’s pen...

And on and on and on!

Pens, highlighters, staples create nothing but drama in this freaking office.

Ah, you thought cakes were only dangerous because they make your butt bigger...

Have you missed the fact that I haven't posted about Milton? Would you like a little Milton today?

As I've said before, sometimes I wonder if we are secretly being filmed by some far off extraterrestrials that get their giggles from us, the lesser beings (well, you guys maybe lesser but me? I'm a woman and a half which makes for difficulty in buying clothes). To those extraterrestrials I say "SCREW YOU!" and I say it in a shrill, obnoxious voice right into their mics so I may annoy the shit out of them!

Yesterday, day of the lord Thursday, also known as Treat Day or Social Thursday here at the Asylum, I made the innocent mistake of saying the following to Milton: "Yum!! Glynda brought RedVelvet cake!"

I know! How stupid can I be?? Why would that be the first thing I say in the morning? What happened to just plain ole' "good morning" and then a mouthful of shutty??

You see this prompted Milton to debate my saneness.

Milton: "Who brought RedVelvet cake? I thought you said Glynda."

I did say Glynda because she brought the cake.

Milton: "Did you mean Scarecrow? Because it's her week to bring in treats and Glynda isn't on the rotation to bring treats so I think you meant Scarecrow."

No, I meant Glynda—

Milton: "Why would Glynda bring in treats? That just doesn't make sense! Are you sure it wasn't Scarecrow?" [and she stood up as if to emphasis what I dumbass I am for getting two completely different people mixed up]

Glynda brought the cake because—

Milton: "Scarecrow. You mean Scarecrow." [and she gave me that look that shows she is trying her hardest not to lose her patience]

Hey, how about you let me complete sentence? GLYNDA BROUGHT A CAKE FOR HER BIRTHDAY!

Milton: "Glynda's birthday? [she blinked about 20 times] Scarecrow brought a cake for GLYNDAY'S birthday?"

No. Glynda bought herself, Glynda, a birthday cake because tomorrow is her, Glynda's, birthday. No to Scarecrow. NO TO SCARECROW. NO TO SCARECROW!!!

Milton: "Is Scarecrow still bringing cheese and crackers??"

At the end of the fuckin day I was calling Scarecrow Glynda and vice-versa. Maybe I was wrong and don't really know everything? Maybe I'm really Milton?

Somebody?

Anybody?

3 Scoops of crazy

So, yesterday was a quiet day at the Asylum. OZ is on vaca which means no Tinman, patients or URGENT ISSUES THAT NEED TO HAVE BEEN TAKEN CARE OF YESTERDAY. Cowardly Lion took a vacation day too so it was just Milton, Glynda, Scarecrow and I in the office. I didn’t think anything could possibly go wrong or “Asylum-y” because how much can happen when there are only FOUR people in the office?

Well…

Milton: I was going to make coffee but I realized you were the only coffee drinker in today. [pause] [clears throat] [stares at me]

Me: And?

Milton: Well, I was wondering if you just wanted to walk to the gas station [clears throat] and buy yourself a coffee instead of me making a [clears throat] whole pot just for you.

Me: So, instead of having free coffee that doesn’t involve me leaving the office, you want me to trudge through the mud and pay for my coffee? No. I think I’ll go with option easy and have the office coffee. I can make the coffee if it’s too much trouble!

Milton: No, it’s not just that. I don’t see why we should make a whole pot when you’ll only have about 2 cups. [pause] [clears throat] [stares some more]

Me: Uh, can you just make 4 cups instead of 12?

Milton: Would you drink all 4 cups? [sits down and fires up her electronic calculator] Because I guess I can figure out how many scoops I’d have to use for 4 cups. [calculator noises] If we normally use 3 scoops for 12 cups [calculator noises] are you sure you can drink all 4 cups [calculator noises] because I can make 2 cups [calculator noises] after I figure out how many scoops I’d need for 4 cups [calculator paper feed noise]

… in the meantime, I had written down a big number *ONE* on a piece of paper and was waiting patiently for her to turn around…

Milton: I would have to use one scoop for 4 cups…

I flashed her the big number ONE I had written down.

Milton: If you knew that, why didn’t you tell me!

Me: you didn’t give me a chance!

Milton: I’ll just make half a scoop worth of coffee so it won’t go to waste.

Me: Will you make all 4 cups if I promise to lick every single drop out of the coffee pot? Even the condensation from the steam on the top of the machine?

Milton: There’s no call for such exaggeration!

Me: I’ll even squeeze all the liquid out of the coffee grounds.

Milton: Hurmpf! [stalks out of the room to make coffee]

I’ll be honest, at that point, I was over the need for coffee since I had just gotten my Asylum wake up call. What I really wanted was a big steaming cup of GETMETHEHELLOUTTAHERE!

I don't dine on swine.

The other day (not sure which because I no longer keep track of weekdays), Milton, Glynda and I were talking about dinner meals we've had. I know! Interesting topics we explore here at Asylumland. I was talking about the Coq Au Vin Andy made for dinner (see big boob above) and Glynda was talking about the deli sandwich she had and then Milton was talking about the pork roast her husband made.

Milton: The pork roast was delicious but I had to keep drinking water all evening and I'm even parched today! I think it must be because pigs are saltier than all other animals, right?

You know that screeching record sound effect they do on the radio or TV when somebody says something so outrageous everything comes to a halt? Well, I heard that noise in my brain.

Glynda and I looked at each other and silently told each other to play along.

Me/Glynda: Saltier?

Milton: Well ham is salty and so is bacon and those come from pigs.

Me: Uh, yeah. They are saltier than other animals. I think it's because they lay in mud all the live long day.

Milton: Really? How does that affect the pig?

Me: Have you ever tasted dirt? [Milton shakes her head] Well dirt has these natural seasonings so it's like they're marinating until the day they're pork chops, or in your case, pork roasts.

Milton: Oh, I didn't know that. [taps her pen on her chin, I KNEW something awesome was coming!] Because ham and bacon are saltier, do they raise those pigs in a different type of dirt? Or maybe a different climate?

Me: I think so. I've heard New Mexico has really salty dirt so maybe the ham pigs are from there. I've even heard that people walk right up to the pigs and just take a bite  to determine their saltiness.

Milton [horrified]: That's cruel- [notices Glynda and I covering our faces to hide our giggles] hey! You're pulling my leg!

Me [laughing so hard tears are pooling on my third chin]: I'm sorry! I couldn't resist!

