Tuesday, March 17, 2009

From the same people who brought you Interview with a Vegetarian, Bee’s Musings presents: Interview with the guy that I think is the building manager but he might just be an alien.

I decided to interview Norm, the guy who walks around outside and inside of our building with a dust pan, broom, a bunch of keys, a pager, a walkie-talkie and an earpiece. I wanted to ask him WHY the walls to the asylum were yet to be finished since they started the job a couple of weeks ago. cell 3.6.09 029 cell 3.6.09 030
And also, did he have any new bathroom stories for me?

This interview was a little trickier since A) The interviewee likes to go an on and on and on B) He wears shirts almost open to his belly button C) He is too old and um chubby to wear shirts almost open to his belly button  D) HE DOESN’T KNOW I’M INTERVIEWING HIM

Bee: Nice weather we’re having, right? [What? I can’t just walk up to him and start! I need to ease in to this thing so he doesn’t get suspicious.]

Norm: Yes but I can’t wait until it’s 90 degrees out there. I hate wearing a coat! [and yet that is the only thing that keeps me from gagging]

Bee: How do you think the bulls are going to do? [He likes the bulls.]

Norm: Bah! We need Michael Jordan to come back!

Bee: Uh but he’s like 87, what if he breaks a hip?

Norm: Girlie! He is not 87! If Jordan is 87, how old do you think I am? [What is it with people trying to take over the interview??]

Bee: That’s irrelevant to our conversation, Norm. Did you find any more birds in the penthouse? [the 4th floor which is used for storage]

Norm: No, but you’re gonna love this! PROMISE NOT TO TELL ANYBODY??

Bee: I promise not tell anybody that works here.

Norm: [he looks at me sideways so I look back at him front ways] Promise?

Bee: OKAY! [Fingers crossed]

Alright, everyday at about 1:30 the pediatrician’s office on the 3rd floor heard a strange banging noise directly above their waiting room. By the time I would get around to checking it, the noise would be gone and I never saw anything unusual [it takes Norm about half an hour to respond to a page].

When we figured out that it was always at about the same time, I made a point of being in the area once the noise started so I could go check on it. I figured it might be a vent kicking in and the vibrations maybe making some boxes shake.

I got to the penthouse [in my experience, the penthouse is always noisy] and unlocked the storage space for the plastic surgeon’s office because that’s where the noise was coming from and went in I WAS EVEN WHISTELING A NICE TUNE FOR CRIPES SAKE! [he looks around, I look around, he leans in, I am made aware he had meatballs for lunch] when I saw the plastic surgeon and his assistant bumping uglies!

Bee: Holy crap Norm! You had it right when you said banging noises!

Norm: What kind of language is that young lady?

Anyway, the assistant screamed, I backed out of there faster than you can say applesauce and ran down the stairs. I was not waiting for no elevator! About an hour later, I get a page from the plastic surgeon’s direct line. I called him and he asked me to come on over.

I didn’t know what to expect I thought ‘if he tells me I shouldn’t have gone in without his permission so help me I’ll plant his overstretched face through the window’ but no, he asked me if there was anything he could do for me.

Bee: Like he would be your own personal Santa Clause here’s a car ‘do for you’ or did he mean money wise?

Norm: I thought money wise but then he asked ‘is there something you want changed or removed from your person?’ I told him it wasn’t necessary since it’s none of my business how he gets his jollies but all I asked was that he stop taking his romantic interludes up there because the children were now even more afraid to go to the doctor because they thought the building was haunted.

Bee: I can’t believe you didn’t take his offer to fix you up. Not that there’s anything wrong with you…

Norm: At my age what do I need? I mentioned it to the wife and she said she would have liked less wrinkles on her face but I did the right thing.

Bee: Do you think you can tell him I’m your daughter? Maybe he could hook me up.

Norm: Don’t talk nonsense!

Bee: It must be fun to have your job Norm. You have all the cool gossip.

Norm: Fun?? Follow me.

Bee: Where are going? Ooh! Do I get to look at the surveillance monitors?

Norm: No. Stop asking. You see this here? Some woman dropped a plant and just left all this dirt here. You think that’s fun? She couldn't even pick up the pine cone!
cell 3.16.09 016
Bee: Eww it almost looks like somebody didn’t make it to the bathroom in time!

Norm: Exactly! Then I have them complaining about the fact that we changed the toilet tissue. THIS ISN’T THE HILTON FOR CRIPES SAKE!

Bee: If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t even notice the paper change.

