Thursday, December 20, 2007

Holidays, you've pushed me over the edge...

It has been Hell here at the Asylum. Why, you ask? Oh, you didn't ask...?
The following are 2 simple suggestions to drive a coworker batty-er.
As I’ve told you all, Milton is… obsessive compulsive about EVERYTHING. Waste is one of the things that irks her more than words can describe.
She’ll take home hard stale coffee cake, moldy cheese, slimy turkey/ham (hungry yet?) etc.
She’ll use her pencil to the last sliver of lead.
One time Glynda was going to throw out some diet coke that had been sitting in a 2 liter container for months, she took it home to drink with her dinner. Then admitted she didn’t even like diet coke.
Anyway, to amuse myself, I did the following things to see what reactions I would get.

How to drive a tight wad insane:
I had a penny that had seen better days so I said out loud
“Gross! I’m throwing this penny away cuz it’s icky!” I swiveled around to throw it out in the waste basket behind my desk.
It took Milton half a second to get out of her chair and kneeling by my garbage can!!
She shouted (literally SHOUTED!) “WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DON’T THROW IT OUT!” and proceeded to dig thru my garbage can to find the elusive penny.
Elusive why?
Because I threw a paperclip in the garbage and not the penny.
What am I stupid?
A penny is a penny and if you have 100 that makes a dollar, if you have 1,000 that makes… hold on a second 1 x 1,000 = 1,000 carry the decimal point… $10.00?? TEN DOLLARS for a minute there I almost got carried away and moved the decimal point to the right! ::phew!:: Uh, yeah... what was I saying?? --
She went thru every little piece of folded paper to find that penny, mumbling the whole time. I had to ask her to move twice because she was in my way. She finally had to give up and take her sad dejected body back to her desk… poor Milton.
Did she ever dream her life would end up at the bottom of my garbage can? Probably not but that’s what she gets for not ordering me my coke last Thursday.
Put a makeshift parameter around your desk with this sign:

Unfortunately, I used the weird holey thingys from our printer until I can come up with something more sturdy.
I kept calling Milton and asking her questions knowing she was dying to stand an inch away from my shoulder but was unable to because of my perforated paper fence.
She would take a step forward then slowly back away. I will call it the “OCD Shuffle” Step forward, hemhaw, do a little shake, back away-back away.
We, as a human race, learn to adapt to situations/surroundings. She finally figured out a specific spot where she could stand and point her long ET finger at the papers in front of me. She is the smarter of the bats, I’m so proud of her!
**Remember! Once you start feeling sorry for them, it stops being funny!**
It's the most wonderful time of the year!
Ladies and gents, let's not forget this is the season to love and forgive your fellow man, woman and other.
Those that have aggrieved you will be enjoying the Holiday celebration while you’re fermenting your anger.
This is my Orpa moment:
I suggest you go to them. Ask for a moment of their time. Get close enough for a hug. Yeah, that’s it! Get closer and…

If they fall while you’re beating them, don’t be afraid to use your feet.

That is the only way you can spread the pain of the season and in return make yourself feel joy! Love, Bee.

<--This is for Andy
Nobody takes Chuck Norris' cookies!


  1. I want to work with you. Can you speak to H.R. about making that happen? Because I was sold on that whole 'it's not longer funny when you feel sorry for them' bit. It's a mantra for me now!

  2. Okay, I figured out something weird about our Internet. Papi says it'll pick up the closest signal or something and our ISP and location is always changing. That means the more clicks I give through the day the more I up the potential that it registers as a unique ISP thus giving you credit.

    I'm writing an anti-Huey piece right now to combat Diesel because he called a huey war. Its not going very well. How can you write something about a topic that you couldn't give two sh**s about and haven't really thought about in years?

  3. I'm off to work.:( Read you when I get back.

    Stay strong. Fight the Huey!

  4. The penny would be worth more if you melted it down. Though it's a Federal "Offense" or something.

    I hope Milton rescued the paperclip. You can't go throwing those things away, you know, that's a flagrant waste of office resources.

    Is there a fish tank in the office? You could try dropping a coin in and seeing whether she can retrieve it.

    Then you put one under the tank, which will look like it's in the water. Hours of fun...

  5. I can't help it, Bee. I sorta pity the bats.

    sorry sorry sorry

  6. jean knee, it's a free(ish) country and you can pity anybody you like. It won't stop them from being obnoxious or me... :o)

  7. Bee, maybe you should let people know of all the mean things they've done to you. Like when they complained about the cake you brought in for your birthday. When they said your perfume was over powering. How they're always bitching about the chair Oz bought for you. How they blame you when something is misfiled. They should know how much the bats enjoy talking about you behind your back and how many times you've overheard them. How they love ganging up on you because they can't take you alone. How they pretend not to know how to do something just so you can get in trouble when something goes wrong.

    You have an awesome defense mechanism and more power to you for staying somewhat sane.

    Smack them and kick 'em when they're down!

    Feliz Navidad!
    Big Dad

  8. BD:
    Holy vanilla crackers Batman! I think everybody knows what the bats put me through but ((thanks))!

  9. I'm laughing out loud at "THE OCD SHUFFLE."

    Okay, I didn't actually laugh, I snorted...loudly.

  10. Are you going to go and defend my honor at Diesel's place, BEE?

    Jean Knee did. Maybe she loves me more.

  11. Just keepin' it real! Know what I'm sayin'?
    Hang in there Bee, it's only a few more days. ‡o)

  12. EWBL:
    I went, I guffawed and I foamed at the mouth! (As opposed to where else I’m not sure.)

  13. BD:
    ::sigh:: Now I'm gonna have to get you a present! ;o)

  14. well, I for one have changed my mind about those lilly livered asswiping degenerates. they deserve what they get and more.

    they better leave my Bee alone

  15. We have a believe-ah!
    Can I get an Amen?
    Amen!!! :o)

  16. amen

    only one more day, you can do it

  17. Oh noeeesss! I can't find your e-mail. I'm sure I had it saved. Maybe that was the Huey Lewis-lovin side of me that I try to keep repressed and from seeing the light of day. Maybe that part of me saved your e-mail.

  18. okay here's the plan.

    When you go to work say you aren't feeling very well. Each time someone approaches put your hand over your mouth make a somewhat gagging sound and run in the restroom. While in restroom, relax, manicure your nails, catch up on some reading etc.

    Oz may even send you home early

  19. FADKOG:
    Come on over! I'll pull some strings!

    I love the fish tank idea, I bought one for the office but a certain 4 year old saw it and wanted it!

    jean knee:
    It would be nice if I could actually throw up... wait maybe I can! :o)

  20. Chuck Norris does'nt eat cookies, Chuck Norris kills cookies.


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.