Ah, you thought cakes were only dangerous because they make your butt bigger...

Have you missed the fact that I haven't posted about Milton? Would you like a little Milton today?

As I've said before, sometimes I wonder if we are secretly being filmed by some far off extraterrestrials that get their giggles from us, the lesser beings (well, you guys maybe lesser but me? I'm a woman and a half which makes for difficulty in buying clothes). To those extraterrestrials I say "SCREW YOU!" and I say it in a shrill, obnoxious voice right into their mics so I may annoy the shit out of them!

Yesterday, day of the lord Thursday, also known as Treat Day or Social Thursday here at the Asylum, I made the innocent mistake of saying the following to Milton: "Yum!! Glynda brought RedVelvet cake!"

I know! How stupid can I be?? Why would that be the first thing I say in the morning? What happened to just plain ole' "good morning" and then a mouthful of shutty??

You see this prompted Milton to debate my saneness.

Milton: "Who brought RedVelvet cake? I thought you said Glynda."

I did say Glynda because she brought the cake.

Milton: "Did you mean Scarecrow? Because it's her week to bring in treats and Glynda isn't on the rotation to bring treats so I think you meant Scarecrow."

No, I meant Glynda—

Milton: "Why would Glynda bring in treats? That just doesn't make sense! Are you sure it wasn't Scarecrow?" [and she stood up as if to emphasis what I dumbass I am for getting two completely different people mixed up]

Glynda brought the cake because—

Milton: "Scarecrow. You mean Scarecrow." [and she gave me that look that shows she is trying her hardest not to lose her patience]

Hey, how about you let me complete sentence? GLYNDA BROUGHT A CAKE FOR HER BIRTHDAY!

Milton: "Glynda's birthday? [she blinked about 20 times] Scarecrow brought a cake for GLYNDAY'S birthday?"

No. Glynda bought herself, Glynda, a birthday cake because tomorrow is her, Glynda's, birthday. No to Scarecrow. NO TO SCARECROW. NO TO SCARECROW!!!

Milton: "Is Scarecrow still bringing cheese and crackers??"

At the end of the fuckin day I was calling Scarecrow Glynda and vice-versa. Maybe I was wrong and don't really know everything? Maybe I'm really Milton?

Somebody?

Anybody?

Close encounter of the idiot kind.

-Day 84.




Mondays SUCK! If you don’t agree with me, I will go and shave “Bee rocks!” on your head. Are we in agreement? Good!

Anyway, Mondays usually find me hung-over (even though I don’t drink, I still wake up with a fuzzy tongue- I know you want to make THAT joke but if you value your life... nah. Go ahead, pull the trigger.) unwilling to get up, debating whether I NEED to take a shower (the answer is always "YES" by the way), bemoaning my lack of millions of dollars so that I can hire valets that will put all my body parts back together again.

I’m the female, new-age version of Humpty Dumpty. Only my name is Hairy Dumpy. Yeah, I LIKE IT! ***Observation. Word agreed with my spelling of “Humpty” but disagreed with the spelling of “Dumpty” and didn’t give me a spelling alternative, don’t these two go together??

So… where the hell was I? Oh yeah! Mondays.
These are the days my mood is, how shall I put it? At it's most dangerous or SEVERELY UNFRIENDLY. I’m snarly until at least 11:59 pm AT LEAST.

Most people know this and stay away. Some people think they’re from the cat family and keep testing their 9 lives theory. So far, 2 dead 1 confirmed catperson.

I walked into the office, turned on my computer, then went to the kitchen to make coffee.

Scarecrow walks in, obviously knowing I hadn’t had my coffee since I was in the process of making it, not a good sign. I'm even less pleasant, IF POSSIBLE, before my coffee.

Scarecrow: [hovering]
Have you seen Patient X’s chart?

Bee: [maintaining my patience]
Doesn’t sound familiar.

Scarecrow: [not very good at reading warning signs]
I think you had it last.

Bee: [in a half snarl]
HAD would probably be your first clue that I don’t have it NOW.

Scarecrow: [dense head]
I did look on your desk and didn’t find it…

Bee: [looking at her encouragingly]
Okay. Maybe you should try plan “B” and look somewhere else?

Scarecrow: [I've known doorknobs with more intelligence]
I could have sworn you had it.

Bee: [explaining to this middle aged child]
Work with me here, isn’t HAD the past tense of TO HAVE?

Scarecrow: [beginning to sweat]
I was just hoping you put it somewhere else.

Bee: [big eyes, clown face]
Like where? In my car? On a plane? On a train? In a box? With 3 locks?

Scarecrow: [huffy]
Fine. I’ll look somewhere else!

Bee: [singsong voice, arms outstretched, total ham]
In a field of clovers? With a dog named rover?

Scarecrow: [baring her teeth or um... gums]
Forget it.

Bee: [twirling]
In a junkyard? Crap! What rhymes with yard?-

OZ: [Wheezing FROM HIS OFFICE THAT'S NEXT TO THE KITCHEN]
LARD!

Bee: [a little startled that the boss is participating but taking it in stride]
In a junkyard? With a tub of lard?

Scarecrow walks out bumps into OZ as he's walking.

OZ: [shaking his head, wheeze laughing]
No, "In a junkyard? While burying lard?" Sounds better.

Bee: [blushing cuz I'm such a dumbass]
Who buries lard?

OZ: [still laughing]
You can’t dump that stuff down the drain! The lard would clog it!

Here's my question, isn't mine better? A tub of lard instead of burying lard?

I wonder if OZ was always a wise ass or if he got corrupted my lil' ole me.

Well, at least my day got get batter after that.

P.S.

Andy came by the office to pick something up, --looking super hawt in his scruffy electrical wear--, and he had this observation "The receptionist lady (AKA Cowardly Lion) doesn't seem to be too happy with you."

That's probably because I've restricted her peeing to when I deem it is appropriate. To dictate, is to love.

Peter picked a pile of pickled hos.

