Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I don't dine on swine.


The other day (not sure which because I no longer keep track of weekdays), Milton, Glynda and I were talking about dinner meals we've had. I know! Interesting topics we explore here at Asylumland. I was talking about the Coq Au Vin Andy made for dinner (see big boob above) and Glynda was talking about the deli sandwich she had and then Milton was talking about the pork roast her husband made.

Milton: The pork roast was delicious but I had to keep drinking water all evening and I'm even parched today! I think it must be because pigs are saltier than all other animals, right?

You know that screeching record sound effect they do on the radio or TV when somebody says something so outrageous everything comes to a halt? Well, I heard that noise in my brain.

Glynda and I looked at each other and silently told each other to play along.

Me/Glynda: Saltier?

Milton: Well ham is salty and so is bacon and those come from pigs.

Me: Uh, yeah. They are saltier than other animals. I think it's because they lay in mud all the live long day.

Milton: Really? How does that affect the pig?

Me: Have you ever tasted dirt? [Milton shakes her head] Well dirt has these natural seasonings so it's like they're marinating until the day they're pork chops, or in your case, pork roasts.


Milton: Oh, I didn't know that. [taps her pen on her chin, I KNEW something awesome was coming!] Because ham and bacon are saltier, do they raise those pigs in a different type of dirt? Or maybe a different climate?

Me: I think so. I've heard New Mexico has really salty dirt so maybe the ham pigs are from there. I've even heard that people walk right up to the pigs and just take a bite  to determine their saltiness.

Milton [horrified]: That's cruel- [notices Glynda and I covering our faces to hide our giggles] hey! You're pulling my leg!

Me [laughing so hard tears are pooling on my third chin]: I'm sorry! I couldn't resist!

Milton: I should have known! [thinks] So where do you think the saltier pigs are really from?

Me [completely losing control]: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Glynda: Pigs are NOT salty! The ham and bacon are cured that way!

Milton: Are you sure?

Me: Do you want to taste the dirt on my shoe to see if it’s salty enough to raise pigs here?? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


And almost as if the pigs overheard our conversation: Pigs loose on Indiana Toll Road after semi overturns

My theory is that they were looking for a BBQ Sauce Mud Puddle. MMMMMMMM!



  1. So does this mean that my latest plan to get rich by building an insudtrial plant to extract salt from pigs and marketing it as an organic non-vegetarian alternative to sea salt is doomed to failure?

    I suppose I'd better not give up the day job just yet.

  2. please please please tell me I can one day meet Milton.

    I heart Milton

  3. Yikes! Please tell me Milton isn't breeding....

  4. You guys are bad!! Seriously, I'm impressed that you were able to play it straight for so long. That's hysterical. Salty dirt...

  5. Ahahahahaha! That was funny!

    But! Aw. Poor Milton. I've been gullible like that on occasion!

  6. Can you imagine walking through life as a drooling idiot?

    Anyways... since I have moved to the southern region of AZ... they have wild pigs called javelina, they look something like poomba. I really have no idea what they taste like... but they look salty to me.

  7. That's too funny post!
    Thanks a lot for sharing.

  8. I was scared for a moment that you don't eat bacon...do you eat bacon?

    Because if you don't eat bacon I might not get invited back for this years Secret Santa Can Suck It. (if you are doing it)

    Which would break my bacon filled heart arteries.

  9. ROFL..Oh my! I just got shooshed by PC for laughing so loud :-)

  10. Oh dear. I was really wanting to taste a pig to test its saltiness.

    I wonder how Milton would explain peppered beef?

  11. Hahahahaha!
    I hope there is not someone out there blogging about stupid stuff I say!
    Milton is a lot of fun to have around.

  12. Couldn't she just lick the pig? It would be much more humane...


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.