It’s been a while since I regaled you with the adventures of Arkham Asylum. Today we will feature:
Milton (female), the bookkeeper (one of my favorites).
Scarecrow, the spastic x-ray tech.
Purple Dino-SOUR, the world’s most useless human.
And because I do like to mock myself from time to time, Bee, the cool chick.
When last we left Arkham, the biddies were devising new ways to mentally torture our favorite character, Bee.
Do you know who threw out the green scott brite dish sponge?
The ugly dingy one that no longer made suds and was even oily and black?
Yeah, that one.
[I actually had it wrapped in a paper towel in my purse. I know that sounds weird but this thing was revolting and she was using it to wash the forks and spoons I use to eat my food. Which means they go in my mouth. I couldn’t throw it away in any of the garbage cans because…]
I looked in the garbage cans and it’s not in any of them. They had to have thrown it out at some point yesterday before the cleaning crew came.
[… I knew she would dig through the garbage so I had grabbed it that morning before she came in and stuffed it in my purse. It’s scary how well I know my bats]
I’ll bring you a new one from home. That one was beyond disgusting. It probably already had a micro civilization complete with skyscrapers and Al Gore.
You guys are too delicate. At home, I can go months without replacing the sponge.
[after I swallowed my bile, I made a mental note not to eat at Milton’s house.]
Bee [on the phone with a patient while both the receptionist and her back up, PD, were on vacation]:
We have an opening tomorrow if you’d like to come in then, Mrs.—.
Scarecrow [in such a loud whisper I wouldn’t be surprised if Brian heard her]:
Oh no! Not Mrs.—! We do not want to see Mrs.—!
We will see you on Friday Mrs.—. [I slowly turned to look at Scarecrow and she almost seemed to shrink before my eyes] May I see you in the chartroom for a minute?
I-I-I have to go look for a chart.
Well, you can start in the chartroom!
I dragged her boney ass in there and proceeded to tell her how unprofessional she was to not only say such things about a patient while I’m on the phone with her but to say it in front of other patients in the waiting room. I told her that while I was the substitute receptionist she was NOT going to behave in such a manner on my watch! Her response?
W-w-would you like me to bring you a cup of coffee?
I think she was trying to show me her underbelly as a sign of submission but I ain’t taking any chances in her spitting in my precious coffee.
As I said before, both Cowardly Lion (the receptioist) and PD were on vacation so the next person in line to play receptionist was lil’ ole me. Why the hell they stuck me as the receptionist is beyond me since I am clearly not a people person! Usually when PD goes on her yearly jaunts to Le Florida, I get to work her desk and mine. However! These were special circumstances. I had never done a 2 day stint as the merry phone lady so I figured PD’s desk could rot for all I cared.
Would you believe this bubble head came in and threw a tantrum because her desk looked like somebody had replaced it with mine?
Did you run claims for me last week?
No, I was hoping the elves would come in and do it for you since I was too busy trying to do my job and be receptionist at the same time.
I can’t get all this done in one week!
So hey? How was your vacation? I haven’t taken one in 2 years and this is your third this year.
I have worked here 18 years! Don’t I deserve to take a vacation?
Of course you do! You need time off from the 5 hour 3 days a week job you have. I’d be exhausted too but nobody does my work when I go away to sunbathe in the nude.
::gasp!:: [stalks off to complain to her fellow bubble heads]
For those of you keeping score, I was KM a couple of weeks ago so I brought in a healthy veggie tray with dip and some chocolate and blueberry muffins. Those rotten old ladies did not eat any of my snacks so I wound up having to throw out the veggies because they grew moldy. The muffins were enjoyed by my family so that was okay but what the hell!
This week I had a plan. I was not going to eat any of the treats Toto brought in as a sign of protest. I wanted them to feel all hurt and achy inside just like I did when they didn’t eat my goodies. Come with me as I give you peek into my head.
Bee [all in my head]:
Hmmm she brought 2 types of coffee cake. I don’t care what kind she brought I AM NOT HAVING ANY!
Oh, one is open custard [mouth drooling] and the other is Bavarian chocolate chip [drool spilling onto my shirt]… NO! ooh! She brought colby-jack cheese too! Maybe I’ll just have a little piece— NO!! Oh dear lord! She brought the dip she knows I love! She did this on purpose just to torture me! She’s met her match because I will resist the temptation—
Who am I kidding? I have no self control when it comes to snackies.
And to end things with a golden brush of dumbass...
I requested a copy of our contract from a big name insurance company. They faxed it over and I made 3 copies but for some reason I thought the contract they faxed had print on both sides of the page so I had to redo the copies and make them two sided. We have an old fax machine. Can anyone tell me why I'm a dumbass?