Monday, December 10, 2007

Meet Archibald The Ugly + Naughty List.



To all the tree huggers:
This post is gonna bad mouth my tree and is not meant to bad mouth all the other trees out there, okay?

So...
We bought a tree on Saturday. We decided to cheap-it-out this year cuz we weren't hosting Christmas. Instead of buying our usual 7 footer from Bob Evans from Wisconsin, who sets up his trees and lives in a trailer on the Roadhouse Bar and Grill parking lot and paying $65, we went to Menard's where you can't actually see what the tree looks like cuz it's wrapped up in a net.

We thought "so what, we're paying $20 so who cares!" Well, you get what you pay for and we wound up with a 5.5 foot baldy. Which is why I named him Archibald the Ugly. No matter what I did, this thing was just plain BUGLY! (butt ugly)

To make matters worse I made a huge mistake when putting the lights on,(normally my sister does this for me but since she's pregos I thought I wouldn't bother her this year) I ended up plugging all the prongs to each other, so when it came time to plug them into the outlet I didn't have the right end at the bottom... DOH!! I patiently redid them. (and by patiently I mean I didn't rip the lights off the branches like I wanted)

Before I put on the lights (the first time) I checked them to make sure they all worked and they did. Once I put them on the second time and plugged them in half the flippin lights weren't working! My self confidence has gone from 100 to 15! Obviously the complexity of tree lighting is far beyond my grasp... I'm sure I'm good at something... right?


::SIGH!::

I removed the 6 series of lights AGAIN and can you guess what happens when you've been moving the tree, putting lights on, taking lights off, then putting them on again???

It loses tons of needles. So Archibald became even bald-er.

This message is to the Light Making Industry, why is it that we can send robots to Mars but we can't invent a string of lights that work even if one little freakin' bulb is out???
Please... I'd really like to know!
.
Anyway, the branches were weak and weird so I had to make the decision to not use my best ornaments for fear they would wind up in little pieces on the floor.

This is were I gave up! It was like trying to put lipstick on a pig! I couldn't do it anymore so Andy came home and did the rest. First time for him since I'm always the one decorating the tree.

Little Shoogie Boogie came to help too and they both did a great job. This is the finished product.

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Naughty List:

Natalia is only 4 but her vocabulary skills are excellent! Not to mention her ability to explain the logic she sees in situations.
She asked me if I had made my list for Santa yet since Christmas was so close and she wanted to know what I'd asked for.
I, in my infinite ignorance(!), told her I never bothered with a list because I'm always on the Naughty list... little did I know about the lectures I would receive from someone who can't look over any counters!

First she asked me why I thought I was on the naughty list. Thinking I'd give her a short answer and she'd move on, I told her it was because I was mean to everybody.

Natalia:
I don't believe you're mean. You tell me stories and sing me songs and give me hugs and kisses. You're nice to me.

Tia Bee:
Well, yeah but just to you. Because I love you.

Natalia:
Well that's going to make my mommy really sad.

Tia Bee:
Why???

Natalia:
Because mommy loves you. You should be nice to her too.

Tia Bee:
Okay, I'll be nice to you and your mommy.

Natalia:
You know, maybe you should be nice to grandma too, and Tio Andy...

Tia Bee:
That's too many people! How am I going to stay on the naughty list if I start being nice to everybody.

Natalia:
Don't you want to get presents?? I think it's too late for this year but you should start being nice for next year.

Tia Bee:
I'll try but I'm not making any promises!

Natalia: [she was in the middle of eating an ice cream bar, she set it down on it's wrapper and grabbed my face]
I believe you can do it Tia Bee! [little earnest face]

::sigh::

Now I'm going to have to behave myself!!
I hope she uses her persuasive tactics for good when she grows up. If not we're all doomed! ;o)
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P.S.
Andy bought me tweezers so that lip hair is now GONE! And please click on Humor-Blogs so that my rating can go from bad to not so bad.
Pretty pleeease!

23 comments:

  1. Tree:

    What's wrong with it? It's green, it's the right shape. Just because it's short... You're not getting heightist now, are you?

