Tuesday, March 24, 2009

I'm as perfect as perfect can be, right? what? You disagree?

So… that friend I told you guys about, you know the one who found me after 23 years? She is coming over to visit the best city in the world. No, not that one! Chicago! Or you know, Chicagoland. She will be here the beginning of April and will be staying at Shangri-La Bee n’ Andy’s.

Now, it’s been a long time and I’ve changed a lot in all those years. And not just physically. I would say I’ve become a little tougher, a little wiser and a lot grumpier. I thought maybe I should give her a heads up on the inner workings of my head so she doesn’t commit a flagrant foul.

Okay, first off. I’m not a hugger. I mean, I’ll probably hug her hello and goodbye but that’s all that’s needed, right?

If I’m not a hugger, I’m less of a kisser. You know those kiss on the cheek greetings? I cannot handle those. I’m always that weird awkward girl who pulls back at the last second and then they wind up kissing my chin or forehead. That’s embarrassing to everybody including my long dead ancestors.

I sometimes over emphasize words and people think I’m YELLING when all I’m doing is trying to get across the SERIOUSNESS of a situation. Example:

Can you believe someone at work, PROBABLY MILTON, only left 2 crackers in the cracker box and then just put it away? WHO DOES THAT? 2crackersinabox

Andy always tells me to stop yelling at him and I tell him to stop being such a delicate little flower.

I have two insane dogs but only one of them is dangerous. He may look all sweet and cute and cuddly but he is one step away from making your fingers his dinner.

tazz mid attack2

Also, he smells. I don’t know why but he does. Maybe I should Febreeze him before she gets here?

If I see the opportunity to cheat I’ll take it. Except in Scrabble and Up-words because I don’t know how to spell.

That’s all I could come up with, because I’m perfect, so I thought maybe you guys out there on the other side of my screen, can give her tips on how not to poke the beast within. Things you may have learned about me while reading some of my nonsense. This is your opportunity to mock me like you’ve never mocked me before! I'm pretty sure you got nuthin'.

By the way, I will be interviewing Andy and he's pretty excited. If the definition of excited is to 'scratch ones head and then shrug as they're walking away'.


  1. It's pretty cool that your friend is coming to visit you.
    That deserves a hug AND a kiss!


  2. I love it when I am first.

    Poor Milton, probably on a diet.

    I am pretty excited about Andy's interview.

  3. Milton, just finish the box and get a new one from the other room. Unless you're TOO FULL to go all the way to the other room. Maybe you need a couple of crackers to give you that ENERGY BOOST.

    I dread it when people come over because all they want to do is hug and kiss me. Now I have a reputation of someone who's afraid of touching people. That's not true. I just don't want to touch them.

  4. I am totally with you on the hugging and (even worse) kissing thing. Stop invading my space!

    If you ever saw Pushing Daisies, you would recognize me as Ned the Piemaker. Except not as tall. Or as thin. Or as male.

  5. I feel for all you "don't invade my space" people.

    Good thing too, because it's quite obvious you won't do your own feeling.

  6. I wouldn't dream of mocking you.

    Your friend should be fine as long as she invests in protective clothing, a crash helmet and earplugs.

    To protect her from Tazz, of course.

  7. I can't help it...I am Italian so therefore I hug.

    I have a friend whom was my best friend back when I was around 7 years old, and I would so love to get back in touch with her.

    Have fun! That is exciting.

  8. Drew's whole family are giant huggers and kissers

    I'm still getting used to it

    That is ultra kewl about your friend coming

  9. You gotta cope with at least two hugs, and one kiss.

    Hug for a welcome, and a hug and kiss goodbye.

    Now, if you really want to surprise her, be proactive, and be the hugger and kisser BEFORE she can think about it!

    That way, the hugs and kisses are on YOUR terms, not hers.

    See? Your need for control and authority can be comforted this way!

  10. Oh my god...Andy the delicate flower always thinking you are yelling at him. That is so Mrs. Stickman and I. She always tells me to quit being a baby!

    What would be funny is if you were proactive and hugged HER, and SHE was a non-hug person!

  11. Perfection is relative.

    I like to meet my own definition of it!

    (& yes, I am a conceited asshole)

  12. we smell the way we do because thats who we are. if this so called 'friend' of yours doesnt like it oh i suggest she get one of those pine tree air fresheners and hang it off the ring in her nose. humph!

  13. Of course there is STILL that problem of you not having a mouth. No wonder you're not a kisser! ;)

  14. You could just tell her you have Howie Mandell Disease and the only touching you can tolerate is to bump elbows.

  15. My kids put empty boxes, milk jugs, etc back all the time. Mr.Man does it sometimes but he is one to leave two or three crackers in the box and put it back.
    He doesn't want to be accused of eating the last of something.

