Thursday, June 19, 2008

WoMAN without children first!

Listen, I know you guys are always envying the life I live because of all the excitement in my day to day survival of all things INSANE.

However, to live like me, you have to have quick reflexes (mine aren’t as fast as they used to be but I can still jump out of the way of an oncoming vehicle driven by an old lady looking for her lost penny), a controllable gag reflex (trust me on this, the rotten air will one day make Al Gore come and pay them a visit), a whip (to keep people in line) some cool shoes and a heart of stone (the harder the better).

Anyway, I had just dragged my sleepy butt into the office when our Thursday staff meeting was called. No sooner had we all assumed the position when the alarms in the building started BLARING! Now, I don’t know about you guys but I took it as sign to EVACUATE the building!

Can you imagine my surprise when my partners in lunacy looked at each other with wide surprised eyes asking “what. mean. that. noise? me. dodohead. ninny muggings.”

I can sympathize a little since I hadn’t had my morning cup of glorious-heaven’s-brew and was slightly groggy but I still KNEW to exit stage left.

I calmly walked back to the business office, located my car keys (it's always a mystery to me how they end up somewhere I know I didn't put them), grabbed my Betty Boop messenger bag, stuffed my cell phone and water in there, debated whether I had time to make coffee, decided against it and went out to the parking lot where other confused people were being blinded by the morning light, all in a matter of seconds. Did I wait for anybody from my own office? Hhhhell no! It’s every able bodied person for themselves!

Since we didn’t have a plan in place in case of an emergency evacuation and since the parking lot is tiny, I unlocked my car, pulled out a magazine and sat down waiting for the 'all clear' from the hot (HOT!) firemen.

Meanwhile, back in the Asylum, pandemonium had erupted! Should this one bring her pictures? What about the petty cash? The back up system? AAAAAAAAGGGHHH!! All this while I was reading about new techniques to keep your container garden healthy and listening to music in my comfy car.

When they finally made their way out of the building, it was decided we should all go to the corner so as not to get maimed by falling sheets of broken glass.
I know you're crazy about my mad drawing skillz!

There we were, standing around looking for signs of smoke.

Can you see it?


Can you smell it?


How hot are the firemen? So hot they can start a fire by just walking into a room! (okay, that was from me, I seemed to be having a one track mind for a moment there)

Wait! Here comes one now! [repeating in my head ‘I’m married I’m married’] What’s that you say Mr. Gorgeous Fireman? The MORONS LOCKED THE DOOR TO OUR OFFICE SO YOU CAN’T GET IN WITHOUT BREAKING A DOOR WITH YOUR NICE BIG AXE??

Are you wondering how these people operate without the help of a life coach guiding their every step? Me too.

It turns out it was nothing. Just some lady who smokes, smelled smoke so she went all Gung-ho and called the Hot firemen. I’m saving that little useful trick for later. ‘I’m married I’m married’

On an unrelated note, half the building lost power NOT DUE TO THE NON EXISTING FIRE so they brought a generator to power the medical building.

Were they serious?????? Look how tiny!

They must have heard me laughing because they called in the big guns! Still kinda small but better than the rinky dinky one I'd use to power my cellphone.

You know who I would save from a fire? The people over at Humor-Blogs.


  1. Hot hot hot!!!!
    WHy are they so hott?

    I know not.

    Hey, look I'm #1 y 2

  2. I love that little picture of yourself. You look so happy being out of the smokin' building and looking at the HOT firemen in action.

    You are married Bee!
    To Andy!

  3. People at casinos will not leave their machines when the alarms go off.
    True story.

  4. I'm a comment hog.
    I hope that's ok with you.

  5. Don't you have fire drills?

    I'm glad that no bats were harmed during the making of "Towering Inferno II - The Blazing Asylum". I'm surprised they didn't drag the fridge outside with them, though.

  6. I've never understood those people who stand around in an emergency trying to decide what to take with them. I just hope they didn't decide to loot your desk since you were already outside!

    I love your drawings! You look so pretty.

    You wanna know what else I love? Hot firemen.
    Unfortunately, the town that we live in they're all volunteer fireman and they have huge beer guts and no teeth. Bleh.

  7. hmmmmm....i'm picturing jason dressed in a fireman's outfit...

