I was walking down the hallway at the Asylum last week, on my way to get a refill on sweet sweet coffee, when Glynda stopped me to ask how much weight I'd lost so far. I let her know I was yo-yoing between 22 and 24 because the weekend usually had me stuffing my face with yummy things so I'd gain 2 pounds and then I'd lose them during the week.
While we were talking, Toto and Scarecrow had gathered around me and each one was commenting on how great I looked. I told them that it was because I was wearing jeans, rare casual days at the Asylum are one of the few perks we have, and that I happened to find a great fit.
We talked some more about my plans to keep losing weight.
Me: I haven't been working out but hopefully Andy will join the gym and we can go together. The only thing is that I have to make him wear blinders so that he doesn't drool over the hot chicks in their tiny spandex outfits. [I said jokingly]
Glynda [looking completely surprised]: Why would he look at other women when he has you?
. . . I have received many compliments and encouraging words from my brothers and their wives, my sister, my mom and coworkers and I have appreciated every single one of them but that, by far, was one of the nicest things anybody has ever said to me.
Me: Thank you! But my husband is like every other husband. He wouldn't notice if I grew a second nose. I can reenact that scene in Fried Green Tomatoes where Kathy Bates makes an outfit for herself out of plastic saran wrap and wears nothing underneath because she's hoping to spice things up with her husband and all he says is "What's for dinner?" as he walks away. Only, in my case, he would ask, "Did you feed the dogs?".
We all laugh.
Glynda: I find that hard to believe! You remind me of one of those curvy pin up girls! Andy better watch out or some guy is gonna come up and swoop you away!
Bee: ::blushes:: Uh thanks. I really don't think he feels any threat whatsoever, though. I think he'd be more shocked like "Huh? Does that guy need glasses?"
Glynda: Well that's not very nice.
Me: I'm kidding! I'm sure he'd be upset. I mean, who would help him pay the mortgage? ::winks::
Toto: My husband once said that the only way he wouldn't look at other woman is if he was blind or dead.
Scarecrow: I can't take mine to the pool without having to tell him to stop staring! I don't do that with the young men in the pool!
Me: ::shrugs:: Listen, we're wired different. Our men can lose their hair and have barrel beer-bellies but for some reason we view them the same way as when we dated. I think it's because we don't have that appendage that sticks straight up that acts like a homing device when we see something we like.
We all nod.
Glynda: My husband keeps talking about that woman who was in the news? The one that was video taped in her hotel room (Erin Andrews) and says he'd like to see that video. Men are pigs.
Me: In all honesty, we have to give them a break. It used to bother me too but then (after an epiphany) I thought about it logically. When I go to the movies, do I drool over this guy:
or this guy?:
Glynda [nodding]: That makes sense. You know who I think is really cute? Mathew McConaughey.
Me [thumbs up]: Great taste! I know Scarecrow has a thing for Zac Effron.
Scarecrow: He has some nice abs!
Me: Very very nice abs!
Toto: ::rolls her eyes:: I need another man like I need another hole in the head! I really like Paul Newman, though.
Scarecrow: Paul Newman is dead!
Toto: I know that! I didn't say I was attracted to him in his current state! [thinks] I guess Brad Pitt isn't too hard to look at.
Me: You see? We're not blind or dead either! The difference is that we are not vocal about who we find attractive and they are.
Glynda [still upset that my marriage isn't any different than hers]: Well, I know for a fact my husband would be ogling you.
Scarecrow & Toto: Mine too!
Me [looking for the exit]: Awww that's sweet! Weird, but sweet. Don't worry about me though because I have people like you guys boosting my ego every day.
::sigh:: Marriage doesn't get any easier, I guess. This is discouraging because it seems like their husbands are no longer being discreet in their fascination with women and make their wives all too aware of what they "lack". I don't understand why they wouldn't want to make the women they "love" happy by simply saying something nice about them. It doesn't take too much of an effort to compliment your significant other, so why is it such a chore? I can guaran-damn-tee that if one of their husbands were to say something simple like "Your eyes look really blue* today!" or "I love your smile" they would have these women feeding them grapes while fanning them with palm leaves!
I don't know about you, ladies, but I'm constantly telling Andy how good he looks. I don't do it because I want him to return the favor. I do it because I want him to feel good about himself and know that after all these years, I still think he's a hottie. On the flip side, maybe I'm just wasting my time because he may think it's weird since men obviously do not need that type of everyday encouragement.
Oh well! Too much thinking for one day!
I take satisfaction in the fact that I helped release 3 cougars to the wild because if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!
Want to touch. THE HINEY!!
*Blue only works if their eyes are actually blue. If they're brown don't say blue m'mkay?
Lycanthropy is in She Wolf's lyrics and when I was singing the song, in my head because people would die otherwise, I was like "Apocatherapy? Lycratherapy?" so I googled the lyrics and now I'm shocked by Shakira's smarts.