Milton: I should have known! [thinks] So where do you think the saltier pigs are really from?

Me [completely losing control]: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Glynda: Pigs are NOT salty! The ham and bacon are cured that way!

Milton: Are you sure?

Me: Do you want to taste the dirt on my shoe to see if it’s salty enough to raise pigs here?? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

And almost as if the pigs overheard our conversation: Pigs loose on Indiana Toll Road after semi overturns

My theory is that they were looking for a BBQ Sauce Mud Puddle. MMMMMMMM!

Bagel Day vs Day Off

Arkham Asylum has a long standing tradition where its employees bring their own cake on their birthdays (sucky tradition, yes?). It’s all fine and good until we hit July and August. July because there are 5 people with July birthdays which means a ton of cake in the kitchen which may sound like a good time but the reality is people nearly coming to blows because they cannot find space for their lunches in the mini fridge.

August is hard because it is Milton’s birthday month.

Every year we have to go through a series of polls and questionnaires provided by Milton and after we’ve answered everything to her satisfaction, she inputs the info in her Miltonwasteoftime Machine and buys the cake according to that information.

This year, however, we were all taken by surprise when she announced at morning meeting that instead of cake she was bringing bagels. There was a moment of stunned silence because nobody knows how to react to a change in routine (especially when it’s coming from Milton who is the Queen of all OCD routines) but I managed to squeak out an “awesome!” so that we could move on and not stand around staring at the wormhole that just appeared before us.

As the day grew closer to her Bagel Celebration, she kept asking me people if they would be at work on Thursday day of the lord the 18th because she wanted everybody to partake in cheesy bagels. Everybody reassured her that they would not be taking a vacation day so life ran smoothly, or as smooth as life can run when you work in a nuthouse, until this morning.

Cowardly Lion (to me): Can you give me direction on this issue? I want to get it done so I don’t have to worry about it because I’m taking tomorrow off.

Me: — [gets interrupted by a maniac]

Milton [jumps put of her chair]: BUT I TOLD EVERYBODY TOMORROW IS BAGEL DAY!

CL [taken aback and grabbing on to the back of my chair]: Oh. Yeah, I forgot.

Milton [relieved]: Okay, so you’ll be here, right?

CL [almost crawling on my lap]: No. I need to do something—

Milton: BUT IT’S BAGEL DAY! I GAVE EVERYBODY ENOUGH WARNING!

CL: I—

Milton [face red, cheeks puffing]: I WAS PLANNING ON BUYING A BAKER’S DOZEN! HOW IS THAT GOING TO WORK NOW? CAN YOU RESCHEDULE YOUR DAY OFF??

CL: No! I can eat my bagel on Friday! It’s just a bagel!

Oh lord. Knowing Milton as well as I do I knew that was the wrong thing to say because bagels are sacred to dear old Milton.

Milton: BUT IT’S BAGEL DAY! WE DON’T GET THOSE OFTEN ANYMORE! [and then she went into a weird quiet trance] I guess I can wrap it up for her in plastic wrap. Maybe I’ll put it in a bag too so it doesn’t get hard. [walks back to her desk muttering under her breath] gobbledegook bagel day…

In the meantime, CL is scratching at my sweater and I’m trying to pretend I’m in Hawaii.

I just found out a moment before I hit publish that CL will only be taking a half a day vacation so she'll be here in the morning for bagels. Ladies and gents, I wish I was making this up.

The longest day in history!

So...
.
It all started with me running late as per usual. They'd already started morning meeting so I caught the last words of Cowardly Lion volunteering us to take on more of Purple Dino-SOUR's workload.
I hadn't even finished punching in when I was already telling everybody they could go to H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS!
I was very uh... clear as to my feelings and the fact that OZ didn't want to pay me more and he didn't want PD to work more hours.
I believe the phrase "He can kiss my ass!" made it into morning meeting for the first time EVER! And if it was said before, it was probably said by me.
.
Anyway, this set the tone for everybody declaring war on their fellow human being. CL took it personally and started her passive aggressive rampage while I shook my little Elf pin that Natalia gave me at everybody and would laugh like a lunatic when it's legs did a jig!
.
THE MILTON SAGA:
On to the important business of ordering the dinner for our party.
Since we were paying for it ourselves, we decided that the most economical way to go would be to order pizza. Easy enough you say? You obviously are not familiar with The Asylum.
First we had to fill out some paperwork.


Milton then entered all information into an excel grid and cross referenced to see who was compatible with who.
I was "lucky" enough to have Milton and Glynda as my sharers of delicious Giordano's pizza.
On to the next step right? No. Milton decided she wanted to order enough for her lunch/dinner tomorrow for her and her husband and order a ginormous one. I had to put my foot down (on her face) and tell her a medium would do.
SHE THEN PULLED OUT A RULER TO EXPLAIN WHAT THE DIAMETER OF THE PIZZA WOULD BE!!!

I know what you're thinking right now, "oh, that Bee and her silly tales!"
I wish I was making this stuff up I really do...
Luckily, Glynda agreed with me so she was outvoted.
We'll come back to Milton later.
.
THE COWARDLY LION SAGA:
I innocently went to ask her if she wanted to get coffee while I watched the phones.
Her response:
I DON'T KNOW WHY EVERYBODY ALWAYS FEELS SORRY FOR PD!!!
Bee:
No coffee then. [I walked away]
CL:
She wastes so much time and nobody cares!! I refuse to feel pity for her!!
Bee: [I come back]
Would you rather we felt sorry for you??
CL:
[Throws stuff around but there's silence]
.
After that exchange, whenever she would walk anywhere she would stomp around. Then I saw the most heartbreaking thing ever... SHE REMOVED HER JINGLE BELL NECKLACE!


