Thursday, October 11, 2007

Saddle Up!

Return of the Butt Cake:

The. Physical. Therapy. Place. Brought. The. Leftover. Cake.
A. Full. Cheek.



ENOUGH SAID!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A MECHANIC'S SHOES

What type of shoes do you wear to remove a muffler (or "silencer" in weird other languages) from a car?
Why these of course!
Duhhhh!

My sister called me at work to tell me my mom's car broke down and since I'm the closest, I went to the rescue.

Once I got there I diagnosed the problem as a fallen but still attached muffler.
(I said "fallen but"... [::snicker::])

I gave my mom instructions to switch the car seat from her car to mine (little Shoogie Boogie was with her) and drive around the corner off the very busy street we were on.
My plan was to slowly drive the car to the next side street since her muffler was dragging.
This didn't work because it kept moving to the side and getting stuck under the back tires.

So…
I got out of the car sat my butt on the curb and yanked the muffler out with my bare hands! In 3 inch heels!
Yeah!
I am pretty bad ass!
I keep telling you but you don't believe me!
I put the muffler in the back seat got in the car and told my mom to follow me.

As I'm driving back to my house, the car in all its noisy glory, a no good son-of-a-bushwhacker tries to cut me off!

I wasn't gonna let that happen since I was still smarting from when a nun cut me off on 9/28/07 at approximately 8:10-ish and I couldn't do anything about it for fear of a heavenly vendetta!

I showed that Bahstahrd what my mom's little Nissan was made of and he ate my dust. Adrenaline everywhere

WHAT?

I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

MY EARS ARE STILL RINGING FROM THE NOISE THE CAR WAS MAKING!

OH! You want to hear about my 2 year anniversary scheme. I did go back to work after saving the day...

2 YEARS IN "HEAVEN"

1) Answering questions with questions.
It went okay but it wasn’t too much fun.
Q
“Do you know who locked the back door?
A
“Was it you?”
Q
“Is Glynda in the bathroom?”
A
“Do I look like the bathroom supervisor?” (I am but they don’t have to know that)
Q
“Who put that box of paper there?”
A
“Wasn’t that box there all along?”

See it wasn’t too fun.

2) Locking the Back Door.
Do you know who kept getting blamed for locking the door?
OZ!
Yeah, they (the bats) were standing by the time clock whispering about how he's doing that on purpose because he doesn't want them to smoke on the clock. They're threatening to punch out for 15 minutes everyday just to smoke. Score!

3) Not responding to my name.
Yup! They kept getting in my face.
I don't think I like this one and will scratch it off my list. The only one being tortured was me.
That’s it… these people are beginning to bore me.
Maybe I should start looking for another job?

4) Window Watching
To Scarecrow I said the wind was dragging a huge branch across the parking lot. But when she came over it mysteriously disappeared…?

To Milton I said there was a suspicious looking guy that was pulling on car door handles. She asked if we should call the cops, I said I didn't see him now but maybe if she were to go out there and make sure she's seen… she asked me to come with her so I did.
We scared that imaginary thief away, I'm sure of it!

To Purple Dino-SOUR I said "I can't believe it's raining!" as simple as that, she rushed over to the window.
Oops! No rain!
This was my favorite. If only I could have captured the look on her face… ::sighing dreamily::

Cowardly Lion and Glynda were unable to participate in my study of the gullible and Toto... well, she falls for everything so there's no challenge.

5) Lunch
Unfortunately they brought normal stuff and the only fun I had with that was when someone told me they brought a ham sandwich and I said "A ham sandwich?! You brought Porky for lunch!? Did you know they discovered that pigs have the intelligence of dogs? It's like if you're eating Lassie!”

6) Mistaken Identity
I kept forgetting to answer the phone wrong so that was a dud.

7)
Air Instruments:
This didn't work as well as I would have liked since I guess they've become immune to my uh… eccentricities?
I did air guitar and piano, I have to admit to feeling silly...
They just walked by and smiled! [grrrr!]

Singing Out Loud:
They laughed but never told me to shut up. Probably because, as I've said, I have the voice of an angel...
I sang such classics as,

Black Horse And The Cherry Tree – K.T. Tunstall
(Woowhoo whoowhoo! BIG BLACK HORSE AND THE CHERRY TREE!)