    I don't get it...

  16. i am completely incapable of replacing an empty roll of toliet paper. In twenty years, my husband thinks I may have put a new roll on once. Consider your measley lttle flaws as nothing!

  17. I realized the other day that I sometimes talk REALLY LOUDLY FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN I THINK I HEAR MUSIC SO I HAVE TO TALK OVER IT. I'm sorry. Perhaps people are just looking at me oddly because I'm talking loudly for no reason and not, in fact, as I have assumed, because they cannot hear me.

    Also, you want to know who else puts two crackers back in the cabinet, or perhaps a tablespoon of Cheerios or two sips of pop back in the fridge? My husband. Let me say that louder - MY HUSBAND DOES AND IT MAKES ME CRAZED!!

  18. okay the whole kiss on the check thing so made me think of the real housewives of NYC and it drives me insane...so my advice don't pretend to be a countess, not that you would or anything but I'm just sayin...

  19. I am not a hugger or kisser either except for one occasion in my life. The night before I left Italy after a 7 week stay I got my first every cheek to cheek Italian kiss. I felt like the Godfather. I know I watch too many gangster movies.

  20. NCS:
    By excited do you mean you scratched your head and then shrugged as you walked away? ;o)

    People in the Sun:
    I see you got my point EXACTLY! I don't understand the need to touch others. I mean sure I'm married and all but does Andy's hand always have to be on my butt?? I'm going to start charging him rent... would that make me a prostitute?

    Theresa B:
    I LOVE that show! It better come back. I think you're on to something though. Maybe we can say that if we're touched people will become catatonic. Does one become catatonic or does one fall into a catatonic state?

    Yup. I'd rather not feel anybody. Except Andy on scheduled occasions. ;o)

    That sounds suspiciously like a mock to me. >:o[

    Hope you find her!

    jean knee:
    I'd pretend to be sick if I were you. Cough it up like there's no tomorrow.

    Great advice!

    I think I like Mrs. Stickman!
    Yeah, can you imagine the awkwardness of the situation?

    Uh Bee? Can you not touch me please?

    What?? I bought you dinner!

    I'm conceited too only I'm deserving of conceit. ;o)

    It's not our fault you go chasing squirrels into stinky places.

    I talk outta my nose which is why nothing ever makes any sense.

    Ha ha ha! I like that idea!

    Blonde Goddess:
    I don't get it either.

    What happens if you're going poopsie and there's no TP?? For shame young lady!

    Men!! I swear that if not for the fact that I'm not gay I'd become a lesbian! Only I wouldn't date Michelle because she doesn't replace the TP.

    Technically TECHNICALLY I'm not what you would call a "" countess "" but I do act like one so... now I'm even more confused.

    Did he grab you by the back of the head and say "You broke my heart Fredo"?

  21. It depends on who's kissing!

    Do you need to warn her about your mom?

    Have fun!

  22. 2 crackers in the box... that seems to be the equivalent of me leaving 2 squares of toilet paper on the roll for A-me.

    it's so satisfying to know there are other ways of getting even.
    and yes, i know my little segment here has nothing to do with you being perfect, or you having a friend come over..
    but i just thought you should know about it.

  23. I would warn her against doing anything stupid. You seem to have a low tolerance for stupidity.

    And she probably shouldn't bring her pet spider.

  24. OMG, Bee! You are the reason my father bitches every time we play a game.

    He's always accusing me of cheating and says in his "I'm older-wiser-more experienced" voice, 'I've learned that you can't trust people in these games. They always make up their own rules.'

    When I remind him that I'm his daughter and he should know I'm not going to cheat, he scoffs.

    Thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, Bee. ;)

  25. Is Tazz part or all Shih-Tzu? He looks like my sister's dog. And her dog smells too. Her last shih-tzu did too.

  26. Oh, I so agree with you on the hugging and kissing! I once said to a friend who was always a hugger, even way back in high school, "It's really nice to see you" (she starts coming in for the big, dancy hug) "Um, ok but if you touch me I can't promise that I won't punch you." No more hugs after that.
    Actually, now that I think of it, I haven't heard from her since.

    Anywhoo, I have something but it's not about you. I think she should be warned about Andy and his inability to share snack sized chips.
    I remember that story that you told us from when you were dating and if he was still in the phase of trying to impress you and did that then he will break this girls arm if she even looks at one of his bags of snack chips!

  27. Sleep with one eye open, after all she's a stranger.


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.