I was sitting at my desk, typing my own business, when Scarecrow came and told me she had a funny story that she knew I would appreciate because I, me, myself am such a great story teller. I cut her off and asked her to please tell me more about how great I am before I let her continue with her ““funny”” story.

Here is what she told me:

The other day I made pickles but I wanted to get them out of my house so I took some to both my mom and my mother-in-law and my minivan smelled like pickles all day even though I bought an air freshener!

[I waited for the punch line]

[I scratched my head and stuck my pinkie in my ear because it was itchy]

[I looked at the time and wondered how many lollipops I could stuff in my mouth without drooling]

[I finally had to ask…]

Is that it?

Scarecrow:
Yeah. Isn’t it funny?

Bee:
Tell ya' what I’m gonna do for you. I am going to overhaul your story so that when you tell it to people, you get a couple of chuckles.  (Yeah, I have that much of an ego.) Ready?

Scarecrow:
Okay.

Bee:
— I made some pickles this weekend only to realize I had more than my husband and children would ever eat, I don’t like pickles you see, so I decided to give some to my mom and mother-in-law. Despite the forecast for cool weather, the day was hot n’ humid and as a result they were particularly eh… pungent. Okay lets be honest they STUNK like a $4 dollar hooker with a hangover on a summer day!

[wait for snickers here]

I opened my windows and drove merrily singing to Dr. Dre's’ “Nuthin' But A 'G' Thang"—

Scarecrow:
What song is that?

Bee:
It doesn’t have to be that song but pick one that would be bizarre hearing you sing.

— Even though the smell was overpowering, I imagined the pleasure my moms would have when eating their pickles so I tried to breathe through my mouth. Besides, once I delivered them, the smell would leave my car, right? WRONG!

The scent clung to every fiber of my minivan with the tenacity of a koala bear on peyote.—

Scarecrow:
Koala Bear?

Bee:
It doesn’t have to make sense.

— I stopped at a nearby Walgreen’s and bought a piña colada air freshener in the hopes that the coconut would drive the smell away but the only thing it did was have me daydreaming of rum.

[wait for applause here]

Scarecrow:
I didn’t know you didn’t like pickles!

Bee:
::sigh:: I love pickles but I know YOU don’t like pickles and you have to make people aware of that fact so they know why the smell of them would drive you insane.

Scarecrow:
Oh. I don’t think I can remember all that but I’ll try it.

[later in the day]

Scarecrow [to PD]:
I bought a piña colada air freshener because my minivan smelled like a hooker covered in pickle juice!

And that, my friends, made me laugh.

We talked about Cheese why not Crackers??

The saga continues!

Today was Scarecrow’s turn for treats and she brought coffee cake, chips ‘n dip and cheese spread for the left over crackers that Cowardly Lion brought last week.

I don’t know what lucky star let’s me be present when these things happen (I think God does have a sense of humor after all) but…
I was in the kitchen getting my daily fix (coffee) when Scarecrow says ‘where’s the box of crackers?’ I SIGHED ‘:: HERE WE GO AGAIN ::!’
Scarecrow opens the cupboards, looks on the bench seat and under the table but these crackers are nowhere to be found. This time I kept my mouth shut and walked away.
I come into the office and tell Milton ‘Scarecrow is looking for the crackers...’ thinking she would think it was funny too…BIG MISTAKE!
Milton has a fit because she was the one that finished the box but she claims there were only “crumbs” in it. She heads to the kitchen and I of course followed because I needed to complete my study of “people who go off their rocker due to lack of snackable items”
This is what happened:
Milton to Scarecrow: ‘You know, I didn’t have a fit when the cheese was thrown out!’ (Yes she did)
Scarecrow: ‘I was counting on the crackers for the cheese spread, now what am I gonna do?’ (umm… we’ll live)
Milton: ‘If it’s that big of a deal I’ll leave right now and go buy some!’ (Yes let’s focus on that instead of our jobs)
Glynda: ‘I’ll walk over to the Mini-Mart and buy some…’ (NOOO! Not you too!)
We start work at 8:00 by this time its 8 forty-frickin-five and we are still in the midst of the cracker dilemma! (Yes, I know I could have gone back to my desk but then how would you guys know what happened?)
The solution? Glynda the Office Manager walked to the Mini-Mart to buy crackers.
If I would have been in charge I would have thrown out all the snackies and said ‘NO SNACKS FOR YOU!’

On a brighter note…
I have today and tomorrow and then I’m off on vacation! Woohoo!!!
My little brother Checo is marrying Esmeralda in Mexico and there will be nothing but parties!

War— I mean WORK stories.

It’s been a while since I regaled you with the adventures of Arkham Asylum. Today we will feature:

Milton (female), the bookkeeper (one of my favorites).

Scarecrow, the spastic x-ray tech.

Purple Dino-SOUR, the world’s most useless human.

And because I do like to mock myself from time to time, Bee, the cool chick.

When last we left Arkham, the biddies were devising new ways to mentally torture our favorite character, Bee.

Milton

Milton:
Do you know who threw out the green scott brite dish sponge?

Bee:
The ugly dingy one that no longer made suds and was even oily and black?

(That's not it. It looks better than the one I threw away)

Milton:
Yeah, that one.

Bee:
No.

[I actually had it wrapped in a paper towel in my purse. I know that sounds weird but this thing was revolting and she was using it to wash the forks and spoons I use to eat my food. Which means they go in my mouth. I couldn’t throw it away in any of the garbage cans because…]

Milton:
I looked in the garbage cans and it’s not in any of them. They had to have thrown it out at some point yesterday before the cleaning crew came.

[… I knew she would dig through the garbage so I had grabbed it that morning before she came in and stuffed it in my purse. It’s scary how well I know my bats]

Bee:
I’ll bring you a new one from home. That one was beyond disgusting. It probably already had a micro civilization complete with skyscrapers and Al Gore.

Milton:
You guys are too delicate. At home, I can go months without replacing the sponge.

[after I swallowed my bile, I made a mental note not to eat at Milton’s house.]

Scarecrow

Bee [on the phone with a patient while both the receptionist and her back up, PD, were on vacation]:
We have an opening tomorrow if you’d like to come in then, Mrs.—.

