Monday, June 9, 2008

Thunderstorms and the fearless dog,


Have I ever talked about Tazz here on this blogus?? Yes?

Okay, then you know he is a little monster when it comes to people. He would sooner make your eyes into appetizers than lick you. HE is my secret weapon against all earthly evils and I love his ferocious little psychoness. We are, after all, very similar in personalities.

But!

Just like I have some weaknesses-eses, so does he. He is terrified of Fourth of July and thunderstorms. He doesn’t fear the Fourth of July because he’s unhappy we liberated ourselves from those crazy British people who don’t think I’m a lady, no, he hates the fireworks and the loud BANG!s.

A couple of years ago, I put him and Mocha out so they could do their business doggy style (and by doggy style, I mean pee/poop in the great wild yonder, NOT the other kind). When I went to go get them 2 minutes later, only Mocha sat by our back porch stoop looking sad and forlorn (or maybe she was gassy, you can’t really tell with her). I called out for Tazz but there was no response. (yes, he responds, usually by either running to the back porch stoop if he's done or by running out, ears flapping, looking at me, then running back to whatever he's doing, this is his way of telling me he's not done)

Since it was about 9:30 pm, our backyard was pitch black. I went inside to get a flashlight to see if he was under one of the pine trees or hiding behind the garage. No way could he have gotten out because our fence is solid wood with no slabs he could go through.

That’s when I saw it. The huge hole he dug IN TWO MINUTES to exit his torturous life of dog treats, ear scratches, SHELTER, and appreciation for his biting style. That’s how the ingrate repaid us, he escaped! To further prove to us how smart he can be, he dug the hole under the fence that's in our side yard thereby giving immediate access to freedom. Any other place he would have ended up in one of our neighbors yards.

I rang the alarm and had all our peeps looking for him. I was terrified since we live ONE block away from a forest preserve WITH A RIVER. Not just any river, a river that joins others into making the Illinois River which in turn is a tributary of the great old M-eye-crooked-letter-crooked-letter-eye-crooked-letter-crooked-letter-eye-hump-back-hump-back-eye (Mississippi) which in turn yadda yadda Gulf of Mexico.

I was picturing my little Tazzy wazzy surfacing, eating a couple of fisherman, then being hunted by a tribe of Nahuas.

Luckily, he was found by Wilson’s daughter. The dog was in such shock, she was carrying him with her arms still intact!

Uh, anyway! See what you do just by asking me why he feared the Fourth of July??

To make a long story, LONGER, last night we had thunderstorms the likes we hadn’t seen since… Saturday. They came at a most inconvenient time, bedtime.

I was tired so I went to bed at 10, you know, before my mandatory bedtime of 10:30 and for TWO HOURS Tazz was in his kennel trying to dig another tunnel to freedom. Throughout those 2 hours, this is what you heard if you were sitting outside our bedroom window (we’ll come back to WHY you were sitting outside my bedroom window later):

KABOOM!! PEWOOGH!! (my interpretation of thunder)

scratch scratch, dog whining, scratch, kennel door rattling violently

Bee:
TAAAAAZZ!

KABOOM!! PEWOOGH!!
scratch scratch, dog whining, scratch, kennel door rattling violently

Andy:
TAZZ YOU FUCKING IGNORANT DOUCHE!! SHUT UP!!

KABOOM!! PEWOOGH!!

scratch scratch, dog whining, scratch, kennel door rattling violently

KABOOM!! PEWOOGH!!

Bee:
OMG!! TAAAZZ! I SWEAR I’M GOING TO PUT YOU OUTSIDE IN THAT ‘EFFING KENNEL AND TURN YOU UPSIDE DOWN!!

Andy:
No, he’d drown if you turned him upside down.

Bee:
I wasn’t really going to take him outside Andy, I can barely lift that freakin’ kennel ever since I was diagnosed with Rusty-old-shoulder syndrome. I was hoping my threat would scare him enough to shut up.

Andy:
I think it worked since he stopped-

KABOOM!! PEWUGH!! KABOOM!! PEWUGH!! KABOOM!! PEWUGH!!

