Tuesday, February 17, 2009

How technology brings out the homicidal tendencies in your average, run of the mill cranky housewife.

How was your Valentine’s Day weekend? Mine was a bowl of chocolate covered cherries!


It started with me getting probed and scolded by an old fogey who then billed me 860 bucks. I gotta say, I’ve had better!


The old fogey was my eye doctor. It turns out I’m a huge pain in the ass to examine because I have the eyesight of a deaf bat (get it? because bats navigate by bouncing their screeching off of solid objects?)(whatever) so he has to work extra hard to make his $80 visit fee.

Tell you what. If I made 80 bucks for a 20 minute appointment, and I didn’t have to take my pants off to do it, I’d be thanking my lucky stars I have patients who can’t see 2 feet in front of them instead of making them feel like pig vomit.


And! As I said before, my bill came up to $860 for contacts and new glasses so Hello! How about a little fuckin sensitivity Dr. Grim!


Anyway, after the eye exam, that felt more along the lines of a proctology exam, we headed over to visit my brother-in-law Big Tex who works for At&t. Guess who got a new iPhone? If you guessed me, you’re wrong. I’m still happy with Scarlett. No, Andy is now the proud owner of one of the most technologically advanced cell phones of the century since it was only $50 more than his second choice. Yay Andy!!!


Unfortunately, this is also a sad occasion for me. You see, because I own an iPod and have a smartphone, Andy seems to think I also have all the answers as to WHY his phone isn’t turning on or why he can’t access the internet RIGHTNOW or why it can’t tie his shoelaces while he tap dances. I had to keep repeating that


A) I don’t have an iPhone, never have, therefore am unfamiliar with its idiosyncrasies

B) I am not an iPhone tech moonlighting as his wife

C) I HATE APPLES (get it? because the iPhone is an Apple product?)(whatever man, I’m done with you!)


I swear, if our marriage has survived relatives*, financial difficulties, Tazz and floods, you’d figure technology would be a breeze but if I have to hear “Bee! My phone won’t turn on! FIX IT!” one more time… let’s leave that blank, shall we? I don’t want to incriminate myself in case I’m the prime suspect in an unrelated atomic wedgie incident where a masked WOMAN person came in and pulled Andy’s unders over his ears.


Other than that, the damn thing is awesome and I can’t wait until they come out with a red one.


On Monday, we had another guy come out to give us an estimate on the underground water tunnel we want to build under our house. This guy was older than the first one and seemed to think that women and construction terms don’t mix. He kept telling me that maybe he should wait for my husband to come home so he may explain the SCARY details to him. I told him he could take a seat right here! and explain it to me since I had my handy dandy pink pen to take notes and after all, women had a long history of taking notes from MEN so I’m sure I’ll be okay. By the way, can you please tell me how deep and how wide the hole will be? Big enough to stash an old guy’s body??


He changed his mind, it must have been my menacing growl, and decided to strain my little woman brain with all those technical details like PVC pipe, drainage tiles… water.

In his defense, he did say one of their inspectors was a woman and “she really knows her stuff!” Look at us being all equal and shit! Will wonders never cease?

Nutterphucker.


To tell you the truth, after listening to both quote guys, I think I can knock out the sump pump installation myself and save myself a few grand. Maybe buy some more shoes.


I started my Spring cleaning yesterday. I once read somewhere that dust was just dead skin so I’m currently looking to make a 30 person sculpture from all the dead skin I’ve accumulated since Christmas. I’m thinking of calling it “ZomBee Army” and I’ll give them power tools as weapons. Or maybe I can make them dig my underground moat and save myself money AND labor.


I think that’s all for now… oh yeah! Did you guys hear about the fireball in the Texas sky? Some people thought it might be the remnants of 2 satellites that crashed but they now think it’s a meteor the size of a pick up truck. I know better. Superman is finally here to save me. I love you Superman!


*if you are one of my relatives and are currently thinking “WTF! I’m in the same category as a flood???” no, no! Of course not. ... ...


P.S.

My Valentine (me) gave me an awesome purse and a pair of stylin' shoes.


P.P.S.

I also wanted to let everybody know that I love my Andy more than I do all the purses and shoes I own (and even future ones that haven't been made yet). I joke about our unconventional relationship but I could not have found a better man, believe me I did look long and hard before I chose him and I do believe he can do better by finding himself a nice sweet, never-gives-him-trouble type of gal but he's decided to stick with little OLD me. He puts up with my lack of control when it comes to my temper and I put up with all of his weirdness. We are like mustard and ketchup. With me being the mustard, I guess?

19 comments:

  1. well, somebody has tobe the mustaard, as long as you're the spicy kind and not that boring plain yellow stuff, it's gotta be ok. Just don't be mayo. That is all whit eand gloppy and rather boring.