Scarecrow [in such a loud whisper I wouldn’t be surprised if Brian heard her]:
Oh no! Not Mrs.—! We do not want to see Mrs.—!

Bee:
We will see you on Friday Mrs.—. [I slowly turned to look at Scarecrow and she almost seemed to shrink before my eyes] May I see you in the chartroom for a minute?

Scarecrow:
I-I-I have to go look for a chart.

Bee:
Well, you can start in the chartroom!

I dragged her boney ass in there and proceeded to tell her how unprofessional she was to not only say such things about a patient while I’m on the phone with her but to say it in front of other patients in the waiting room. I told her that while I was the substitute receptionist she was NOT going to behave in such a manner on my watch! Her response?

Scarecrow:
W-w-would you like me to bring you a cup of coffee?

I think she was trying to show me her underbelly as a sign of submission but I ain’t taking any chances in her spitting in my precious coffee.

Purple Dino-SOUR

As I said before, both Cowardly Lion (the receptioist)  and PD were on vacation so the next person in line to play receptionist was lil’ ole me. Why the hell they stuck me as the receptionist is beyond me since I am clearly not a people person! Usually when PD goes on her yearly jaunts to Le Florida, I get to work her desk and mine. However! These were special circumstances. I had never done a 2 day stint as the merry phone lady so I figured PD’s desk could rot for all I cared.

Would you believe this bubble head came in and threw a tantrum because her desk looked like somebody had replaced it with mine?

PD:
Did you run claims for me last week?

Bee:
No, I was hoping the elves would come in and do it for you since I was too busy trying to do my job and be receptionist at the same time.

PD:
I can’t get all this done in one week!

Bee:
So hey? How was your vacation? I haven’t taken one in 2 years and this is your third this year.

PD:
I have worked here 18 years! Don’t I deserve to take a vacation?

Bee:
Of course you do! You need time off from the 5 hour 3 days a week job you have. I’d be exhausted too but nobody does my work when I go away to sunbathe in the nude.

PD:
::gasp!::  [stalks off to complain to her fellow bubble heads]

Bee

First up.

For those of you keeping score, I was KM a couple of weeks ago so I brought in a healthy veggie tray with dip and some chocolate and blueberry muffins. Those rotten old ladies did not eat any of my snacks so I wound up having to throw out the veggies because they grew moldy. The muffins were enjoyed by my family so that was okay but what the hell!

This week I had a plan. I was not going to eat any of the treats Toto brought in as a sign of protest. I wanted them to feel all hurt and achy inside just like I did when they didn’t eat my goodies. Come with me as I give you peek into my head.

Bee [all in my head]:
Hmmm she brought 2 types of coffee cake. I don’t care what kind she brought I AM NOT HAVING ANY!

Oh, one is open custard [mouth drooling] and the other is Bavarian chocolate chip [drool spilling onto my shirt]… NO! ooh! She brought colby-jack cheese too! Maybe I’ll just have a little piece— NO!! Oh dear lord! She brought the dip she knows I love! She did this on purpose just to torture me! She’s met her match because I will resist the temptation—

Who am I kidding? I have no self control when it comes to snackies.

And to end things with a golden brush of dumbass...

I requested a copy of our contract from a big name insurance company. They faxed it over and I made 3 copies but for some reason I thought the contract they faxed had print on both sides of the page so I had to redo the copies and make them two sided. We have an old fax machine. Can anyone tell me why I'm a dumbass?

Bonding time at the Asylum. Also, I learn what lycanthropy means.

I was walking down the hallway at the Asylum last week, on my way to get a refill on sweet sweet coffee, when Glynda stopped me to ask how much weight I'd lost so far. I let her know I was yo-yoing between 22 and 24 because the weekend usually had me stuffing my face with yummy things so I'd gain 2 pounds and then I'd lose them during the week.

While we were talking, Toto and Scarecrow had gathered around me and each one was commenting on how great I looked. I told them that it was because I was wearing jeans, rare casual days at the Asylum are one of the few perks we have, and that I happened to find a great fit.

We talked some more about my plans to keep losing weight.

Me: I haven't been working out but hopefully Andy will join the gym and we can go together. The only thing is that I have to make him wear blinders so that he doesn't drool over the hot chicks in their tiny spandex outfits. [I said jokingly]

Glynda [looking completely surprised]: Why would he look at other women when he has you?

. . . I have received many compliments and encouraging words from my brothers and their wives, my sister, my mom and coworkers and I have appreciated every single one of them but that, by far, was one of the nicest things anybody has ever said to me.

Me: Thank you! But my husband is like every other husband. He wouldn't notice if I grew a second nose. I can reenact that scene in Fried Green Tomatoes where Kathy Bates makes an outfit for herself out of plastic saran wrap and wears nothing underneath because she's hoping to spice things up with her husband and all he says is "What's for dinner?" as he walks away. Only, in my case, he would ask, "Did you feed the dogs?".

We all laugh.

Glynda: I find that hard to believe! You remind me of one of those curvy pin up girls! Andy better watch out or some guy is gonna come up and swoop you away!

Bee: ::blushes:: Uh thanks. I really don't think he feels any threat whatsoever, though. I think he'd be more shocked like "Huh? Does that guy need glasses?"

Glynda: Well that's not very nice.

Me: I'm kidding! I'm sure he'd be upset. I mean, who would help him pay the mortgage? ::winks::

Toto: My husband once said that the only way he wouldn't look at other woman is if he was blind or dead.

Scarecrow: I can't take mine to the pool without having to tell him to stop staring! I don't do that with the young men in the pool!

Me: ::shrugs:: Listen, we're wired different. Our men can lose their hair and have barrel beer-bellies but for some reason we view them the same way as when we dated. I think it's because we don't have that appendage that sticks straight up that acts like a homing device when we see something we like.

We all nod.

Glynda: My husband keeps talking about that woman who was in the news? The one that was video taped in her hotel room (Erin Andrews) and says he'd like to see that video. Men are pigs.