Norm: Hey help me out will ya? That boney lady who works in your office, you know the one who fell off the toilet? Tell her to stop asking me when they’re going to finish the painting! I swear if one more person asks me I’m going to place my foot in their delicates! [oh-oh that sounds mighty ouchy for my delicates]

Bee: No problem, Norm. I’ll tell her to stuff it! I mean so what if the walls look in disrepair? That’s not anybody’s business but yours! So what if I want to bring a paint brush and add a streak of red just so I don’t have to look at the old ugly brown? Doesn’t mean I will. So what—

Norm: All right you wisenheimer. I’m currently having a dispute with the painters if you must know. I told Ollie [not the painter’s real name I just like the name Ollie] to paint the walls a nice Silver and instead he gives me Pewter so they painted the other walls Silver to show me there was no notable difference and I disagreed by telling them they could go climb a tree ass backwards since that’s how they do everything else. It turns out that all painters were fathered by the
same dog so no one will come out and fix it.

Bee: [I nod] I think you presented a very reasonable argument.

Norm: ::shrugs:: Remember, don’t tell anybody!

Then he walked into his “ “ office “ “ and closed the door to our interview. I’m not sure but I think I lost the reins somewhere after Michael Jordan.

I also found it interesting that on my next trip tot he bathroom, he still hadn't picked up the dirt outside of the ladies' room door. I went back and took a picture so you guys could appreciate what he goes through.

The End.

If you missed it:

Interview with a Vegetarian.


  1. Wow! That is too funny! I think it was a good idea to let him take over the interview. You know...you could still profit off of it. Just tell the Plastic Surgeon you KNOW.

  2. You want to be careful with that plastic surgery - you don't want to end up looking like Michael Jackson.

  3. OMG! You know all the BEST people! I wanna work in an assylum too!

  4. is that blood? stool? vomit?
    seriously... somebody was stabbed brutally in your building and you don't elaborate?!?!?!

  5. Dizzy:
    I like the way your mind works. Blackmail for a new butt!

    I'll be okay since I'm happy with my face.

    Working here is a riot I tell ya'!

    I covered the gunk on the floor towards the end of the post.
    "Norm: No. Stop asking. You see this here? Some woman dropped a plant and just left all this dirt here. You think that’s fun? She couldn't even pick up the pine cone!
    Bee: Eww it almost looks like somebody didn’t make it to the bathroom in time!"

  6. Maintenance folks tend to have all of the juicy and interesting dirt on office folks.

    Of course, being the network manager, I have quite a bit of pull around here, since I know what folks are accessing what websites..

    Amazing how compliant a manager will get when confronted with the fact that they've been watching youporn while at their desk instead of the weekly upgrade you've asked them to install!

  7. like i even believe that shit!

    seriously, who died?

  8. Jorm:
    Lucky! Try to finagle a raise!

    Yeah, it was really what was left OZ. ;o)

  9. You are hilarious Bee. Thank you for sharing! Happy St Patty's Day!

  10. That is the funniest interview EVER!! Thanks for the laughs.

  11. I love building managers, custodians, and the like. I will plant his over stretched face through the window. What a guy.

  12. Good interview!
    Wow... you would think the plastic surgeon would figure out that they couldn't be all that quiet or that anyone would find them. S-M-R-T!

  13. that didn't look like dirt to me

  14. "He wears shirts almost open to his belly button"

    I'm out!

  15. This is better than 'reading' US Weekly. So juicy and amazing!

    You do know some amazing people that I don't ever want to know. :)

  16. I really thought I was looking at vomit. I am glad you clarified.

    Bee, this is a very interesting place you work at...

  17. I worked with a techy guy who left his shirt unbuttoned all the way down to his belly. I think he was finally "spoken to" and he buttoned up.

    His chest was really hairy.

    You lead a crazy life, Bee!

  18. Awesome! You just go up to someone interesting when you don't have anything to blog about and start a conversation. I'm doing it!
    Thank you Bee!

  19. I live vicariously through you, Bee. My job is never so entertaining. A crazy sex scandal?? That's so tv worthy.

  20. I would have totally blackmailed the plastic surgeon...

  21. Something he wants removed? That sounds like a threat.

  22. Very good, compelling & rich.

  23. It wasn't as terrifying as Interview with a Vegetarian, but still ...
    what goes on in other people's lives, eh?

  24. You have to leave your shirt unbuttoned when you've already got a built-in sweater on underneath. Gold chains also help to keep you cool - in both ways.

    Norm sounds Awesome! And for that matter, so does the plastic surgeon!

    Can't wait for the next episode of "Bee's Anatomy"!

  25. Gah! That seems more like blood from the photo! Norm might want to check on the status of that plastic surgeon's assistant...

  26. freaking hilarious. Norm is a character and a half!

  27. You know, I really feel bad for people who have to clean public bathrooms. They are such a mess! Especially the toilets where people poop and don't flush. EWWW!


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.