So...
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It all started with me running late as per usual. They'd already started morning meeting so I caught the last words of Cowardly Lion volunteering us to take on more of Purple Dino-SOUR's workload.
I hadn't even finished punching in when I was already telling everybody they could go to H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS!
I was very uh... clear as to my feelings and the fact that OZ didn't want to pay me more and he didn't want PD to work more hours.
I believe the phrase "He can kiss my ass!" made it into morning meeting for the first time EVER! And if it was said before, it was probably said by me.
.
Anyway, this set the tone for everybody declaring war on their fellow human being. CL took it personally and started her passive aggressive rampage while I shook my little Elf pin that Natalia gave me at everybody and would laugh like a lunatic when it's legs did a jig!
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THE MILTON SAGA:
On to the important business of ordering the dinner for our party.
Since we were paying for it ourselves, we decided that the most economical way to go would be to order pizza. Easy enough you say? You obviously are not familiar with The Asylum.
First we had to fill out some paperwork.
Milton then entered all information into an excel grid and cross referenced to see who was compatible with who.
I was "lucky" enough to have Milton and Glynda as my sharers of delicious Giordano's pizza.
On to the next step right? No. Milton decided she wanted to order enough for her lunch/dinner tomorrow for her and her husband and order a ginormous one. I had to put my foot down (on her face) and tell her a medium would do.
SHE THEN PULLED OUT A RULER TO EXPLAIN WHAT THE DIAMETER OF THE PIZZA WOULD BE!!!
I know what you're thinking right now, "oh, that Bee and her silly tales!"
I wish I was making this stuff up I really do...
Luckily, Glynda agreed with me so she was outvoted.
We'll come back to Milton later.
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THE COWARDLY LION SAGA:
I innocently went to ask her if she wanted to get coffee while I watched the phones.
Her response:
I DON'T KNOW WHY EVERYBODY ALWAYS FEELS SORRY FOR PD!!!
Bee:
No coffee then. [I walked away]
CL:
She wastes so much time and nobody cares!! I refuse to feel pity for her!!
Bee: [I come back]
Would you rather we felt sorry for you??
CL:
[Throws stuff around but there's silence]
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After that exchange, whenever she would walk anywhere she would stomp around. Then I saw the most heartbreaking thing ever... SHE REMOVED HER JINGLE BELL NECKLACE!
I could picture her slamming it on her desk saying, "Screw this, I'm not going to be happy today!" Cuz we all know happiness lies in jingle bells!
Poor poor CL...
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THE SCARECROW SAGA:
She sadly missed morning meeting. She said it was because of the trains that got in her way but from the smell of her I think she imagined the trains as she exercised her drinking arm. It's sad but true folks, she reeked of booze and cigarettes!
Anyway, she had called Glynda and said she'd prefer to order from some other restaurant but she would go with the majority. The majority wanted pizza but for some reason Scarecrow did not know the true meaning of "majority rules" and threw a tantrum that would make a 2 year old proud.
"Guaaa I don't want pizza! I wanted a beef sandwich!"
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But you can order a beef sandwich from Giordano's
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"I don't like it from Giordano's!! Guaa Guaa!"
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Toto finally convinced her to have pizza and gave her her pacifier full of booze.
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THE MILTON SAGA:
Her final grid was done, she was ready to order when I say.
"Can you order me a soda?"
WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING!??!?!?
Milton:
Well that will complicate the order!
Bee:
What? What is so complicated? Do you need me to type it into your grid??
Milton:
I already added everything and know how much everyone owes... I'd hhh-ave to uh... add the... not sure how much it...
Bee:
FORGET IT!! Why do you have to make EVERYTHING so difficult?!
Milton:
I suppose I can...
Bee:
DON'T DO ME ANY FAVORS!!
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THE BEE SAGA:
I walked over to Glynda's office closed the door and said,
"I will not participate in next years office party! These ladies are beyond ridiculas! Look at my pin! It's sad now. It's not doing anymore jigs! I was in a good mood for shitsake! And soda complicates the order? How much is it? $1.50? CL thinks she's ruler of the universe, and Scarecrow is making me high just standing next to her! You know, she's probably on to something! Maybe I should go have some bonding moments with her while I guzzle some vodka!"
Glynda was of no help since she was laughing her over-caffeinated butt off at my tragedy.
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THE CHRISTMAS TREE SAGA:
Nah, it didn't have a saga but this ginormous tree puts Archibald the Ugly to shame... ;o)
My sock gift was hypocritically received! Okay, I also gave her a fancy necklace. I found a box for the crap I gave her at the last minute but I had to take out my snowglobe... :o(
What did I get you ask, well... I got a used book. Yup! Used. CL got me in the secret Santa and even though the limit was $15, I got 'Marley and Me' along with some coffee stains and crinkled pages. The book mark looked new though so that about evens it out right?
Oh yeah, we also managed to get some work done but not much! On to plan my revenge for ruining My Jiggy Elf's Happy Christmas Dinner. He didn't even enjoy the pizza! It gave him heartburn...
MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM GLYNDA AND THE BATS!
Left to right.
Toto, CL, Milton, Scarecrow, PD, Glynda.
I'm sorry to hear that you had such a bad time.