  8. Stone cold heart, check. Don't know about the rest of it though.

    But after seeing that picture I'm seriously considering arson. Better line up some insurance first.

  9. I've been looking for a woman with a controllable gag reflex my entire adult life - now I find you and you are already married to that lucky Andy.

    Those firemen disgust me - how dare they be so hot.

    My office is uber organized for the alarms with a designated location for assembly for each floor in the building and evacuation captains with walkie talkies to account for each person - and they time our escapes when it's a planned drill or an actual alarm because some computer room got overheated. Of course we're in DC where people went burzerk after the pentagon event on 9/11.

  10. At next week's staff meeting, you apparently need to put "emergency response plan" on the agenda. We have one at the bookstore at the mall. It's the one we ignore when the mall fire alarm comes on and the nice, robotic woman's voice comes on and tells us "It's nothing, go about spending your money!" on a mind-numbing loop.

    If we ever did have to leave the building, my coworkers and I are to meet at Joe's Crab Shack across the parking lot. Appetizers and drinks as we count heads to be sure we all made it out alive!

  11. I'll steer clear of any firemen talk but I have to ask if anyone did any looting. It seems like the thing to do if there is a fire and related pandemonium.

  12. Oh, My Goodness! You and I could be twins! I mean, the resemblance is uncanny. If I were skinny with red hair, I mean.
    And If I ever remembered to bring a magazine anywhere.

  13. NCS x 5:
    1-YAY! For Hotty Firemen!
    2-They’re hot cuz of their muscKles!
    3-I was happy! I had a big smile on my face and everything! Who’s Andy?
    4-If I had money on the table, I wouldn’t leave either. Or a Margarita. (the drink)

    Nope. We’ve never had a fire drill here at Arkham.
    I just found out they were trying to take the portable X-Ray machine, you know, in case one of the hot firemen fell and hurt themselves.

    Thank you! I do look pretty! I was going to draw myself taller but I decided to stay true to life.
    My condolences on your lack of hot firemen! (:’o{

    Yes yes. Very hot! Although, he also looks yum in a suit.

    Call me okay? We’ll sit on lawn chairs admiring their work.

    BWAHAHAHAHA!! Yup! He is very lucky!
    I used to work across the street from O’Hare airport. By across the street I mean, if you crossed the street you would be in the parking area and within a few feet from runways. After 9/11 we had fire drills and chemical warfare drills on an almost biweekly bases.
    I used to think what a pain in the butt it was but now I see my training served me well.

    I wish I would have thought about meeting somewhere cool! But I’d rather go there by myself since I don’t want to share my escape time with any of them.

    I hadn’t thought about looting! I’ll to remember to take my bottle of generic Tums with me next time.

    Well, I can’t help you with the magazine but I can certainly draw you with any color hair you want! :o)

  14. yay you got out alive!
    Once the alarm came on when lean and I were in the restroom at the movies. That big brother only it's a monotone woman saying Exit the Building over and over.
    So I couldn't find Lean in the restroom, I was calling her no answer so I start looking in stalls. I yanked a door off it's hinges thinking it was her but it was some lady with her pants around her ankles (Yes she let them touch the disgusting floor) she nearly leapt off the pot trying to cover her nether regions. eww!
    I said I was sorry and all but she may have been traumatized (I hope)

  15. Those are mad drawing skills. You should check out my fine drawing skills on this blog. Oh yea.

  16. Did someone mention firemen?

  17. More pics of hot firemen next time! Damn girl, where are your priorities!

  18. Married? Who gives an f...! Hot is Hot!!!

  19. Listen that school shooting a few years ago traumatized everyone in this country. I mean when someone pulls a fire alarm and waits for people to evacauate so him and his buddies can pick them off with a rifle like shooting ducks in a barrel, wouldn't you think about that the next time you're faced with a fire drill?

  20. And if you didn't before you damn sure will now!

    I'm spreading mass hysteria!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  21. Maybe you should buy Andy a cute little fireman costume for Halloween......from Frederick's of Hollywood?

  22. Paid department= hot firemen because of NFPA fitness regulations. Volunteer department= beer bellies and git-r-done t-shirts cause that's what we get.

    I'm sitting in a firehouse right now. There is nothing to look at. Nothing.

  23. I picture you walking around the parking lot saying "Fire, Fire"
    like Beavis.


Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.