I could picture her slamming it on her desk saying, "Screw this, I'm not going to be happy today!" Cuz we all know happiness lies in jingle bells!
Poor poor CL...
.
THE SCARECROW SAGA:
She sadly missed morning meeting. She said it was because of the trains that got in her way but from the smell of her I think she imagined the trains as she exercised her drinking arm. It's sad but true folks, she reeked of booze and cigarettes!
Anyway, she had called Glynda and said she'd prefer to order from some other restaurant but she would go with the majority. The majority wanted pizza but for some reason Scarecrow did not know the true meaning of "majority rules" and threw a tantrum that would make a 2 year old proud.
"Guaaa I don't want pizza! I wanted a beef sandwich!"
.
But you can order a beef sandwich from Giordano's
.
"I don't like it from Giordano's!! Guaa Guaa!"
.
Toto finally convinced her to have pizza and gave her her pacifier full of booze.
.
THE MILTON SAGA:
Her final grid was done, she was ready to order when I say.
"Can you order me a soda?"
WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING!??!?!?
Milton:
Well that will complicate the order!
Bee:
What? What is so complicated? Do you need me to type it into your grid??
Milton:
I already added everything and know how much everyone owes... I'd hhh-ave to uh... add the... not sure how much it...
Bee:
FORGET IT!! Why do you have to make EVERYTHING so difficult?!
Milton:
I suppose I can...
Bee:
DON'T DO ME ANY FAVORS!!
.
THE BEE SAGA:
I walked over to Glynda's office closed the door and said,
"I will not participate in next years office party! These ladies are beyond ridiculas! Look at my pin! It's sad now. It's not doing anymore jigs! I was in a good mood for shitsake! And soda complicates the order? How much is it? $1.50? CL thinks she's ruler of the universe, and Scarecrow is making me high just standing next to her! You know, she's probably on to something! Maybe I should go have some bonding moments with her while I guzzle some vodka!"

Glynda was of no help since she was laughing her over-caffeinated butt off at my tragedy.
.
THE CHRISTMAS TREE SAGA:

Nah, it didn't have a saga but this ginormous tree puts Archibald the Ugly to shame... ;o)
My sock gift was hypocritically received! Okay, I also gave her a fancy necklace. I found a box for the crap I gave her at the last minute but I had to take out my snowglobe... :o(



What did I get you ask, well... I got a used book. Yup! Used. CL got me in the secret Santa and even though the limit was $15, I got 'Marley and Me' along with some coffee stains and crinkled pages. The book mark looked new though so that about evens it out right?


Oh yeah, we also managed to get some work done but not much! On to plan my revenge for ruining My Jiggy Elf's Happy Christmas Dinner. He didn't even enjoy the pizza! It gave him heartburn...

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM GLYNDA AND THE BATS!


Left to right.

Toto, CL, Milton, Scarecrow, PD, Glynda.

I don't feel guilty. Like Col. Jessep said, "I'm gonna rip the eyes out of your head and piss into your dead skull!"

WARNING!!!
I'm about to remove the lid off of some pent up anger and it might get ugly for a few minutes. Everything works out fine at the end but you might be tempted to come give me a hug- CONTROL THAT URGE!
As I'm typing this, I'm listening to my Brazilian/Paris lounge CD (Thanks Jai!!!) and a cool breeze is bringing in the smell of lilac and magnolia so I'm fine now.

Ready? I'm removing the lid. I suggest you take a couple steps back.

╝╝╝╝╝╝╝╝╝╝╝╝╝╝╝╝╝╝╝╝
I haven't been posting about The Bats lately because they've all been having serious family issues. I do have some sense of decency buried somewhere deep deep inside of me so I've tried not to harass them too much lately.
They each have something on their mind far more serious than a shorty co-worker calling them stupid every time they take a breath (although they are stupid).

Anyway, on Fridays, the office closes at 3:00 and people get to leave shortly after that. Except for me OF COURSE! I'm lucky enough to have my meeting with OZ and get to stay and talk about all the lawyers I've mocked and made cry during the week. Although it's fun, I'd rather get the hell out of my torture chamber as soon as humanly possible. On those rare Fridays we don't meet, I also join the rest of the dummies in the sprint towards the time clock at 2:59.

When OZ's patient load is light, I'll ask to meet with him during office hours that way I can have my meeting over and done with so I may leave early. I've done this for the TWO AND A HALF YEARS I'VE BEEN AT THE ASYLUM.

My hours have always varied since I might have to stay later to translate or OZ might need me to give him an update on an account he absolutely needs to know about RIGHT BEFORE I LEAVE FOR THE DAY. This was all explained to me prior to me starting at Arkham Asylum. In other words I can come in when I want and, if not needed, leave earlier. Again, I've done this for TWO AND HALF YEARS.

Sorry I'm dragging to get to my point but I need to give some history leading up to my day yesterday.

A couple of months ago, I met with OZ early and was done with our meeting by 2:30. I asked Glynda if I could leave and she waved good-bye.

When Milton found out she asked "Do we all get to go home now or just you?"

Me:
Uh, just me.

Milton:
Well, that's not fair!

Me:
Then ask if you can leave too. I'm done with my meeting so that means I can leave early.

Milton:
By early I thought you'd leave at 3 not 2.

Me: [losing it]
What's the difference it's HALF AN HOUR?? It's not like I'm going to get paid for that HALF HOUR!

Milton sat there, her face blotchy red, fuming. I punched out and went home. I couldn't understand why she was so upset since the few times he's told us to leave early, she usually stays until she finishes whatever project she started. If he would have told everybody to leave she still would've stayed late!

Do you know what this snot rag did??? She pulled out the employee manual and cried on Glynda's shoulder! I didn't find out until last week when they fucked me over by taking my vacation time on a couple of days I left early!

I asked Glynda and Milton, they claimed company policy. I let them know that I was the exception because of the reasons I stated above. They didn't budge from their little united front.
I was sooo pissed off I didn't know how I should handle the situation. The family was telling me I should demand my vacation time back and although I agreed, I wasn't sure I wanted to go to that extreme. My day on Friday was so unbelievable shitacular that it made the decision for me.

I asked Milton how many vacation hours I had left since I was going to bring it to OZ's attention. She panicked and brought Glynda, both tried to dissuade me out of talking about it with him at meeting. I let them know that I was going thru with it and no matter what happened, I was prepared to be disappointed. I think they each shit their pants right then and there.

Once I was in my meeting with OZ and Glynda:

Me:
I'd like to talk about my Work Schedule. When I first started I was also told my hours were flexible since I might have to stay later on some days but had the option to come in later the next day. I've been doing this for over 2 years and just recently my vacation time has been deducted.

OZ:
What? [looks at Glynda] Why was this done?

Glynda:
Company policy blah blah

OZ:
What was Teri's [lucky bitch who escaped and I replaced] schedule? She was flexible wasn't she? We never took her vacation time when she left early! Why are you doing that now???

Glynda:
Policy blah blah

OZ:
[to me] How many hours did they take?

Me:
About 8 that I know of.

OZ:
[to Glynda] DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO TO REINSTATE THOSE HOURS!