Me: In all honesty, we have to give them a break. It used to bother me too but then (after an epiphany) I thought about it logically. When I go to the movies, do I drool over this guy:

or this guy?:

Glynda [nodding]: That makes sense. You know who I think is really cute? Mathew McConaughey.

Me [thumbs up]: Great taste! I know Scarecrow has a thing for Zac Effron.

Scarecrow: He has some nice abs!

Me: Very very nice abs!

Toto: ::rolls her eyes:: I need another man like I need another hole in the head! I really like Paul Newman, though.

Scarecrow: Paul Newman is dead!

Toto: I know that! I didn't say I was attracted to him in his current state! [thinks] I guess Brad Pitt isn't too hard to look at.

Me: You see? We're not blind or dead either! The difference is that we are not vocal about who we find attractive and they are.

Glynda [still upset that my marriage isn't any different than hers]: Well, I know for a fact my husband would be ogling you.

Scarecrow & Toto: Mine too!

Me [looking for the exit]: Awww that's sweet! Weird, but sweet. Don't worry about me though because I have people like you guys boosting my ego every day.

 

::sigh:: Marriage doesn't get any easier, I guess. This is discouraging because it seems like their husbands are no longer being discreet in their fascination with women and make their wives all too aware of what they "lack". I don't understand why they wouldn't want to make the women they "love" happy by simply saying something nice about them.  It doesn't take too much of an effort to compliment your significant other, so why is it such a chore? I can guaran-damn-tee that if one of their husbands were to say something simple like "Your eyes look really blue* today!" or "I love your smile" they would have these women feeding them grapes while fanning them with palm leaves!

I don't know about you, ladies, but I'm constantly telling Andy how good he looks. I don't do it because I want him to return the favor. I do it because I want him to feel good about himself and know that after all these years, I still think he's a hottie. On the flip side, maybe I'm just wasting my time because he may think it's weird since men obviously do not need that type of everyday encouragement.

Oh well! Too much thinking for one day!

I take satisfaction in the fact that I helped release 3 cougars to the wild because if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!

Want to touch. THE HINEY!!

 

 

*Blue only works if their eyes are actually blue. If they're brown don't say blue m'mkay?

P.S.

Lycanthropy is in She Wolf's lyrics and when I was singing the song, in my head because people would die otherwise, I was like "Apocatherapy? Lycratherapy?" so I googled the lyrics and now I'm shocked by Shakira's smarts.

Why so many green Skittles???

The facts are these:

One Bee Short Person was hungry.

She went and radiated her Lean Cuisine as per her usual routine.

She set up her little lunch station as she does everyday.

LC [check] water [check] iPod [check] cell phone [check] pencil and paper [check] left over Skittles bag from Halloween [check]

She happily sat down to enjoy a half hour of food, music and solitude when in walks one Scarecrow Dumb Shit.

She proceeds to reach over Bee Short Person’s iPod and water and grabs her bag of Skittles. Saying “Ooh Skittles!”

***Caution*** Do not extend arm in front of hungry animal!**

Nah, just kidding, I wouldn't bite her! (she’s got so much booze and nicotine in her system she’s toxic just by standing next to her)

Bee:
Why did you just reach over me to grab my Skittles? (<-doesn’t this sound odd?)

Scarecrow:
Oh, they’re yours?

Bee:
They were practically under my LC! Who grabs someone else’s skittles?? Do I look like a defenseless child???

Scarecrow: [shaking, not kidding]
Sorry Sorry Sorry! [drops the skittles barely missing my LEAN CUISINE!]

Bee:
Surgeon General’s Warning: Wait half an hour before eating today.

Scarecrow:
Half an hour from when?

Bee:
NOW!

Scarecrow scampers off.

::sigh::

Please see the placement of the items I listed earlier.
This is a re-enactment since I had to place the bag of Skittles back in it's original location so that I may take a picture.
The Skittles were not at the edge of the table nor were they on top of those boxes of chocolates indicating they were communal property.
No, their positioning clearly stated the ownership belonged to one Bee Short Person.

I rest my case.

Tonight is our Christmas Party and it will be at Gibson's Steakhouse.
You're welcome to join us but you'll have to buy the drinks.
And keep them coming!

Please go check out Berta's blog "Qwerty" since she has been nice enough to do the The Random and Embarrassing thing. Go make fun of her. Go!
.
And also see if Brian, Jean Knee, Aroogoogoola, and Chris have done it cuz they're a bunch of law breakers!

The Fromunda Cheese Experiment

So... as I said yesterday, I was going to bring in Queso Fresco and pass it off as the infamous Fromunda cheese. I was having second thoughts but you know what? Once I started, it was hilarious because only I knew how dirty their comments were. To me anyway.

My experiment began first thing in the morning. I announced at meeting that I had brought a new kind of cheese for them to taste. Since I didn't want to get in trouble by tricking Glynda, I ain't no fool, I said I wanted them to try it before I told them what kind of cheese it was. As we were walking to the kitchen, because we all walk there together while holding hands, I whispered to Scarecrow that I'm sure she was the only one that knew it was Fromunda cheese. She didn't disappoint because she answered "I recognized it immediately when I was getting my tea."

Of course you did Scarecrow.

Remember, this is the definition for Fromunda cheese as per Urban Dictionary:

fromunda :Slimy residue commonly found under a nut sac.

Me:You want some fromunda cheese?
Bob: Whats that?
Me: Cheese fromunda my nuts
Bob: Why yes, yes I do - from Urban Dictionary.

Here are my test results:

Scarecrow took a piece and then had to tell me that the Fromunda cheese she buys has a tarter flavor. She couldn't detect a scent on this one and the other one has a more pungent smell. She then declared to Toto and Purple Dino-Sour that this cheese must be of lesser quality since I bought it at my local food market and not in a store that specializes in imported cheeses.

I responded that yeah, I got this specific fromunda cheese from the deli guy at Shop and Save so he was the one to blame for it's lack of pungency and quality. Bastard must have showered.

Toto said she didn't like it. According to her, the consistency is too creamy and it leaves a weird film on her teeth.

