Wednesday, June 10, 2009

War— I mean WORK stories.

It’s been a while since I regaled you with the adventures of Arkham Asylum. Today we will feature:

Milton (female), the bookkeeper (one of my favorites).

Scarecrow, the spastic x-ray tech.

Purple Dino-SOUR, the world’s most useless human.

And because I do like to mock myself from time to time, Bee, the cool chick.

When last we left Arkham, the biddies were devising new ways to mentally torture our favorite character, Bee.


Do you know who threw out the green scott brite dish sponge?

The ugly dingy one that no longer made suds and was even oily and black?

grosssponge (That's not it. It looks better than the one I threw away)

Yeah, that one.


[I actually had it wrapped in a paper towel in my purse. I know that sounds weird but this thing was revolting and she was using it to wash the forks and spoons I use to eat my food. Which means they go in my mouth. I couldn’t throw it away in any of the garbage cans because…]

I looked in the garbage cans and it’s not in any of them. They had to have thrown it out at some point yesterday before the cleaning crew came.

[… I knew she would dig through the garbage so I had grabbed it that morning before she came in and stuffed it in my purse. It’s scary how well I know my bats]

I’ll bring you a new one from home. That one was beyond disgusting. It probably already had a micro civilization complete with skyscrapers and Al Gore.

You guys are too delicate. At home, I can go months without replacing the sponge.

[after I swallowed my bile, I made a mental note not to eat at Milton’s house.]


Bee [on the phone with a patient while both the receptionist and her back up, PD, were on vacation]:
We have an opening tomorrow if you’d like to come in then, Mrs.—.

Scarecrow [in such a loud whisper I wouldn’t be surprised if Brian heard her]:
Oh no! Not Mrs.—! We do not want to see Mrs.—!

We will see you on Friday Mrs.—. [I slowly turned to look at Scarecrow and she almost seemed to shrink before my eyes] May I see you in the chartroom for a minute?

I-I-I have to go look for a chart.

Well, you can start in the chartroom!

I dragged her boney ass in there and proceeded to tell her how unprofessional she was to not only say such things about a patient while I’m on the phone with her but to say it in front of other patients in the waiting room. I told her that while I was the substitute receptionist she was NOT going to behave in such a manner on my watch! Her response?

W-w-would you like me to bring you a cup of coffee?

I think she was trying to show me her underbelly as a sign of submission but I ain’t taking any chances in her spitting in my precious coffee.

Purple Dino-SOUR

As I said before, both Cowardly Lion (the receptioist)  and PD were on vacation so the next person in line to play receptionist was lil’ ole me. Why the hell they stuck me as the receptionist is beyond me since I am clearly not a people person! Usually when PD goes on her yearly jaunts to Le Florida, I get to work her desk and mine. However! These were special circumstances. I had never done a 2 day stint as the merry phone lady so I figured PD’s desk could rot for all I cared.

Would you believe this bubble head came in and threw a tantrum because her desk looked like somebody had replaced it with mine?

Did you run claims for me last week?

No, I was hoping the elves would come in and do it for you since I was too busy trying to do my job and be receptionist at the same time.

I can’t get all this done in one week!

So hey? How was your vacation? I haven’t taken one in 2 years and this is your third this year.

I have worked here 18 years! Don’t I deserve to take a vacation?

Of course you do! You need time off from the 5 hour 3 days a week job you have. I’d be exhausted too but nobody does my work when I go away to sunbathe in the nude.

::gasp!::  [stalks off to complain to her fellow bubble heads]


First up.

For those of you keeping score, I was KM a couple of weeks ago so I brought in a healthy veggie tray with dip and some chocolate and blueberry muffins. Those rotten old ladies did not eat any of my snacks so I wound up having to throw out the veggies because they grew moldy. The muffins were enjoyed by my family so that was okay but what the hell!

This week I had a plan. I was not going to eat any of the treats Toto brought in as a sign of protest. I wanted them to feel all hurt and achy inside just like I did when they didn’t eat my goodies. Come with me as I give you peek into my head.

Bee [all in my head]:
Hmmm she brought 2 types of coffee cake. I don’t care what kind she brought I AM NOT HAVING ANY!

Oh, one is open custard [mouth drooling] and the other is Bavarian chocolate chip [drool spilling onto my shirt]… NO! ooh! She brought colby-jack cheese too! Maybe I’ll just have a little piece— NO!! Oh dear lord! She brought the dip she knows I love! She did this on purpose just to torture me! She’s met her match because I will resist the temptation—

Who am I kidding? I have no self control when it comes to snackies.

cell 6.10.09 001

And to end things with a golden brush of dumbass...

