Friday, March 27, 2009

Yeah, you parents out there that think it’s hard talking to your kids about the birds and the bees? Try explaining prison love to your older, very sheltered, female boss. I dare ya’.

The following is the most bizarre conversation I have ever had with a boss that even beats the vampire one.

Glynda: Can I ask you something since you’re hip and happening [I AM NOT KIDDING. THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID]

Bee: [in the middle of enjoying some taco dip] I am pretty groovy. Ask away.

Glynda: What does it mean when people say ‘I’m not your bitch’? Is it degrading to women?

Bee: BWAHAHAHAHA! Uh I mean erm. Well, I think it originated as a prison term referring to those men who were the ummm bottom part of a forced relationship… if you know what I mean.

Glynda: … [blank stare]

Bee: Well um [puts down her Tostito full of taco dip] [sweats] okay when a man and a woman lust each other very much they uh… but when there is no woman around and the man is confined to a building (or boat for you sailors out there) where only other men live and that man has certain needs… if the man is bigger IN STATURE than other men and he’s tougher and may have the nickname of Big MOFO Killing Machine he may then take on a, let’s call him SPECIAL FRIEND, whom he will use as his well erm GIRLFRIEND for the time of his stay. And his temporary GIRLFRIEND then cries at night because he really doesn’t want any part of this relationship but there is nothing he can do because his nickname is Little Willy White Collar Crime and Big MOFO Killing Machine will do what he wants anyway. In this scenario, Little Willy is the Prison Bitch so the term “I’m not your bitch” comes from that.

prisonsmurf Glynda: [looking nauseous] Oh… dear. So when OZ and Tin-Man say it, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?? That they’re…

Bee: Holy Moses NO! No! That’s not what I’m saying it just means they’re saying they are not there for someone else to take advantage of or abuse.

Glynda: [looks relieved] Okay. I get it. I thought they just meant women as their slaves. I think I liked it better that way.

Bee: Well, I’m sure Little Willy liked it better that way too.

Moral of this story? Don't do the crime If you're a sensitive asshole.

If you have a better moral, sock it to me.


I dedicate this post to The Nemising One who died earlier this week. He was one crude rude dude but he was always funny. I know I said I'd post Andy's interview but this conversation with Glynda happened after I'd found out he'd died and I thought it was right up his alley.

When I first found out, I swear I thought it was a joke because he did have that type of morbid sense of humor. He wrote a goodbye post just in case his health failed him one day and instead a fuckin drunk driver got to him first.

I've always wondered what would happen if one day I just, out of the blue, stopped posting. It's an interesting idea to have a goodbye post ready just in case an unforeseen freak accident were to send me off to meet my maker. Would it matter? I know it mattered to me to know TNO was gone. I'm not trying to make this about me it's just that it was a bizarre experience to read somebody's good-bye.

My thoughts are with his family whom he loved and I'm reminded especially of this post where he took his daughter to see Twilight. The guy was a hilarious contradiction.

Rest in peace TNO.


  1. I don't think The Blogger Gazette would mind a little adios amigo post.

  2. You need an assistant. One who's younger, with some facial piercings. Then you can delegate answering the hip and happening questions to them.

  3. Can't come up with a better moral to the story. I just don't recommend trying it at home. (at least it's not for me. I'm just sayin')

  4. "Don't do the crime, unless you can take it from behind."

    "Crime doesn't pay, unless you are gay."

    Nope....those don't really have the right ring to them to be a good moral. Not to mention they are a little disturbing.

  5. A post on prison love combined with RIP TNO? I've a feeling he'd've liked that ...

  6. Very good explanation, Bee! I think carefully before I commit my next crime!

    Nice tribute to TNO. That's so sad.

  7. Hilarious conversation. Sorry to hear about your friend.

  8. I have to hand it to you Bee, you came up with one doozy of a post this time.

    TNO has to be laughing that perverted butt of his off up there reading this post.

    I mean, where else can someone achieve the notoriety of being a sarcastic and venom-spewing blogger with humor, and mix it with prison bitch love?

    Rest in peace TNO, and you better buy Glynda a picture dictionary of prison bitch terms Bee!

  9. You know what I had to explain the other day to Natalia?


    She read a sign that said "say no to drugs" then of corse had to ask what they where... It was an interesting conversation... I should have told her to ask her favorite Tia Bee....

    Sorry about your friend...

  10. No better moral that that one. I can't believe your boss has lived THAT sheltered of a life! You did well explaining it to her.

    I am sorry about your friend. Just hearing about him makes me wish I would have followed him.

    I just read his goodbye post. Know that I think about it, I have visited his blog a couple of times. He was pretty funny.

    I will pray for his friends and family.

    Makes ya think......

  11. I sure would like to have a beer right about now.

    I'll post your last post, you should also do a comic strip from beyond the grave, Bee goes to heaven or something.

  12. If TNO comes back to life on April fools day and does a stupid April Fools day post that will be lame and stupid.

  13. Oh Bee, that was nice of you to dedicate this post to him. And I'm sure he would have appreciated this post more than one full of sadness and gloom.
    If the man loved to laugh and to make others laugh, then I think laughing would have been what he wanted.

  14. As for your conversation, I think that what you had to explain might have been way harder for you to do than what I had to explain to my oldest monkey about Ellen and Portia being married and pregnant even though they both girls.

    I know that after my grandfather passed away, my grandmother became obscessed with watching the news, which she never watched before. (hmmm... and I wondered where I got my hate for news) Since I was the only nurse or person in the medical field in our family, I would get several phonecalls daily where I had to explain uncomfortable things to her.
    One example was when she called me, convinced that she had "the AIDs".
    I said "Ok, Grandma, I have to ask you a few questions to be sure.
    Blood Transfusion? No
    Injecting yourself with dirty, used needles full of some illegal drug? Oh My! No! Is that what you kids are in to these days?
    Ok, one last question. Have you had unprotected sex with multiple partners lately?
    Do you know what she did? She yelled at me!
    TRACY LYNN! I have only been with one man in my life and that was your grandfather! Seeing as he's gone, I'm guessing he will be my last too!
    She then went on to share TMI about how late into their age they were know...doing.. gag...IT.
    These conversations happened daily.

  15. Oh, one last thing, come over to my place, I gave you a little something!

  16. I am referring my Tween to you for all of her questions. But hide the dip. She likes that stuff.

  17. The prison love thing is the whole reason I don't commit crimes. I don't think I would be on the favorable end of the relationship in prison & I don't want to find out either.

  18. I think it should be required that everyone in upper management know about prison love. This knowledge might have prevented the Enron scandal.

  19. LMAO

    Can't even say anything clever to that one.


  20. I think your moral could be improved by changing it to:

    Don't do the crime If you HAVE a sensitive asshole.

  21. Johnny:
    Have you ever met anybody on this green Earth who didn't have a sensitive asshole? ;o)


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.