Good to know.

Purple Dino-Sour did like it. She said it had a nice nutty flavor and she liked that it was a little salty.

Salty nuts = yum I guess?

Glynda came up to me later in the day and said she liked the white cheese I brought in and where could she buy it. I told her the truth because I need this job to pay for my cheese addiction.

Milton said it was light and had a mild taste to it. She said she could sit there and eat it all day and not feel too stuffed or guilty for gorging herself on cheese.

I then overheard Scarecrow telling CL that her son absolutely loves Fromunda cheese and she will sometimes buy a ¼ of a pound just for him since the High Quality Fromunda cheese is very expensive. CL was in on the joke since we told her about our prank ages ago so she just tried her hardest not to laugh. I butted in and asked where she got her cheese and she said she had a gourmet cheese shop in her area. Then, the kicker:

Scarecrow:

I don't mean to sound like a snob but there are some things where money is no object and Gourmet Fromunda cheese is one of them.

Well! That sure told me!

And so ends the fromunda cheese experiment. I hope you enjoyed the ride as much as I did.

First Cute and Cuddly then TORTURE!

First Cute and Cuddly.

Above is a picture of Shoogie Boogie and her Boogie mom (AKA my little sis) on Natalia's first day back at Pre-K. Aren't they both cuties? :o)
-
She was dropped off at school the same as last year. Her mommy, daddy and grandmother all watched as she ran into her new classroom with a quick goodbye but without a backwards glance!
-

Then her daddy picked her up and drove her to mommy's work where they went to lunch and the plan was for daddy to take her miniature golfing.
-
However...
-The little princess had had a long day! :o) Her daddy had to park under the shade and wait for her to wake up from her nap.

AWWW!


Now Torture!
-
Anyway, in my quest to be the most evil worker ever to grace this office... I did the following to the poor unsuspecting souls that have the misfortune to be my co-workers.
-
My friend Thunderbird, Lord of The Spiders sent me the following tongue twister:
-
I'm not the Pheasant Plucker,
I'm the Pheasant Plucker's son,
And I'm only plucking pheasants
Till the Pheasant Plucker comes.
-

My plan: To recite it over and over at odd moments and at different volumes.

-

The following were the reactions after they "heard" me say the tongue twister.

-
Victim #1- Purple Dino-SOUR
PD: [walking toward her desk]
Is that a song? It sounds like you’re saying “flucker”…?
-

Cool Shoes Bee:
What? Oh I’m sorry, was I talking out loud?
-

PD:
Yes, what was it you were saying?
-

Cool Shoes Bee:
Not sure, I didn’t realize I was saying anything. Sorry if I was bothering you. [faked a sheepish look]
-

PD: [Confused look, which is her normal look because she's, say it with me, always confused!]
Oh. Okay.

-
-I had to be careful and torture them separately-

-

Victim #2- Scarecrow

Scarecrow: [looking for a chart near my desk]

Ha Ha! Is that a dirty limerick?

-

Cool Shoes Bee:

What? Is what a dirty limerick?

-

Scarecrow: [smiling from ear to ear]

What you were saying right now. It sounded like "I once had a peasant [whispers] fucker"

-

Cool Shoes Bee: [looking at her with big shocked eyes]

Waaahhuut!?

-

Scarecrow: [embarrassed]

Oh! My mistake I just thought you... sorry.

-

As soon as she walked out I laughed till I couldn't breathe! I felt bad but I couldn't tell her just yet.

-

Victim #3- Milton

Milton: [walking towards the copy machine that's right next to me]

I'm sorry what?

-

Cool Shoes Bee:

I'm just talking to myself.

-

Milton:

Oh. [You could tell she's dying to ask again but didn't want to risk angering me. Like that's possible, I'm so sweet all the time!]

-
I said it again, made sure she heard me over the copier's noise

-

Milton: [little girl poltergeist voice]

Are you reciting a poem?

-

Cool Shoes Bee:

Um... no, just thinking out loud. Sorry if it bothers you.

-

Milton:

No, it doesn't bother me but out of curiosity, what were you saying?

-

Cool Shoes Bee:

I know I was talking out loud but I'd really rather not talk about it. It's kinda personal.

-

Milton:

I understand but it just seemed like you were saying something about a "pleasant plucker"...?

-

I coudn't stand it anymore I busted out laughing!

-

So let's recap:

We got flucker, peasant fucker, pleasant plucker.

-

I haven't laughed so hard since... well since I got an e-mail saying I had offensive material on my blog! Me! Can you believe it? Me either!!!

I should cut their head off with a humid piece of celery!

-

Yeah, I know. I'm such a Bit- ah-ah-ah... Didn't say it.

Butt Cake.

Somewhere over the radar bees will fly… (Hmmm, on the radar bees will fly? )

So I tried. I really did.
I was going to behave and do my job to the best of my ability (that's not saying much) and earn my “ginormous” paycheck.

But or should I say Butt…

Let me set the stage for you. I work in a Medical Building with all types of different docs having offices here. Upstairs is a Physical Therapy place that OZ has partnership with. One of their staff was having some sort of butt disorder (TMI? yeah I know but it’s relevant) so they decided to get him a cake in the shape of a … you guessed it! Butt!

Since the guy must have been very ample cheeked, they brought down a huge piece for us yesterday. I passed on eating it cuz the last thing I want to be able to say is “I’ve eaten ass.” (gross?)

Anyway the color was very distinctive, cartoon pig pink, so I thought “hey if this is the color of his ass no wonder he’s having issues” (cheap joke? so?).

Anyway again… this morning when I went in to get my coffee Scarecrow pulled the butt out of the fridge. When she pulled back the foil paper she had a conniption fit!

Scarecrow:
What the hell happened? There was twice as much cake before I left last night!

Cool Till the Last Drop Bee: [giggling]
You mean there’s some butt missing?

Scarecrow:
Did you take some home?

:sigh:: I’m no longer amused!

Cool Till the Last Drop Bee:
No, I didn’t want to have any here why would I take it home? Who cares really if someone’s eating it?

