Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Rockin' Older Lady + You Hear It Here First-New Diet Trend

So...
On Friday I went into the woman's bathroom and had to wipe the toilet seat AGAIN then layer it with TP. I was washing my hands when an older lady walked in, I told her to be careful and line the seat since it had been filthy. Her response was PRICELESS!!

Older Lady I Wish I Could Replace One Of The Bats With:
"Honey, I'm 85 years old and I no longer care what my ass touches!"

After I laughed for about 20 minutes she followed it with:
"Nobody's been interested in my ass since 1985!"

Tears were rolling down my face.
Oh so cute... My wish is to be just like her when I grow up!
********************************************************

Laughing My Way To The Bank!

I'm starting a new diet trend and I'm hoping to make millions of dollars.

Step right up and let me tell you all about it!

I read on Reader's Digest that laughing for 10-15 minutes you can burn about 10 to 40 calories a day which equals a 4lb weight loss over a year.

Now, hold on while I take out my calculator.

Okay... if you laugh for an hour it's about 16lbs, you with me?
If you laugh for 2 hours it's 32lbs.
If you laugh for 4 hours it's 64lbs! (I checked my math and I think that looks right.)(But I'm no genius so if I'm off then I'm off.)(Yes, I know I'm being overly optimistic but that's the way I gotta be to sell my diet!)


Anyway, here's my plan.
I'm gonna open a place were you can go and laugh for an hour.
No, not a comedy club just a room somewhere where you're forced to laugh for an hour (maybe with some laughing gas... maybe, we'll see how much the liability insurance is) then I'm going to sell special iTune files where you laugh an hour in the morning an hour at work and an hour at night!

I'll be rich, skinny and hot cuz I'll buy me some liposuction and plastic surgery while the chumps are laughing like insane hyenas.


Because you are my friends, for a limited time, this is a one time offer... you can be the first to join and be the envy of your friends!
BUT WAIT!!!!
If you enroll now, you'll also get a special autographed picture of me walking with your money to the bank... and smiling.
.
P.S.
I know the risk of addiction.
I figure I can open a rehab place for people that become addicted to laughing and become skeletal. Their treatment will be top secret.

20 comments:

  1. "Laugh? I nearly..."

    I hope you take all sensible safety precautions - laughing is dangerous. I read once about an artist who laughed so much at his own painting of an "old hag" that he burst a blood vessel and died.

    Did you ever see that Monty Python sketch about the world's funniest joke, used as a secret weapon against the Germans during the War?

    Perhaps you should avoid full-blown laughter and have a "chuckle diet" instead.

    ReplyDelete
  2. oooo, oooo ooo

    can I be the one who takes care of the skinny ones????? pleeeeease

    ReplyDelete
  3. asswipe lettuce loverDecember 11, 2007 at 8:29 AM

    Just do like me and eat only asswipe lettuce, I dropped 24 pounds last year.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I can just see the rehab for your addicts. It would be days filled with sad country songs, moonpies, and reality televsion. What a sad place. No laughing allowed.
    What a great idea for the diet. I'm in..where do I send the check?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hey, one more thing, what exactly is "asswipe lettuce"?

    Oh and I'm with Jean Knee, if you need employees for the rehab facility, I'm in. We could walk around with tanks of laughing gas on our backs so that we don't gain our weight back while we're rehabbing the addicts.
    Man, my husband will be so happy. I'll be skinny AND employed.

    ReplyDelete
  6. i wonder if you bumped into my grandma shes cool like that. i was going to leave you with another riddle but after all the abuse you gave me yesterday i think ill just let you stew before i gave you the answer. apples you likey??

    ReplyDelete
  7. BD:

    In the basement there are 3 light switches in the off position. Each switch controls 1 of 3 light bulbs on the floor above. You may move any of the switches, but you may only go up stairs one time. How can you determine which switch controls each light?

    Turn on one switch for a long period of time then turn it off and turn on the second switch. Run upstairs right away whichever bulb is hotter is controlled by the first switch, you can see which bulb is controlled by the second and the third switch will be whichever one is off.
    IN YOUR FACE!!! :op

    ReplyDelete
  8. OH BEE! You're right but now...

    Doctor says to lawyer We were born on the same year, month, day, and minute. We were born in the same hospital, hospital room and we have the same 2 parents. We are not twins and we have no brothers. Explain this.
    ...........................

    With the numbers 123456789, make them add up to 100. They must stay in the same order. You can use addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division. Remember, they have to stay in the same order !!!
    ............................

    Suppose you want to cook an egg for exactly 3 minutes. You have only a 5 minute hourglass timer and a 2 minute hourglass timer. Using these 2 timers, how can you boil the egg for exactly 3 minutes?

    ‡o) ‡o) ‡o)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!!!!

    The egg one:
    Flip both timers when the 2 minute one runs out put the egg in until the second timer runs out.

    That one was easy but the others ones I’ll have to work on.

    You should know better than to give me a math problem!
    JUHRK!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Doctor, Lawyer:
    Triplets-Sister
    Here is my question, where they put up for adoption??

    ReplyDelete
  11. At first I was all En Vogue:

    ♪♫"Ne-ver gonna get it, never gon-na get-it, never get it! uoh-oh-oh!"♪♫

    BUT THEN!!!

    1+2+3+4+5+6+7+(8X9) = 100

    I'm glad you're making these old brain cells exercise! Maybe I should get back to work...

    ReplyDelete
  12. You know, my entire life I've struggled with how thin I am. It doesn't matter what or how much I eat or how lazy I am, I cannot gain weight. Even after having two kids. Now I know why!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hmmm. Born in the same minute? Can siblings in a multiple birth be born that close together?

    I don't know the answer, I'm just wondering...

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'd lose weight instantly because I pee myself when laughing too hard. Incontinence: Just one of the fringe benefits that motherhood brings.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm through with those humor blog mind games, Bee!!! Let them glorify mommy bloggers. See if I care!!! I mean I have six cute kids that I could whore up for attention too but I don't.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I get along with the crochety old ladies at church better than the young snippy ones.

    I will never join the Red Hat Society. Never! Maybe I'll start a Black Skull Cap Association and we can all sit around all wrinkly and old and talk about how bad azz we are.

    ReplyDelete
  17. brian:
    I've never seen any Monty Python anything cuz I can't understand what they're saying. I did watch Benny Hill though... ;op

    jean knee:
    You will be my second in command. Or my number two if you will.

    asswipe:
    asswipe lettuce sounds... fragrant.

    tracy:
    Who sent you my plan for the underweight people?? I demand an answer!

    Marie:
    Poor poor you.
    Would you like me to go over there and kick you on a daily basis? ;op

    ReplyDelete
  18. Bee. I went and read that seven seed lady again and I just don't get it. I know humor is sunjective and everything but her stuff isn't funny. It isn't clever. It isn't witty. It's just a mom dealing with a crapload of kids without going batsheet crazy.

    Am I missing something? How is she ranked so high? Who is voting for her?

    ReplyDelete
  19. EWBL:
    "Black Skull Cap Association"
    I'M THERE!!!

    You can name your blog Infidel and the Six Seedlings. Hmmm? Good?

    ReplyDelete

Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.