    A Year of Being Nice:

    You could try taking a vow of silence ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I like the tree. This year we threw the tree together without fluffing the branches (we have fake cuz I'm allergic) I had to stick extra branches around the top because it was a baldy - but the ends stick out and it looks bad.

    And the light thing happened to me too but I left them on and ran an unsightly extension cord fom top of tree to floor.

    it is the ugliest tree known to man. I used to be a tree nazi(Drew gave me that nickname, sweet ain't he?) and the tree was fluffed, well lit, and full of strategically placed handmade ornaments---yeah that's over

    Natalia looks so sweet by the tree

    ReplyDelete
  3. you'll never make the nice list like me

    ReplyDelete
  4. brian:
    It's bald.

    Vow of silence:
    Well that wouldn't stop my fingers from typing insults... nice try!

    jean knee:
    You win! ;op

    My sister is the tree Nazi, especially when it comes to the lights.

    Natalia walked in and said "Your tree is beautiful!!" which sent Andy and I into laughing spasms cuz we'd been complaining about it for an hour.

    Naughty List:
    Yup! I already speared 2 peeps this morning.

    ReplyDelete
  5. oh, at first I thought it saud spared two peeps...who was it?? I wanna do it too

    ReplyDelete
  6. Glynda and Milton, they tried throwing me under the bus on Friday at my meeting with OZ. Luckily I have tiger-like reflexes and was able to dance out of the way...
    HAMMERTIME! duhn duhraduh duh duh duh. Can't touch this!

    ReplyDelete
  7. under a bus? those fiends!...what if your shoes got scuffed?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Luckily, I'm wearing my winter boots. My precioussss are in their cozy little boxes until spring.

    ReplyDelete
  9. i dont have kids--THAT I KNOW OF--but even i know not to tell them youre on the naughty list! when nancy finds out shes probably gonna kick your ass!
    we as POLISH people have a nice fake white tree its now looking kinda grey cus weve had it for about 20 or so years.

    ReplyDelete
  10. we had to take it out and hose it down one year the dog thought it would be a nice trick to pee on it! ‡o) GOOD TIMES!

    ReplyDelete
  11. BD:
    Nancy knows and laughed...
    And GRUHOSS! by the way.

    ReplyDelete
  12. we used to hose our tree to get the dust off but now I use the leaf blower on it: dust free

    ReplyDelete
  13. asswipe lettuce loverDecember 10, 2007 at 2:32 PM

    did you kill a tree for the sole purpose of hanging your asswipe little ornaments on it???

    now that's cold

    ReplyDelete
  14. a couple of riddles for you plus one I won't give you an answer for

    What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?



    A sand-witch.



    What is so fragile that when you say its name you break it?




    Silence



    not giving you the answer to this one

    In the basement there are 3 light switches in the off position. Each switch controls 1 of 3 light bulbs on the floor above. You may move any of the switches, but you may only go up stairs one time. How can you determine which switch controls each light?

    ReplyDelete
  15. asswipe lettuce lover:
    Unfortunately, its crappy little branches don't hold up my ornaments very well so it might mean Archibald The Ugly will be keeping us warm in the near future by becoming firewood. There's nothing better than the smell of burning pine.
    Maybe burning asswipe lettuce...

    ReplyDelete
  16. I'll pick out your tree next year.
    dan

    ReplyDelete
  17. Dan:
    What? You don't approve of Archibald the Ugly?? \:o[

    :o)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Wouldn't you figure out which switch controlled each light by turning them on one at a time?

    ReplyDelete
  19. Andy:

    You can only go up the stairs once. I imagine that what you can do is turn on any two switches. Then go upstairs. There will be 2 lights on. Take one of the lit bulbs out. Then go downstairs again and find out which switch plunges the house into darkness.

    ReplyDelete
  20. This has to be QUICK! My Internet keeps fading in and out.

    CLICK

    ReplyDelete
  21. As for the tree, how tall is that frippin thing? It looks like you may have bought a "dwarf tree".
    The only advice I can give you, as I happen to be very skilled in this area, is to do either one of these:

    1. Try to love and embrace your charlie brown/A christmas story tree.
    2. When that fails, do as I did, and get a new/better one.

    ReplyDelete
  22. you can't waste a tree that was killed for your senseless Christmas joy

    shameful!

    ReplyDelete

Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.