Friday, March 6, 2009

So there I sat, holding my urine sample while a little boy stared at me in wide eyed wonder...*

Yeah so I went to the doctor and I have awesome news for you guys (me too I guess). I will not be dying any time soon. Well, let's hope I can still out run those ninja assassins. I was also given the great news that I am not pregnant which I already knew but it's always good to hear over and over and especially coming from a licensed professional.

My doctor is an old school little polish lady who believes babies cure all. Why would I say that, you ask. Well she asked me if there were any babies in my future and I said I'm sure there will be but hopefully the stork will bypass my house and drop them off at my sister's or brothers' houses and she said "Deese health problems you have because you have no babies. A baby will change your body and you see everything be better. Babies are the answer to all problems!"

Say hhhwat??

I guess we've been taking the wrong approach to things like the economy, war and bacon. You heard or, erm, read it here first people! Go out and have yourself a baby and your problems will evaporate!

It also turns out my blood pressure was way over what anybody would call ""normal"" it was over what anybody would call ""abnormal"" so I got the famous speech of "eat right, exercise, stop-killing-people-with-your-mind" etc. I tried explaining to her that I had just had a very stressful day and maybe that's why they were getting a TNT reading and you can't really tell me those automated blood pressure machines are infallible. This didn't stop them from trying to get a better reading oh no no no. That automated sucker just kept puffing up and squeezing the hell out of my arm until my hand was purple and beginning to lose feeling. My upper arm now has little red blood marks from where the stupid machine was trying to drain my soul.

But otherwise, my doctor and her staff are nice people and if it weren't for the fact that they've come at me with needles and made me pee into things, I might consider asking them over for dinner.

Anyway, I didn't go in to work because I was still achey-in-the-kidney and my Andy being the lovable guy he is decided to bring me a gift:

Some women like flowers and candy but not this chick!

*True story.


  1. Funny that you mention bacon. I've had (vicariously through my wife of course) two children. The price of bacon has been cut almost in half. If I have (vicariously, again...without the pain) another child, will bacon be like $2.00 for the good shit? I'm not sure, but I think it would be worth it. You see, I love bacon. So much so, that my heartburn takes a backseat, although painful, we're talking bacon people.

  2. Wow, they've prescribed parenthood as a cure for high blood pressure?

    The wonders of medical science will never cease.

  3. I don't think babies solve all your problems so much as put all your other problems in perspective.

  4. Yeah. If you have a baby, it will suck up all your time and energy and will give you years and years of joy in return!

    Hope you feel better soon!

  5. Babies and rakes cure all. True. I had leprosy, then I gave birth, and I am now fine. Apart from the increasing derangement, but I put that down to the economy.

  6. I have high blood pressure too Bee!

    and yeah having a baby does cure everything--who knew?

  7. It's been my experience (through others because lord knows I'm not having babies anytime soon) that babies don't so much as remove problems as make you so sleep-deprived and gaga over this thing you created that you don't remember life before the little bundle got here.

  8. I'm glad that you are decently healthy. Andy is a creative husband. A rake as a gift! A rake, ingenius! i will take his cue and get my babyboo a swiffer for its inherent health benefits.

  9. I have some achey kidney issues too and my BP could be better but ever since 50,ooo people have told me that every time Obama speaks to the nation the stock market goes down, I've kept my BP kit near me at all times.

  10. I am thinking this nice Polish lady has no children.

  11. I had a male doctor tell me the same damn thing. A neurologist. That if I wanted to get rid of migraines, to get pregnant.

    Sure, that'll work for nine months.

    And THEN what???

    Doctors, man!

  12. I'll sell you one of my kidneys!

  13. Having a baby solves all our physical problems? Maybe I need to have another baby to lose the baby weight I'm still carting around from the last one. Score!

  14. Listen to me Bee.
    Your doctor is WRONG about the babies being a cure all!
    If you're having blood pressure problems, babies will make them worse!
    Weight problems? Babies make them worse.
    Stress problems? Babies will make them worse.
    And what's even better is that those babies grow in to little 9 year old girls who do nothing but talk back, roll their eyes, and do the opposite of everything you tell them to do.
    Do not have babies to make things better!

  15. Glad you're okay Bee. I am healthy also, older than you and do not have children. I think that's why I still have the shreds of sanity. Yes, it's true my sanity has been shredded, but I am holding onto the tatters.

  16. I am so glad you are not dying!

    I had two babies, so you't think all my heat problems would be 0.
    0 x 2 = 0
    Or should it be 00?


  17. Oooh I like the rake gift! I prefer sensible, usable gifts to flowers as well :)

    Silver, my other half, used to make me special meals as a present, now he does all the cooking when he comes over, and it's always special :)

  18. Oh lord, that doctor needs to come to our house and see how well babies cure all problems! My sister would have some different words for her. She can't lose the last 20 lbs of baby fat, her ass still hurts (she bruised her tailbone and now it is out of alignment), and she's constantly broke.

  19. Ouchie! But yay for not being pregnant. Babies don't fix your body. They make everything shift down and out. I mean really out.


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