Glynda:
But she was already paid-

OZ:
DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO TO REINSTATE THOSE HOURS! I'M NOT TELLING YOU AGAIN!!

Glynda:
I'll have to tell Milton-

OZ:
Is she here? Bring her in here!

[Milton had been about to leave and had her running shoes on ready to leap tall buildings]

OZ:
[to Milton]
How many hours does Bianca have left? 16? I need you to bring give her an additional 30.

[gasps were heard all around, I won't lie to you, I was one of the gaspers]

Milton:
But... we... I... wacka wacka

OZ:
This will be our way of making amends and correcting this mistake! Do what you have to do right now! Do I need to sign something? Bring it and I'll sign it right now! DO NOT DOCK HER PAY FOR WHAT SHE'S BEEN PAID ALREADY!
I need you both to think twice before making decisions like this without consulting me first!

So that clinched it for me right there. I will be the most hated person in the office. I kinda like it!

When I was telling my family peeps, I kept wondering out loud why they would fuck with me like that? You'd figure they know me better by now! Just yesterday they transferred a psychopathic patient to me so I could put her in her place. They gathered around to listen to my whiskey/honey voice show her who was the Alpha Bitch!

Why would they think I'm going to let a couple of light weights try to step on me? I go for the jugular any time I feel I'm being attacked! Just ask the multitude of attorneys who swing their dicks my way only to jump back screaming like the little girls they are!

I need to know why they would go out of their fuckin way to irritate me when all I do is work my ass off for that place! I'm constantly fixing their mistakes. I have to hold their hands and make decisions they no longer have the brain power to do on their own!

I once told a worker (at a place I managed) that I wasn't there to be liked (yes one of the ones I made cry) and I had no qualms in sending her home if she didn't straighten up her act.
My job is a JOB. I hate it when it leaks into my home life and that's what this fuckin' place has been doing!

They had the balls to ask me if I was going to invite them to my sister's baby-shower. I told them no, but if they wanted to bring a gift to work and leave it by my desk I'd probably take it. Why the hell would I want them in my personal life??

I know it's not fair that I now have a total of 46 hours plus the ones he already paid me but... you know what I have to say about that? They can fuck off and kiss my ass!

That ladies and gents, was Fuck Off Friday on a Saturday!!

Can you imagine Milton delivering your pizza and scolding you because your order isn't logical?

I was ordering OZ’s lunch (yep that is a shitload of responsibility right there!) and Milton, as the bookkeeper, asked me if I thought $1.50 was enough for a tip.

Me: I think that’s too low—

Milton: But they also charge a $2.50 delivery fee so he’d be getting a total of $4!

Me: You asked for my opinion and I gave it to you. [which I should have learned by now that it’s best to staple my tongue to my lower lip so that I don’t get myself into these volatile situations]  ::shrug:: Give him what you think is fair.

Milton: If I do that, he’d only be getting the delivery fee. That delivery driver has a good gig if you think about it!

Me: [pounds head on keyboard, realizes it’s not painful enough, dunks fingers in coffee then flicks wet fingers at active outlets] I don’t think the delivery driver would agree since gas prices are so high…

Milton: [dismissing my comment] I’ve been thinking that, when I retire, I’ll probably look at getting a cushy job like that.

Me: [shaking head to make sure I heard right] You want to be a food delivery person??

Milton: Maybe. How hard can it be?

Me: What will you do the first time somebody tells you they’re not going to tip you because your delivery fee should be enough?

Milton:  I’d explain that the tip is for the wear and tear to my car.

Me: ::blink blink:: Can’t you use that same logic when it comes to our delivery guy?

Milton: Why should I? Let him come and argue his point!

I’m planning on moving as far away from her as soon as I can. I’d say maybe even a different galaxy but it is apparent she doesn’t reside in the same one the rest of us “normals” do.

Blue, Black, Purple, it's all the same to Milton.

I hardly ever pay attention to the words that are coming out of Milton's mouth anymore. I'm too busy and tired on a normal day and she usually picks a topic and then goes on and on in her soft whiny voice that sounds a lot like the old lady from Poltergeist. "Would you like some cheese, Carol Anne?"

I let her ramble and every once in a while, I throw in a "mmhm", "wow" or "yeah" and she keeps on goin'! But today? Today she had my full attention! Sort of.

I was listening to Hotel California (classic!) and trying to concentrate on an account when I heard Milton mumble about some man she had just spoken to on the phone that didn't agree with his bill. This is what I heard:

"mumble mumble blah blah I'm going to blue ball that man!"

Me: [*::blink blink:: wiggle fingers in ears*] Uh, what did you say??

Milton: I'm just so frustrated! I know I can't actually blue ball him since it's not my company but I can dream, can't I?

Me: ::snicker:: You dream of blue balling him?? ::hee hee!::

Milton: Yes I do! In fact there's a bunch of others I'd like to blue ball while I'm at it!

Me: BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!

Milton: [laughing] I know I'm being silly.

Me: I think you mean *blackball*

Milton: Black ball, blue ball, you know what I mean!

Me: Yep. I know exactly what you mean but for future reference, the slang for blue balls is [and I showed her the definition on my iphone because she's my mother's age and I really do not want to talk about blue balls with her but I wanted to inform her for her protection and hen not talk about it again. With her ever.]

Milton: Oh no! [turns purple] I've said *blue ball* all my life! In fact! I used that same expression with the pastor last Sunday! I told him he needed to bring his wife's brownies more often or we were going to blue ball him from his own church!

That. Is AWESOME!

And now, just for you jean knee, some Milton!

So, as some of you may know, Milton is Arkham Asylum's *female* accountant (I'm pointing out that she's female because I gave her a male name and people always call her *he* or *him* and she's not either). As a person, I like her very much and she's been to my house and we've done yard sales and also skipped hand in hand through a field of daisies. Sometimes, however, she has me questioning God's plan.

Anyway, tomorrow (or if you're reading this on Friday it's today and if you're reading this 6 months from now it was 8/20 and if you're reading this in the future, pick me out the winning lottery numbers) is her birthday so as is tradition here in the Asylum, she had to bring her cake in on Thursday (because everything is celebrated on Thursday due to the fact that OZ is in surgery and therefore does not make an appearance).

We prepared the cake by lighting the candles and then waited for her to walk into the kitchen so we could *surprise* her with the cake she brought in. When we saw her shadow rounding the corner, we yelled out "surprise" and sang Happy Birthday (I did a little dance for her too. Luckily there is no video evidence of this tomfoolery!) and then we waited patiently while she cut the cake.

