Saturday, December 29, 2007

Things I learned while on my deathbed part DEUX.

Isn’t it amazing how I can milk a 24-ish hour stomach flu?
Anyway… as much as I love my hub-bub, I’ve come to the conclusion that when I’m sick, I’d rather sleep alone. Not only for my sake but for his too, you know it’s not like me to be selfish!
The night of my near death experience, I kept tossing and turning unable to find a comfortable position and bumping into pointy knees and elbows didn’t help the situation one little bit.
Then, each time I got up to endure the most horrible pain imaginable, (nay-sayers shush! I don’t want to hear about your root canals! Maybe you shouldn’t eat so much crap and brush your teeth more often!) Andy would ask me if I was okay.
While I appreciate the concern now, at that moment in time, I wanted to inform him I just broke 3 ribs and suffered a concussion but otherwise every thing was peaches and cream.
All I wanted to do, and did once he left for work the next morning, was alternately lie in the fetal position and the starfish position bemoaning my fate.
I mean… what? You don’t know what the starfish position is? That’s when you lie in the middle of the bed with your arms and legs outstretched touching each corner of the mattress (since I’m short, I can either touch the top 2 corners or bottom 2 corners, never both at the same time… no, I can't really but I pretend I can). It’s the same position of making a snow angel, got it? Good!
Anywho… Love Ya Babe but maybe we should think about buying a sofa-sleeper, price is no object since I’d like you to be super comfy.

Andy's suggestion for feeling better.
"I think you should eat a big piece of steak. Something that will take a while to digest not something soupy that's easier to come back up."
---Right because I want to choke on a big piece of steak as it makes it's way back up my esophagus! Good going Dr. Andy!

Meanwhile (the next day) back at the office,
I was treated like a pariah!
It had its benefits since people didn’t want to be in the same room as me in case my bubonic plague infected them too.
I coughed allot, on purpose since it’s not one of my symptoms.
The only bad thing about that was that each fake cough caused excruciating- debilitating-grinding-your-teeth rib pain.
The things one must endure to rattle the bat cages.

Conversation with attorney labeled:
“Not your dog”

Attorney: [angry. surprised?]
It’s about time I get a return call! I left you 5 messages since Wednesday.

Bee: [polite. surprised?]
I apologize, I was out of the office until today. Regarding- [cut off]

Is there nobody else that handles these issues when you’re not there? Sometimes we need an answer right away!

Bee: [still polite, slowly losing IT!]
You’ve left the messages on my voicemail, not the company voicemail. No one checks my voice mail except me. Regarding- [cut off]

You should develop a system! Have your messages forwarded somewhere so you know to call them back right away!

Bee: [LOST IT!]
Oh, okay. Be at people’s beck and call you mean? Sure no problem I’ll bill my time the same way you do!
Now, did you or did you not want info on this account? How about you call me back when you're ready to talk business instead of WASTING MY TIME TELLING ME HOW MUCH TIME YOU'VE WATSED WAITING FOR MY CALL!

[I hang up, risky move you say? but there's a payoff. 30 seconds later my phone rings.]

Attorney: [nice]
Can you please tell me what the open balance on this account is?

Bee: [nicer]
I'd be happy to.



  1. Ha! First!

    You can tell Andy's a practical person - it would never occur to me to eat something that couldn't come back up. You could try eating something that will grow in your stomach, such as a sponge. or seeds.

    Or take laxitives, get it through your system before you have a chance to throw it up...

  2. or just don't eat.

    will those self important attorneys never learn that they will get more out of being polite?? glad you are there to keep em in line. Our next door neighbor is an attorney and will not return a wave. Imean really, we live next door to each other and he can't wave back? I assume he's afraid we may want to strike up a friendship--no fear anal rod lawyer, we don't.

  3. Maybe there is a charge from the attorney for waving. Sign a contract first, then that way he can wave, maybe say hello, or carry on a short conversation and then bill you later...

  4. Oh Dear Bee, I love how you want Andy to be comfortable on the couch. I guess great minds truly do think alike because I thought that right before I read that sentence.
    I don't do the fake cough thing but I do do the sniffles. They are almost as effective as the fake coughs. And less painful. Something to think about.

  5. Esmerelda:

    My lawyer charged me £15 ($30) + VAT (another 17.5%) for sending me an email explaining why because of their mistake she'd not done something I wanted. I really couldn't be bothered to argue, as it was such a small proportion of the total bill she sent me for doing bugger all.