ReplyDeleteThe main problem is clearly lack of planning. If the spreadsheet had been properly designed to include drinks, and the calculations done with regard to pizza areas ahead of time (something to do with squaring pies, I think), a lot of angst would have been saved on the day.
You really should have all spent Monday to Wednesday doing proper planning, and following full project management procedures. I suggest that you hire a management consultant next year.
Relying on spontaneity, goodwill and common sense on the day is clearly not an option ;-)
... Or alternatively hire a Children's Party Planner...
ReplyDeleteMaybe the alcohol should have started flowing during the morning meeting....
ReplyDeleteWhat a day!! Maybe next year you should be the party planning commitee....
That is just hilarious!
ReplyDeleteI can't believe she took her jingle bell off???
You should have made Milton order the soda anyway and just thrown an additional 2 bucks in her face. Maybe next year make it a BYOPF (Bring Your Own Party Food).
Why do they want to split PD's work load? Is she leaving? Or complaining that she is to busy?
Can I be the party consultant for next year?
You know, I happen to be very good at planning parties. Granted they were all for children, none of which were drunk, but I think I could handle your office staff. They sound as mature as my 6 year old. Just send me the plane ticket, first class of course.
ReplyDeleteI laughed so hard about the bell necklace. So.Very.Dramatic!
"SERIOUSLY", "SERIOUSLY"
ReplyDeleteis all that comes to mind. That place is a laugh a minute. Where can I get an application?
Marie
Well, I'd be a bit unahppy if they made me wear a bell.
ReplyDeleteIt's like they want to hear me coming or somethin'...
oh you poor thing. all that crap and my internet was down.
ReplyDeleteDid you see "The Office" cuz they had two parties.
Since I plan great children's parties how bout next year I plan one for the bats--gridded pizza and all
and one for you
separate but equal be damned
nice box
ReplyDeletetoo bad you had to give it to PD
I just clicked on the paper work
ReplyDeleteOMGGGG
What are you guys doing for New Years ?
ReplyDeleteDan
if I was your boss I'd be oissed at all the wasted paper used.
ReplyDeleteDan
Jean Knee likes your box, bee.
ReplyDeleteShe never once has said she likes my box.
:pout:
I happen to have a very nice box. Papi even says so.
I always get the shaft in any kind of exchange. I end up with the crappy cookies with hair and freakin Craisins in it during cookie exchanges. I've never fared much better during Secret Santa either. I passed that gene down to Sunbum. She went to a SS party last year and she gave a little velvet clutch with lip gloss and a bracelet and stuff from the Dollar Spot at Target. Guess what she got in return?.....a plastic poinsetta pick tied to a hair clippie with a bread bag twist tie.
ReplyDeleteWe have both vowed to decline exchanges in the future. You can join us, you know.
CL doesn't look like how I had envisioned. Toto looks eerily like my grandma. :0
ReplyDeleteI flaked out of our church Xmas party tonight because you had to dress up in Bethlehem gear and its outside. I don't like hanging out in a parking lot for a Christmas party. Maybe I'm just bratty.
ReplyDeleteAnyway I'm home and I better see some Moonlight tonight, dangit!
Brian:
ReplyDeleteLack of Planning:
Are you suggesting the start torturing me earlier in the year????? ;o)
Esmeralda:
Nope! Not showing up next year... UNLESS I'M WHEELED IN DRUNK.
Nancy:
Yup! CL took her jingle bell off and didn't put it back on. You see in the picture of them she isn't wearing it. You should have seen her eat her 1 piece of thin crust pizza. Poor little bunny!
Tracy:
I'll tell Milton to enter your air fare into her magical grid!
Marie:
You're too young to work there! They only allow one person under 50 at a time but you're welcome to take my place!
NCS:
Said the person with the cow bell on her hat... ;o)
jean knee:
I wanted to take the paperwork home with me for show and tell but Milton told me she was going to file for next year! Sad really.
Dan:
OZ threatened to put cameras in the place because he claims we don't work, sometimes I think he should!
EWBL:
Yeah jean knee's comment had me on the floor! We must make allowances since she's been pulling Johnsons all summer.
Last year, CL got me too and gave me a Dean Koontz paperback that cost her $7. I love books but the rules are minimum $15 not maximum. I'm not kidding when I say I'm not a social person so these parties always leave me drained afterwards. I'm definitely boycotting next years.
I'm watching my recorded Moonlight as I type!
You and I have reviews coming up BEE!!!!
ReplyDeleteAfter snarking on so many others I suddenly feel nervous enough to puke my cynical guts out. :(
Everybody's CLICKING For The Weekend!
don't worry, I'm clicking for both of you.
ReplyDeleteeven though you are both degenerates
or maybe because you are degenerates
maybe that's the wrong word
They had a nice terry cloth robe waiting for you infidel, I can't believe you stood them up
ReplyDeletegood lord, every time I close my eyes I either see a cup or that goat thing. I am forever traumatized
ReplyDeleteIs it too early to click again?
ReplyDeletegoat boy called, he wants his, uhmm....'toys' back
ReplyDeleteOhhhh. You made me want Giordano's pizza. Mmmm. I've been to Chicago ONCE, and went there.
ReplyDelete