Well, "waited patiently" may be exaggerating a bit because the cutting of the cake took a FREAKIN life of its own!

Please, come in and observe.

Milton [as she sticks knife in cake]: Oh dear! I went slightly off center.

Me, Cowardly Lion, Scarecrow, Toto (and the new addition to the team, uh, we'll call her Lucy and I'll tell you about her another time)(hopefully): ::unbelieving stare::

Milton: I think I will cut it in 4 pieces first and then divide it from there. [stands back to take a better look, in the meantime, the knife is at a 789 degree angle, in the cake]

Me: I don't care if my piece is lopsided. I'll just eat it with my head tilted at an angle so that will even it out.

Milton [squinting, looking for imaginary lines]: No, I'll slide the knife a little to the right and it should be fine. [slides knife and stands back again to inspect the results][I AM NOT EVEN MAKING THIS SHIT UP!]

Me [I put my hand on the knife's handle]: Uhm, how about I just cut the cake so we can get on with the eating?? I NEED SUGAR! [okay, I probably didn't need it because I was already all buzzed up on the 'feine ]

Milton [slaps my hand away]: Hey! At least I'm not doing what I do at home!

Me: I'm afraid to ask . . .

Milton [looks at me and adjusts her glasses]: I use a tape measure, of course!

Me, Cowardly Lion, Scarecrow, Toto and Lucy: ::unbelieving stare, mouth wide open::

Milton [looks at us with a serious smile]: Who wants the first symmetrical piece?

Welcome FOFOAS

So...
I know you guys have been worried, thinking Andy had finally buried me under my magnolia tree but I'm still alive and kickin' ass!

Anyway, I took Thursday and Friday off of work so I may do last minute preparations for Sister Nancy's baby-shower.
On Thursday we had Niece Natalia's graduation and I discovered I couldn't find my purse and freaked THE HELL OUT! I thought I might have left it at work but then I said to myself, 'wouldn't they have called me?' I decided to call Glynda's cell but she didn't answer so I left her a voicemail. I put the *freak out* on hold so that I could enjoy my niece's celebration.

We arrived at the ceremony early hoping to get good seats and scored 2 in the first row. This was my view at the beginning. Natalia is the perfect little lady in the middle.
Doesn't this tell you what these kids' personalities will be like when they grow up? To her left are the Frat boys but lets zoom in on the kids to her right.



The kid is diggin for gold and the other little girl is asking Natalia if she can believe the kid is in knuckle deep!

After about 5 minutes, this was my view:

Ass here, ass there, asses asses everywhere! What the fuck!! I know people are trying to get pictures of their kids but how about some fuckin' courtesy to the people that got there early? Maybe kneel on the floor??

I got up but then this jag stood in front of me. I continued taking pictures and muttering things like "Oh what a nice view I have! Stupid lady's ass. Idiot giant man's head" over and over until Andy came and took the camera from me. I didn't want to start a brawl at my niece's Pre-K graduation but I was ready to rumble! Asswipes! They can fuck off!

Luckily the ceremony didn't last too much longer and we got to the important business of celebrating by eating cake and ribs IN THAT ORDER CUZ WE'RE REBELS!

When I got home, I continued my insane worrying about my purse. Did I leave it on the roof of my car when I left work Wednesday and just drove off (NOT AN UNCOMMON THING FOR ME TO DO) Did I drop it? My driver's license is in it, my debit card, my cherry lollipop...

I kept waking up during the night with my first thought being what a hassle it would be to replace all that crap! Then, at 7:55 AM on Friday morning, Glynda called to tell me she got my message and yes I had left my purse at work, and I quote, "Milton found it so I don't know if she went thru it"

Now remember peoples. I could not drive to pick it up since I did not have a driver's license. Being the brilliant problem solver that I am, I asked my sister to pick it up on her way home from the doctor since she was coming to my house to pick up a 5 year old who had happened to camp out in my living room. Great idea right? Sounds reasonable doesn't it?

Bee:

Hi Milton. I was wondering if you could give my sister my purse and my paycheck since she'll be driving by in a few minutes.

Milton:

Well... uhm... I uhm... she... uhm needs... you need to give her a letter of authorization.

... ... Do you understand what this would mean? If she had to come all the way to my house, what would be the point of the freakin' letter?? I could just go with her!

Bee:

Transfer me to Glynda.

Milton:

I... uh... to Glynda?

I talked to Glynda and explained the asinine suggestion of the dumbass! She gave the okay to release my purse from captivity to my capable sister.

I know what you're going to say "Rules are rules. Corporate America yadda yadda" Why do you always take Milton's side? We are a small office and they have all met my sister. Milton has been to her house for a house warming party. Glynda said I should just give them a letter on Monday to appease Milton so here's a little preview:

I herby authorize, by the power vested in me, sister on her way home from Ob/Gyne, need ID for booze, paycheck for crack...

That way Milton will know that what I'm really saying is that she can Fuck Off!

Last but not least, while I was cleaning my back porch, I moved a box and this ginormous woman eating bug jumped out at me and hissed!!

Okay, it didn't jump. Or hiss. But it still scared the shit out of me forcing me to stand up quickly and bang my head on the window's door. (My windows open in, like mini french doors) I swear I saw stars! My ears went numb, I got dizzy, Brad Pitt was standing in front of me.

If I wouldn't have been so determined to stay upright, I might have ended up face down in a pile of old shoes and peanut shells (don't ask). Now I have a goose egg on the top of my head and look like this:

Don't worry. That bug has now left our realm.

I'm tired now so how's about clicking on Humor-Blogs for me? I'm not trying to force you or anything but if you click on Humor-Blogs, my headache might go away.

P.S.

Nothing scares an insomniac more than a TV that's set up to go on at 1:30 in the morning!! Who does that??

This is the person that handles the payroll!

Okay. I am not making this up. OZ bought a new “accounting” computer for Milton because the one she was using is from the stone age and it finally just about blew up. They bought new software for it and she had been trying to register the software for over an hour.

Me: Uh, that computer isn’t hooked up to the internet so you won’t be able to register the software online.

Milton: I know the old one was able to be registered so I should be able to register this one!

Me: [was about to say maybe they registered it on installation but shrugs and bows out of the issue because I really don’t give a shit]

Then I hear her on the phone with tech support:

Milton: I am trying to register your software on your website but I keep getting error messages. [listens to tech support] Hold on, I’ll try that but the computer is on the other side of the room. I’ll be right back.