Big Girls Don't Cry – Fergie
(Ladadadahhh, The smell on your pillow lingers...)

Vogue –Madonna (Which no-one can do without well... voguing!)
(Greta Garbo and Monroe Dietrich and DiMaggio Marlon Brando, Jimmy Dean On the cover of a magazine)

One Thing – Finger Eleven (I sang this in Chandler fashion accenting certain words)
(If I traded it ALL, If I gave it AWAY, for one THING, Just for one THING, If I sorted it OOOUT, If I knew all ABOOOUT, this one THING! Wouldn't that be SOMETHING!)

And the Pièce de résistance :

Unbelievable – EMF
I sang the whole song loud and proud!!!
The weird part was how well it described the office situation.

You burden me with your questions
You'd have me tell no lies
You're always asking what it's all about
But don't listen to my replies
You say to me I don't talk enough
But when I do I'm a fool
These times I've spent, I've realized
I'm going to shoot through And leave you
The things, you say
Your purple prose just gives you away
The things, you say
You're unbelievable
-
All in all I had fun!
Although I think I made everybody believe I loved working here... Hmmm... :o(
Later dudes and I leave you with more of EMF below.
-
You burden me with your problems
By telling me more than mine
I'm always so concerned
With the way you say
You've always go to stop
To think of us being one
Is more than I ever know
But this time, I realize
I'm going to shoot through
And leave you
The things, you say
Your purple prose just gives you away
The things, you say
You're unbelievable

Below is not the video for the song but it's got better sound.


27 comments:

  1. that is all so freakin unbelievable!!

    Ha, I;m never first, brian always beats me

    my fav was the 'look it's raining one'

    ReplyDelete
  2. Mechanic's in Heels:

    I don't think that'll catch on, somehow...

    New Job:

    Obviously it needs to be an improvement (in terms of blog material), or you might as well stay where you are.

    You could try a mental institution (I mean a real one). The other possibility given that you're not getting any younger would be an old folk's home.

    Both places presumably could use someone with your talents (I don't just mean ageing and crazy, but those'll help).

    First Word Freak:

    You're welcome to it Jean Knee.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh Honey we need you to install some hidden cameras in this place!! It would be the BEST.

    A SHORT VERSION OF MY BATHROOM STORY:
    What would you do if a female co-worker bothered you everytime you exited the bathroom for locking the bathroom door??? Well, call her The Bathroom Nazi and do it on pupose, of course![she's German, so the title is funny that way]

    ReplyDelete
  4. To Brian O Vretanos:
    What does the "o" stand for? Jus' curious...or nosey. Whatever. Why don't you have a blog? (I'd be a BIG fan)

    Can you really picture our Bee working in a looney bin!? As a slightly less (more?)evil Nurse Ratchet, perhaps!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. uhhhm, brian, did you just call me a freak



    bee!!-brian's speaking in code again

    ReplyDelete
  6. jean knee:
    Rain:
    I really really wish I could have taken a picture!

    Shoes:
    My Favorite ones and they were picked by Natalia...
    If I would have known what I would be doing that day I would have worn a more sensible pair.

    ReplyDelete
  7. brian:
    Hmmm... you've talked me out of looking for a new job since the reality is I do work in an old folks home and a looney bin!
    2 for the price of one!

    And thanks for yet again pointing out my age. What would I do without you? I mean I might actually forget I have a milestone birthday looming in the horizon! ;op

    P.S.
    Did you call my jean knee a freak?
    Well if she's a freak then I'm a freak!

    Oh... sorry jean knee, I guess we are kinda freaky.

    ReplyDelete
  8. somegirl:
    I will start a "camera fund" where people can send me money so that I can outfit this joint with direct feeds to my blog.

    RE: Brian
    We've begged him to start a blog and I've offered to give him a section on mine but he never answers...

    ReplyDelete
  9. YOU HAVE TO TELL THEM ABOUT THE "FROMUNDA CHEESE" STORY! YOU HAVE TO BECAUSE IT WAS HIIIIILLARIOUS!!! DO IT!!!
    YOU SHOULDVE TOLD THEM I WAS STANDING OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THEY LOVE ME!
    BTW YOU SANG THE FERGIE SONG WRONG.
    ITS:
    Da Da Da Da
    The smell of your skin lingers on me now

    ReplyDelete
  10. Big Head:
    I like singing the word pillooowwww.
    The name of the Song is "Big Girls Don't Cry", because you know the song you must now give up your "Man Card".

