Monday, June 23, 2008

All I need is ONE cup of coffee just ONE! Until I have it, I guess you can say I'm not very pleasant.

Hey! Guess what? Today was fuckin' Monday! Well, it technically still is I guess but I’m fast forwarding my mind and making it Tuesday because I can’t bear another second of this awful freakin’ day!

I consider myself to be a nice person.

No, really! I AM nice!

I don’t go around bashing in people’s heads unless I’m provoked! I don’t go around making fun of people unless they do something stupid and then KEEP doing it.

It = anything that annoys me.

IT can also equal breathing, depending on my mood but whatever.

Anyway.

As the nice person I claim to be am, I made the coffee at the Asylum this morning even though it wasn't my turn. My logic was, the sooner it’s made, the sooner it can find its way into my veins. After giving it a reasonable amount of time to brew, I beeped CL bitch from hell receptionist and asked her if she’d like to go get her coffee first while I watched the phones. That was nice right? Putting her caffeine addiction before mine? When we all know that the world is a better place AFTER I’ve had my coffee?

And what does this numbnutts do?? She has a whole conversation with the punishor of speech, Milton . You know, the one that will regale you with the colors of socks she hunts for at the mall on weekends.

I could hear them chattering in the middle of the hall while my hands were getting shaky and my lip was trembling and my foot was jerking ready to kick somebody’s ass… Hey! I think I might have a problem but who cares! I just want my coffee!

So I got up, walked over to them and said “Okay, my turn.” forcing CL to run to answer the ringing phone.

Who do you think was the bad guy? Me!

I’m sorry but 20 minutes is way too long to wait for someone to come back from pouring a cup of coffee. Yes, I understand these people are soocially challenged but you know what? I gotta look after numero uno! Well, Andy is numero uno so I’d be numero dos.

For the rest of the day, both of them gave me the glarey-bitch-silent-treatment. What they don't know is that I INVENTED the glarey-bitch-silent-treatment! So there!

And to put the shit topper on my shitty sundae, my mom has decided to lengthen her stay until the end of July!

THE END OF JULY.

I know what you're thinking "Stop your whining you big baby!"

Don't make me go over there!

Andy and I have been surviving but just barely. We try to persuade people to invite us over for dinner but I think they're finally on to us. Maybe it was the containers we bring to take leftovers.

Maybe it was the fact that we drop in on them unexpectedly at say, midnight, and just raid their fridge. I don't know but their lack of food is getting on my nerves.

I'm tired of cooking! I want some nice homemade Mexican food! I need me some Espinazo, Caldo de Pollo Guisado, Carne de Oinko en Chile.
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Okay, it's not just about the food. My mom and I have a very close relationship. We see each other everyday and bond over Saturday morning coffee. She yells at me for not looking after the Numero Uno Husband and hates that I don't have kids but we learn to shelve these issues like all great families do.
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My sister, my mom and I are so freakin close! Oh and Dan too cuz he's a momma's boy and it isn't natural to be 31 and still calling her mommy. It's only acceptable if you're a girl. Then it's okay to be 35 and still calling her mommy.
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You know what else happened today? George Carlin DIED. Well, he died on Sunday which I think is ironic considering all his jokes about the sabbath. I know it wasn't technically on Monday but Monday is when I found out! I went over to visit Leigh and it was like a punch to the gut! I loved that dirty old bastard! Now all I have is my weird fascination for Eddie Izzard. I think we might wear the same size shoes.

I hate Mondays
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I know a lot of people did their tributes to him already but work had me too busy to update the blogus. Below is one of my favorite bits from his HBO special and it's regarding the 10 commandments. If you are overly sensitive about all subjects but are a fanatic about religion, you probably shouldn't watch it. If you have a sense of humor and can laugh without thinking too seriously on the issues, please watch it. If you're mad at me for this whole paragraph, you really really shouldn't click play.
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Please click on Humor-Blogs on your way out. Do it for George!

P.S.
If you're thinking my rants are bullshit, I kinda agree now that I've had my coffee. ;op

28 comments:

  1. "Numbnutts" Like the spelling bee kid but for reals. Hmmm, only I thought it was with two ts.
    Sorry Bee, no spelling bee crown for you.


    I know this won't make you mad a tme becuase you already had your coffee for the day.