Because the computer is on the other side that’s how we role at the Asylum make everything difficult for everybody.

Me: Why don’t you pick up Cowardly Lion’s phone? It’s closer and you don’t have to be jumping back and forth.

Milton: Em well um I- no, this is fine.

::sigh::

She goes back to tech support and says:

Milton: Tried it but it still gives me the same error message. [listens] The message says [looks at a piece of paper where she wrote down the error message] “cannot locate internet connection. check your internet connection”. [listens] Okay, I’ll try that.

Gets up again and turns the computer this way and that. Pushes cables deep and tries again.

Milton: No, it still gives me the same message.

This goes on for a very very long time but finally:

Milton: Does it make a difference if this computer is not connected to the internet? … Hello? Hello? [I’m assuming the tech support person had to take a moment to compose themselves.] Why does it have to be connected to the internet? I’m not going to be doing anything online?
At that point I got up and took a walk around the building.

Milton is full of *heavy* air?

I had a little trouble sleeping the other night and I was telling Milton about it because I tend to forget how a normal conversation can go dramatically wrong when talking to Milton.

Me: I woke up at about 3 a.m. and felt like I had a bubble of air trying to work its way out of my throat and I felt like was asphyxiating. I got up and the air came hissing out of my mouth like a punctured tire and it went on for what felt like 3 minutes. It was so weird!

Milton: I wonder if air makes you gain weight.

Me: Uh, what? Like if you inhale too much of it, you get fat? Is that what you mean?

Milton: No, no I know we can't fat from air [right because I'm the one that's being ridiculous!] I just mean that if I'm gassy and go weigh myself, will I weigh more than when I'm not gassy?

Me: . . .

Milton: Next time that happens to you, go weigh yourself before you burp and then weigh yourself after you burp just as a mini experiment.

Me: I thought I was going to die! I don't think I would have had the presence of mind to put on a robe, knock around in the dark as I walk to the bathroom and then weigh myself!

Milton: Just out of curiosity, what did you eat? Did you drink a lot of Pepsi? I think I'm going to try get gassy tonight and then weigh myself. I'll tell you tomorrow what happened.

Me: Please don't.

War— I mean WORK stories.

It’s been a while since I regaled you with the adventures of Arkham Asylum. Today we will feature:

Milton (female), the bookkeeper (one of my favorites).

Scarecrow, the spastic x-ray tech.

Purple Dino-SOUR, the world’s most useless human.

And because I do like to mock myself from time to time, Bee, the cool chick.

When last we left Arkham, the biddies were devising new ways to mentally torture our favorite character, Bee.

Milton

Milton:
Do you know who threw out the green scott brite dish sponge?

Bee:
The ugly dingy one that no longer made suds and was even oily and black?

(That's not it. It looks better than the one I threw away)

Milton:
Yeah, that one.

Bee:
No.

[I actually had it wrapped in a paper towel in my purse. I know that sounds weird but this thing was revolting and she was using it to wash the forks and spoons I use to eat my food. Which means they go in my mouth. I couldn’t throw it away in any of the garbage cans because…]

Milton:
I looked in the garbage cans and it’s not in any of them. They had to have thrown it out at some point yesterday before the cleaning crew came.

[… I knew she would dig through the garbage so I had grabbed it that morning before she came in and stuffed it in my purse. It’s scary how well I know my bats]

Bee:
I’ll bring you a new one from home. That one was beyond disgusting. It probably already had a micro civilization complete with skyscrapers and Al Gore.

Milton:
You guys are too delicate. At home, I can go months without replacing the sponge.

[after I swallowed my bile, I made a mental note not to eat at Milton’s house.]

Scarecrow

Bee [on the phone with a patient while both the receptionist and her back up, PD, were on vacation]:
We have an opening tomorrow if you’d like to come in then, Mrs.—.

Scarecrow [in such a loud whisper I wouldn’t be surprised if Brian heard her]:
Oh no! Not Mrs.—! We do not want to see Mrs.—!

Bee:
We will see you on Friday Mrs.—. [I slowly turned to look at Scarecrow and she almost seemed to shrink before my eyes] May I see you in the chartroom for a minute?

Scarecrow:
I-I-I have to go look for a chart.

Bee:
Well, you can start in the chartroom!

I dragged her boney ass in there and proceeded to tell her how unprofessional she was to not only say such things about a patient while I’m on the phone with her but to say it in front of other patients in the waiting room. I told her that while I was the substitute receptionist she was NOT going to behave in such a manner on my watch! Her response?

Scarecrow:
W-w-would you like me to bring you a cup of coffee?

I think she was trying to show me her underbelly as a sign of submission but I ain’t taking any chances in her spitting in my precious coffee.

Purple Dino-SOUR

As I said before, both Cowardly Lion (the receptioist)  and PD were on vacation so the next person in line to play receptionist was lil’ ole me. Why the hell they stuck me as the receptionist is beyond me since I am clearly not a people person! Usually when PD goes on her yearly jaunts to Le Florida, I get to work her desk and mine. However! These were special circumstances. I had never done a 2 day stint as the merry phone lady so I figured PD’s desk could rot for all I cared.

Would you believe this bubble head came in and threw a tantrum because her desk looked like somebody had replaced it with mine?

PD:
Did you run claims for me last week?

Bee:
No, I was hoping the elves would come in and do it for you since I was too busy trying to do my job and be receptionist at the same time.

PD:
I can’t get all this done in one week!

Bee:
So hey? How was your vacation? I haven’t taken one in 2 years and this is your third this year.

PD:
I have worked here 18 years! Don’t I deserve to take a vacation?

Bee:
Of course you do! You need time off from the 5 hour 3 days a week job you have. I’d be exhausted too but nobody does my work when I go away to sunbathe in the nude.

PD:
::gasp!::  [stalks off to complain to her fellow bubble heads]

Bee

First up.

For those of you keeping score, I was KM a couple of weeks ago so I brought in a healthy veggie tray with dip and some chocolate and blueberry muffins. Those rotten old ladies did not eat any of my snacks so I wound up having to throw out the veggies because they grew moldy. The muffins were enjoyed by my family so that was okay but what the hell!

This week I had a plan. I was not going to eat any of the treats Toto brought in as a sign of protest. I wanted them to feel all hurt and achy inside just like I did when they didn’t eat my goodies. Come with me as I give you peek into my head.