SCRATCH SCRATCH DOG HOWLING HAOOOOO MEWHOOOOO

Bee and Andy:
TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!

I finally got up to threaten his little ass face to face and was shocked to find his kennel was halfway to the front door! I dragged his kennel and put it in the darkest place of the house, Andy's dungeon. I put him under Andy's desk with his chair blocking him from trying to escape again.

If you think that was very cruel of me, shows how much YOU know! That son of bitch finally fell asleep!

Where was Mocha?, you ask. Well, she was sleeping soundly already being used to all the loud barking from Tazz, Andy and myself.



If you click on Humor-Blogs for me, you will accomplish 2 things.
1) You'll keep the boogey man away.
2) You'll keep me in the middle of the ranks.

And the hidden bonus third thing, you'll feel better about yourself for having made me a happier person.

15 comments:

  1. I want to take that picture of Tazz, enlarge it, attach it to a paint stick and plant it in my yard, thus perhaps fooling the neighbor kids into thinking we have a bad ass puppy to protect us.

    We used to have a neurotic giant black lab. That rat bastard would crap in the kennel and then squeeze out of it like freakin' Criss Angel the second we'd close the back door. I'm still off dogs.

    Real dogs. I could live with a cardboard cut out dog!

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  2. Also...I was pretty shakey, so I didn't catch this, but, in keeping with protocal around here:

    FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!

    For the FIRST TIME EVAH!!!!!!!!!!!

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  3. Crazy Colonials... Maybe we're the ones who should be celebrating ;-)

    Scaring dogs is one reason for banning fireworks. And thunder.

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  4. Did you write all the sound effects for Batman comics?

    I remember "Kaboom!", but "PEWoogh!" must be new.

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  5. LMAO!!

    I can totally pictures you guys lol...lol

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  6. I fail to see how that cock fan over on your right panel can acutally keep you cool...

    As for Tazz, I heard he swapped with a lookalike and is partying down in the French Quarter...

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  7. We're also learning the joys of all the noise a dog can make in a kennel. They can be damn noisy!

    So far it's not looking good for us. Chris convinced me to get Bailey, who will be the size of a small horse, for protection. So far he runs and hides behind me when a car drives up the road and when a stranger pulls in the driveway. I didn't know that he meant for me to be the protection.

    I should have waited until you bred Tazz and then got one of his ferocious babies.

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  8. them dogs sound like my aggravating youngins, Bee...

    I usually say the same stuff you did to Taz :)

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  9. Our dog deal is simple round here. We provide Reagan with a nice variety of crotches to sniff in return for him being our living food storage plan. It's really not that much to ask.

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  10. Bee's Kennel Club

    Sounds like a nice name for a kinky sado-operation.

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  11. My cats are looking awfully awesome right now. And quiet.

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  12. FADKOG:
    Ha! Congrats on your first time! Was it good for you? ;op

    I love dogs but sometimes the make me want to follow in Tazz's footsteps and run away from home.

    Brian:
    Whatever you want to tell yourself to make you feel better Brian.
    :op

    Damon:
    I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out how to spell thunder's noise. As you can see, I went with a gassy thunder.

    Nancy:
    Yup. You know the ridiculous that is us. :o)

    VE:
    The cock fan helps keep the temp right were I want it.

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  13. Tracy:
    Tazz is a nutso killer weirdo. I'm hoping not all Lahsa's are like him because if they are, they should let it become extinct. But I love my Tazzy.

    Slick:
    Yup! But I get to put mine in kennels. :o)

    Dan:
    I dare you to say that to his face.

    EWBL:
    Kinky and sado are my nicknames. :o)

    Alice:
    I think cats are cute but I don't like that they can jump on the table and counters.

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  14. Sounds like thunderstorms at your house are calm compared to my house. My pussy-assed dog weighs in at a hundred pounds and not only does he cry and whimper but he crawls into my lap as well. (The damn kennel was taking up WAY too much room.) Oh, does Taz drool too?

    And Bee.......I LOVE you cock fan.

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Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.