Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Peter picked a pile of pickled hos.

I was sitting at my desk, typing my own business, when Scarecrow came and told me she had a funny story that she knew I would appreciate because I, me, myself am such a great story teller. I cut her off and asked her to please tell me more about how great I am before I let her continue with her ““funny”” story.

Here is what she told me:

The other day I made pickles but I wanted to get them out of my house so I took some to both my mom and my mother-in-law and my minivan smelled like pickles all day even though I bought an air freshener!

[I waited for the punch line]

[I scratched my head and stuck my pinkie in my ear because it was itchy]

[I looked at the time and wondered how many lollipops I could stuff in my mouth without drooling]

[I finally had to ask…]

Is that it?

Yeah. Isn’t it funny?

Tell ya' what I’m gonna do for you. I am going to overhaul your story so that when you tell it to people, you get a couple of chuckles.  (Yeah, I have that much of an ego.) Ready?


— I made some pickles this weekend only to realize I had more than my husband and children would ever eat, I don’t like pickles you see, so I decided to give some to my mom and mother-in-law. Despite the forecast for cool weather, the day was hot n’ humid and as a result they were particularly eh… pungent. Okay lets be honest they STUNK like a $4 dollar hooker with a hangover on a summer day!

[wait for snickers here]

I opened my windows and drove merrily singing to Dr. Dre's’ “Nuthin' But A 'G' Thang"

What song is that?

It doesn’t have to be that song but pick one that would be bizarre hearing you sing.

— Even though the smell was overpowering, I imagined the pleasure my moms would have when eating their pickles so I tried to breathe through my mouth. Besides, once I delivered them, the smell would leave my car, right? WRONG!

The scent clung to every fiber of my minivan with the tenacity of a koala bear on peyote.—

Koala Bear?

It doesn’t have to make sense.

— I stopped at a nearby Walgreen’s and bought a piña colada air freshener in the hopes that the coconut would drive the smell away but the only thing it did was have me daydreaming of rum.

[wait for applause here]

I didn’t know you didn’t like pickles!

::sigh:: I love pickles but I know YOU don’t like pickles and you have to make people aware of that fact so they know why the smell of them would drive you insane.

Oh. I don’t think I can remember all that but I’ll try it.

[later in the day]

Scarecrow [to PD]:
I bought a piña colada air freshener because my minivan smelled like a hooker covered in pickle juice!


And that, my friends, made me laugh.


  1. That made me laugh too! You should really start charging them for your story enhancements. Funny! :-)

  2. If it wasn't one in the morning and I wasn't going batty with exhaustion and perhaps more people were around they would have heard me snort in laughter at the thought of a hooker covered in pickle juice.

    Personally I love the horrible co-worker stories because it gives me something to ponder and I LOVE to ponder...

  3. A hooker covered in pickle juice ... BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

  4. Oh yes, the remake is so much better!

  5. I don't get it....I mean, I love the smell of a pickle juice-covered hooker....isn't that how they all come?

  6. I love koalas but didn't have any idea they liked peyote

  7. Oh, Bee. Your unfunny co-worker sounds a lot like the group of folks I used to work with and I miss them so much.....NOT!

    I've been trying to freshen up the house for two days. Maybe I should open a jar of pickles and let them sit out for awhile. EEEWWWW!

  8. AD:
    Thanks! You know, I give them freebies because they give me material. If I ever find another job, I’ll have to come visit them just to see what they’re up to.

    I snorted too when she said hooker covered in pickle juice. I’m glad she didn’t say “pickled hooker” because that would have taken a turn to tragic.

    Yup. Dirty minds think alike.

    Thanks! :o)

    Any flavor you like as long as you pay the price.

    jean knee:
    It’s a Bee-fact.

    I love pickles.

  9. Did she bring you a jar of homemade pickles today to thank you?

  10. I'm surprised she didn't get all the references you made to eating pickles. No wait I'm not surprised!

  11. I'm about as good a storyteller as she is, so I can't criticize. I also like pickles.

    And $4? I suppose this is yet another consequence of the credit crunch.

  12. Brilliant. I love your blogs. I only subscribe to three, and yours is a MUST SEE.

    Thanks for making me smile on a shitty, shitty day.

  13. FADKOG:
    No she didn't because I'm not in her inner circle. Sad.

    Ha! Went right over her head.

    They do amuse me so! :o)

    Yeah, hookers are felling it (no pun intended) too! I read somewhere that some brothel in Vegas is running a two for one coupon.

  14. Tasialue:
    Thank you and I'm glad I made you smile! :o)

  15. You have come up with a great service to mankind. There are so many people out there with no idea how to tell a story. Frankly they are draggin society down with them. I hope you can help them all.

  16. Okay, that totally had me laughing. But now, the pickle juice is on me because I didn't even get the dirty part until I read Chris' comment. DUH.

  17. This just goes to prove that you are either born funny or not. Some people can't be funny even when the jokes are handed to them on a whoopie cushion.

  18. The Today SpongeJune 17, 2009 at 7:20 PM

    was the pickled ho wearing me?



Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.