Bee [all in my head]:
Hmmm she brought 2 types of coffee cake. I don’t care what kind she brought I AM NOT HAVING ANY!

Oh, one is open custard [mouth drooling] and the other is Bavarian chocolate chip [drool spilling onto my shirt]… NO! ooh! She brought colby-jack cheese too! Maybe I’ll just have a little piece— NO!! Oh dear lord! She brought the dip she knows I love! She did this on purpose just to torture me! She’s met her match because I will resist the temptation—

Who am I kidding? I have no self control when it comes to snackies.

And to end things with a golden brush of dumbass...

I requested a copy of our contract from a big name insurance company. They faxed it over and I made 3 copies but for some reason I thought the contract they faxed had print on both sides of the page so I had to redo the copies and make them two sided. We have an old fax machine. Can anyone tell me why I'm a dumbass?

Mug Shots

Was today one of those days that had you responding "fuck off!" even when someone was just saying "good morning!"?

No? Was it just me? I must be getting less tolerant in my old age. And so begins my moaning about turning another year older in approximately 31 days!

Anyway.

Sunday was my 5th Anniversary at Arkham Asylum. I remember when I first started here, at the young whipper snapper age of 32 (although soon to be 33), and was still a Bambi (naive with balancing issues) with hopes and dreams and a small coffee cup. After a couple of years, I bought a bigger cup because my escapes from my desk for coffee refills became less and less frequent.

This year, to celebrate the demise of my sense of humor when it comes to the Asylum, I graduated to an Andre the giant sized cup. I stopped kidding myself about being able to leave my desk. Ever.

I know what you're thinking, doesn't this mean more potty breaks? I won't tell anyone if you don't!

Of course this also means I am celebrating 5 years of playing "Fetch OZ's sandwich" which is always nice. Especially because one of my joys in life is walking across a vacant lot, side stepping dog poop landmines, in 4 inch heels for a meatball sandwich that somebody else is going to eat.

Yay me!

And if I happen to be at lunch when his majesty wants *HIS* lunch? Well, Glynda and her CSI skills track my ass down.

Glynda [walks into my office doesn't see me so she asks Milton]: Where's Bee?

Milton: Lunch.

Glynda: I was just in the lunchroom and she's not in there but I noticed the toaster is still warm.

Milton: Maybe she stepped out?

Glynda: But her purse is still here. [points at my chair where I place my purse and then swivel it to face the wall so that I don't get burglared by criminal patients]

Milton [starts fidgeting because now she's faced with a puzzle she cannot solve (no, I wasn't there to see it happen but I know my Milton)]: Um well maybe she walked to the gas station/Subway.

Glynda [dusts my area with special tracking powder]: Her car keys were sitting on this ledge and now they’re gone.

Milton: I-I-I don't know where she could be! [cries]

Glynda [she leaves the business office and is hot on my trail]: The foot pattern in the kitchen indicates she headed to the back door. Tiny miniscule crumbs tell me she left the building. This twig that was lying facing the handicap parking spot is now broken in half with the longer piece pointing east. Aha! She's eating her toasted sandwich in her car!

And then I heard a knock on my car window so I looked up and there, in her 4 foot 9 inch flashy white uniform, stood Glynda.

Glynda: OZ needs a meatball sandwich with cheese and 5 onion slices right now.

Yeah, she must still believe in Santa Claus if she thinks I'm gonna jump like a trained poodle and rush over to fetch his sandwich before I've had my lunch.

Me: Did you bring me money?

Glynda: Uh, no but Milton can get it for you.

Me: Okay, I've got another 15 minutes. I'm sure OZ won't die of starvation before then.

Glynda: Will you go right now if I bring you the money.

Me: No.

Glynda: I'll tell him you're on your way anyway. No sense in upsetting him.

And she waited for me to respond but my brain had already dismissed her.

In the amount of time it took her to track me down, she could have walked over to get his damn sandwich but I guess it wouldn't have tasted as good.

One more year of this silliness before I'm fully vested in our retirement fund!

Andyisms:

We spent the weekend at my in-laws house and woke up before sunrise on Sunday morning. As I was getting ready to go outside so that I could witness the sunrise, I asked Andy if he was going to come outside with me and his response was classic Andy:

"Well of course you sappy bastard!"

He makes my heart SOAR!

The mystery of the missing BIG sausage. + Milton the tyrannical staple dictator. (Like Tales from the Crypt... only scarier!)

Time: 8:45

Bee walks into the kitchen for some coffee and almost collides with a very upset Cowardly Lion.

CL:
I had a big sausage in the fridge, do you know who took it?

Queen of Sausages
Bee:
Nope. My alibi is that I don’t like big sausage. Or even little sausage.

CL:
I was going to cut it up and put it out today as a treat! Now it’s gone! How can a big sausage disappear???

[I snort but decide to mind my own. Getting involved always backfires]

CL:
I left it right here! [points somewhere towards space] Behind the cheese!

Bee: [serious face]
So, to recap, you brought a big sausage so you could cut it up. You placed the big sausage behind the cheese and now that big sausage has disappeared?

CL:
Do you think this is funny? I have no sausage now!

Bee:
Yes, I think it’s funny. I also thank the lord the cheese is still there!
.
Don’t worry you guys, the sausage was later found. It turns out somebody moved it to fit some sort of mushroom salad. To recap again, at one time, in the mini fridge, there was a big sausage, cheese and fungus. I lost my appetite.
.
I did have some crackers, those were safe from all controversy.
.
Scene Two:

I spoke to a patient yesterday (because he was stupid and selected the wrong extension) who wanted to confirm his appointment. When he came in today, he mentioned it to CL (receptionist) and had a couple of questions so he wanted to speak to me again but he couldn't remember my name.

Patient:
I spoke to someone yesterday with an unusual name but I don’t remember it.

CL: [I’m using fake names but they are comparable to the real names]
Was it Mary?

Patient:
No, more exotic. [? exotic??]

CL:
Was it Mandy?

Patient:
No, more unusual.

CL:
Jan?
.
I got tired of this game of ‘name 20 knuckleheads’ so I went up there.
.
Patient:
Oh right! BIANCA!

I wouldn't say my name is as unusual as it was some time ago but it is more uncommon than all the peeps that work at the Asylum. Goes to show CL's uh... intelligence?
.
And the curtain closer:

I have a mini tiny teeny little stapler. This means that the regular sized strip of staples won’t fit in it so I have to break a piece and put that in my stapler. But! Sometimes I misjudge the piece and have to remove a staple or two in order for it to fit.

