I decided to interview Norm, the guy who walks around outside and inside of our building with a dust pan, broom, a bunch of keys, a pager, a walkie-talkie and an earpiece. I wanted to ask him WHY the walls to the asylum were yet to be finished since they started the job a couple of weeks ago.
And also, did he have any new bathroom stories for me?
This interview was a little trickier since A) The interviewee likes to go an on and on and on B) He wears shirts almost open to his belly button C) He is too old and um chubby to wear shirts almost open to his belly button D) HE DOESN’T KNOW I’M INTERVIEWING HIM
Bee: Nice weather we’re having, right? [What? I can’t just walk up to him and start! I need to ease in to this thing so he doesn’t get suspicious.]
Norm: Yes but I can’t wait until it’s 90 degrees out there. I hate wearing a coat! [and yet that is the only thing that keeps me from gagging]
Bee: How do you think the bulls are going to do? [He likes the bulls.]
Norm: Bah! We need Michael Jordan to come back!
Bee: Uh but he’s like 87, what if he breaks a hip?
Norm: Girlie! He is not 87! If Jordan is 87, how old do you think I am? [What is it with people trying to take over the interview??]
Bee: That’s irrelevant to our conversation, Norm. Did you find any more birds in the penthouse? [the 4th floor which is used for storage]
Norm: No, but you’re gonna love this! PROMISE NOT TO TELL ANYBODY??
Bee: I promise not tell anybody that works here.
Norm: [he looks at me sideways so I look back at him front ways] Promise?
Bee: OKAY! [Fingers crossed]
Alright, everyday at about 1:30 the pediatrician’s office on the 3rd floor heard a strange banging noise directly above their waiting room. By the time I would get around to checking it, the noise would be gone and I never saw anything unusual [it takes Norm about half an hour to respond to a page].
When we figured out that it was always at about the same time, I made a point of being in the area once the noise started so I could go check on it. I figured it might be a vent kicking in and the vibrations maybe making some boxes shake.
I got to the penthouse [in my experience, the penthouse is always noisy] and unlocked the storage space for the plastic surgeon’s office because that’s where the noise was coming from and went in I WAS EVEN WHISTELING A NICE TUNE FOR CRIPES SAKE! [he looks around, I look around, he leans in, I am made aware he had meatballs for lunch] when I saw the plastic surgeon and his assistant bumping uglies!
Bee: Holy crap Norm! You had it right when you said banging noises!
Norm: What kind of language is that young lady?
Anyway, the assistant screamed, I backed out of there faster than you can say applesauce and ran down the stairs. I was not waiting for no elevator! About an hour later, I get a page from the plastic surgeon’s direct line. I called him and he asked me to come on over.
I didn’t know what to expect I thought ‘if he tells me I shouldn’t have gone in without his permission so help me I’ll plant his overstretched face through the window’ but no, he asked me if there was anything he could do for me.
Bee: Like he would be your own personal Santa Clause here’s a car ‘do for you’ or did he mean money wise?
Norm: I thought money wise but then he asked ‘is there something you want changed or removed from your person?’ I told him it wasn’t necessary since it’s none of my business how he gets his jollies but all I asked was that he stop taking his romantic interludes up there because the children were now even more afraid to go to the doctor because they thought the building was haunted.
Bee: I can’t believe you didn’t take his offer to fix you up. Not that there’s anything wrong with you…
Norm: At my age what do I need? I mentioned it to the wife and she said she would have liked less wrinkles on her face but I did the right thing.
Bee: Do you think you can tell him I’m your daughter? Maybe he could hook me up.
Norm: Don’t talk nonsense!
Bee: It must be fun to have your job Norm. You have all the cool gossip.
Norm: Fun?? Follow me.
Bee: Where are going? Ooh! Do I get to look at the surveillance monitors?
Norm: No. Stop asking. You see this here? Some woman dropped a plant and just left all this dirt here. You think that’s fun? She couldn't even pick up the pine cone!
Bee: Eww it almost looks like somebody didn’t make it to the bathroom in time!
Norm: Exactly! Then I have them complaining about the fact that we changed the toilet tissue. THIS ISN’T THE HILTON FOR CRIPES SAKE!
Bee: If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t even notice the paper change.
Norm: Hey help me out will ya? That boney lady who works in your office, you know the one who fell off the toilet? Tell her to stop asking me when they’re going to finish the painting! I swear if one more person asks me I’m going to place my foot in their delicates! [oh-oh that sounds mighty ouchy for my delicates]
Bee: No problem, Norm. I’ll tell her to stuff it! I mean so what if the walls look in disrepair? That’s not anybody’s business but yours! So what if I want to bring a paint brush and add a streak of red just so I don’t have to look at the old ugly brown? Doesn’t mean I will. So what—
Norm: All right you wisenheimer. I’m currently having a dispute with the painters if you must know. I told Ollie [not the painter’s real name I just like the name Ollie] to paint the walls a nice Silver and instead he gives me Pewter so they painted the other walls Silver to show me there was no notable difference and I disagreed by telling them they could go climb a tree ass backwards since that’s how they do everything else. It turns out that all painters were fathered by the
same dog so no one will come out and fix it.
Bee: [I nod] I think you presented a very reasonable argument.
Norm: ::shrugs:: Remember, don’t tell anybody!
Then he walked into his “ “ office “ “ and closed the door to our interview. I’m not sure but I think I lost the reins somewhere after Michael Jordan.
I also found it interesting that on my next trip tot he bathroom, he still hadn't picked up the dirt outside of the ladies' room door. I went back and took a picture so you guys could appreciate what he goes through.
If you missed it: