Friday, October 26, 2007

WAR! HOO! HAH! What is it Good For?


Throughout the ages… we have been made to believe all major wars were primarily about religion, land, oil etc but here, at the lovely Insane Asylum, I have humbly come across the truth.

Simply put, it’s about food.

Snacks in forms of cookies, crackers, cheese, cakes and the new one… ordering lunch without inviting the bats.

Now ladies and gents, you must think I’m exaggerating.

In your head you're probably thinking:
“You are one insane chickadoo if you think for one minute I’ll believe your crappy lies!”

First, to answer your thoughts, “Why are you being so mean to me? Have I not been super nice to you?”

Second, to prove my point,

All the bats were talking about what they had brought for lunch (as is there custom). I then realized I forgot mine so when Glynda walked in, I asked if she wanted to order out. She said yes so we did.

Now, my loyal peeps, I ask you… did I do something wrong in not asking the obnoxious pieces of pickled shit co-workers of mine? They had just gone on for a fuckin' hour about what they were going to eat!!

::breathe::

Anyway…

This conversation took place once I got back from eating lunch.

Toto:
Why didn’t you ask us if we wanted lunch?
Me:
Last I checked I wasn’t a waitress.
Toto:
I would have ordered something if it was from Wally's.
Me:
You still can there’s the menu.
PD:
What’s the point now? It won’t get here in time!
Me:
I hate to be rude, nah who am I kidding I want to be rude. I don’t care if you’re mad at me! My life will go on and I will survive.

I then started singing “I Will Survive” by the talented Ms. Gloria Gaynor (women’s anthem).

Sing it with me my sist-ahs!

♪ ♫ ☺
Oh, no, not I-I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love
I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live and
I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive, I will survive, hey, hey ♪ ♫ ☺

They went to sulk in the kitchen.

Is it my responsibility to keep these morons fed? UHM... No!
What's next? Letting them know they went boom boom in their diapeey?!

BITCHES!!

On a weird (er?) note.

The other doctor, who I never talk about cuz he’s a nice man semi-retired in his 70s (we'll call him Mr. Rogers), asked me for a bite of my burger…!

Luckily, I had cut it in half since I never eat the whole darn thing so I offered him the untouched half but who does that???

What if I have cooties??
I mean, I’m married to a boy and everybody knows ALL boys have cooties!

I do have a theory as to why he asked me but it could all be in my head.

A couple of weeks ago I wore a skirt to work. After a while it kept shimming up so I stood up and adjusted it.
I had to lift it mid-thigh to fix the inside lining. I did this while at my desk since it's just women but first I made sure no one was looking at me from my window.
Little did I know I was putting on a show for Mr. Rogers who was sitting in the adjoing office (usually empty) on the computer.
Maybe he thought we formed a bond that day...?
-

WARNING P.S.
-
IF SOMEBODY POINTS OUT THAT I WAS MISSING THEM ON MONDAY... I WILL PERSONALLY WRAP ONE OF THEM UP AND SEND HER TO YOUR DOMICILE SO SHE CAN ANNOY THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.
THEY ARE VERY TALENTED IN THAT DEPARTMENT!
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!

21 comments:

  1. Hey! Wow! I'm first! That never happens.

    Watch out, Bee- the doctor may think you like him, since you put on a show for him and gave him some burger. Be prepared! *Closet Killer Paramount Theme*

    You're still sure you're a woman, right?

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  2. I think the Dr. wanted to taste your slober.....huuuyyyy
    B and Mr. Rogers sitting on a tree....
    Dan

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  3. whatcimini-fu

    just wanted to see if I set my new password.

    and uh whatchimini-fu

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  4. I for one am horrorfied. they just wanted to hang out with the cool girls- Bee and Glynda.

    watch out bee, those 70 year olds still got it goin on thanks to viagara, plus, being a doctor and all, he may have had something enlarged, wrinkles and all.

    I know one day I will burn for these comments

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  5. sometimes even a whiff of perfume can set them off

    or new shoes

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  6. Elastic.....reporting for clicking duty.

    And I'm wondering why you didn't order some lunch for me too. I was really hungry this afternoon and only ate a granola bar. :(

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  7. Food Fights:

    It's certainly a more sensible thing to have a war about that the other things you mentioned...

    Hunger Pangs:

    You've made me hungry now - I'm sitting here at 6am eating corned beef sandwiches, and I never have breakfast.

    Bat Repellant:

    You need one of those tins of shit - since I'm guessing you don't want to spend $180,000 on one, you could fake one up. Make sure everyone knows the story - especially the bit about them exploding (but not, of course the bit about it maybe not being true), and just keep it on your desk.

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  8. I just got an over powering, inexplicable craving for bacon grease. mmm

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  9. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! SAY IT AGAIN!

    yeah i would have gotten mad at you too.

    if you gave him half your burger did he give you half the money for it? these dudes are richer than dc what the hell! i can just picture the look you gave him like those japanese anime cartoons big eyes first but then squinty ready for a fight! hahahaha!

    andy tell her to STOP flashing the doctors!

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  10. HEY I LIKE THAT I CAN GET EMAILED WHEN SOMEONE COMMENTS COOL!

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  11. still waiting for my invite to the hallowbash!

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  12. chris:
    You get the crumby prize for being first! :op
    Yeah he probably thinks I’m all about him now…

    Regarding still being a woman, yeah still a woman.
    Although I had a close call the other day when I almost ALMOST tried to pee standing up! I don’t know where that came from!

    Dan: x2
    Gruhhosss! He is old old old (nice) but old old old!
    AND!
    You’re insane!

    anduhhhh watchiminifooooo

    jean knee:
    Not even Glynda belongs in the cool table. You know which one I’m talking about right? The sarcastic outcast of their own making cool table? Weirdly enough I think allot of the people that comment on this blog belong in the cool table. Interesting…

    Things I never want to think about in Mr. Rogers’ presence: VIAGARA!

    EWBL:
    See, if you worked with me I would have shared my burger with YOU doctor schmocter!

    brian:
    Corned Beef at 6:00 AM! Invest in bagels! They’ll fit in your mini fridge no problem.

    Bats and exploding poop:
    Well I guess I can get a can of the gunky stuff you have on your blog and tell them that’s what it is but knowing them, they’ll just want a can of their own since they like to be like me.

    jean knee:
    Careful with bacon grease I hear it can make your feet smaller and your body BIGGER!

    BD: x3
    Come on now, you know I would have asked if you wanted lunch from Wally's!

    Good freakin’ point! No he didn’t pay me for the burger!!!!

    Hee-ya! [uh… that was a karate chop]

    E-mail comments:
    Yeah now you feel special dontcha!

    Hallowbash:
    Ummmm it’s gonna be nothing but old people, you wouldn’t enjoy it at all.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Serious Me.
    Bee, I have been cootie free since birth. I think cooties were around when you were little but they have now found a cure.

    Big Dad.

    ReplyDelete
  14. BD:
    BWAHAHAHA!
    Glad to hear it cuz from what I remember (it was close to a hundred years ago so be patient with my memory) it was a horrible affliction that involved involuntary burping, crotch scratching, and blowing your nose without a tissue.
    Wait! Are you sure boys have been cured???

    ReplyDelete
  15. Bagels:

    Hmmm, not sure. My other favourite breakfast food is strongly spiced pickeld onions...

    Tins & Bats:

    You've got a point, they'd probably eat anything...

    Next time ask if anyone wants to order anything and when someone pipes up, give them your order.

    ReplyDelete
  16. someone sent me a black, glittery sign that says wicked


    jealous?

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  17. Someone among your peeps is shirking their clicky duties, bee. I don't mean to narc but you and I have fallen below Kinda Kitschy....a blog that hasn't been updated since freakin August. WTF?

    This makes Elastic muy, muy triste. :(

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  18. I think the docotr wanted to do a Lady and the Tramp type thing. You bite the burger from one end and him from the other and was hoping to meet in the middle!

    LMAO!!!!

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  19. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes looove, then comes marriage...
    oh.oh. SHould I continue?????

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  20. LOL...LOL

    YES CONTINUE! It will gross her out! cause she will also be thinking about VIAGRA!

    lol...lol

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  21. brian:
    Pickled onions?? I am so glad we have more of a varity of delicious breakfast foods here.

    jean knee:
    YES!

    EWBL:
    Yup I've noticed that you know what my theory is?
    They go on their blogs notice they've got nothing new and they click on humor blogs to be entertained by other hard working bloggers!


    NANCY AND ESMERALDA:
    You guys now how much I like wrinkly men with the texture of beef jerky! (no pun intended)
    mmmm beef jerky with bacon grease!

    ReplyDelete

Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.