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  2. I hear your pain. My mamichi makes the bestest pozole ever.
    :(
    I want some. Boo hooo.

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  3. A couple things - I don't drink coffee. Just can't. I've tried. I don't get it. Forgive me.

    Second, I can't even get my mom to make me a sandwich, and so now I'm all jealous and want some of that stuff that sounds like it has pig as a key ingredient.

    This comments sucks. I'm sorry. Probably 'cause I'm tired. I'd not be tired if I drank coffee, but I just can't.

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  4. I never much cared for George Carlin. There, I said it.

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  5. Fun things to do to Bee before she has her first cup:
    1. Tell her "Looks like somebody has a case of the Mondays!"
    2. Replace the coffee grounds with planting soil
    3. Have the entire office dress up as Juan Valdez
    4. Order her a singing telegram... from the Burger King guy
    5. Play "Let's find the Square Root of Pi"

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  6. So by relieving CL you were actually NOT doing anyone a favour, since the world had to put up with the pre-coffee Bee for longer?

    It's like Jekyll and Hyde but the other way round (Jekyll had to take some kind of anti-coffee medicine to become the nasty Mr Hyde).

    You should get your mum to mail you fool parcels.

    I loved that clip. Why did you wait until he died to tell us about GC?

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  7. Was this FOFOAM? I love that FOF is so versatile!

    I agree, you were being very nice about letting CL get her coffee first and she was taking advantage of you. I say you did the right thing.

    You have to put your foot down and tell your mother to come home. I don't know how well that would go over. Tell her this is some kind of child abuse or something. Where is she again?

    How is it that both of our posts today are about coffee? And I swear I didn't read yours first before writing mine so I'm not a copy cat!

    And I love Izzy Izzard! I am obsessed with him! And I love how you can laugh at him and also learn a little history at the same time. He's wonderful. And I secretly covet his shoes too.

    I hope that Tuesday turns out to be a better day for you!

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  8. i'm so sorry that i was the bearer of bad news. and that stinky diesel is going around leaving "i hate george carlin" comments on everyone's blog that wrote something about him. personally, i just think he doesn't "get" it.

    anyway, i don't think rants are bullshit. george was the king. you've learned from the master. hope you have a better tuesday!!!!!

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  9. It's great to hear you mention Carlin's passing. I know I'll miss him and I'm pretty sure he'd slay your co-worker for her slow coffee fetching.

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  10. Great Carlin clip.

    And I don't even let my kids talk to me in the morning until I've got a cuppa Joe in the system.

    What a biyatch!

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  11. My mom is a terrible cook. To make matters worse, my dad recently took up sushi making as a hobby, and he puts together the most disgusting combinations, and you have to just sit there and eat it.

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  12. Bugger! Of course I meant to say you should get your mum to mail you food parcels, but I made a typo (d and l are so close on the keyboard)...

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  13. I came over from Diesel’s stupid post after I saw your comment on teaching your niece to be self centered. You realize the world isn’t here for you? Maybe you should learn to appreciate others instead of constantly bitching about life’s trivial little shit.

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  14. I’ll be back to respond to everybody’s comments but I needed to rush on over here to respond to Fed, the fuck up.

    Fed, the fuck up:
    Last I checked, the name of this blog was Bee’s Musings.
    Hi, I’m Bee. I can bitch and moan all I want because because this is my blog. It’s also funny to me that you’re chastising me for being self centered when you apparently took Diesel’s post personally. If the world can revolve around you in your mind, why not let the rest of us be as delusional?
    Oh and how about growing a set of balls and not hiding behind anonymity?
    Later, fuck up.

    P.S.
    Brian, Freudian slip? ;op

    It still cracks me up when you say "bugger"!

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  15. coffee's evil this is just more proof.

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  16. Hey Bee, was the Fed retort post coffee or pre-coffee? It kicked ass! ha ha ha

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  17. Bee, girrrrrrrrl, I see you haven't learned the rule of life. Take care of your ass first because if you don't? People will ride roughshod over you and think you're a loser. Get your own coffee first. It's not rude, it's TCB.

    And as to the Carlin bit, brilliant. My own run-in with my fellow comic goes up on Thursday chez my blog.