I know what happened. Milton had said she was going to take a piece of ass home with her and I bet she was the culprit.

Half an hour later the Bat Posse is looking for blood. They head straight for Milton because they must have put their brains together and astonishingly enough came up with the right answer. Can you guys believe it? I couldn’t and I was sitting right there.

Milton admits to taking a piece home but they want to know exactly how much in size and weight! I was almost done with my coffee so my mood was slightly better but I couldn’t stomach them attacking someone so defenseless. I had to come to her rescue. I mean, I’d have done the same for a deer being attacked by hyenas so I might as well help her out, right?

Cool Till the Last Drop Bee: [picture me swaggering bandida style]
I have a great solution. Since all we do is waste time bitching about food, how about I bring it up to OZ on our next meeting that maybe we should stop Thursday treat day (we buy the treats, bring the receipt and he reimburses us) and not let vendors bring us anymore food.

Toto, Milton, PD, Scarecrow:
BURGA BURGA GARBA GARBA (what they say it not important but they don’t agree)

Cool Till the Last Drop Bee:
As of matter of fact why wait? I’ll go tell him now.

[Swaggering out, going towards OZ’s office]

I have never seen them move so fast! HA HA HA! They went to go get Glynda but they were too late! I was at OZ’s office.

OZ:
Good morning sunshine!

(Huh? Whatever I’m on a mission!)

Cool Till the Last Drop Bee:
OZ, I appreciate the fact that you buy us treats every Thursday and let vendors bring in goodies. I don’t believe I’ve ever thanked you for that.

OZ: [puzzled]
You’re welcome, I think it helps moral.

Cool Till the Last Drop Bee:
It sure does! Thanks again!

[I swagger out of his office and the bats are around the corner with Glynda and Milton.]

Cool Till the Last Drop Bee:
He said treats were a privilege and it was to help with moral but if it’s having the opposite effect he will take it from us.

Nobody said anything they just let me walk by while they picked their jaws off the floor.
I know no one would dare ask him anything so my secret is safe (you guys better now squeal!). I heard an earful from Glynda but her words come out trash and enter my little ears as a love song.

Currently nobody is talking to me so all in all I’d say it was good days work!

Oh… it’s only 10:30! ::sigh:: I’m tired.

-

P.S.

When I searched for "pictures cartoon pig" I thought for sure I might end up on some shady sites but I didn't! Don't you think that's weird? I mean I look for rotten tomatoes and end up in pornville but pig search takes me to just pigs...

Picture added.

I wasn't going to but this is the last piece of cake left. It was chocolate with strawberry filling... ::yuck!::

The longest day in history!

So...
.
It all started with me running late as per usual. They'd already started morning meeting so I caught the last words of Cowardly Lion volunteering us to take on more of Purple Dino-SOUR's workload.
I hadn't even finished punching in when I was already telling everybody they could go to H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS!
I was very uh... clear as to my feelings and the fact that OZ didn't want to pay me more and he didn't want PD to work more hours.
I believe the phrase "He can kiss my ass!" made it into morning meeting for the first time EVER! And if it was said before, it was probably said by me.
.
Anyway, this set the tone for everybody declaring war on their fellow human being. CL took it personally and started her passive aggressive rampage while I shook my little Elf pin that Natalia gave me at everybody and would laugh like a lunatic when it's legs did a jig!
.
THE MILTON SAGA:
On to the important business of ordering the dinner for our party.
Since we were paying for it ourselves, we decided that the most economical way to go would be to order pizza. Easy enough you say? You obviously are not familiar with The Asylum.
First we had to fill out some paperwork.


Milton then entered all information into an excel grid and cross referenced to see who was compatible with who.
I was "lucky" enough to have Milton and Glynda as my sharers of delicious Giordano's pizza.
On to the next step right? No. Milton decided she wanted to order enough for her lunch/dinner tomorrow for her and her husband and order a ginormous one. I had to put my foot down (on her face) and tell her a medium would do.
SHE THEN PULLED OUT A RULER TO EXPLAIN WHAT THE DIAMETER OF THE PIZZA WOULD BE!!!

I know what you're thinking right now, "oh, that Bee and her silly tales!"
I wish I was making this stuff up I really do...
Luckily, Glynda agreed with me so she was outvoted.
We'll come back to Milton later.
.
THE COWARDLY LION SAGA:
I innocently went to ask her if she wanted to get coffee while I watched the phones.
Her response:
I DON'T KNOW WHY EVERYBODY ALWAYS FEELS SORRY FOR PD!!!
Bee:
No coffee then. [I walked away]
CL:
She wastes so much time and nobody cares!! I refuse to feel pity for her!!
Bee: [I come back]
Would you rather we felt sorry for you??
CL:
[Throws stuff around but there's silence]
.
After that exchange, whenever she would walk anywhere she would stomp around. Then I saw the most heartbreaking thing ever... SHE REMOVED HER JINGLE BELL NECKLACE!


I could picture her slamming it on her desk saying, "Screw this, I'm not going to be happy today!" Cuz we all know happiness lies in jingle bells!
Poor poor CL...
.
THE SCARECROW SAGA:
She sadly missed morning meeting. She said it was because of the trains that got in her way but from the smell of her I think she imagined the trains as she exercised her drinking arm. It's sad but true folks, she reeked of booze and cigarettes!
Anyway, she had called Glynda and said she'd prefer to order from some other restaurant but she would go with the majority. The majority wanted pizza but for some reason Scarecrow did not know the true meaning of "majority rules" and threw a tantrum that would make a 2 year old proud.
"Guaaa I don't want pizza! I wanted a beef sandwich!"
.
But you can order a beef sandwich from Giordano's
.
"I don't like it from Giordano's!! Guaa Guaa!"
.
Toto finally convinced her to have pizza and gave her her pacifier full of booze.
.
THE MILTON SAGA:
Her final grid was done, she was ready to order when I say.
"Can you order me a soda?"
WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING!??!?!?
Milton:
Well that will complicate the order!
Bee:
What? What is so complicated? Do you need me to type it into your grid??
Milton:
I already added everything and know how much everyone owes... I'd hhh-ave to uh... add the... not sure how much it...
Bee:
FORGET IT!! Why do you have to make EVERYTHING so difficult?!
Milton:
I suppose I can...
Bee:
DON'T DO ME ANY FAVORS!!
.
THE BEE SAGA:
I walked over to Glynda's office closed the door and said,
"I will not participate in next years office party! These ladies are beyond ridiculas! Look at my pin! It's sad now. It's not doing anymore jigs! I was in a good mood for shitsake! And soda complicates the order? How much is it? $1.50? CL thinks she's ruler of the universe, and Scarecrow is making me high just standing next to her! You know, she's probably on to something! Maybe I should go have some bonding moments with her while I guzzle some vodka!"