Guess who caught me throwing out an unstapled staple?

I had no idea Milton was watching me as I loaded my stapler but when she saw me fling the lone staple into the garbage can…

Milton:
How many of those do you throw out?

Bee:
::sigh:: Not allot. Sometimes I judge it right and don’t throw any out.

Milton:
Have you thought about saving them and maybe using them once you’ve used up a few staples?

Bee:
Honestly, I don’t care enough.

Milton:
Would you mind saving them for me and I’ll use them?

Bee:
I do mind because I already have too many things on my mind.

Milton:
This is a perfect example of our wasteful society—

Bee:
Tell you what. Every time I’m out of staples, I’ll ring a bell for you to come running and reload it for me. While you’re doing that, I’ll take a walk around the block and pick up all the litter. Then I’ll separate it and recycle it on the roof while I’m planting trees in the abandoned lot. Does this sound reasonable to you? This way, I can do my part in helping society change it's wasteful ways!

Milton:
...

I win.
.

Have a great weekend people! Andy and I are taking the niece to the Chicago Botanic Gardens and I'll be so overwhelmed with the need to replicate their gardens, I'll probably have my nose stuck in plants and flowers the whole holiday weekend! How's about you click on Humor-Blogs for me? I'll make ya' famous!

A Ninja is always prepared. Oh, wait. Is that the Boy Scouts?

-Day 37. Every year, when spring comes, my mind goes to one place and one place only, Ninjas. Every time you read about Ninjas attacking somebody or assassinating some public figure, it seems to happen in the spring. I’m not sure why, it’s just the way it is.- Dwight Schrute


Okay so… things here at Arkham have been a little strange since Glynda came back. She herself came back quieter, no longer her bubbly self.
It’s almost like we’re in a different dimension or parallel universe where we walk on the ceiling and sit on the walls. Or do you function the same way if you’re in a parallel universe but just act differently?
Look, I don’t KNOW okay! I haven’t read enough Andy comics to answer that question. All I know is that things went from Hell to Limbo in a week and a half time period.

“Well that’s not so bad”, you say? Quiet!
I can deal with Hell since I’ve had practice over the years of dodging balls of fire.
That is. What I. Know.

Everybody seems to be walking on egg shells which is making us edgy.
Listen (or read) to these examples:

Since Purple Dino-SOUR is out of the office until TWO THOUSAND AND TWELVE, I figured I’d relieve Cowardly Lion for lunch. Here is what transpired:

Bee:
1 o’clock good for you?

CL:
Sure

Quick, easy, to the point.

I went to lunch had my grilled chicken caesar Lean Cuisine, very yummy!
Read about more jobs being outsourced to India. Got mad. Angrily threw newspaper into recycle bin (even when angry I remember to recycle). I will not discuss my opinion about call centers being moved to India and taking another set of jobs out of our hands and therefore fucking up our economy even further! I will not discuss this because my blog is not about politics or serious world issues. It is about me and my dark shadows!

::breathe::

Anywho. I came back from lunch and was accosted by Milton.

Milton: [all huffed up]
I called dibs on relieving CL today!

Bee: [mellow baby]
Okay, whatever.

Milton: [huffy puffy]
Didn’t she tell you?

Bee: [peace baby, peace]
No, but if you want to relieve her better for me.

Milton: [huffty duffty]
I talked to her this morning and told her I'd do it today because tomorrow I won’t be able to because blah blah hinkle dinkle tapioca pudding.

Bee: [on an exhaled rainbow sigh]
I. said. it. was. okay. Bet.ter. for. me.

Milton: [Huffin' and puffin']
I just--------

I don’t know what else she said because I blasted my iPod and listened to Her Ornament by The Verve Pipe. She stopped talking when I sang out "I just want to be her ornament!!" in my beeutiful singing voice.

See what I mean? Only in a parallel universe can someone FIGHT to relieve the receptionist! I hate being up there! Why would I object to Milton doing it?

LATER IN THE DAY:

CL: [transferring me a call]
Attorney so and so is on line 2.

Before I can say 'thank you' she slams the phone down. About an hour later another call comes thru.

CL:
So and so’s office line 1. [slams phone again] ---Strike two bitch! My peaceful self was now gone---

Later later in the day, as I’m walking down the hall I hear:

CL:
Bianca. Bianca? [slams phone] That’s all I need, now I have to go LOOK for her!

Bee:
Or you could just transfer it and let my voicemail pick up... that is your job right?

CL [jumps 300 feet in the air.]:
Oh, there you are! I was just going to go look for you [fake smile] you have a call…

[I was going to say 3 feet but honestly, the look on her face showed she would have jumped 300 feet if not for the fact that there’s a ceiling. And then other pesky floors on top of that that got in her way.]

Bee: [fake smile back but showing coolatude, cuz I'm cool.]
I heard. Once I take this I think we need to have a sit down with Glynda.
.
Why don't they learn their lessons? I’m always catching them in the middle of talking shit about me and I never slink away! I always call them on it. Shouldn’t they know by now that my mad stealth-like ninja skillz will never give my presence away?

I took my call. I found Glynda and asked her if we can discuss the failings of one obnoxious receptionist.

Glynda’s response was to get up, go to the receptionist and say:
CL, your job is to answer the phone and handle the calls. DO your job. [walks away]

End of pow wow.

Normally this would make me laugh and laugh for days and then remember it months later and laugh some more. Why did I not find this even remotely amusing? Is there something wrong with my funny bone? Will I need a transplant? What would the transplant be called Kathygriffinectomy? Grouchomarxabotomy? Seinfeldologicaltransferectomy?

CL, not at all happy, comes and asks me what my problem is and she's almost hyperventilating.
Bee:
I guess I just wanted to understand why you get so angry because you have to transfer BUSINESS calls. I could understand if they were personal calls but they’re not. Does it suck that they’re too lazy to dial my extension? Yes, but that IS what you’re here for.

CL:
[stomps off into the sunset with something up her butt.]

It's people like her that make dumbass businesses send phone calls to be answered half way around the world. That's right, let's blame CL for the economy going down the tubes.

That’s how it’s been since Glynda came back. Every time we go to her with any issues she shrugs and basically says “deal with it”.

Here’s my question, if it’s left up to me to “deal with it” is the company liable for any uh… let’s call them “accidents” I may cause? Maybe I can plead insanity…

If you'd like me to "deal with it" please click on humor blogs.