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  18. It's obvious you don't have any kids because you don't know how to set boundaries, Bee. This is what you do with CL. You take a mini hourglass and turn it upside down and smile cheerfully as you tell her that like sand through the hourglass so are the days of your life.....and that if she doesn't get her keister back before it empties it will be the END of the days of HER life.

    Simple. Facil.

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  19. NCS x 3:
    You are one cool story!

    "Numbnutts" that's how we do here in Chi-town YOU MAKING EYES AT ME??

    My mami is having fun so I should be happy for her, right?
    (:'o{

    FADKOG:
    Your comment traumatized me for the longest time. More even than that moron Fed (the fuck up). But then, after I thought about it some more, I came to the realization that this means more coffee for me. It's all good.

    Diesel:
    Shhhh, you're getting us all in trouble with your opinions! ;o)
    GC is not for everybody but that dude almost made me pee my pants!

    VE:
    Hey! Are you my evil twin? Only in a Caucasian man's body??
    Your suggestions are quite good and considering you in a far off land, you're safe. For the moment.

    Brian:
    Very Ms. Hyde until I drink my coffee.

    I just assumed everybody knew about GC. If you have time, you should watch more of his clips.

    Tracy:
    Ha! I was a little cranky when I typed the post and e-mailed it to myself for later posting. When I read it later I decided to leave it since I was still a little upset.

    My mom is in Mexico visiting her parents and siblings. she took advantage of Nancy being home with the baby.
    Tuesday sucked too. :o)

    Leigh:
    Hey, I'm glad I found out early in the day rather than when I got home.I think Diesel doesn't like him because of the swears. ;o)

    Sornie:
    Ha! He'd slice them up sideways!

    Alice:
    Its hard on the weekends because Andy doesn't drink coffee so by the time I do the bean thing and get my coffee just so, I've yelled at Andy more times than I can count. He gets back at me by threatening to buy me decaf but that would be punishing himself.

    Marie!:
    Sushi! ::blech::
    My dad is a horrible cook too. He once gave us hot dogs and tomato paste instead of ketchup. Yuck!

    Brian:
    :op

    jean knee:
    You take your commie propaganda outta here!



    Come back jean knee! Come back!

    VE:
    Ha! That was regular ole me AFTER coffee!

    Suzy:
    I know. I try to be courteous for once and get bit in the ass. No more!
    I can't wait for your Carlin tribute!

    EWBL:
    That was my last time. I get my coffee and make her beg me to watch the phones while she goes. That's the way it should be! ;o)

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  20. you know what I miss???
    and stop me if you think this is totally gross... but..home made menudo!

    NOTHING like home made. Yes! it's cow's stomach! I know.... but...DAMN...the broth is good... I even got my boyo to like it once he tried the one m tia made for new year's! SOOOOO good!
    man...
    still... I tried to learn from my mom...but chile rellenos are a pain in the ass to make! they're like crack for me....
    next edition: drinks such as chocolate caliente... aka mesican hot chocolate such as... abuelitas
    mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
    oh and with pan dulce to boot!
    I'm ignoring the george carlin thing as I'd like to think that he wants us to think it's some sick joke anyway.... but really, I'm weeping....

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  21. i think you should dunk "fed the fuck up" in a vat of coffee! hehe(evil grin)

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  22. Now pleeeeeeeeeeeez explain to me why we have not devised a plan wherein you can have your coffee immediately upon rising in the morning?

    From now on, no more trying to be nice to people before you have coffee. It just does not work!

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  23. Heathen's for ChristJune 25, 2008 at 12:28 PM

    you'll burn in hell for that video

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  24. Heathen's for ChristJune 25, 2008 at 4:18 PM

    not to mention the coffee

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  25. Nothing wrong with checking up on the Mothership everyday !
    I drink instant coffee, is that bad?

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  26. Ceci:
    I'm not into Menudo but I love pozole!
    Now I'm hungry and missing my mami! :o)

    April:
    Well, that would be a waste of heaven's elixir. ;o)

    Momo:
    Truer words have never been said.

    Teri:
    Hopefully, in the future, all our dreams will come true.

    No more.

    I have my coffee first! :o)

    Heathen's:
    Come on over for a cup of Joe. I'll puree innocent souls just for you.

    Dan:
    Sure Dan. Sure.

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Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.