Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Peter picked a pile of pickled hos.

I was sitting at my desk, typing my own business, when Scarecrow came and told me she had a funny story that she knew I would appreciate because I, me, myself am such a great story teller. I cut her off and asked her to please tell me more about how great I am before I let her continue with her ““funny”” story.

Here is what she told me:

The other day I made pickles but I wanted to get them out of my house so I took some to both my mom and my mother-in-law and my minivan smelled like pickles all day even though I bought an air freshener!

[I waited for the punch line]

[I scratched my head and stuck my pinkie in my ear because it was itchy]

[I looked at the time and wondered how many lollipops I could stuff in my mouth without drooling]

[I finally had to ask…]

Is that it?

Scarecrow:
Yeah. Isn’t it funny?

Bee:
Tell ya' what I’m gonna do for you. I am going to overhaul your story so that when you tell it to people, you get a couple of chuckles.  (Yeah, I have that much of an ego.) Ready?

Scarecrow:
Okay.

Bee:
— I made some pickles this weekend only to realize I had more than my husband and children would ever eat, I don’t like pickles you see, so I decided to give some to my mom and mother-in-law. Despite the forecast for cool weather, the day was hot n’ humid and as a result they were particularly eh… pungent. Okay lets be honest they STUNK like a $4 dollar hooker with a hangover on a summer day!

[wait for snickers here]

I opened my windows and drove merrily singing to Dr. Dre's’ “Nuthin' But A 'G' Thang"

Scarecrow:
What song is that?

Bee:
It doesn’t have to be that song but pick one that would be bizarre hearing you sing.

— Even though the smell was overpowering, I imagined the pleasure my moms would have when eating their pickles so I tried to breathe through my mouth. Besides, once I delivered them, the smell would leave my car, right? WRONG!

The scent clung to every fiber of my minivan with the tenacity of a koala bear on peyote.—

Scarecrow:
Koala Bear?

Bee:
It doesn’t have to make sense.

— I stopped at a nearby Walgreen’s and bought a piña colada air freshener in the hopes that the coconut would drive the smell away but the only thing it did was have me daydreaming of rum.

[wait for applause here]

Scarecrow:
I didn’t know you didn’t like pickles!

Bee:
::sigh:: I love pickles but I know YOU don’t like pickles and you have to make people aware of that fact so they know why the smell of them would drive you insane.

Scarecrow:
Oh. I don’t think I can remember all that but I’ll try it.

[later in the day]

Scarecrow [to PD]:
I bought a piña colada air freshener because my minivan smelled like a hooker covered in pickle juice!

hoooooooker

And that, my friends, made me laugh.

20 comments:

  1. That made me laugh too! You should really start charging them for your story enhancements. Funny! :-)

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  2. If it wasn't one in the morning and I wasn't going batty with exhaustion and perhaps more people were around they would have heard me snort in laughter at the thought of a hooker covered in pickle juice.

    Personally I love the horrible co-worker stories because it gives me something to ponder and I LOVE to ponder...

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  3. A hooker covered in pickle juice ... BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

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  4. Oh yes, the remake is so much better!

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  5. I don't get it....I mean, I love the smell of a pickle juice-covered hooker....isn't that how they all come?

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  6. I love koalas but didn't have any idea they liked peyote

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  7. Oh, Bee. Your unfunny co-worker sounds a lot like the group of folks I used to work with and I miss them so much.....NOT!

    I've been trying to freshen up the house for two days. Maybe I should open a jar of pickles and let them sit out for awhile. EEEWWWW!

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  8. AD:
    Thanks! You know, I give them freebies because they give me material. If I ever find another job, I’ll have to come visit them just to see what they’re up to.

    TOS:
    I snorted too when she said hooker covered in pickle juice. I’m glad she didn’t say “pickled hooker” because that would have taken a turn to tragic.

    Chris:
    Yup. Dirty minds think alike.

    Jacki:
    Thanks! :o)

    Cameron:
    Any flavor you like as long as you pay the price.

    jean knee:
    It’s a Bee-fact.

    RG:
    I love pickles.

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  9. Did she bring you a jar of homemade pickles today to thank you?

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  10. I'm surprised she didn't get all the references you made to eating pickles. No wait I'm not surprised!

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  11. I'm about as good a storyteller as she is, so I can't criticize. I also like pickles.

    And $4? I suppose this is yet another consequence of the credit crunch.

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  12. Brilliant. I love your blogs. I only subscribe to three, and yours is a MUST SEE.

    Thanks for making me smile on a shitty, shitty day.

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  13. FADKOG:
    No she didn't because I'm not in her inner circle. Sad.

    BD:
    Ha! Went right over her head.

    Ana:
    They do amuse me so! :o)

    Brian:
    Yeah, hookers are felling it (no pun intended) too! I read somewhere that some brothel in Vegas is running a two for one coupon.

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  14. Tasialue:
    Thank you and I'm glad I made you smile! :o)

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  15. You have come up with a great service to mankind. There are so many people out there with no idea how to tell a story. Frankly they are draggin society down with them. I hope you can help them all.

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  16. Okay, that totally had me laughing. But now, the pickle juice is on me because I didn't even get the dirty part until I read Chris' comment. DUH.

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  17. This just goes to prove that you are either born funny or not. Some people can't be funny even when the jokes are handed to them on a whoopie cushion.

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  18. The Today SpongeJune 17, 2009 at 7:20 PM

    was the pickled ho wearing me?



    eww

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Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.