Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Ah yes, my single years as a psycho magnet.

You know what I just remembered that almost gave me a stroke??
I unintentionally put a hit out on myself about 14 years ago!
When I worked at the Brown's Chicken place, there was this weird manager guy (we'll call him Martin) who had the craziest crush on me.
Please picture Milton (not to be confused with the Milton that works in my office, that's another kind of insane) from Office Space only a lot younger and thinner.

I would sometimes catch him staring at me with such an intense look, he'd realize I noticed him staring but he never looked away!
Okay, I just shivered!
My friend (who I shall name Brenda) and I used to play "Key keep away". Which was hiding the register key from each other to see who could finish counting out their register drawer first.
Okay, the game was kind of lame. Would it be better if I told you that the one who lost had to buy the beer?
One day, I'd gotten the key first and she was chasing me around the store. Once she finally caught me, she was trying to pry it from my hand. We were laughing and I was doing pretty good at keeping it away from her which was impressive since Brenda was an Amazon woman.
All of a sudden, Martin came flying from around the cook aisle, grabbed her wrist and started yelling "Let her go! LET HER GOOOO!"
He went from quiet, unassuming sociopath, to crazed maniac in a matter of seconds! He wouldn't let go of her wrist until I reassured him we were playing.
Dude had the makings of the next Norman Bates!
Anyway, before his bizarre outburst, he and I had a conversation about aging. I was about 20 or 21 and he must have been in his late twenties early thirties. I mentioned how aging freaked me out.
---Before you read the rest, I need to remind you I was very very young AND PROBABLY DRUNK!---
I don't want to turn 50! It scares the shit out of me! Promise to shoot me the day before my 50th birthday.
His chilling response, in a dead serious tone.

I promise.
Imagine how I felt today while washing my hands when this memory floated into my head!!!
Shortly after that, he was transferred to another Brown's and I didn't see him until years later but stupid me never remembered to call off the hit on MYSELF!


On a scale from one to ten with one being Rocket Scientist and ten being a tone deaf gorilla, how dumb was young Bee?

If you click on Humor-Blogs you might save my life.

Yes, tone deaf gorillas are dumber than gorillas who can sing. I'd prove it to you but I'm just too lazy to go hunting right now.


  1. I wouldn't worry about it Bee.
    I bet Andy gets you first.

  2. Oops. Oh well, you've still got just over 14 years before you have to worry.

    You should plan to go on holiday to celebrate your last day of being 49. But when you're away, don't stay in any deserted motels...

  3. Yes..creepy. You may need to move. The only creepiness I've had to deal with was being followed a few times, but eyeballing them and yelling generally worked.

  4. I would make sure that your family doesn't make a big deal out of your 50th birthday by putting some sort of ad in the paper.
    Or maybe they should! Something like:
    Nifty Nifty
    Bee Just Turned 50
    But She Wants To Call The Hit Off
    So Don't Come Round Acting All Shifty!

    I'm awesome.

  5. Creepy!

    You should hire.. like a police man to stake out your house the entire week before you turn 50.. just to be on the safe side.

  6. Don't worry - you can always take out a hit on him before you turn 50.


  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

  8. I had a creepy follower like that once. He was this really tall, really skinny guy with buck teeth. He was constantly asking me out, and I always said no, but he kept asking anyway. Luckily another girl we worked with developed an interested in him so he started dating her. Until she got his name tattooed on her ankle, about two weeks into the relationship. I think he learned his lesson.

  9. omg, bee. you crack me up. and i agree with no cool story. you probably have more to worry about from andy. they says it's always the spouses.

  10. Should I call off the huge extravagant 50th birthday party that I figured would take me about 15 years to plan and save for????

    I guess we don't have to all go to Cabo or Jamaica to celebrate your b-day just Big Tex and I can go...

    Want to babysit? Wait... The girls will be 17 and 14... Well you can still keep an eye on them :)

  11. Now I wonder if that deleted comment was from Bob. THAT would be hella creepy if the dude had been keeping tabs on you in these post-Browns Chicken days.

    Seriously, heed Tracy's suggestion and beg all in your family to stay away from the "She's nifty and she's 50" newspaper ads. Not just for your safety, but because they are super freakin' annoying!

  12. welll crap, Bee you still have time to call it off

  13. You know, if you had been referencing dog years...YOU'D ALREADY BE DEAD!!

  14. Bee
    You should have never made out with him in the cooler.

  15. Look at it this way: In Witness Protection, you could choose a cool new name. Like "Sapphire".

  16. Was that Brown's Chicken Place or Brown's Love Shack???!!!?

    You found your man there and a nice creepy guy (Martin) that you could dress up and trot out for Halloween to give candy at your house and scare the kids away from the good stuff like Kit Kat and Snickers bars.

  17. Yikes.

    There always seems to be a creeper at every job. It's not always a man though. I had one of them cougars or whatever you'd call them after me when I worked at a burger joint and she was relentless. Not quite as creepy as your creeper, but persistent. Sometimes that can seem even creepier. I was only 16. I didn't, however, ask her to kill me. Don't feed the bears, Bee.

  18. NCS:
    Oh oh. Maybe I should have him start my car every morning.

    Are you making eyes at me??

    Maybe I should wear body armor.

    I just hope I've covered my tracks and he can't find me.

    Ha! You are awesome.
    Nifty fifties indeed!

    Maybe I can hire a hot bodyguard/fireman?

    Queen Goob:
    I don't think I want to even try looking or him. What if he thinks I'm trying to hook up with him?? ::blech!::

    Niiice!! Taste of his own medicine!

    He threatens me everyday but I just thought that was foreplay!

    Do you want to leave you're treasures when I might become tomorrows headlines?

    I'm hoping he became obsessed with someone else. Maybe he moved to Iowa...

    jean knee:
    Can you go talk to him for me? Just don't tell him where I live!

    Oh VE! You and your silver lining!

    You just made me throw up! You remember him don't you?

    Well, then I'd have to be a stripper? ;o)

    So many things went on in that place! So many hook ups and break ups... Yeah! I guess it was BLS (Brown's Love Shack)

    I learned my lesson. If I ever encounter another creeper, I won't ask him to kill me.


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.