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  2. What the hell did the eye doctor do to you? Probed?? Are you sure he was an eye doctor??
    I always end up spending about that much for new lenses, glasses (I lose them a lot!)and contacts. Thankfully this time I still have my glasses and I should only have to pay fro new contacts... I hope.
    And that puff in your eye thing! Ugh! I can never keep my eyes open... they know it's coming!

    Your Andy sounds like my boyo. It's amazing we found someone that ADORES us as rightfully as we need to be adored, right?

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  3. I don't think that was an eye doctor Bee. I think you were abducted by aliens. That explains the Texas sky.

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  4. You'll have to get better at this tech support thing. There's nothing to it - all you need to do is to sound knowlegeable when you spout random rubbish. He'll go away for a few hours, press loads of buttons randomly and the problem will probably sort itself out.

    "Have you checked the proxy settings?"

    "Are you sure that firmware version is correct?"

    "Sounds like you need to adjust the parameters in the network control menu."

    etc...

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  5. I'm in Texas and I missed the damn fireball (or Bee being returned from abduction).

    ZomBee - I love it!

    It's one of my pet peeves when old farts talk down to me about small engines or construction terms. Geez. Just because my mower doesn't work doesn't mean I did something stupid, A*hole.

    Glad you had a good Valentine's Day!

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  6. You love him more than shoes AND purses?

    It's gotta be true love...

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  7. I enjoy going to the mechanics and talking about carburetors and tire rotation. I've caught many trying to fuck with me. Rude.

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  8. You had better get used to your hubby's phone not working since it is an iPhone. Of course he'll be able to download an application telling him if a picture he is about to hang is level but when he needs to dial 911 because that Zom-Bee army you have created comes to life and is trying to eat his brain he is pretty much screwed.

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  9. I wear athletic shoes the vast majority of the time. I wonder if that means my love is like a stinky pair of running shoes?

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  10. WHAAAAA ???? I need to open a Optometry Shop!!!

    SHAZAM!!!!!

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  11. Tell Andy that his iPhone will only continue to baffle and irritate him as time goes on. But, it's still a really cool phone.

    P.S. Mustard rocks.

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  12. Why not just hire a tech support guy from India to hang around the house and answer all of Andy's questions? He can even carry a mini-recorder with songs by The Carpenters on it for when he puts Andy on hold.

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  13. When I take my pants off, I have to glue money to my face to have my wife pay attention to me.

    I paid your advertisers to have my pants off while writing this. I will put them back on.

    Your eye doctor sounds awfully pervy. Did he look like me?

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  14. Without naming anyone, people I work with continually talk to homeowners, which are BTW mostly women, as if they are speaking to a 5 yr old or someone suffering from senility in a nursing home. I kinda chuckle to myself & hope to be there when someone gives the shit right back to them.

    And evidently my partner @ work is like one of the biggest iPhone fans that doesn't own one so he is helping me thru some customer service areas since my at home tech support fails to come thru in a pinch :P

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  15. Michelle:
    Eww for Mayo! Yeah, I am so the spicy mustard.

    Ceci:
    What happened to your picture?? All I see is darkness.
    He scolded me for waiting 5 years but shit! I needed to take out a loan just to pay the bill. Okay no. I just had to wait for my tax refund.

    Yup, their special alright! :o)

    Dizzy Mom:
    No wonder my ass hurts.

    Brian:
    Brilliant! I'll try it next time and sound all smart like.

    Reforming Geek:
    They are a bunch of old turkeys!

    Petra:
    I think so! ;o)

    Suzy:
    Yeah, the car salesmen do the same thing until they realize I'm a bigger jerk than they are.

    TOS:
    That was plan along! shhhh ;o)

    FADKOG:
    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Love it!

    Speedcat:
    Will you charge me half price?

    Rhonda:
    Yeah Mustard Rocks!

    Ryan!!:
    Hi Ryan. ::waves:: It's weird seeing you out here with your shirt on.

    I like your idea. Maybe I'll get a good looking Indian guy. Nice and strapping.

    Dan:
    You ain't cool, brother.

    TS-D:
    Holy crap dude! I think you need therapy but you have to leave your pants on when you go.

    Andybabe:
    Yeah. You know me. That guy got a face full of scrunchy mean looks and sarcasm. Also, you and your bud can play with your phone ALLLLLL you want.

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  16. Boy, what a suck up right a the end! Like you're married to him or something...

    Now you want Valentine Day love? You check out my post and you'll know what real VD gifts are...

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  17. Technology technology technology aaaarghhh! My brain hurts!

    But you want a red phone? I can understand that. I'm improving!

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Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.