    Cheese:
    Nu-uh can't do it.

    ReplyDelete
  11. ITS NOT MY FAULT MANY WOMEN DEDICATE THAT SONG TO ME BY SINGING IT IN MY EAR! IF ANYTHING I SHOULD BE GIVEN 2 MORE MAN CARDS!

    I hope you know, I hope you know
    That this has nothing to do with you
    It's personal, myself and I
    We've got some straightenin' out to do
    And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
    But I've got to get a move on with my life
    It's time to be a big girl now
    And big girls don't cry
    Don't cry
    Don't cry
    Don't cry

    ReplyDelete
  12. FROMUNDA CHEESE!!
    FROMUNDA CHEESE!!
    FROMUNDA CHEESE!!
    FROMUNDA CHEESE!!
    FROMUNDA CHEESE!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. No cheese! No cheese! No cheese!

    Women:
    Obviously they can see how mature you are... :op

    Don't you have to go to school??

    ReplyDelete
  14. big- you sound soo awesome, I love you. You are a real man, I can tell.
    so tell me bout that cheese.......

    ReplyDelete
  15. Freak:

    perhaps as in "capricious", or "wildly unusual" - perhaps ;-)

    "O":

    It's the Greek masculine singular nominative definite article. Well you asked...

    Blog:

    I'm curious as to what sort of thing I could post on a blog that would be so interesting. If anyone has any useable ideas, I might give it a go...

    ReplyDelete
  16. jean knee:
    Don't encourage Big Head he really is full of himself!
    He's only in his early 20s so he thinks he's the cat's meow! ;o)

    ReplyDelete
  17. brian:
    Freak:
    That describes us exactly!
    Right jean knee?

    Blog:
    Maybe you can talk about the delightful ladies you have met due to blogging?
    I know one that is sweet in nature and funny and has no ego and is as humble as they come...

    ReplyDelete
  18. Sweet and Funny:

    I haven't come across her yet...

    ReplyDelete
  19. brian:
    You need look no further her name is "jean knee" ;op

    ReplyDelete
  20. Where to begin?


    I didn't see any mention of sawing off table legs and peeing on supplies. Did you get chicken at the last minute? You're pretty good, but I'm still the winner!!!!

    That's one small click for bee, two giant clicks for me.
    [I know it's not fair but what can I do? I am but one person with one ISP address]

    ReplyDelete
  21. FROMUNDA CHEESE:
    I just e-mailed Bee and she said she wont put the story up but wouldnt stop me.

    Scarecrow is a know it all and we got tired of hearing how she knew everything about everything. Bee said Andy told her once about the guys joking about a fromunda cheese sandwich when she asked him what it was she thought itd be the perfect thing to trick Scarecrow with. She said to Scarecrow “Have you ever had Fromunda Cheese?” Scarecrow said “No but Ive heard of it.” Bee said “Yeah they sell it in really exclusive stores its pretty expensive!” In the meantime we are dying because we cant laugh! Scarecrow says “Ive seen it at my grocery store maybe i should get some next time”
    There is no such cheese! The sandwich the guys were saying theyd make was “from under my balls cheese”!
    To this day Scarecrow still thinks this cheese exists! BAHAHAHA! Sorry Bee that story is too funny not to share!


    jean knee:
    Howyou doin'?

    ReplyDelete
  22. EWBL:
    Yeah uh... I kinda think you do win! :o)


    big head:
    I hope you're happy! Now peeps know how gross I am!

    ReplyDelete
  23. that wasn't gross, bee, that was rockin

    ReplyDelete
  24. LMAO.


    OMG...I needed that laugh this morning :-D

    And I think mechanics in heels just might have potential.

    Seriously, What man wouldn't pay twice the normal price to watch a chic in jeans/heels or heels/skirt under a car??!!

    I think you just found a goldmine Bee ;)

    ReplyDelete
  25. I love the "Look, it's raining!" one. Sheer genius.

    ReplyDelete

Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.