Glynda was of no help since she was laughing her over-caffeinated butt off at my tragedy.
.
THE CHRISTMAS TREE SAGA:

Nah, it didn't have a saga but this ginormous tree puts Archibald the Ugly to shame... ;o)
My sock gift was hypocritically received! Okay, I also gave her a fancy necklace. I found a box for the crap I gave her at the last minute but I had to take out my snowglobe... :o(



What did I get you ask, well... I got a used book. Yup! Used. CL got me in the secret Santa and even though the limit was $15, I got 'Marley and Me' along with some coffee stains and crinkled pages. The book mark looked new though so that about evens it out right?


Oh yeah, we also managed to get some work done but not much! On to plan my revenge for ruining My Jiggy Elf's Happy Christmas Dinner. He didn't even enjoy the pizza! It gave him heartburn...

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM GLYNDA AND THE BATS!


Left to right.

Toto, CL, Milton, Scarecrow, PD, Glynda.

Party with thy enemies, then make fun of their clothes!

.

So…
This is a long long post but since it’s Friday, you’ll have the weekend to read it.
The answer to how many Maragritas make me incoherent is 5. I had 5 bad girls!

.

I’m gonna start with the preparation for the party.
I was grumpy and grouchy the whole time I was getting ready!
Then as I’m almost done with the finishing touches on my shellacked make-up I notice something odd.
.

There… jutting out just above my upper lip… is a tiny hair. WHAT???
.

Now, I, like all other men/women, have facial hair but I’m lucky enough to have it in the form of peach fuzz that you can only see if I’m under extremely bright lights because it’s so fair.
Well, this little son of a skunk is blacker than tar! Has it been there all along? Why didn’t anyone tell me?
I reach for my tweezers when I remember Andy used them to unclog the drain! I don’t have any usable freakin tweezers!!!
.

::deep breath::
.

I decide to move on but now I’m scrutinizing my face and notice I have a couple of stray eyebrows! Have I always been this hairy!?
I. DON’T. THINK. SO. !
Next time Andy asks me if I’ll still love him if he’s bald, I’m gonna ask him if he’ll still love me when I’m an ape. ::sigh::
There was nothing I could do at the moment so I had to Groucho Marx it and leave.
.

I was the last of the women to arrive but I made them move so that I wouldn’t be stuck sitting next to any of the doctors or Scarecrow (yes, Scarecrow was aware of my reluctance to sit next to her, she has not been forgiven for the Skittles incident!).
After we all settled in, with me in the middle of Milton and Cowardly Lion, I noticed how out of place I truly am in this Asylum.
.

All the women were wearing VELOUR!
.

Yeah, I said VELOUR! Toto was wearing a VELOUR pantsuit. Aren’t you proud of the fact that I didn’t lose it right then and there? Scarecrow and Purple Dino-SOUR were wearing a VELOUR blouse/skirt set with tons of sparklies. Oh how I regret not taking a picture! ---Bad Bee!---
The rest were just wearing VELOUR tops.

I’m wondering if a traveling salesman happened upon all of them while I was on my way there and sweet talked them into buying his great-grandma’s clothes. That’s the only logical explanation my pickled brain can come up with.

Thankfully, the waiter and maitre d’ were the freakin’ bomb! (yes yes I just said the bomb) The minute I walked into the room they hooked me up with Margaritas and kept ‘em coming. At one point one of them whispered that they had added extra Tequila to make my companions more interesting! Do you want to know why they felt the need to say that?? Because for the first 45 minutes we talked about the fact that the Bennigan’s by the office has closed! WHO GIVES A FLYING CRAP? WHO???

What had me on the floor writhing in laughter (or pain) was that OZ sat next to Milton and she proceeded to tell him how she had cut out a coupon for cake and now she needed to find one that’s open blah blah blah.
OZ didn’t know what to say since he probably has never been to a Bennigan’s! The dude eats in places where they charge you just to walk thru the door!
In the meantime, I counted 27 lights on the garlands. Then my other Margarita appeared magically next to my right hand. It was a Miracle…

If you’re at this very moment wondering how I survived the next 2 hours, all I have to say is Jose Cuervo should be inducted into the hall of saints. If there is a hall of saints not really sure but if there isn’t they should invent one.

Can you vote for people to become saints cuz I’d vote for him… and me.

Do you guys want to know what the next scintillating topic of conversation was? CL’s 35th high school reunion. I’ll spare you the bore-y details but I just want to send a message to whoever wants it.

When you’re telling a story, know your audience! It shouldn’t take you 20 minutes to tell people your school is exactly the same as you remember it.
Notice when the people around you have gotten quiet and their eyes are wandering around the room planning their escape.

When that happens yell out BOOBS really loud and they’ll come back to you. No, don’t show them your boobs just yell out the word.

Do I have your attention again? :o)
.
OZ played right into my hands to make the bats jealous.

Everything was Bianca this and Bianca that (if you're new to this blogus and are wondering why he's calling me Bianca... uh… that’s my real name) so they were positively green with envy! BUAHAHAHA!

I was really trying to behave but I needed to do something to keep my head from hitting the table out of sheer boredom (or [kkkcough!] inebriation). So I rolled up my NON-VELOUR sleeves and dove in!

.