  6. In case my lawyer somehow reads this and decides to sue me I should correct my comment - she didn't do bugger all, she sent me an "explanation" of a legal document that was longer and more difficult to understand than the original.

    But she's always polite...

  7. I'm so glad you're alive, Bee. You're like a little treasure. We should be paying YOU to blog!

    I thought of you yesterday. I went to Hobby Lobby to buy the awesome shoe ornament at 50% for you and it was gone. GONE, I tell you. Who dares come between my Bee and her ornament I ask you????

  8. Shouthern Transplant MDecember 29, 2007 at 10:13 PM

    Some attorney should do a "calling Bee" PSA, where it details how to remember your manners and all the possible legal scenarios that accompany rudeness. It can go into details of the effects of their attitudes to the "lower" people. I should sell the idea... and if I pretend like I have a law degree I could charge a fortune!!

  9. Bee, I must confess something to you. I hate that Colbie Caillat song, Bubbly with all my heart and much so that I actually chose to listen to Huey Lewis' song, Heart And Soul' over her drivel-y La La La nonsense.

    It was okay at first but crap, they play it on every single station 24 hours a day. There is no escape, Bee. Nowhere to run to, nowhere to hide from Colbie Caillat and her guitar of misery.

  10. I saw you sucking on chili dogs outside the Tastee Freeze. Oh yes I did!!

  11. Ha! In my head I was all, "What's the starfish position?" and then I read the next line. I should just learn to let things come to me without being all hyper. Hope you're feeling better!

  12. I find it offensive that you are over dramatizing your stomach flu when there are real people in the world suffering from terminal illnesses. You've had discomfort for a couple of days. So what? How about you get a life!

  13. Our anonymous friend is suffering from a terminal illness too, it seems.

    Chronic Ashole Syndrome

    Thankfully there is a cure. Just go to your local proctologist where they are expertly trained in matters of stick removal.

  14. I think anonymous accidentaly found humor blogs while looking for WEBMD to try and remove said stick by his of her self.

    Come on now this is a humor blog right!?!?!?!?!

  15. BEE!!!!

    I just went to Word Imperfect to comment on the word Cordovan. :) You should invent something too.

  16. Humour? This is a deadly* serious forum for discussing the deep issues affecting us all...

    Titter Ye Not!

    *deadly = "it'll kill you"

  17. Bee Where Are You???? I hope you are feeling beter!!!

  18. Brian:
    Yup, Andy is as practical as walking around in opened toe shoes in 6 inches of snow! ;op

    jean knee:
    It's rare that i get the same attorney but the first time I speak to the sets a precedent (nice legal verbiage) for them treating me better the next time we speak.

  19. Tracy:
    We know how to deal with our men! ;o)

    Should you be taunting your attorney? They can make things difficult for you and easier on your Ex.

  20. Gassy E:
    Those bastards!! They took my shoe ornament?? We'll find out who it was and take their first born!! Naw, maybe if they have a puppy we can take the puppy. Or their stove.

    It would save them so much time! But I do have fun torturing them. Just a little bit.

    ::blushing:: I love the Bubbly song. Because...
    It starts in my toes
    And I crinkle my nose
    Where ever it goes
    I always know
    That you make me smile
    Please stay for a while now
    Just take your time
    Where ever you go

  21. EWBL:
    Lies!! All lies!! I've never done anything to anyone outside of the Tastee Freeze Dumpsters!!

    jean knee:
    Hopefully tomorrow? \:o{

    Yeah, I know where your mind was! ;o)

  22. AnonymousE:
    ::crying:: I just cut my toenail too short and am now bleeding to DEATH... I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!!

    No, no. Everything I say is for serial.

    Deadly is right! ;o)

    Here I am!!! :o) I'm better but sad because I have to work tomorrow...

  23. I could tolerate the total perkiness of Bubbly but all the stations have gone for mass saturation overkill wanna-stab-my-eardrums-with-a-crusty-cafeteria-spork mode.

    I was flipping stations the other day and it was playing on THREE at once. I thought I was starring in a musical version of Groundhog's Day. I was like, "There it is again. And Again. And yet again..."

  24. Too true, they do overplay it. I've been listening to my Christmas station so I haven't been subjected to it in a while.

    BUT HUEY???? I thought we had a pact?

    (Anonymous, that does not mean I sacrifice cheerios.)

  25. I'm sorry you almost died Bee. I'm glad you are still alive and able to blog, tell snooty lawyers off and be sweet to Andy. Ah Andy.

    Anon is sour grapes becuase she (that ain't no he) doesn't get hundred of comments on her blog. Lewzer!


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.