I requested a copy of our contract from a big name insurance company. They faxed it over and I made 3 copies but for some reason I thought the contract they faxed had print on both sides of the page so I had to redo the copies and make them two sided. We have an old fax machine. Can anyone tell me why I'm a dumbass?


  1. mmm.... snackies...
    first i will try some of that first coffee cake then i will try the other one then i will try them both together. next i will try the cheese ohhhhhhhh! nom nom nom, umm, by the way faxes only print on one side even i know that. anyway that cheese is yummy. and crackers too, oh my. can i come to work with you please? please?

  2. You need to post a sign that states FACT: sponges should be replaced every 7 days minimum- they are breeding grounds for bacteria!
    I think its hilarious she was checking the trash! Crapola, what if she would of done a purse check?!!
    I could have passed on the cheese/crakcers...but.....not the coffee cake (stomach growling)

  3. Too funny, I have the opposite minion, the one who uses a sponge once and then throws it away, or she will pour her own soda into a smaller container so her own germs don't get on her own bottle.

  4. I really enjoy the antics of your co-workers. I can't imagine the craziness of working that close to people in a medical office. I've sensed tension in my OB's office and they have changed receptionists several times. There was one that I thought was just a little too rude to be working that job.

    You are not the only one who has made that copy mistake.

  5. for some reason I thought scarecrow was a man

    I think if you microwave a sponge for 4 minutes (wet of course) it kills the germs. still you have the grease and dirt but nobody will die

  6. I hadn't realised that sponges were such a valuable commodity that people would even fish them out of garbage to use.

    Or is there some kind of world sponge shortage? Will 2009 go down in history as the year of the Sponge Riots?

    I'd better panic-buy a load next time I'm shopping, just in case.

  7. You crack me up. I'm wondering what you'd have to say about me if I were to work with's making me laugh just to think about it.

  8. I want to work with you too! I wonder what awesome nickname you’d give me. I’d probably be Ms. Chatsallot! :)

  9. Wow! People bring in food where you work. I can't tell you how long it's been since we had a decent doughnut and trying to get people to contribute to the candy jar is like pulling teeth.

  10. I once highlighted important information on a fax I was going to send. I used different colors for different issues. I received a call from the person I was sending it to asking me why some sentences were smudged and grayish. It never occurred to me that she would not be seeing the colors because her fax machine was black and white. So was ours.

  11. The dirty sponge is nasty. I also never understood washing all the dishes in the same water. By the end the water is some terrible dirty brown toilet water. That can't be clean.

  12. I watched someone the other morning use the sponge in our sink to wipe out their coffee mug and THEN NOT EVEN RINSE IT OUT!

    And I am making Double Chocolate Rustic Cupcakes topped with Swiss Cream Cheese Frosting and topped with a Chocolate Covered Cherry.

    Don't you wish you worked in MY office?

    wait, you read my blog. Probably not.

  13. If Milton used me for a contraceptive how long do you think she'd leave me in place.

    a week,...a month

  14. Your description of the snakies would probably have had me drooling, but I was still grossed out about the sponge and the bragging about never replacing sponges. Ewww.

  15. With Chris: retards, especially Scarecrow. Yes, you think those things, but don't say them out loud.

  16. God I love you. The last straight job I had, I founf out the office manager was stealing from petty cash. Since he was a doctor, our petty cash was always about 5-600 dollars. When I found out, I didn't say a word for a while but started stealing from it and splitting it with the 4 others of us who labored under her.

    Every Friday p.m. she went into the cash box and would count it over qand over while we would all laugh our asses off. (TO OURSELVES)

    She never did find out. DON'T MESS WITH THE BITCHES YO.

  17. Too bad your veggies got moldy, I love veggies as a snack during work! Granted, I work in a kitchen so theoretically I could have whatever I wanted, but who wants to eat what they're cooking all day?

    You sure do work with some Nutters though! That whole sponge thing is so disgusting, I don't use sponges, I don't believe they're all that clean after use. I don't even use a sink full of water, I keep the water running, it's the only way to ensure clean water AND clean dishes!

  18. So an filthy, dirty sponge sucker works in a medical office? How hygienic and professional.

  19. GAG That's just pukey.

    I throw my sponge in the dishwasher every time I run it, and I microwave it for good measure.

  20. Seriously, there is NOTHING worse than a disgusting sponge. NOTHING!


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.