What I actually said to those sad synthetic fabric women is not important. (I didn't have stories to share about my husband's mid-life crisis cuz he's only 31.)What's important is that each one of them got my own special brand of justice in front of OZ who laughed his ass off and at the end of the evening I said "Okay, you may all give me a round of applause!" and they did because OZ lead the clapping so how could they not follow along!

--MARGARITA POWER!!!!

............................

Well, in all honesty it wasn't the Margaritas that made me say and do the things I did but it made my life sweeter!!!

.

If you are, at this very moment, feeling sympathy for the Bats... TRAITORS!

You'll be happy to know Karma paid me back just lil' bit. When I got home after being dropped off, Andy had a blast making fun of my nonsense and giggly-ness. I just remember telling him "And if I forget this or that remind me tomorrow. And remind me I have to kick Milton's ass because she said really loud that she didn't understand why I didn't want to sit next to OZ cuz he and I are having a grand time! Whatta bitch!" (yes, I did kick her ass!--verbally--)

.

Anyway, as I stumbled into the bathroom to change, I punched myself in the face trying to take off my blouse. Then I scratched my eyeball trying to take off my contacts!

.

My next disembowelment date is 12/14/07. That is the "staff" party in which it's just us women... grrrrrr!

.

WITH NO ALCOHOL!!!

.

.

.

If you're wondering about the stupid hair above my lip, it's STILL there!

Duties of a Kitchen Marm:

Washing doctors’ (coffee cup, water glass, forks, knives, yup glorified maids we are)

(You are not responsible for washing other people’s dishes but guess what winds up happening? All the mother effin bats leave their mugs and other dishes for each other and me to do. When I first started it was made very clear to me that we were to wash our own dishes. I understood so I keep my cup at my desk at all times and wash it myself.)

Clean the tables, counter, microwave, stock paper towels, make coffee.


and of course bring treats…

Well I was “reprimanded” my last time as KM because I had never taken the dish towel home to wash, I was not even aware we had to...

So…

I took the flippin dish towel home and used it to dust my china cabinet, my blinds, my dressers I twirled it to make it tight and snap Tazz (did not hit him just did the air above him). After all that, I forgot to put it in with the laundry and it’s sitting in my back porch.

Flash forward to today’s meeting…

Toto: (other nurse who I never really talk about because she hardly ever bothers me and is a people pleaser but on this occasion she did bother me and displeased me)

‘I couldn’t help but notice that the blue dish towel was last seen on the week you were KM, now it’s gone…?’ (last seen, as if it were on the run… with my shoe?)


Cooler than Ice Cubes Bee: ‘Blue dish towel, what blue dish towel?’


Toto: ‘The one with little roses on it…?’


In the meantime everybody is looking at me so I decide to come clean… I mean what can they do right?


Cooler than Ice Cubes Bee: ‘Oh yeah, you know what I guess I forgot to bring it back. Oops, sorry!’


Lord have mercy on my soul for when I finally drop dead from “office political exhaustion” (very rare disease, not surprised you haven’t heard about it.)


Toto, Scarecrow, PD: ‘garble garble brugga brugga garble rabble’


Cooler than Ice Cubes Bee: ‘I didn’t understand what you guys said, can you attack me one at a time please?’


Scarecrow: ‘Do you think you can write yourself a note for tomorrow?’


Cooler than Ice Cubes Bee: ‘Sure, what do you want the note to say?’ [big smile]


Scarecrow: ‘Well… to bring the towel back.’


Cooler than Ice Cubes Bee: ‘So you want the note to say “to bring the towel back”?’ [Pretend writing it down on my hand, I say pretend because I had no writing utensils]


Toto: ‘It can say whatever will remind you to bring it back.’


Cooler than Ice Cubes Bee: ‘Right, but I need you guys to direct me… I’m not sure I can get thru this on my own…’ [angelic look]


[In the background you hear Glynda snickering]


Toto: ‘Are you just toying with us?’


Cooler than Ice Cubes Bee: ‘No, if this is important enough to bring up during a business meeting then I really want to work at never ever upsetting you guys, cross my heart!’


Glynda: ‘Okay, let’s move on. She’ll bring it back eventually. If she forgets then I’m sure she’s not going to use it as a dust rag.’


OOPS!

The meeting concluded with them devouring delicious snackies, Taco Dip (with tortilla chips not butter-freekin-crackers) and a nice Cinnamon Crumble cake made by my own little… supermarket! :op

Not that you’ll be upset but, no posting will be made tomorrow (no Nancy, do not even try the guilt) since I’ve looked at my agenda and will actually have to get some work done before I meet with OZ.

Have a great weekend everyone!

More Asylum woes… to the nose…

Me to myself “Okay, Bee, today is Tuesday. You got through Monday without any threats to first degree homicide anybody so you can get through Tuesday! You can do it! You can do it! YOU CAN DO IT!!”

Just then Glynda walks in: I need to inform everybody that Scarecrow has herpes of the mouth. She is not at the moment contagious but she will be once it starts weeping so be careful with the things you touch.”

Me: Uhhhhhhh why is she here and not under bio-hazard arrest?

Glynda: ::shrugs::

Because that is what we always expect from management, a fucking shrug!

Me: Can you make sure she doesn’t go around touching everything in sight? Maybe sticks to the phone in her X-Ray room?

Glynda [another fucking shrug]: Just don’t touch your mouth/eyes/nose.

Do you guys know how hard it is to keep from tapping your lips when you’re thinking? I mean, I’m not saying I rely solely on this method to coax answers outta my brain but it is a habit, I have to tap-tap-tap my fingers over my lips as if I was playing a flute.

Me: I don’t mean to sound insensitive but it’s just that I went all these years trying not to catch any type of crazy diseases so I’m a little worried!

Glynda: You’ll be fine as long as you disinfect your hands every time you come back to your desk. Try really hard not to touch your face.

Do you guys know how badly a nose starts itching once it knows (pun pun pun!) you can’t touch it?

Scarecrow, I don’t know what you did to get herpes of the mouth but I hope it was worth it!